Life of the Party

by Christine Anderson

  “I can’t believe this is happening ….”

  I woke with a start, blinking into the dark, momentarily confused until I realized it had all been a dream. Yet it had all seemed so familiar. The faded brown carpet, the chipped yellow walls. I knew I had seen them before, somewhere.

  Allison was gone and I was all alone in our room, but the loneliness didn’t taunt me like it once had. I knew I was never really truly alone, not anymore. I breathed peacefully and turned my thoughts back to the dream. The dream that had seemed almost like déjà vu, like I had lived through it before. Especially the voice at the end. I knew that voice, even through the haze, the distortion. It was Riley.

  I frowned into the dark now, searching, straining my mind to come up with the memory. I just couldn’t place it. We’d been to hundreds of house parties over the course of the years, almost one a weekend. It was impossible to decipher where this one had taken place. And why remember it now, anyway? What was the significance of remembering another crazy old drunken night of debauchery?

  I focused on Riley’s voice. “I can’t believe this is happening.” He’d said. What was happening? I had pulled him up the stairs; we’d gone into a bedroom. He’d shut the door behind us ….

  Oh! I sat straight up in bed, my eyes wide, my hand over my mouth as I gasped in vivid remembrance. I could feel the heat staining my cheeks as the memory suddenly invaded my head. The vision was crystal clear—which was baffling to me. I thought I blacked out that night. But now, I remembered everything. I saw it all. I filled in the blanks of my dream.

  I’d been feeling woozy from the Quaaludes—but good, confident. Riley and I had been kidding around, joking and laughing, when suddenly I’d lost my balance and fallen into him. I remembered landing against the solid width of his chest, how the abruptness of it had shocked me, how good it felt to be so close to him.

  I’d never really wanted him like that before—though I’d always been curious—so at that moment, I went for it. He was still laughing when I looked up at him, amazed, and silenced his mouth with my lips.

  I can’t believe I’d ever forgotten this. Now I could remember everything … the taste of his mouth, the feel of it against mine. I think I’d taken him by surprise, but after he recovered Riley returned my kiss just as eagerly.

  It’d been my idea to go upstairs. Of course it had been, wasn’t everything always my idea? Once the door to the bedroom was shut we’d made out in frenzy, fuelled by the cheap beer and the good drugs coursing through our veins, the years of pent-up curiosity, the sudden culmination of all our hidden feelings. It had been … amazing. Hot. Better than I ever could have expected. Riley and I had drunkenly tripped our way over to the bed … and then … and then ….

  I frowned. I couldn’t remember anymore, my memories just stopped. They vanished.

  I flicked the light on—rules be damned—and grabbed a cigarette from my nightstand. I couldn’t believe this had actually transpired. What the hell was I supposed to do with this now? I took a deep drag in thought. How far had we gone? And did Riley know, did he remember? If he did, why didn’t he say anything? Why had nothing happened between us afterwards?

  Had I wanted something to happen? Would I have, had I known?

  I took a deep drag of my smoke and slowly blew it out, staring up at ceiling, trying to sort out my twisted, roiling emotions. I had no idea how to answer those questions. This revelation turned my entire world upside down—one I’d barely established as somewhat stable—and I had absolutely no idea how to feel about it. Everything was still so new, so different, I hadn’t even figured out who I really was yet.

  And Riley was my oldest friend in the world. He was my best friend. I couldn’t even think about him that way … could I? I rejected the thought automatically, shying away from the possibility. What Riley and I had was true, it was exasperating at times but it was just … timeless. How could either one of us dare to ruin it like that? I knew I couldn’t. I cared too much about him to take such a terrible chance.

  I pictured the dark, warm eyes of my friend as he gazed at me so often, with so much tenderness and affection. I thought of the deep bond between us, the impossible camaraderie we shared that enabled us to be totally honest and frank with each other. So what had prompted him to keep this of all secrets from me? Was it just embarrassment? Or was it something more?

  What if … what if Riley loved me, like really loved me, more than a friend?

  I shook my head, scoffing at the sheer ridiculousness of such a thought. I was agonizing over nothing. Riley didn’t love me; there was no way he could, so there was nothing to worry about. I was just his friend—his best friend maybe, but only a friend. I mean, not two weeks after our one secret, stolen night—a night he hadn’t even bothered enough to tell me about—Riley had found Emily, and now they were in love.

  And then of course there was the biggest reason, the reason I couldn’t seem to forget, or really forgive. Riley had left me. I blew out a drag of my smoke, relieved by that fact for the first time since it happened. Riley had left me behind so easily. Too easily. There was no way he could love me.

  Was there?

  For as long as I’d known him, I had never been so nervous to see my friend.

  I was early. This time, I was the one waiting for him. I sat at the table in the little room, my legs crossed, my foot shaking restlessly. I lit yet another cigarette and looked up at the clock for the umpteenth time. He was late. I hoped nothing had happened. The roads were slick with ice this time of year and the snow falling lightly now could easily have hampered his vision. I prayed fervently that Riley hadn’t been in an accident or something. I needed answers.

  He finally arrived, whistling as he pushed his way through the door. He coughed in mock exaggeration and waved the smoke out of the air, a smile on his face.

  “Smoke much?” Riley laughed, pausing in his stride to open the window a touch. The smoke wafted away and the cool, fresh air felt good on my heated cheeks.

  “Yeah, I guess.” I chuckled nervously. I waited while Riley hung up his coat and made himself a coffee. He sat down across the table and eyed me suspiciously.

  “You okay?” He wondered, taking a sip from his cup. “You look pretty ramped up today.”

  “Do I?” I wiped my sweaty hands on the legs of my jeans and tried unsuccessfully to sound casual. “Huh.”

  “What’s up Mac? You nervous about getting out? Only a few days left.”

  Oh, right. Five days until D-day. I had totally forgotten about it, my mind had been thoroughly occupied with … other things. But actually, I was nervous about getting out of rehab. I was afraid of having a choice. I was afraid I’d choose wrong.

  “Yeah, I’m nervous.” I admitted.

  “Don’t be.” Riley shook his head. “The sober-living facility is supposed to be great. You’ll be housed with other recovering addicts, people who understand where you’re coming from. You’ll be supported every step of the way.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. I tried to imagine my future living in the city, away from my family, away from Charlie and all my other friends. I’d have to get a job, I’d have to pay rent, and I’d have to … live again, for real. Sober. It all seemed fairly overwhelming. Especially since Riley wasn’t going to be with me. That was the hardest part.

  “How about you?” I asked him. “Are you excited to get back to school?”

  “Yeah.” He answered, but shrugged noncommittally. “I guess.”

  It seemed neither of us was eager to leave the other. I thought about that a moment, lighting another cigarette and biting my lip. I couldn’t put it off any longer; I needed to talk to him about my dream. I needed some answers.

  “So, I had this crazy dream last night.” I started.

  “Oh yeah? What about?”

  “Uh … I don’t know. We were at this party … I don’t know where, but we were all totally loaded.”

  “Uh huh.” Riley smirked. “That all seems plausible.”

&nb
sp; “Yeah, that part does, but then … man, this is crazy. You and I, we went upstairs—” I paused, watching as Riley stiffened, his dark eyes boring into mine, his hands suddenly tense around the coffee cup, “ … and we … we like, made out.” I finished.

  The room was totally silent for a moment. I stared at my friend, and he stared back at me.

  “Riley … this actually happened, didn’t it?” I whispered, like I was afraid to say it out loud. Riley gazed up at me, his face totally blank. Then his head nodded ever so slightly. Yes.

  I didn’t really know what to say. I took a drag of my smoke. “I can’t believe I didn’t remember this until right now.”

  “You said you blacked out. From the Quaaludes.” He answered evenly.

  “I know. I think I did. But for some reason, now I remember almost everything.” I shook my head in amazement. “This is huge, Riley. Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

  “I tried.” He looked down at his hands. “But I was a coward. I wanted to talk to you about it, but you had no recollection. You seemed so happy that way, not knowing … though I always wondered if maybe you did remember, but pretended not to so we wouldn’t have to deal with it.” He shrugged. “I was afraid it’d ruin our friendship. I was afraid … I was afraid of a lot of things.”

  “Riley … did we …?” I bit my lip. I couldn’t say the words. “Did we …?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “No. We were maybe about to … but once we hit the bed, you passed out.”

  “Oh.” My cheeks flushed red. “So I did pass out. That explains why I can’t remember.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, you still could’ve told me about it.”

  “I wanted to … but I didn’t know what to do. You were so in love with Grey, and I knew I’d just ruin everything by telling you.”

  “Wait—” Suddenly I remembered that night at the Aurora, the first time I ever laid eyes on Grey and instantly fell in love with him. I remembered Riley wanting to tell me something; trying desperately to tell me something. “That night, at the concert. You were trying to tell me then, weren’t you?”

  “Yes.” He admitted. “But I couldn’t.”

  “I can’t believe you.” I sat back, fuming. “We kissed. We made out. This is huge, Riley. Were you ever going to tell me about it?”

  “I don’t know. Probably not.”

  “What? Why not?”

  “Because. I mean, I feel bad enough that you don’t remember. I didn’t know you were on ‘ludes at the time ….” He paused. “But honestly Mackenzie … it was amazing. It was probably the most amazing night of my life, until you passed out.” He met my gaze, his dark eyes smiling fondly. “I’m glad it happened, and I didn’t want you to … not be.”

  “What do you mean?” Oh why did I ask him that? I met Riley’s gaze, terrified of what was coming next, just knowing somehow what he was about to say ….

  “I mean ….” Riley took a deep breath, as if willing himself some courage. He looked me straight in the eyes. “What I mean is … I’m in love with you Mackenzie.” He admitted, rushing his words. “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. Being apart from you this year was torture for me, you’ll never know how bad it was. And I know I may regret telling you this, and I know I might just be wrecking everything, and I know this is probably horribly inappropriate since your boyfriend died only three months ago, but I love you. There. I said it.”

  I stared at him. I blinked stupidly. My mind rejected his words automatically. I couldn’t bear to hear them. I didn’t want to hear them. They would ruin everything, they threatened our entire relationship.

  I swallowed heavily. “What about Emily?”

  Riley shook his head. “Emily’s great. But you’re the only one for me.” He smiled and let out a breath of relief. “I’ve wanted to tell you this for so long.”

  I didn’t know what to do, how to respond. I stared into space, trying to fathom what Riley was saying to me, trying to decide how to react. This was impossible. It couldn’t be true. This was going to change everything.

  “You don’t love me Riley.” I shook my head in vehement denial. “I mean, we kissed, we could’ve … become something. But then you just left. You left me. Maybe you feel some … some misplaced guilt for what’s happened to me, or some sense of responsibility or something, but it’s not love.”

  “Listen to me, Mackenzie.” Seriously Riley took my hands in his, forcing me to look into his eyes, deep and sincere. “I will never forgive myself for leaving you. Ever. I can’t say it was a mistake, because I had to do it … I guess I just wish it could’ve happened differently. I’m not asking you to understand. But believe me when I say this. I do love you. I love you.” Riley squeezed my hand in his. It felt nice, like an anchor for my swirling emotions. I didn’t know how to deal with them. I didn’t know how to deal with this.

  “I know it’s a lot to take in, and I know it’s not really fair for me to ask you this. Don’t feel like you have to answer right away ….”

  “Riley don’t—”

  “I have to know, Mac. Now that it’s out there, I have to know. Do you ever think—maybe not now, but one day—that you will ever feel the same way for me?” The words were rushed, like he had to get them out before he lost his nerve.

  “Could you love me?”

  I pulled my hand away from him, overcome. Tears filled my eyes. “Stop it, Riley. How can you expect me to answer that? I’m still in love with Grey!”

  “I know. I know.” He groaned, dropping his head into his hands.

  “How could you do this to me?” I cried. “I need you so badly. So badly, you have no idea. Things will never be the same after this.” The realization shook me to the core. Abruptly I got up to my feet. “I have to go.”

  “No, stay Mackenzie. Let’s talk this out ….”

  “I can’t.” I shook my head, ripping my hands from his grasp and running for the door. By the time I made it to the hallway I was in a full sprint. I took off so Riley couldn’t catch up, so he wouldn’t be able to stop me, and I didn’t pause until I was safe in my bedroom, breathless, the door shut on those terrible words and the threat they represented.

  CHAPTER 68

  At first I was mad at him. Angry, furious, livid. Red cheeked, I paced the meagre space of my little apartment in heated agitation. Why did Riley have to feel this way about me? Why did he have to tell me about it? Didn’t he know this was going to ruin everything? That we’d never be the same again after this?

  But as time went on my terrified anger slowly faded away, gradually surrendering itself to genuine compassion for my friend. I sat down on the edge of my bed, willing myself to breathe—to breathe and think rationally. Deep down I knew Riley couldn’t help it, that he didn’t want to wreck things between us. “We can’t help the ones we love, Mac,” he said over the phone that one time, when he’d called to wish me happy birthday. I thought he’d been referring to the Christian with that statement. But now I realized, in surprise, he must have been talking about me.

  I shook my head and lit another cigarette, reluctantly impressed by the power of Riley’s restraint. In awe of it, even. If he felt for me even an iota like I’d felt for Grey, it was amazing he’d held out this long. I remembered how recklessly, how impetuously I’d confessed my feelings for Grey, so moved by his charm and his talent that I couldn’t even hold the words in. But not Riley. He’d kept the secret for years.

  I sighed. That was classic Riley though. Always putting my feelings first. He saw how happy I was with Grey, so he denied himself; he suffered in silence for months so he wouldn’t interfere with my delight, with my contentment, my happiness. Completely selfless. It was the true epitome of love.

  It was touching. Flattering, even. But I didn’t know if I could return that love. I didn’t know if I could … feel that way about Riley. I mean, he was my world—my whole world at the moment—and I honestly couldn’t say where I’d be without him. Dead in a bac
k alley somewhere; or maybe like Allison, eagerly counting down the days until my next hit. Riley had cared enough to put me in rehab. He’d known enough to teach me about God. He’d loved me enough to try and save my life.

  But he’d also left me. Maybe it was juvenile, but I couldn’t get past that one harsh reality. Riley had left me. Just like that, we’d become like strangers to each other. I couldn’t understand it, and for some reason, I couldn’t forgive him for it either. How could he have done that to me? How could he claim to love me, and then just leave me like that?

  I rested my head in my hands and blinked down at the floor for a moment, trying to get a handle on my thoughts and my feelings. I shut my eyes and prayed, hoping for some divine wisdom, some insight that would help us through this delicate situation with our relationship still intact.

  Because I needed Riley dreadfully. That much I knew for certain. I just wanted to cling to him. For a terrible, tempting moment, I actually considered just … pretending. Pretending to love him, pretending to feel the same way for him. If I did and he believed it … then maybe he wouldn’t leave. Maybe he’d stay with me, and then I’d never have to be alone. We’d never have to be apart ….

  No, no, no. I shook the idea quickly from my mind, appalled by the notion, ashamed by the sheer depth of my selfishness. Riley truly loved me and there I was, thinking of ways to manipulate him to stay. I chuckled at myself in total disbelief, amazed that after all this time, I could still be so awful. Rehab hadn’t changed that. Being sober hadn’t changed that. Even God hadn’t changed that, not yet. I was still selfish, still wrong. The only difference was now, I felt convicted by it.

  It hurt. The guilt was actually painful. But like Riley said, it made me want to change. With a sigh, I walked over to the window and stared glumly out at the icy landscape beyond. Maybe for once in my life I could try to do something right. I could try to be good. I could try, for Riley. Shutting my eyes, I leaned against the cool brick wall and forced myself to think of him, pushing all my wants and needs and feelings to the side for once. What would be best for him? What would make him happiest, in the long run?