A Place to Stand

by Meg Farrell

  “Let me tell you what you’re doing,” she leans forward and takes a firm tone with me. “First, you are going to let him judge you for himself. Don’t put words in his mouth.” She takes my hand and squeezes. “Second, you are going to quit thinking you owe Ryan something because he died. You have to move on with your life. Be friends with this guy and see if it grows into something else. It’s not like you are looking to remarry right now.”

  I nod and ultimately agree with her. He will either love me, hate me, or just want to be my friend. I mean, c’mon, fat girls are the funniest.

  We finish eating and I listen about what’s going on in her work world. There is always something when you’ve been with a company for any real time.

  As we’re leaving, Alana grabs my arm. “You have a mission: I want a full report after your run with tall-and-built.”

  I smile. “Cade.”

  “Cade?”

  “Cade. That’s his name. My running buddy.”

  She smiles. “I like that. Let’s get back. Tell Bernice to kiss my ass when you see her.”

  We walk in with a few minutes to spare. I consider Alana’s directive. She’s right. I have to think more of myself than to assume Cade will run screaming into the night when he gets a good look at me. I take a deep breath and dive back into work. Time seems to fly today, and before I can obsess about the clock, it’s time to go. I hop into the car and roll down all my windows, turn on some 90s’ tunes, and blast the volume as loud as I can stand it. By the time I’m home, the sun is starting to set. I get out and stand by the car to check out the start of the evening.

  A beautiful splash of orange covers the bottom half of the sky as I stare out across a field. I’m still standing by the car trying to commit the color blends to memory when I hear footsteps on my porch. I jump and turn around. There he is. Cade is standing at the top of my porch steps, with the waning light of day coloring the shadows across his face. My breath catches. I don’t know what to say, so I lift my hand and wave.

  He returns the gesture and then says, “Hi.”

  “Hi,” I mutter, barely audible.

  “Ready for that run?” he asks.

  “Yes. Uh, no, I mean, I need to change.”

  He smiles and nods as if acknowledging my attire is inappropriate for running. “Fair enough. You get changed. I’ll wait here.”

  I nod and bound up the stairs. For a few moments after I enter the house, all I can do is stand inside the door and pant. Good Lord. He’s even better in daylight. What the hell am I going to do? Shit! Shit! Shit! I should call Jess. She’ll know.

  I grab my phone and look for her contact and then it hits me, Jess may not approve of this. No. I can’t take that chance. Instead of calling Jess, I run around my room and change clothes. I go for a sports bra this time. Don’t want to be held back by super-bouncy boobs. I throw on a tank and some yoga pants. I grab two bottles of water out of the fridge and then my keys as I pass the table.

  I lock up and run down the stairs to where Cade is waiting, leaned against my car. He pulls his hand through dark brown, wavy hair and looks over as I’m coming down the porch steps. The man is delicious.

  “Water?” I ask as I offer him a bottle.

  “Sure. You ready?” he asks.

  I strike a pose to highlight my change in attire. “Sure. Let’s do this.”

  “You stretched?”

  “Uh no. I thought we would just run.” Stretched? Who is he kidding? Do I look like I do this very often? He might lose points for common sense on that one.

  “Okay, here let me show you.”

  Cade proceeds to demonstrate proper stretching. I attempt to follow his example. I’m sure I look more like a wounded flamingo while he looks like a complete professional. I mentally remind myself of Alana’s words. I put on a brave face and feign confidence.

  We take a run down to his grandparents’ house. The recovery time is a little faster this time. Well, I have to recover. Cade is a pro and is bouncing from foot to foot while I bend over and swallow as much air as I can stuff in my lungs. Everything hurts. My shins are burning, the arch of my foot has a cramp, and my lungs are on fire. Cade gives me a few minutes before he stops running and squats down so his face is level with mine.

  “Don’t run very often, do you?”

  “How…” Gasp. “…can you…” Gasp. “…tell?”

  He laughs and smiles wider, “Call it a hunch. How long have you been running?”

  “This is…” Gasp. “…the second…” Gasp. “…time.”

  “Shut up. Last night when I saw you running was the first time?”

  I nod.

  “You should have told me you’re a beginner. I would have taken it easy on you.”

  “Maybe I don’t want you to take it easy on me.”

  He lets out a raucous laugh. I feel redness creeping into my cheeks, and I’m starting to get pissed. What the hell? I mean, it wasn’t that funny. Cade is still laughing when I think I’ve had enough. I start walking back toward my house.

  Cade runs up beside me and says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh at you.”

  “You sure about that? Seemed like you got a big ol’ belly laugh off me there.”

  “No, seriously. I’m sorry. It’s just when you said that, my mind went to, well, a dirty place. Sometimes I can’t help it. My mind lives in the gutter.”

  I stop and turn to stare at him. “Are you kidding? You heard innuendo in that?”

  He looks incredulous. “You didn’t?”

  I consider his position and think back through what I said. Someone of the gutter-minded persuasion could take it that way. I shrug. “I see your point.”

  He laughs again. “Shall we?”

  We walk back to my house at a leisurely pace. We talk about nothing—honeysuckle, stray dogs that follow us, my sudden interest in running.

  Back home, I go inside to get us more waters, and we sit on the porch to talk for a while. I mostly listen to Cade talk about his grandparents and how much they mean to him. I really don’t want to volunteer any more information than I already have. Seems a little scary to share anything more with someone I’ve only met twice. He might see through me and think I’m a total weirdo. What if he judges me by Ryan’s death or affair? I realize I’m not really listening but staring at Cade while I run through my own thoughts. I become aware when he reaches out and grabs my hand.

  “You okay over there?” he asks.

  “Oh, my God. I’m sorry. I don’t have as much focus as I once did. I get lost in my own thoughts. I didn’t mean to check out on you.”

  “Maybe one day you’ll include me in those thoughts.” He smiles.

  “No, really, my head is a dangerous place sometimes.” I laugh, humorlessly.

  “Well, seems like you’ve been through a lot. If you want to let some of those thoughts out, I’d listen. Before I go, I wanted to ask if we can do this again sometime.”

  “What, running? Sure. Shouldn’t we take a day off in between? I mean isn’t a break recommended?”

  “Okay, day off tomorrow, and we’ll run the day after. I’ll meet you after work again.”

  “Sounds good. Why don’t you call me if anything changes?” I offer.

  “That means, Rhae Peters, that I need your phone number. You okay giving me your digits?” I feel my face heat as he unleashes that devilish grin on me.

  “I can only give them to you if you promise to use them responsibly.”

  He nods and makes a cross over his heart. “Define responsible.”

  I laugh and give him my cell number.

  Friends

  Besides Cade, the only thing happening in my life is work. Bernice is on a new warpath with me. I have no idea what set her off, but she is definitely looking for any reason to get me. Good thing I’m a rule follower and that makes it hard for her. Bill is extra grumpy. Alana is hovering, waiting on our chance to debrief the run with Cade. We haven’t had a chance because I’ve been in meetings all d
ay. The more I think about the dishing that needs to happen with the girls, the guiltier I feel for not calling and letting Jess in on the goodies.

  I’m settling into my e-mail and calendar checking routine, and drinking a cup of coffee, when my cell phone vibrates on my desk. What the hell is this? I think to myself as a number I don’t recognize lights it up. I refuse to answer because, let’s face it, I don’t answer for unknown numbers. Plus, if it’s anything worth my time, they’ll leave a message. As I’m logging into the site maintenance system, the phone chirps to indicate voicemail has been left.

  I sigh and pick it up to listen. Shit! It was Cade. Why would he call this early? I get up from my desk and run down the hall to a conference room. It’s dark, so no one is planning to use it. I flick on the lights, grab a chair, and call him back.

  “Hello?” he answers.

  “Hi. Was someone trying to reach Rhae Peters?”

  “Yes. Yes, I was. This is Cade, the running buddy down the street.”

  “Oh, I thought that was you. What can I do for you, running buddy?”

  “Well, I have to be in Memphis today to run an errand for my grandmother. I was thinking you might want to have lunch. Is that a possibility?”

  My face-splitting grin is making my cheeks hurt. “Well, I am a very busy woman. Let me check my calendar.”

  “Oh, come on, Rhae. We both know you checked your calendar three times since you sat down at your desk. You know your availability.”

  “Have not,” I say, indignant. “You don’t know me like that.”

  He chuckles. “Really? You seem like the overly prepared type. That’s all.”

  I sigh, “Okay. You’re right. We’ll discuss your stalker tendencies and assumptions over lunch.”

  “Great. Where can I meet you?”

  I give him directions to the deli we frequent. I know an outside table will be secure, as well as right up his alley. Who cares if I ate there yesterday? It happens.

  I sit for a few minutes after we say goodbye. Just sitting, staring at the wall, trying to process what I agreed to. My hands are shaking at the thought of spending more time with Cade. What will people say about me having lunch with him? I need to talk to Alana. I stand to leave the conference room, and I’m met face-to-face with none other than the Dragon Lady.

  “Excuse me.” I force a smile and try to slide by her.

  She blocks my escape. “I had this room booked for a conference call, but when I got here you were squatting to have a personal phone conversation.”

  “I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize it was booked. I hope I didn’t cause you to miss your conference call.”

  “You didn’t. You really should be more considerate. It’s unprofessional to squat in a room you didn’t book.”

  “I’m sorry. It was a personal call, and I didn’t want to talk in the open at my desk.”

  “Business with Ryan’s death?” she asks.

  “No. Frankly, it was personal, and you need to back off.” Nosey bitch.

  “Oh, don’t try to be coy. I heard it. You were making a lunch date with someone. Don’t get caught running around with a new man so fast. You’ll regret the reputation you’re building for yourself.”

  “I appreciate your concern, but this is really not your business. I’m sorry I took your conference room. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to my desk.” I step around her and leave the room.

  When I get to my desk, I slam my phone down and let out a pent-up growl. What is wrong with that woman? Why does she think she has a right to talk to me that way? I start working on answering e-mails. I’m typing furiously and smashing the keys when I feel a warm hand on my arm. I look up into Alana’s eyes.

  “Hey, I’m walking to the cafe for some stout coffee. Wanna come?”

  I think about it for a minute. “Sure, I could use the walk and air.” I look over to my manager’s cubicle, “Dee, want coffee? Alana and I are going to the cafe.”

  “Oh no, dear, thanks for asking. Be safe,” she answers.

  Alana and I are silent as we get on the elevators. As soon as we step into the building lobby she looks at me. “What happened?”

  I shake my head. “What do you mean? Nothing happened.”

  “Bullshit. You were tearing that keyboard apart. You’re pissed.”

  “Dragon Lady is giving me shit because I have a lunch date today.”

  “What? Really? How did she know? Never mind Dragon Lady, fill me in on this lunch date.”

  “That would require me to fill you in on my run date last night.”

  She jumps up and down clapping. “Yes! Tell me!”

  I grin. “It was amazing! I didn’t die. I didn’t quit. I didn’t keep up either. But, hey, I hung in there.”

  “Great, kiddo. But that is not the kind of update I was hoping for. Did you shove your tongue down his throat and jump his sweaty bones after?”

  I laugh so hard I snort. “Uh no. We ran. He walked me home. After sitting on the porch a while, he left. No fireworks. I did take a chance by giving him my number, though.”

  “I was hoping for wedding bells or something. But, giving him your number is a start.”

  I stare at her open-mouthed. “There is something desperately wrong with you. You know that?”

  Alana shrugs. “I know.”

  “He called this morning. I went to the conference room to call him back.”

  “That’s a good sign. He must be interested in a little down and dirty with Rhae.”

  “Jesus! I don’t know about that. What I can say is that he wanted to meet me for lunch today, and I agreed. Want to tag along?”

  “No. I’ll let you work out your virginal dating approach on your own.”

  “Thanks.”

  The barista overhears our conversation and is laughing to herself when we order. I shrug. There’s enough self-esteem challenges in my life, I can’t care about one more. We discuss the new art hanging in the café while we wait for our drinks.

  On the walk back, Alana says, “Now, tell me how Bernice found out about your lunch date.”

  I shrug. “She had that particular room booked and stood behind me listening while I was on the phone, then yelled at me for taking her room.”

  “Bitch.”

  “I know. So that’s when you caught me killing my keyboard.”

  “Right. Ignore her.”

  “I’m trying, but she is like the voice of my conscience. She keeps bringing up how Ryan is barely dead and that it’s inappropriate for me to move on.”

  “You aren’t the one who had an affair and impregnated your mistress and died.”

  “I know. Still, something about moving on feels wrong. No matter how badly I want to stand on my own and figure out life, it feels like I’m doing something wrong to Ryan.”

  “It’s all in your head. Only you can figure it out or let it go.”

  Alana hugs me as tight as her little frame can, then sends me back to my desk much refreshed, and in time to make a meeting with a new client.

  The rest of the morning passes without incident. Everything goes according to routine and as scheduled. When it comes time for lunch, I’m more than ready for my date with Cade. The idea of seeing him sends me into a tail-spin. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I bolt out of the elevators and through the front door, a woman on a mission.

  I try to walk casually, but as soon as I turn the corner, there he is. He’s cool, sitting back with his legs stretched out, ankles crossed in front of him. He’s wearing faded blue jeans, a gray T-shirt, work boots, and a ball cap. Between the ball cap being pulled down low and the dark sunglasses, I can’t be sure he isn’t taking a nap. Just as I’m thinking he might be sleeping behind those glasses, he reaches for his cup and takes a sip. Turning his head in my direction, he smiles and sets his cup down. He stands and takes a few steps in my direction.

  “Hi,” he says simply.

  “Hi,” I return the greeting, suddenly feeling shy and out of pl
ace.

  Cade reaches for my hand and leads me to the table. He pulls out my chair and gestures for me to sit. “A nice outside spot with good shade, or we can move inside if that would be better?”

  I can’t help but smile. “No, outside is perfect.”

  “What would you like to eat? I’ll go in and order for us.”

  “No, you are not buying my lunch.” I shake my head and move to stand.

  Cade puts his hand on my shoulder and leans in close. “Friends can buy each other lunch.” He smiles, and I am dumbfounded.

  “Sure. Okay. I’ll have the fried chicken salad. Honey mustard on the side.”

  “Salad? You’re a salad girl. I don’t know about this friendship.” He makes a face like someone farted.

  “Wait until you see that salad. Run along, now, errand boy.” I wave him off dismissively. The sarcasm making me feel instantly more comfortable and confident.

  He laughs and takes off inside. I feel a beaming smile spread across my face. What is happening?

  A few minutes later a cup and straw appear on the table before me. “I got you tea. The girl at the counter said she knew you, and that you like unsweet. That right?” I have to branch out. When the people working in a restaurant know your order, it’s time to try something new. File that away for later.

  “Perfect. Thank you.”

  He takes his seat across from me. “They said they’ll bring the food out to us. So, how’s your work day going?”

  “It’s the same every day. Dragon Lady harassing me, Bill running her off and making me laugh. Praying no one asks, ‘how are you?’ It isn’t so bad. I’ve only been back to work for a few days now. I guess they need time to process my grief since I did all my processing away from there.” I open my straw and take a drink of tea. I realize that was a small rant. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t go on and on about stuff like that. How’s your day been?”

  “Wait and see. That’s it. All I do is run errands for the hospice nurse and my grandmother. They stay and watch over my grandfather.” He shrugs and turns that smile on me.

  “You need to stop doing that.”