A Place to Stand

by Meg Farrell

  Maybe I feel this way because I’m so lonely without Ryan. I close my eyes and try to imagine that Ryan is stroking my hair and flipping through the channels on the TV. I can’t see his face clearly anymore. It’s like a faded image, but I can feel the warmth I would have had if it were his hands on me. I snuggle a little closer, turning my head into Cade’s tummy. He smells so good. His smell is different than Ryan’s, but still intoxicating. I pull my knees up to my stomach and wrap my hand in his T-shirt. Cade starts talking to me at some point, but I don’t know what he’s saying because I fall asleep so fast.

  The next morning, I wake in a room full of sunshine. It sure is bright for six-thirty a.m. My mind registers that the sun is wrong for this time of day. Oh shit! I sit bolt right up in bed. I grab for my phone on the nightstand, and stare down at the time. Damn it! It’s after ten a.m.! I look around the room, and Cade is gone. Of course he is. He said he would only stay until I was asleep.

  Dee is going to roast me. I left early yesterday, and so far, I’m a no show today. This is going to be bad.

  I rush through the shower and dress in the first thing I grab out of the closet. A red sleeveless dress. I slip on sandals and run out the door. Hopping in the car, I try to find the balance between driving safely and hurrying at the same time. I all but run through security and make it to my desk, where I’m met with Dee and the Dragon Lady. Lovely. I slow my approach and wait for “the talk.” Dee isn’t as upset as I thought she should be. Dragon Lady, on the other hand, she wants blood.

  “Good of you to join us, Rhae.” She glares at me.

  “Rhae, did you have an appointment or something this morning? It’s not like you to run this late.” Dee asks, concerned.

  “I would like to discuss this in private, if you don’t mind,” I state, returning Dragon Lady’s glare.

  Dee nods. “Bernice, if you’ll excuse us. Rhae, let’s get a room.”

  I follow Dee down the hall, purse in one hand, and car keys in the other. She picks a room close to our work area and closes the door behind us. She looks at me compassionately, but her words still feel harsh. “Rhae, you know this is unacceptable. What is going on?”

  “I know. I’ve only been back at work a few days. Listen, I haven’t been sleeping at night. Last night I finally got to catch up a little, and I slept through my alarm. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.”

  “Well, you know Bernice notices everything. I’m not who you have to worry about right now. She is complaining on both of us. She thinks I’m allowing your behavior. I may not have a choice but to take action.”

  “I understand. But it’s happened once. One time. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal.”

  “I just wanted you to know this could turn out bad for you.”

  I try to muster up a smile. “I understand. Thank you. I really am sorry.” This isn’t Dee’s fault. Bernice has been out to get either one of us for a long time. It’s like she’s gunning for one of our jobs. I really have liked working for Dee. She’s been so kind to me, and I hate that I screwed up today.

  I start working through client e-mails and am able to schedule meetings with prospective clients that are being assigned to me. I grab coffee and check the time on my phone, only to see that I have a text from Cade.

  “Good morning. Sleep well?”

  I can’t help the smile the spreads across my face, and reply, “I did. Thanks for staying. Still on for our run tonight?”

  “Yes! Looking forward to it.”

  What could he possibly be looking forward to? I am in trouble.

  Dreams

  Ryan and I are sitting at the kitchen table. It is early enough for us to have breakfast in front of us, but late enough that the sun is bursting through the front windows. So much light. I imagine that this is what the light in heaven might look. I stare into his eyes and feel a mixture of love and hate. It swirls in my head and through my body. I don’t want to upset him, and I’m just about to ask the questions that are hanging in the back of my mind, when he starts to speak.

  “I’m sorry, Rhae. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know why I did it.”

  My heart contracts around his words. “Why you did what?”

  “The affair with Melody. I don’t know why I did that. I love you so much. You are my everything. My world. I don’t know how to live without you.”

  “Well, I hate to break it to you, big boy, but you aren’t living. You died. You left me here in this mess. Dealing without you.” My feelings turn to anger.

  “I know. I’m sorry about that, too. I didn’t know that would happen.” He turns uncomfortably in his chair. After a few moments of staring out the window, he says, “We should have talked. I should have cleared the air with you before that happened. I didn’t know how to talk to you about Melody.” He looks at me earnestly, “I fucked up. There’s no other way to put it.”

  Irritated, I stand and take a few steps away from the table before turning on him. “Yes, you did. I need to quit thinking about you. I want to forgive you, so I can live with it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about your mistress and baby. I feel guilty for being mean to her, but I really have no idea. What do you want me to do?”

  “Be her friend. The affair was my fault. Don’t hate her.”

  I gape. “You’re kidding me, right? It takes two, Ryan. I mean you didn’t make a baby for her all by yourself. She had to participate. She knew you were married. That might actually make her more culpable!” I’m yelling by the time I finish my rant.

  “You’re bigger than this. You know you don’t have to act like a child. Be angry with me but be kind to her. Please. That’s all I ask.”

  “You…” I point at him. “…don’t get to ask me for anything. I’m angry at you. No permission necessary. I’m angry that you died. I’m angry about Melody. I’m angry that I hate my job and this house now. I’m going to do something about it though. I don’t know what that will be yet, but I’m doing something.”

  Looking away from me, he nods. “I understand.”

  I feel hot tears on my face. “I love you, you know it?”

  He nods and looks up to meet my gaze. “I know. I love you, too. We had it all, didn’t we, baby?”

  “We did, until you did a fucktard thing like dying.”

  He laughs. Oh, I have missed that sound. I smile. We stare at each other for a long time. Finally, he speaks, “Move on, and be happy. Find someone to love you the way I should’ve loved you.”

  “I will. I have no choice. You’re dead.”

  I sit up in bed and wipe the tears from my face. My pillow is soaked, and my phone is buzzing. I take a second to compose myself before reaching for it. Cade is calling.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey there. I was thinking we could hang out today.”

  The statement takes me back a bit. We have spent the last few weeks either texting or running after work. He’s been spending some nights with me to help me sleep, but he always leaves after I’m asleep. I’m feeling better than I’ve felt since Ryan died. I think about what Ryan said to me in the dream: “Move on.” Besides, we’re just friends. It’s Sunday, maybe I could invite Cade over for dinner and call the girls up too.

  “Uh, sure. How about dinner tonight? I’m going to invite my sister and a few friends over, too.”

  “Oh, okay,” he says as if I’ve disappointed him. “Well, we can do that. Would you want to do something else with me today before that?”

  That idea spins me for a loop, “Okay, what did you have in mind?”

  “It’s a surprise. Dress comfortably. I’ll pick you up in an hour.”

  “What time is...” Before I can ask, he hangs up. I huff, a bit frustrated. I hate when people hang up like that. I glance over at the clock and see it is nine-twenty a.m. What is wrong with that boy? I huff again and throw myself into the shower.

  That dream about Ryan has me sluggish. My mind won’t focus. I’m standing in the shower with the water running over me, but not
actually washing yet. My mind has that dream on replay. Over and over again. I study his eyes and his smile. I think about the curiously bright light surrounding him. He wants me to be friends with Melody. Can I even do that? Even if I could, why would I want to?

  I turn off the water and get dressed. I decide on sneakers. When in doubt, go with sturdy footwear. Leaving my hair down to dry, I slip a rubber band over my wrist to catch this mess of hair later on. I make my way into the living room, planning to sit and wait for Cade, when the doorbell rings. Right on time. I open the door and my breath catches. I should be used to him by now, but I’m not. Those brown eyes and dark hair always scream trouble, and my body is willing to get into some of that today.

  “Hey,” I say.

  “Hey, you ready?” he asks, excited.

  “I don’t know. Your enthusiasm scares me. What are we doing?”

  “I told you, it’s a surprise.” His smile broadens as he holds his arm out for me to take.

  I reluctantly reach out and take it as he leads me through the door. He gives me just enough time to lock the door before pulling me down the porch steps.

  “Woah, someone’s a little amped up. Either this is terribly dangerous, or you’re afraid I won’t like it.”

  “Neither.” He gives me that devilish smile.

  “I thought I told you to stop doing that to me.”

  “I can’t.” He pauses and keeps pulling me to the truck.

  What is up with him? I resign myself to stop asking questions, and vow to not freak out over anything he surprises me with. I climb into his truck while he holds the door and closes it behind me. I buckle in. Cade is in the driver’s side and taking off before I know it.

  We head down so many winding country roads, that even as a life-long resident of the area, I’m lost. Still, I enjoy the sunshine and wind blowing through the windows. I take in all the smells of freshly harvested fields, cut grass and sunshine. I swear sunshine has a smell, too. The sun is warming my face, and I can feel sweat gathering in the middle of my back. I start to feel self-conscious right about the time Cade to stops the truck. I open my eyes slowly and take in the large shade tree we parked beside.

  We are in the middle of a field. Only the shade tree and us. Cade is staring at me. “Do you like it?”

  “Like what? It’s a shade tree in an empty field.” I smirk.

  “Exactly. Do you like it?”

  I nod and smile. Cade bounces out of the truck and gathers some things from the back before coming around to open my door. He takes my hand as I hop down.

  “Nice dismount,” he says, jokingly. “This way,” he takes my hand and leads me to the far side of the tree.

  “How old do you think that tree is? A hundred years?”

  “Two hundred.”

  “No. You pulled that out of your ass.”

  “No, really. This is land my family owns. The story is that one of my great grandfathers planted this tree for his wife. They have always farmed around the tree.”

  “Two hundred years, that’s more than a great grandfather, but I don’t feel like trying to figure out how many. That’s really sweet. I love little gestures like that.”

  “Little gesture? A two-hundred-year-old tree is a commitment. Not a gesture.”

  “Sorry. Why are we here?” I ask.

  “We are here for a picnic.” He smiles and shakes a basket at me.

  “A little early to eat, isn’t it?”

  “A picnic is not just about food. But if you’re hungry, I packed a few things.”

  I grin like a goofy school girl as I watch Cade set about spreading a quilt and sliding off his boots. He stuffs his socks inside to keep them safe, then motions for me to join him. I start to, and then I’m met with the memory of Ryan’s face in my dreams and I freeze. He wants me to move on. I want to move on. I need to stand on my own. I’m not sure what Cade and I are exactly.

  “What are we doing?” I ask.

  He stops. “What do you mean? I already told you—it’s a picnic. A pic-a-nic, Yogi.”

  I can tell he’s trying to make light of the concern on my face. “No. What are we doing? Are we friends? More than friends? I keep trying to think through what we are, and I can’t put a name on it.”

  His smile fades, and he loses some of the enthusiasm he’s had this morning. “What do you want us to be, Rhae?”

  Shaking my head, I shrug, “Me? I don’t know. I know you can’t want to be anything more than friends. But then you do something like staying with me at night, at least until I fall asleep, and then sometimes you do things like plan a surprise pic-a-nic. I don’t know what we are doing.”

  He stands, and steps toward me. “I don’t want to pressure you. I just want to spend more time with you and figure out what we’re doing, too. I can’t get through the day without thinking about you. Sometimes I manage to text you, but all I really want to do is be at your door the minute you get home from work. And what do you mean, you know I can’t want anything more than to be your friend?”

  I swallow. Oh, he heard that part of my ramble… “I mean, why would you want to be with me? I’m an overweight widow. You may not have noticed, but I’m pretty broken. Why would you want to get involved with me?”

  Cade takes my face in his hands and studies my eyes. “Are you crazy? You’re amazing. You keep waking up every morning, dealing with the shit storm of a mess your husband left you. I can see how broken you are. But you go to that job you hate and take care of the house you hate. You don’t have to know what you’re doing or where you’re going to keep moving, and you keep moving. As far as being an overweight widow, who cares? I see you. The real you. The heart of you. Why do you think I’m so tangled up inside? I want us to be something, but I’m afraid of how broken you are. I don’t want to push you too hard too fast. Maybe wanting to be with you is selfish.”

  I’m crying as I start to see myself through his eyes. It takes me a few minutes to settle my breathing. He wipes the tears from my eyes. Carefully, he brings his face closer and rests his forehead on mine and says, “Let’s just take it one day at a time.”

  I nod, but I can’t speak. He tilts my chin up until I’m forced to look into his eyes, and that’s when he kisses me. At first, he is tender. A small kiss on my mouth with no urgency. It is barely a brush. Feather light and sweet. He pulls back to look into my eyes. They’re wide and focused on him, but I’m no longer crying. He pulls me to him again and wraps his arms around me in a bear of a hug. He kisses me again. This time he applies more pressure and holds me there. I can tell he is unwilling to let go, and I love the feeling of being in his arms. Cade makes me feel things I thought died with Ryan.

  I pull back to stare at him this time. “We can’t do this. I need to stand on my own before we declare we are anything. I don’t even know what that means yet.”

  “I know.” He smiles as he wipes the remaining moisture from my cheek with his thumb. “That’s why I haven’t tried to label us. We spend time together. We are friends. We are friends until you’re ready for something more.”

  I’ve been misreading his patience. “I don’t know how long that will be.” The statement comes out as a heavy sigh.

  “I’ll wait. I’ll be right here by your side until you know.”

  “But you don’t live here. You’re only here until… What happens when it’s time for you to leave?”

  “Let me worry about that. You worry about finding your feet.”

  I smile as he guides me to sit on the blanket. We lie back on the quilt, our hands tangled. I enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face and the warmth of Cade’s hand covering mine.

  “I had a dream this morning,” I blurt out.

  He takes a deep breath. “Tell me about it.”

  “It was about Ryan.”

  Cade takes a deep breath, and I can tell he’s bracing himself by the line his mouth has formed. It hasn’t occurred to me that he may not want to hear any more about Ryan until now. I ramble through the details
of my dream and focus on his reactions. I tell him how dream Ryan was surrounded by heavenly light, asking for my forgiveness and how he wants me to be friends with Melody.

  He waits patiently for me to finish and then asks, “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. Nothing, I suppose. I don’t think I can handle being friends with her. Not even if Ryan was still alive. Plus, I haven’t told his mother about the baby yet.”

  “Was the dream in color or monotone?”

  I frown. “Why does that matter?” Weird question.

  “Don’t you know anything about dreams? Color or monotone?” he pushes.

  “Full color. High-def color. As real as you and me.”

  He nods. “It’s time for you to meet my grandma.”

  “Uh okay, when?”

  “Now.”

  Before I can process that thought, Cade is packing up our picnic and pulling his socks and boots on.

  “We aren’t going to eat first?” I ask.

  “Nope. This is important,” he answers. “You can eat a sandwich on the drive back.”

  A chuckle escapes as I hurry and put my sneakers back on before he leaves me behind. We load in the truck, and he drives to his grandma’s house. As if she knew to expect us, she is standing on the porch when we arrive.

  “Well, I’ll be! If she isn’t the prettiest thing I’ve seen in ages. Glory. The Lord has blessed Cade with a woman.”

  I laugh pretty hard. “I’m Cade’s friend, Rhae. Nice to meet you, ma’am.”

  “Nonsense. My name is Irma; you call me Irma. How did you snare him?”

  “I’m sorry? I didn’t snare him.”

  “You did. You’re all he talks about. How did it happen?”

  “Grandma,” Cade starts, “I told you about Rhae. She was running one night, and I tried to be chivalrous when I saw her stop to catch her breath.”