A Place to Stand

by Meg Farrell

  Sunday is torture. I pack up a couple suitcases in preparation to leave town. I lay out my Monday morning office clothes. Late in the afternoon, I write my resignation letter. Then when I run out of things to do, I sit on the porch swing and watch the sunset. I think about the time I saw Cade in the middle of the oranges and purples that fill the sky. Trying to blow off any feelings I might have for him, I mentally explain away the chills as the weather’s continual decline. Temps are dropping, after all. No matter what mental games I try to play with myself, the truth is always there. I miss him.

  Fresh Start

  Monday morning, shortly after I arrive in the office, I craft an e-mail to all of my clients giving them Dee’s contact information and informing them I would no longer be working for the company. I walk over to Bill’s desk. He’s hunched over, squinting at a spreadsheet.

  “Bill, I need to talk to you.”

  “What’s up?” He sits back and smiles at me.

  “I thought I should tell you first. I’m leaving. Quitting. Resigning.”

  He seems to process my news for a minute. “I’m proud of you. Ginger is going to miss you a lot.”

  “Thanks, buddy. Do you want me to write down instructions on how I make the coffee?”

  “Would you? Lord knows what kind of coffee I’ll turn out, but hey, it’s worth a shot.”

  I grab his legal pad and write up the instructions for using the coffee pot and which brands of coffee I buy. At the end of the note, I write down my cell phone number and my e-mail address. When I look up, Bill is staring down at the paper, and then he grabs me in a bear hug.

  “I’m gonna miss you, girl. I’ll send you pictures of Ginger…tap dancing on Dragon Lady’s face.”

  We both fall apart laughing. “You do that. I look forward to it!”

  Feeling satisfied that I have thought of everything, I walk over to Dee’s desk.

  “Can I speak with you for a moment?”

  She looks up from her computer, then locks the screen, “Sure. Come in.”

  “I wanted to say thank you for everything, but I have decided that to resign my position.” I smile and hand her my resignation letter.

  She nods. “Are you sure? We can work through this thing with Bernice. I’ll help anyway I can. We really can’t afford to lose you.” She’s sweet to offer.

  “It’s not the company, or you. It’s not even Bernice.” I think through Irma’s directive and the need for a fresh start again. I can’t share any of that with Dee without being outfitted with a white jacket that lets me hug myself. “I love working for you! Thing is, I need to find out what else is out there for me now. You know I’m on my own. I have a little insurance money from Ryan, and I think I just need to spend some time figuring out my life.”

  Dee looks like she’s about to cry. “I understand. I wish you all of the best. We’ll miss you so much.”

  We shake hands and I go to my desk to pack up. When I’m finished, Dee walks me to security where I turn in keys and my ID badge. She grabs me for a swift hug, and I let her. Apparently, I picked the perfect time to do this. As I pull back from Dee’s hug, the Dragon Lady is strolling through the lobby.

  “What’s going on here?” she asks with a fake smile.

  “Bernice,” Dee begins, “Rhae has decided to leave the company.”

  “Well, I wish I could say I didn’t see it coming, but I did. Best to you, Rhae.”

  I gave her a sarcastic smile. “Kiss my ass.”

  “What did you say to me?” Dragon Lady gapes at me, and God help me, Dee starts laughing. She is laughing and covering her mouth to mute the sound, which only makes it worse.

  “You seem to be getting slow in your old age. Plus, you seem addled with all the gossip and back biting you’ve been doing for so long. I’ll say it again, slowly. Kiss. My. Ass. Dee, it has been a pleasure to work for you. Thank you for everything.” I smile at Dee genuinely, and then I turn to Dragon Lady, who looks absolutely stunned by my small rant. I flip her off and walk to my car. I feel like a million bucks. I stood up to the old Dragon Lady!

  Instead of heading straight home, I decide it’s time to deposit the life insurance check. The assistant branch manager is available to help me. He walks me through depositing a check that large and going over how long it will take to clear. Then he explains that I should look into investments, so the money can work for me. That’s probably the smart approach. I’m not interested in smart today.

  On the way home from the bank, I have all my windows rolled down. I’m at a fine cruising speed. The wind is higher today, bringing a change of seasons with it. Fall is ready to give way to winter, and I’m ready to move on from this life. Maybe one of the things I’ll do is visit Alaska or take a trip to Canada. Somewhere really cold. Somewhere I can test what it might be like to live in an area that is the polar opposite of North Mississippi.

  When I get home, I air out the house by letting in some of the cooler fall air. After cleaning house, and reading for a while, it hits me. If Cade isn’t calling me, has he abandoned Irma? Mama raised me better than this. I might have missed the funeral during all this, but I don’t need to forsake Irma. I pick my best house plant and dig for a piece of ribbon in my desk drawer. All I can find is green with white polka dots. “It’s the thought, right?” I ask of no one. Or maybe somewhere I think I’m asking Mama.

  I tie the ribbon on the plant and go for a walk down to Irma’s house. I’m not surprised to find the sweet little lady swinging on her porch swing. Stopping at the foot of the porch steps, I look up to her.

  “May I?” I ask.

  “Of course, baby. Cade runnin’ off don’t mean you ain’t welcome.” She smiles and waves me up.

  “I’m sorry I’ve stayed away so long. I wanted to be here.” I say, almost ashamed as I hug her neck. I set the plant on the railing of the porch.

  “Nonsense! I had enough to deal with anyway. All those casseroles. Why do these women think I need to be fed because my husband died?”

  I laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes. “Oh, Mrs. Irma! I know exactly what you mean. We had this discussion back when Ryan died. I’ll never understand it.”

  Irma pats my knee. “Hell, some of them ain’t the sharpest tools in the shed, but they mean well. Where you been anyway?”

  Sighing, I answer, “I quit my job today.”

  “What? What are you going to do to pay bills?”

  “Ryan left me a little money. I’m going to use it to travel and change my life. You know, be on my own for a while. I think that’s part of Cade’s reason for disappearing. I don’t know if you know, but I was with Ryan since I was a teenager. He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. My first...everything.”

  “Sex, honey. Use grown-up words around me.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I haven’t ever been on my own. Something tells me that this is the key. So, I’m going to use the money to find my feet. I’m also selling the house.” I can’t look at her.

  Memories of everything that happened from the day we bought it until now flash through my mind. It wasn’t all bad. There wasn’t much bad at all, really. Actually, there are really great memories there. The few sad memories are related to our inability to have children. There were a grand total of two pregnancies during our years together. Each ended in miscarriage. It took me months to get over the wasteland of emotions afterward. Finally, I told Ryan I didn’t want to be a mother. Logically, it didn’t make sense for me to keep trying and hurting myself that way. It was a lie, though. The affair with Melody and her pregnancy confirm that Ryan wasn’t the problem. Our infertility was my fault. The reality hurts.

  Irma keeps the swing moving, much the way Cade did the first night we met. If she notices my mental absence, she doesn’t mention it. After a while, she reaches over and holds my hand. I love the softness of her thin, wrinkly skin. It immediately reminds me of my Granny and Mama. Blinking tears from my eyes, I turn to look at Irma’s profile. She’s smiling and staring into the distance as if s
he can see hundreds of miles away.

  “Don’t give up, Rhae. Your story’s not over yet,” she says softly.

  “I know. It’s so hard.” I start sobbing. “Sometimes... sometimes, I wish it was over. That there wasn’t some puzzle to solve, but peace. Like I want to go to sleep and not wake up. When Cade was here, I felt lighter, like I wanted to keep fighting. Now, I... I can’t, I don’t... God, I don’t know anymore. When he quit calling, something else shattered. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. Look at me, Mrs. Irma. I’m a crying, snotting mess. I never cry. Never have been an emotional person until these past few months.”

  “Keep fighting, baby. Don’t stop fighting for your life. Fight for the peace your Mama’s and Ryan’s souls need. Solve this for everyone in your life. Find happiness for you and Cade. He has as many cracks and breaks as you do.” She stops and swallows. Irma’s crying and then she turns to look me square in the eye. “When you see him again, you hug him so tight that all the broken pieces between you stick together. Hold each other up. Get through this together.”

  I hug her hard enough to see if she can help stick my pieces together right now. She hugs me as hard. Pulling back, I wipe the tears from my cheeks, nod and stand to leave. Sometime later, I wander up the steps to my house. I pour myself numerous drinks. All of which I drink sitting at the kitchen table and staring out the front window. A part of me is willing Cade to walk up the driveway. It doesn’t happen, and I run out of booze before long. Carefully pulling myself along the walls, and using the furniture for balance, I manage to lock the front door and head to bed.

  Something in me is so desperate for the comfort and assurance of Cade that I text him.

  “I know you’re broken. I am too. Maybe one day we won’t be.”

  I fall asleep waiting for a response that never comes.

  a

  The next morning, I am forced to suck down ibuprofen with orange juice. My head is a total mess. Hangovers don’t really happen to me, until lately. I mean, I’m the one who helps the drunks recover. It’s never me. I read some e-mail and fart around on Facebook for a little while. Oh look, someone is having eggs for breakfast. Good news, someone is bragging about their new car. Joy, there’s a party happening tonight that I’m not invited to. This shit is so depressing.

  Rolling my eyes, I get dressed in shorts and sneakers. I head to the shed. I need to work on my to-do list from the real estate agent. I start hoeing the grass that has crept in around my boxwoods. Next, I prune back my roses and crepe myrtles. Not too much on the crepes. No sense in cutting them too far back. I really hate crepe-murder. I work all day on the curb appeal of the house.

  Sitting alone inside that evening is worse than all the other nights since Cade left. Maybe even tougher than Ryan dying. While I’m eating soup and flipping through the paper, I decide to call my dad.

  “Hey, honey,” he answers.

  “Hey, Daddy. I’m going to be coming for a visit.”

  “Okay, when? I’ll get the guest bed made up for you. Should I thaw out some fish? Do you want me to go to the grocery store?”

  “No, no, Dad. Don’t do anything more than you would do for yourself on a daily basis. I’m going to leave here tomorrow. I listed the house with a real estate agent.”

  “Throwing in the towel or moving forward?”

  “Moving forward. I think.”

  “That’s my girl. See you tomorrow. We’ll talk all about it when you get here.”

  “Okay, Daddy. Goodnight.”

  The next morning, I hold true to my word. I load my bags into the car. I add a few essentials—books—I can’t live without. Then I head inside to look around and make sure I haven’t forgotten anything, like a phone charger. There’s a notepad laying on the counter. I decide to write Cade a letter in case of a crazy chance that he comes by.

  Dear Cade,

  I’m not sure what went wrong. I’m not sure if you are angry with me, or hurt, or just dealing with losing your grandfather. Irma and I spent some time together yesterday. She is worried about you as much as I am. She has the benefit of her sight letting her know you are okay, whereas I have to take her word for it.

  When Ryan died, my soul shattered into a million pieces. The time we spent together let some of those pieces begin to mend. For that, I am grateful. The past weeks without any contact from you has splintered the healed places all over again.

  I’ve listed the house for sale, and I’m starting over. Perhaps, one day, when we’re in a better place, we can find each other.

  All the best,

  Rhae

  I fold it in threes and place it in an envelope. I write his name on the outside and tape the envelope to the inside of the storm door.

  I lock the front door, and head for my car. I turn the radio up as loud as I can stand. Something has to drown out the temptation to cry. For a few minutes, I stare at the front of my house and gather my strength to leave it. I put the car in reverse and slowly back out of the driveway.

  Two hours later, I pull in at my dad’s. His crazy dog, Max, meets me at the car. He’s so excited to see me that I have to hold him off the door to even get out of the car. Max is licking and jumping all around me until my dad commands, “Get down!” Max runs off like his ass is on fire. Almost everyone knows better than to cross the old man.

  Dad comes over to the car and wraps me in a big hug, “How was your drive?”

  “Fast.” I grin.

  Dad shakes his head. “See, that’s why I never ride with you.”

  “Hey, Daddy.” I mumble into his chest where he has me almost smothered.

  Dad pulls back to look at me. “All right. We have things to discuss. Let’s get something to drink.”

  I walk in behind him. The smell of the house reminds me of my mama. Dinner cooking, Clorox from cleaning the floors, and lemon dusting spray all mix into a smell that says I’m home.

  “Who’s been bleaching floors and dusting furniture?”

  “Jess. She worries. Comes down here once a week or so to clean house. She thinks I’m going to die under a pile of dust bunnies if she doesn’t come down. I mean, seriously, am I that much of a mess without your mama?”

  “No, sir. That’s just Jess. She has to take care of someone all the time. I’m glad she’s that way.”

  “Hell, I am too. I put on pinto beans for supper. Can you make cornbread?”

  “You got Mama’s mixing bowl?”

  He laughs and leaves me to it in the kitchen. We always use the same mixing bowl because Mama didn’t measure anything. She taught us to cook by eyeballing the amounts. It is actually a bit more precise if I can use the mixing bowl I grew up with.

  I dig around in the cabinets and set about locating the corn meal, salt, butter, eggs and milk. Since Dad’s been on his own, we always check the dates on anything we use from the fridge. Luckily nothing’s expired. Jess must have run through checking when she was down here cleaning.

  After I get the cornbread in the oven, I fall into the couch next to Dad. He immediately mutes the game. “Talk.”

  I spend a few minutes getting my thoughts together, and then I launch into the reasons that I’m selling the house. None of which is news to my Dad. He’s been down this road. I tell him about my dreams. I pick and choose what else to tell him: Melody–no, Cade–yes. He looks surprised about Cade.

  He doesn’t register an official opinion until after I’m finished. Then it’s more of a confession than an opinion. “I’ve been seeing your Mama here too. Not in my dreams, but like a shadow here and there when I know I am absolutely alone out here.”

  I’m stunned. I don’t know what to say to him. He follows up with, “Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

  I smile and nod my agreement.

  NOLA

  A week passes, and I am feeling stronger than ever. I haven’t thought about men or pregnant mistresses or even being lonely. I’ve heard from the girls and from my friends at work a few times. Everyone is worried, but I
’m not. I decide that my next destination is New Orleans. I’ve never been there, it’s only about a six-hour drive, and it sounds like fun to embark on an adventure all on my own.

  Traveling was something I had always wanted to do. Life, however, had other plans. Ryan and I rushed into marriage and jobs so fast that we never took the time. The absence of him in my life has created an opportunity for me. I don’t think most people think of someone’s death as an opportunity, and I wish this had happened a different way. I wish he was here with me and we were traveling the U.S. together. But God had plans I couldn’t prepare for.

  I arrive in New Orleans right around sunset. The sun kisses the tops of buildings and burns like a purple fire in the sky. I almost can’t see where the land ends and the water begins as I’m driving across Lake Pontchartrain and am filled with wonder and awe as I process how beautiful the city looks. There are signs of the damage caused by Hurricane Katrina, and I suppose there always will be. A person can’t forget the impressions made by something so massive, and a city can’t either. All you can do is pick up the pieces and move forward. New Orleans and I are picking up the pieces together, I think.

  I park and walk over to Café Du Monde. Beignets are perfect at any time of day, and I can always use some coffee. I settle in on the patio to watch the sunset finish and begin to people watch, which should be considered a sport. I watch families with a stroller walk by as a toddler has a meltdown when their mothers decline to come inside and get the ooey gooey doughy goodness. I see old-time lovers and remember things my mother used to say, “They hold hands to keep from hitting each other.” I laugh, but I know she was only kidding. She was with my Dad for forty years. They loved each other every day. Still, I can’t help but think about the stories shared by the passersby. Have they been together forever? Did they just meet? I build scenarios in my mind that could rival the strangest stories told by any soap operas.