A Place to Stand

by Meg Farrell

  He shakes his head. “You kept me at such a distance. My grandmother refused to tell me anything. I got so mad at her, but I couldn’t walk away. I had promised to help her deal with the funeral and everything with my grandfather’s passing. So, I did, but not knowing and being afraid of the fool I would make of myself being around you, I did the hardest thing I have ever done. I stayed away from you.”

  He reaches across the table and takes my hand, looking deep into my eyes. “After a couple of days, I decided that there was no way for me to come back. If I came back I would be an even bigger fool. At this point, you had stopped trying to call me too. I thought you hated me. I turned into an obsessed stalker. I was driving by your house. I was checking in with Jess and Connor. They were telling me to suck it up and call you, but I couldn’t. What would I say?”

  I shake my head and then take a steadying sip of coffee before answering his rhetorical question, “You would tell me the truth. You would be that fool. You would apologize and stay with me.” I stop when I feel tears welling up in my eyes.

  “You’re right. I’m an idiot, but I’m learning. After I went to Jess’s house, I came back to yours. I ran up the stairs and started to bang on the door. I was committed to doing whatever it would take to get you to talk to me, then I saw an envelope with my name on it.”

  Oh shit. The letter I left him. “Did you read it?” I asked.

  He nods. “I did. I knew I’d hurt you. I’m so sorry. I had to find you. I called Connor, who told me you had been at your dad’s. They gave me his number, and I called him.”

  “You what? Oh, he will eat you alive!” I can’t imagine what my dad could have said to him. Dad knew I was hurt.

  He laughs, “Yeah, he did!”

  “God. I’m so sorry.” I say, sincerely apologetic.

  “No. Don’t be sorry. I took the heat. I fucked up. What else could I do? Deny it? That’s not who I am. When he finished yelling at me, I apologized for hurting you. He let me finish, and then all he said was ‘New Orleans’ and hung up on me.”

  That sounds like my dad. First, he doesn’t like using the phone. Second, he doesn’t like people hurting his girls. Third, he doesn’t say goodbye. He wasn’t pissy when he hung up, that’s just Dad.

  Cade continues, “I jumped in my truck and drove here. I didn’t even pack anything. I’m surprised you didn’t notice my wrinkled clothes. I’ve been sleeping in them. Sorry about that, by the way. I probably smell like a barn animal.”

  We laugh together and all the burden I have been carrying around seems to lift a little bit.

  “Anyway, I didn’t know how to find you. I got to the city around dark and I wandered around. I walked the quarter and every street I could, hoping I would see you. And I did. It was well after dark, and I saw you come out of the hotel. My heart was hammering when I was sure it was you. You’re the most gorgeous creature I have ever laid eyes on. More beautiful than my memory had left me with.” Cade reaches up and tucks a curl behind my ear, then places his hand on my cheek.

  I turn my face into his hand. “And then?” I ask.

  “I thought I might crumble from the inside. I needed to be near you. You’ll have to forgive me for not grabbing you immediately. It was so fascinating to me to see you observe the people and the city. You have such a zeal for life, for analyzing everything.”

  The tears welling up in my eyes start spilling down my cheeks. I hadn’t expected to understand how he sees me.

  He wipes the tears off my cheeks. “I can see the wheels in your mind turning every time we talk. Every time I see you take in a new situation. It is mind-blowing how you commit details to memory and figure people out in a single moment. It is actually a little overwhelming, too. You intimidate people with how well you read them. That’s why I was so insistent you talk to grandma. You remind me of her.”

  I laugh. “So, you found me. And you’ve gone full-blown stalker.”

  “I apologize for the stalker bit, but knowing how pissed you were going to be, I had to approach you carefully. I followed you into the club and took a seat where I could watch you. The way you were dancing was mesmerizing. When I saw you head back to the floor after a break, my resolve was trashed. I had to touch you. I had to be the one to dance with you. The rest is history, as they say.”

  I sit in stunned silence. The prevalent feeling swirling around my brain is that he came for me. He came to find me. He didn’t leave because he was angry or disappointed with me. He didn’t leave because he couldn’t deal with his grandfather. I had intimidated him into thinking we would never be more than great friends. This is as much my fault as it is his. I shake my head and reach to wipe the tears.

  “I can’t say it yet. I want to love you. There’s nothing in this world that I want more than to love and be loved in return. I just don’t have it in me right now. Can we move forward on an I’ll try basis?” I swallow several times to help alleviate the overwhelming urge to fall apart in this very public place. I really do want to say I love him in return. I chance a look at him and hope lights his face. He drops money on the table, stands, and reaches for my hand. I take it, and he pulls me from my chair.

  “I’ll take what I can get.”

  All I can do is nod. Standing in the middle of this little cafe, he kisses me. It’s a kiss like none-other we’ve shared. It is intense, and for the first time in my life, I know what everyone means by “toe-curling.” I swear I can feel flames between my legs.

  Firsts

  We walk back to the hotel holding hands. I can help but lay my head on his shoulder every now and then. Being apart from Cade was an agony I couldn’t bear. Being back beside him and being more than we were before feels like the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. As we enter the hotel room, I’m all hands. Grabbing for him. He gets the door closed, and I pull him to me and wrap my arms around him tightly.

  “Ugh, Rhae, can’t breathe,” he wheezes out.

  “Sorry. I just needed you to know how much you mean to me.” I look up to his eyes and they are alive in a way I haven’t noticed before. Like the sun itself shines through him.

  “Call your dad and Jess,” he says with a smile.

  “What? Uh, I had other...” I stammer.

  “I know. I have more plans for you too, but I told them I would have you call once I found you and we had our talk. I promised, actually.”

  I groan. “Really? Okay.” I walk over to my purse sitting on the desk and fish out my cell. I call Jess first. All she wanted to know is whether or not I accepted his story and if I was happy to see him. I assure her I am super happy, and everything is fine. I also agree to call her back when I have a moment to go into details without an audience—Cade—around.

  The call to my dad was even shorter. I told him Cade had shown up and that we were fine. He answered simply, “That’s good. Be happy, baby.”

  After I hung up with my family, I turned to see Cade had fallen asleep on my bed. He must not have been resting well. Our time apart wasn’t hard on just me. It had taken a toll on him as well. Drawing the curtains to darken the room, I decide to let him rest. We have all the time we need now. There’s no hurry. We’re finally together and everything is on the table. A feeling of satisfaction and a sense of home washes over me.

  Gently sitting on the edge of the bed, I bend down and untie my shoes. I take them off and place them under the accent chair. I slide my jeans off, then pull my secret bra maneuver and pull it through the sleeve of my T-shirt. Crawling onto the bed, I snuggle into the nook of his arm and rest my head on his chest. His arm automatically tightens around me, and he kisses the top of my head.

  “So tired, baby,” he murmurs.

  “I know. Rest. We have all the time we need.” We succumb to our exhaustion having finally found some kind of peace.

  a

  Warmth envelopes me, and I slowly awaken. Cade has covered us with the comforter and is wrapped around me from behind. Endeavoring to be even closer to him, I turn over and snuggle in
to his chest. He kisses the top of my head, and I sigh contentedly. I kiss the hollow of his throat and work my way up his neck to his mouth. He kisses me tenderly. My mouth parts and we are a mash of sloppy, uncoordinated tongues.

  “It’s okay,” Cade mumbles and pulls back from me. “Relax.”

  “Sorry,” I apologize, feeling reprimanded for my gusto.

  “Don’t be sorry. We just have to find our rhythm.” Cade starts to kiss my neck, and I feel all the tension leave my body as I relax into the mattress and allow him to move down my body. His hands slide down my side and under my shirt. Pushing my shirt out the way on his way up, he kisses across my belly. I am nervous about whether or not he’ll think my body is ugly or wrong, but it feels so good that the thought doesn’t last long. He reaches my breasts, and I sit up to remove the shirt over my head.

  Not one to waste a moment, Cade takes advantage of my temporary distraction to wrap his arms around me and roll us over so I’m on top of him. Straddling his lap, I lean down for another kiss. He holds me close and kisses me deeply. Kissing him could be my new favorite hobby. He uses his lips like an artist painting a masterpiece. He gently teases one moment, and then ravages my lips in the next. Maybe because it’s been so long since I’ve been kissed, but I want to drown in him.

  Tangling my hands in his hair to kiss him deeper, I’m trying to eliminate any space there might be between our bodies. His skin is warm, and I can’t seem to touch him enough. The fuzz on his chest and belly tickle my skin, and I run my fingers through it. Cade lets out a groan and moves his hands to my hips. I lift so he can slide my panties down and out of the way. Turning us again so that he hovers above me, he kisses me quickly and stands beside the bed. I’m given quite the show as I watch him peel out his trademark jeans and white T-shirt. Dammit, he wears boxer briefs. Who would have known? A big smile forms on my face.

  “What are you smiling at?” Cade asks with the corner of his mouth turning up a little bit. I can tell he’s fighting a smile of his own. “See anything you like?”

  “I was just enjoying the view.”

  “Really? Do you mind if I lose them?”

  “Not at all. Carry on.”

  He removes the source of my amusement and climbs back into bed with me. He holds me tenderly and explores every inch of my body with his mouth. I’m writhing under his touch, unable to calm my nerves. I steady myself by holding onto his arms. They are strong, and I can feel the definition of every muscle under his skin. As he moves back to my mouth, his hands trace where his mouth has already been. Cade kisses behind my ear as one hand moves to my breast and the other caresses my ass. I arch my back and a groan because I can’t contain myself. He continues his multiple assaults on my body, as an orgasm builds deep within me. It has been so long that the approaching feeling of release brings tears to my eyes.

  “Shhh, I’ve got you.” He reaches a hand down between my legs and uses his fingers to bring me closer to the edge. It takes only a minute to find release so violently that my body is shaking. I cry out. His mouth is on mine instantly, trying to absorb some of my moans. He kisses me through the duration of my orgasm, and more tears streak down my face. Cade kisses the line of each tear and asks, “You okay?” I barely manage a nod, and he kisses me again.

  My desire for him becomes stronger and stronger until I’m holding his shoulders and digging my nails into his back. Urging him closer, I wrap my legs around his waist and squeeze a little. He groans loudly and devours my mouth. Pulling back, he stares into my eyes as he takes me. I feel satisfyingly full, and another orgasm is building already. I relax and allow it to take me again. Cade is moving slowly, and it is a ridiculously great feeling.

  Sweat dots his brow. Using all my strength I push him over and onto his back. I move over him and lower myself back onto his erection. We move together as he takes my breasts in his hands. The idea of satisfying him excites me and motivates me to quicken our pace until he let’s go. Together, we reach our release. I revel in the face and sounds he makes when he finishes and then collapse on his chest as he holds me. We are breathing roughly, and sweat coats our skin.

  “Oh, my God.” I pant.

  “Yeah, I know,” he answers.

  “What a wake-up call. You can wake me up like that anytime.”

  Cade chuckles. “Every day.”

  I sit up to look at him. “Every day?”

  “Every day.”

  I laugh as I move to cuddle into his side again. “We probably need to find some food. We haven’t eaten since brunch. What time is it anyway?”

  He looks at his watch. “Uh, it’s eleven-thirty.”

  “A.m. or p.m.?”

  “P.m.”

  “What? We slept all day?”

  He chuckles. “Afraid so.”

  “My God, don’t ever put us through this again,” I threaten. “We’ve burned too much energy trying to fix this.”

  Cade takes the moment seriously. “Never again. I love you too much.” We rest lying together for another couple hours. Sometimes we can’t help but kiss each other. Sometimes we just lie motionless and talk. Eventually, we both cave and sleep some more.

  I’m walking through a field of sunflowers. It is a hot day, there’s sweat on the back of my neck. Someone walking on the far side of the field from me, and I call out, “Mama?”

  “You make me so proud,” she answers.

  “I do?”

  “Yes, you do.”

  She is beyond my reach, but I can faintly see her smile. She is brighter than the sun surrounding her. The light is too much for my eyes, and it’s hurting to keep my eyes on her.

  “I have always been proud of you. I’m afraid I died without telling you enough,” she says sadly.

  Crying, I yell to her, “I love you. Don’t leave me. Promise you’ll stay. I can’t lose you again.”

  “I promise. Anytime you need me, I’ll be here. I love you more than you could ever know.”

  I start to shake.

  “Are you okay?” Cade rubs my arm gently. “Honey, are you okay? Wake up.”

  Slowly coming around, I notice that light is filling our room. Sitting up, I wipe my eyes with the heels of my hands.

  “Rhae, what is it? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. I think. It was a dream. I’ve been having a lot of them lately.”

  “Not good then?” he asks gently.

  “No, it was amazing. I saw my mama. She was telling me how much she loves me and is proud of me. That was part of what Irma and I talked about. How I’m seeing my mama and Ryan in my dreams. Their spirits are lingering. Something about what a mess my life is. Was.”

  “And now?”

  “And now? I don’t know. The dream I had makes me think Mama is leaving again. She is satisfied with everything. I can let her go peacefully. It feels like I’m losing her. It’s been so long since I felt the sting of losing her.” I stop. I don’t want to cry.

  “Grandma always says spirits come to us when we need them. You needed her after all the hell of losing Ryan, and then when I pulled what I did.” He stops and swallows, “God, I’m so sorry I did that. I’m an idiot.”

  “No. This isn’t your fault. I did need her. She needs to be at peace though. I have to get used to the idea of not seeing her anymore.”

  “Because you’re happy?”

  I grin. “Yes, silly.”

  Cade smiles the smile that melts my insides. “And, what is it that you want?”

  I shake my head. “Nope. I want a shower and breakfast.”

  Cade looks disappointed, and I lean over to kiss him before sliding off the bed and heading for the bathroom. Letting the water warm while I gather my towels and toiletries, I stand in front of the mirror and take in my fresh appearance. My skin and eyes are bright. No signs of dark circles. No sign of stress or apprehension. I turn to check the water and run smack-dab into Cade.

  “Well, hello there,” I say with an exaggerated southern accent.

  “Hi,” he answers
sweetly before wrapping me in his arms. I rise up on my toes, and he kisses me sweetly. He kisses me until my knees nearly buckle and my toes are curling again.

  “Wow.” I breathe. “Shower?”

  “Don’t mind if I do.” He strips me out of the T-shirt I was using as a cover up until the shower got warm. Of course, being handsome and confident, he’s walking around naked. Hey, I won’t complain. The scenery is nice. He steps into the water and holds his hand out to help me in. The water is just right, and I stand under the stream with my eyes closed, rinsing away the roller coaster of emotions. Heat from the water lets the happy sink in. At least, that’s what I imagine the water doing.

  My back is to Cade. He grabs the shampoo and begins to lather my hair. “I love the shorter hair, by the way. I don’t think I said anything about it when I saw you yesterday.”

  “Nope, you didn’t mention it. I was so pissed at you that I didn’t think to get mad at you for not noticing. It’s not the biggest thing that happened in Florida either,” I say teasing.

  “Really? What else did you do in Florida?” he asks while he finishes applying conditioner to my hair.

  I turn to face him and reach for the body wash. “Well, it was a spa day with Clea. We got massages, mani/pedis, haircuts, and...” I trail off. Heat rushes my face, and Cade grabs my chin to force me to look at him.

  “What is it? Why are you blushing?”

  “Waxes. We got waxes,” I spit it out and pull away from him.

  “Really?” he asks and makes a move to look.

  I jump, “Cade! Don’t! I don’t think I want that experience again. Besides, it’s growing back.”

  “Don’t be shy. I plan to study every inch of you. Anyway, it doesn’t matter to me either way. I love your body anyway I can get it. We will cherish each other from now on. Don’t you think?”

  “You sound like a girl sometimes,” I say jokingly, “but yes, I agree. Too much has shown me that I can’t take anything for granted. Ever.”

  I pull back from him and grab the wash cloth and soap. I wash him, and he finishes by taking care of me. After our shower, Cade steps out first and passes me a couple towels. I wrap one around my head. When I lean back and secure my towel, I notice he is still standing in the bathroom with nothing but a towel around his waist. The view stuns me into silence. A breath catches in my throat.