A Place to Stand

by Meg Farrell

  The trip is quicker than I expected. This may be because I missed most of it. I ran out of coffee, and that, mixed with the rhythmic motion of the truck and pounding of Cade’s heart under my ear, must have lulled me to sleep. He never made an attempt to wake me up. He just let me sleep for the whole trip. I wake as we pull into my driveway. My house looks so tiny compared to Cade’s. A twinge of regret pulls at my chest when I look at it as something I’m leaving behind.

  “Ready?” Cade asks as if reading my mind.

  “As I’ll ever be.”

  We go inside the house and I look around. Having cleaned so much out, there is still so much to do. There is a laundry list of things to be done, people to see, and goodbyes to be said. Cade sits on the couch and pats the space beside him. I assume my place in the crook of his arm.

  “I want to go see Irma,” I say after a while.

  He smiles down at me and kisses my forehead. “We can do that.”

  We decide to walk. It’s chilly, but not unbearable today. A walk will do us some good after the long car ride. As we approach the steps to the porch, Irma bursts through the door.

  “Get up here, girl!”

  I bound up the steps and right into her arms. She is a petite woman but seems to swallow me in a hug as fierce as Cade’s. “I missed you, Mrs. Irma.”

  “Child, you call me Irma. I missed you too, baby. Are things better?”

  I nod. “Better than I could have ever imagined.”

  She smiles and holds my face for a few minutes, forcing me to look her in the eyes. When she seems satisfied I am telling her the truth, she releases me and turns to Cade, who is standing awkwardly a few feet away from us. His face is turned to the floor, and he is shifting on his feet.

  Irma walks over to him purposefully and smacks his arm as hard as possible across the back of his head. I jump, and I’m about to rush over, but something stops me. I know better than to step in the middle of someone being handed their ass.

  “What is wrong with you? You were raised better than that.” She rants on, and there are only pieces that I catch in her rapid-fire tirade. Bits of “know better” and “didn’t even call” and “actin’ like a fool” and so on. Finally, she reaches the end of her anger and grabs his face, making him look into her eyes. When he does, I notice they are both crying.

  “I’m sorry, Grandmama. I didn’t mean to do it either. I made a decision, and it spiraled from there. I promise I won’t do anything like that again.”

  Her face softens. “Oh, honey. I don’t want you to do better for me. Do better for you. For Rhae.”

  He smiles and hugs his grandmother, lifting her off the ground in his enthusiasm.

  She starts squirming and fussing, “Dammit! Put me down, boy! Have you lost your mind?” He sets her down and wipes the tears from her face. “Well, let’s not stand around freezing to death. Get in the house.”

  Irma makes us fresh coffee as we bide time around her dining room table. When she sits with us, she reaches out and takes my hand and then Cade’s.

  “I saw this,” she begins. “I knew you needed each other. You were both broken and didn’t know how badly. Rhae had to find her own way to see that you were where she needed to be. Her home. Cade, you had to grieve your grandfather and wait patiently on Rhae. Neither of you are fixed yet, but I can see the lines mending.”

  Pride beams through me. I squeeze her hand and nod. “Patience has never been a strong suit for me.”

  “No ma’am it has not. Your mama and I spoke about that recently.”

  “What? What do you mean? You spoke to my mama?” That doesn’t make sense. Mama is only in my dreams. Well, Dad’s and mine.

  “Honey, I see things you don’t see. I have been visiting with your mama since Ryan died. Before you were ever involved with Cade. I knew what was happening to you.”

  I nod, and tears tickle my cheeks. When did I become such a crybaby? This is the most annoying part of allowing someone in. I get emotional, and dammit if it isn’t like a leaky faucet. Drip, drip, drip.

  Cade looks puzzled when he asks, “Grandma, why did you keep everything from me? Why didn’t you clue me into what you knew? I could have avoided all the heartache I put her through.”

  “Had to figure it out on your own. Just because I know things, doesn’t mean I need to involve myself. Was bad enough I told Rhae that I knew about her dreams. Ryan and her mama meandering through her head every night. If I didn’t let you figure it out, it wouldn’t mean so much to be with her now. Would it?” Oh, she is good. She has him pegged so well.

  We finish our coffee, and I fill Irma in on my plan for the house. She smiles, and of course, tells us that she knew I would do this. I can’t help but side with Cade on thinking knowing what she knew would have been helpful during this whole ordeal. Bottom line: I know she’s right. We would have said she was crazy if she told us. Hell, I still think she’s a little nuts, but in the best kind of way.

  My cell rings and it’s the real estate agent. She’s on her way. Cade and I love on Irma little bit more, and then we head for the house. The agent is already there as we arrive. Standing with her is a man I’ve never met before. After some brief introductions, I learn the man is an attorney who works with my agent, Mr. Austin.

  My agent starts, “I hope you don’t mind, but with this type of request, there is quite a bit of paperwork to have done. I already had the house inspected, and it passed with flying colors. Mr. Austin has drawn up the closing paperwork. You can sign them now, and, per your request, we will let you deliver the papers to Ms. Richards. Make sure she signs them in front of a notary.”

  “Thank you so much. I appreciate your proactive approach. I think this is all perfect. Thank you, Mr. Austin. You have been most helpful.” I offer him my hand to shake.

  Mr. Austin shakes my hand. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Of course.”

  “Why would you pay off your house, only to sign the deed over to someone unrelated to you? It is the most bizarre case I have ever worked.”

  “I don’t really know how to answer that. There is a long story behind the notion. Suffice it to say, I’m gratefully paying it forward to someone who may or may not deserve good things.” I turn to face Cade as I finish. He is beaming and squeezes my hand. He still hasn’t gotten past the need to touch me all the time.

  “I guess I’ll never understand that sentiment. But I wish you well, Ms. Peters.”

  I shake his hand again. Cade and I stand on the porch as we watch the car pull away.

  “Think you can go through with this?” he asks.

  “I know I can. No big deal. Total peace,” I answer confidently. “Can I borrow your truck?”

  “Of course, but it’ll cost you.”

  “Oh yeah, what’s the going rate?”

  Cade places his hands on either side of my face and leans in. He kisses me. It isn’t insistent, or urgent. There’s nothing but the tender pressure of his lips on mine. We stay there for a minute. When he releases my mouth, he touches his forehead to mine. I keep my eyes closed. “Be careful,” he whispers.

  “I will. Back soon.”

  a

  I take Cade’s truck and head for Lakeview. My first stop is to Ryan’s mother’s house. We haven’t spoken since the funeral. I bring her boxes of Ryan’s things, and then tell her about Melody and the baby. It is one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had. She becomes overwhelmed with sadness and joy. When she reaches the point of acceptance, I tell her my plans for the house. I invite her to a dinner I’m planning tomorrow.

  Next, I drive toward the community college. Making the necessary turns, I notice that I’m driving on Cypress. I haven’t driven on this road since Ryan’s accident. Approaching the city limits sign marking the divide between Bell Hills and Lakeview, my breath catches. There are deep ruts off the side of the road. There is grass growing in the ruts, but they are still clear. I slow down and pull off the road.

  I walk around the front of th
e truck and stand in the ruts. My eyes trace them to where they disappear. I can feel what happened here. My sixth sense tells me this is where Ryan wrecked. Standing in the middle of the ditch on the side of the road, I begin to shake and cry. My hand flies to my mouth, covering it, trying to dampen the sounds emanating from me. I fall to my knees and close my eyes. This is it. Where my life changed. Where Ryan’s life ended. I stay there, frozen, until the tears pass. When they do, I am a snotty mess, and I can feel the swelling rising around my eyes.

  Am I mourning Ryan or the loss of what I thought was a perfect life? Mourning Ryan was how I have spent the last several months of my life. Isn’t it? Maybe it’s shock from seeing the evidence I turned a blind eye to for so long. I didn’t want to see his body, or his Jeep. I certainly never wanted to see this.

  “Get up!” I say out loud to myself. “Get the fuck off the ground. It’s over. You have a new life to live.” Somewhere deep within, I find the strength to stand. I get in Cade’s truck and clean up my face in his rearview mirror. It’s bad, but not as bad as I thought. I spend a few minutes catching my breath and steadying myself. When I’m ready, I pull back on to the road and finish my drive to Lakeview.

  When I pull into the parking lot of the college, I realize I’m not sure where to find Melody. I park the truck in a spot and decide to try the administration building to see if they will help me find her. I walk into the building and stop at the information desk. The girl working the desk has her back to me as she’s filing a stack of paperwork. I clear my throat to get her attention, and she spins around.

  The first thing I notice is her protruding belly. I’m speechless as I look from her belly to her face. A hollowness starts to fill my chest. I’m stunned at the feeling. Silently, I pray that maybe God will give me one of my own in the future. I tell myself it just wasn’t meant to be for Ryan and me. It wasn’t the right time.

  I’m positive this is the girl who came to my house. It’s Melody. I never expected to walk into the first building on campus and find her. The shock of the moment throws me off my game. The look on her face is one of fear mixed with anger; maybe embarrassment.

  “Hey,” I say as I walk closer to her.

  She looks confused. “Hey. What are you doing here?”

  “Look, I know you don’t owe me anything, but I would like to talk to you. Are you working? When do you get a break?”

  “You talked to me when you didn’t owe me anything. So, it’s only fair for me to return the favor.” She rubs her belly and sighs. “I get off in half an hour. I’ll meet you at the union building.”

  “Deal.” I smile and head over to the union.

  a

  I find a table in a secluded corner of the room and settle in to wait. Nearly an hour later she comes waddling into the room. I mean, that poor girl is carrying a large baby. Larger than I think her frame should be carrying. Poor girl doesn’t walk; she waddles. I make a mental note not to say anything about that though. The last thing I want to do is upset her.

  She takes a seat across from me and starts, “What brings you here?”

  “I was a real bitch the last time we spoke. The first thing I need to do is apologize to you. I’m sorry for that. I won’t make excuses about the state of mind I was in or the hell my life had become. I was raised better than that.”

  “You were a bitch,” she says and smiles at me. “But you had every reason to treat me that way. I wasn’t thinking clearly either. I bear at least fifty percent of the responsibility for the affair with Ryan.”

  I don’t feel like re-hashing the same things. “Let’s move forward,” I say. “I have been thinking a lot lately. Actually, trying to figure out some things about what needs to happen so that I can move on. I need to let him go, and I need to forgive him. I can’t forgive him while I’m still angry. The anger has to go first. It has been eating at me and keeping me unhappy.”

  “Okay,” she says timidly.

  I try to smile. “When Ryan died, he had a life insurance policy through his job. It was substantial.”

  “How lovely for you,” she says with a twisted smirk.

  “Stay with me here. My original plan was to quit my job and travel for a year or so. Living like a nomad sounded interesting. I deposited the money in the bank and quit my job the same day. I even made a trip to New Orleans.”

  Melody leans forward and puts her elbows on the table. “Was it everything people say it is? Magical? Haunted?” She’s genuinely curious.

  I smile. “Both. What happened there was a defining moment for me. I decided to get rid of my house and move there.” I don’t mention Cade right now. “Ryan and I didn’t owe much on it. We bought it for a steal and fixed it up over the years. So, I used some of the money he left me and paid it off.”

  I reach down into my bag and pull out the stack of paperwork my lawyer friend prepared. I slide them toward her.

  “I have already signed these papers, but we need to go find a notary to witness your signature.” I stop and give her a few minutes to read through the top page.

  Melody’s hand covers her mouth and tears fill her eyes. She looks from the papers to me and back to the papers. “This isn’t real. You are not giving me a house.”

  I nod and smile. “I am. I have no need for it now. Ryan and I shared it. Even if I wasn’t moving to New Orleans, I wouldn’t stay there. I can’t. The pain for me is overwhelming when I’m there. I want you and the baby to have it. Give that baby a good start.”

  She is sobbing now. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Don’t say anything. Well, do say you know a notary where we can get your signature on the papers. Then we need to work out a moving schedule.” I reach out to hold her hand. “This wasn’t all your fault, and this way Ryan can still sort of provide for the baby.”

  Melody rises from her chair and comes over to hug me. She swallows hard and wipes the tears from her face. “I know a notary. We have to go back to the administration building and see the registrar.” And we do.

  I’m so emotionally spent that I physically hurt by the time I get home to Cade. The sun is setting and casting shadows across the house. Cade meets me on the porch and takes my purse, helping me to the bed. I flop unattractively and just lay there. He sits beside me and rubs my arm in soothing circles.

  “Can I help?” he asks.

  “No. It went way better than I thought it would, and she cried. A lot. My brain is fried from all of this.”

  He kisses my forehead. “I know. It’s all gravy from here. Want dinner?”

  I shake my head. “No. I can’t eat. I need a shower, the bed, and you.” Cade obliges my requests and tucks me into bed.

  a

  I guess it was the stress of the previous day and the long drive from New Orleans, but I sleep until well into the afternoon the next day. Surfacing, I recognize the laughter of my sister in the other room. Curiosity gets the better of me, and I reluctantly throw my legs out of the bed. My body protests as I stand. It feels good to stretch and wake up my muscles. I pad over to the door and close it, so I can get dressed. When I finish brushing my teeth, I go into the living room.

  Jess, Connor, Cade, and Jillian are all sitting there. Jillian is curled up in Cade’s lap, and she is bright red.

  “What’s up?” I ask. Everyone turns to look at me. Jess stands and comes over to hug me.

  “Thought I wouldn’t get to see you again. Dad made it sound like you were running away forever.”

  I hug her back. “Not forever. Just long enough to figure out my life.”

  “And the results are?” she asks.

  “Perfect.” I make eye contact with Cade when I answer. He smiles and slides Jillian out of his lap. She runs to me and jumps in my arms.

  “Aunt Rhae!” She has grown at least a foot since I last saw her.

  “Hey, Jillybean. How are you, sweet girl?”

  “Mama won’t let me have any coffee.”

  “Someone is going to step on that bottom lip if you
leave it out like that. You listen to your mama. She knows what she’s talking about. Growing girls don’t need coffee.” I give her a stern look. That is until Jess turns to go into the kitchen. Then I smile at Jillian and say, “I’ll sneak you a sip.”

  Jillian is so excited she squeezes my neck and kisses my cheek. “I love you, Aunt Rhae. You’re the best!” I set her down and walk over to the recliner where Cade is sitting. He opens his arms, and I sit on his lap and nuzzle into his neck.

  “Sleep good?” he asks while rubbing my back.

  “Yeah. What’s the plan today?” I ask.

  “Well, first,” Jess starts, “you need to get your grown ass off that man and make a list of everything that needs to happen to get you moved. I can’t lie, I’m jealous as hell that you are moving to N’awlins.”

  I sit up and look at Cade. “You told them?”

  He shrugs. “We got close when I went trying to find you, plus we are going to need some help.”

  I nod. “I know. I’m really glad you called them.”

  Connor jumps in with plans for trailers and trucks. Logistics makes my head spin. Cade echoes the sentiments and expounds on ideas that Connor has. Jess motions with her head for me to follow her out on the back porch. I grab Jillian’s hand and the three of us slip outside while the boys get more and more animated in their discussion. You would think those two had been hanging out on a daily basis or something. They act like old friends.

  Out on the porch, Jess sends Jillian to play in the yard. We sit at the table and face each other. Jess looks pensive, and ready to pounce.

  “Go ahead. Ask,” I say.

  “What do you mean? Ask what?” she feigns confusion.

  “You know you want to ask. You are about to bounce out of your skin. Ask,” I say again.

  “Okay, well, maybe there are a few things I might want to ask about. I mean, you’re okay with me asking?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be? Ask away.”

  “Well, first, what the hell happened? You’re moving to N’awlins with him? It’s like Ryan all over again when you were a teenager.”