Risky Rules of a Passionate Governess

by Henrietta Harding

  “There’s something that I must ask you,” Lord Garret went on, “which fills me with dread.”

  “Speak.”

  “Is there perhaps another reason why you won’t take my offer? Is there a deeper reason which you are neglecting to speak of?”

  “Yes,” Katherine said unabashedly.

  “I must know of it.”

  “That time that we shared together, and the letters that we wrote to one another after, were some of the happiest memories in my life,” Katherine explained with unwavering honesty. “I gave you my whole heart, Lord Garret. I gave you my body, soul, and yes, my honor. You had it all in your hands and I never wished to give it to another man again.”

  “Katherine,” Lord Garret said softly, and she could see that his heart was breaking as well.

  “But you took this and destroyed it. You took all of my love and you crushed it within your palm. For this reason more than any other, I cannot return to Bonhomie.”

  Lord Garret took his hands off of her knees and leaned back onto his heels, his hands on his thighs and his face turned towards the ground.

  “My god,” he said in sadness.

  “You asked for my honest answer and I gave it to you,” Katherine said softly.

  “I wanted nothing more than to know that truth, and I thank you for your honest reply,” Lord Garret said, still looking down. “And trust that I shall never forget this for the rest of my life, and I will seek to amend it in any way that I can. But please know,” he went on, finally looking up at her. “I can never love another the way that I love you. If those were some of the happiest memories of your life, then so they were for me, too. Thoughts of you have not left my mind since I have met you, and they continue to do so. I dream about you at night, Katherine. Even after you were wrongfully banished, my mind kept coming back to you and my heart never left you.”

  “You don’t have to say that.”

  “It’s the truth,” Lord Garret said, his eyes bloodshot and weary. “I love you still, in this very moment. And to think that you will not return utterly destroys me.”

  “I do not wish to have that effect.”

  “I’m not saying that to sway you. You gave me an honest testimonial and now I am doing the same. I’m still madly in love with you, Katherine, and even if you don’t return with me to Bonhomie, I will continue to love you. Most likely to my dying day.”

  Yes, Katherine’s heart was still swelling with love for him, but what was done was done. He had his answer and Katherine was not turning back. What they had shared was brief and remarkable, but it could not continue. Like a beautiful flower, its petals fell and the stem wilted. The flower of their love could not last forever.

  “I must bid you adieu,” Katherine said, getting up from her chair.

  “Yes,” Lord Garret replied, dejected. He got up from where he knelt and stood in front of her, looking down upon her. Katherine looked up at him and it tortured her to see that expression upon his face.

  “Send my love to the children,” Katherine said, a tear falling down her cheek.

  “I wish that you would send your love to them, but I do understand,” Lord Garret replied.

  They stood in front of one another for some time and Katherine felt Lord Garret draw even closer. She closed her eyes, unsure how to handle such close proximity. She wished to be in his arms and make the past disappear.

  Katherine would not flee from his advance, but she would not fall into him either as he was bidding her to do. Her eyes closed, she felt Lord Garret’s gentle lips upon her forehead and his hand upon the side of her cheek. He lingered there for some time before pulling away.

  “I shall go,” he finally said softly, beginning to walk from the room. All that Katherine could do was remain there with her eyes closed until she heard the door close. If she were to open her eyes, she feared that she might rush after him and change her mind. She willed her legs to not move, and in the center of the parlor was where she remained until she was quite certain that Lord Garret was gone.

  In that moment, Katherine brought her hands to her face and truly allowed the tears to fall. Her legs collapsed and she found herself on the floor, resting upon her knees. It was the most difficult thing that Katherine had ever done in her life. Telling Lord Garret that she would not go with him had nearly torn her apart, just like when she had first left Bonhomie.

  “Katherine?” she heard her mother’s voice say. “Katherine!” She found that she could not speak. “Oh, my girl,” Sybil said, collapsing to her knees as well and taking her daughter in her arms. “There, there, now. All shall be well. There’s nothing to fear.”

  “He asked me to go back with him.”

  “And you refused?” Sybil asked.

  “Yes. It simply could not work. There was no way in which it could work.” Sybil rocked Katherine back and forth, petting her hair.

  “You have made the right decision,” Sybil assured her.

  “My reason dictated it,” Katherine said, “but oh, mum, I do love him so.”

  ***

  Returning to Bonhomie, Lord Garret felt dejected. He wished more than anything to have Katherine by his side during that return. He would have reached out to hold her hand and promise her what an exceptional life she was going to have back at the estate.

  But his dream did not become a reality, and now Lord Garret was returning to Bonhomie empty-handed. There was no room for anger, as Lord Garret didn’t feel an angry bone in his body. Bereavement was all that he felt. And he anticipated the sad expressions on the children’s faces when they learned the news.

  As his carriage pulled up in the roundabout, Lord Garret watched as nearly all of the servants and family came outdoors, eager to see if Lord Garret had company. They carried black umbrellas. When he was the first to step out of the carriage and no one followed him, he saw the dejection upon their faces. Lord Garret walked up to his brother first, a gentle rain falling on his head.

  “She will not come,” Lord Garret said plainly, his tone cold and businesslike. Were he to give true expression to his feelings, he feared that he might make a fool of himself.

  “Garret,” Lord Roland said, and embraced his brother for what felt like the first time in years.

  “It was to be expected,” Lord Garret replied.

  “But we still had hope,” the duke added.

  Next, Lord Garret looked down at the children. He could already see tears in Harry’s eyes and Constance looked no less distraught. “We tried, young ones.”

  “She didn’t want to come?” Harry asked. Lord Garret knelt down to meet the boy face-to-face.

  “She did want to come to see you. It was me whom she wanted to avoid.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself, uncle,” Harry replied.

  “I must be hard on myself,” he said, bringing a knuckle under the boy’s chin. “Let it serve as a lesson. Never take the ones that you care about for granted.”

  “I never will,” Harry replied with a nod of the head.

  “Come, let’s get out of the rain,” the duke said, ushering the family in.

  Once inside the estate, the hope that Lord Garret had momentarily felt had utterly vanished. When he had left to go to Katherine’s home, there was still a chance that she would return to walk through that entryway once more. Lord Garret thought it possible that he might walk down the hall once again and encounter her.

  He could peek into her classroom or spot her out in the garden. Even if she wasn’t able to forgive him or even speak to him, just seeing her from time-to-time would have been enough. But Lord Garret’s hopes were dashed; and it was all entirely his fault.

  “Everyone, get warm by the fire,” Prudence said, ushering the children into the sitting room.

  “Let’s have a chat,” the duke said to Lord Garret once the children were led away. Lord Garret followed his brother into the study and tried to hold his head high, but he found that it was quickly downcast towards the floor. “It was all that we could do,�
� the duke said.

  “I feel as though I could have done more.”

  “Brother, there was nothing more. That was the last attempt.”

  “I can never forgive myself for this. For any of this.”

  “Things have transpired the way that they were meant to. At least, that’s how I choose to look at the matter.”

  “Had I not been so pig-headed,” Lord Garret said, walking towards the window and watching as the rain fell, “things would have been different.”

  “We all have our faults, Garret. Sometimes, life teaches us in painful ways.”

  “This doesn’t feel like a lesson, Roland, it feels like a death.”

  “May I ask what she said?”

  Lord Garret turned to his brother, who was now seated behind his desk. “That I broke her heart, essentially.”

  “That was rather brave of her.”

  “Yes, she’s one of the bravest women I know. And the most beautiful.”

  “I’ve already looked into hiring another governess and there are three prospective ones. I should like you to meet them to help me make a decision.”

  “That sounds like the last thing in the world I should want to do.”

  “I know, Garret, but it’s necessary. The children have neglected their lessons for almost a month now. Having a new governess might take their minds off of things.”

  “Take their young minds off of the destruction that I caused,” Lord Garret said, shaking his head. “To think how my idiocy has affected you all.” The duke went silent and Lord Garret didn’t know what else to say. It was a low point like none that he had ever experienced before. Still, being in that parlor alone with Katherine, even though she was refusing him, had brought a momentary happiness that he had not felt in some time. Kneeling before her the way that he did; he thought that he should have put himself at the woman’s feet much sooner. He should have always been at her feet.

  “I’ll call in for tea,” the duke said.

  “Don’t bother,” Lord Garret said, walking towards the door. “I’m going for a ride.”

  “In this weather?” The duke asked in dismay.

  “Yes. I need to clear my head.”

  Careening across the countryside on his black horse, the fields were an emerald green that was so dark it was nearly grey. The sky overhead was also dark and tempestuous. Lord Garret could feel the rain pelting his face but would not stop. He knew not what direction he was going in; Lord Garret merely needed the freedom and exhilaration that could only come from being on his horse. He thought of Katherine endlessly; how he had driven away the only woman that he had ever loved. Was there anything left for him to do to bring her back again?

  Lord Garret kicked his heels into his horse, bidding him to go faster. At such a feverish clip, Lord Garret’s thoughts finally went blank.

  Chapter 24

  In the weeks that followed, Katherine was coming to grips with the decision that she had made. It was one of the most difficult moments of her life, having Lord Garret kneeling before her and refusing him. More than anything, she wished to return to Bonhomie, but considering all that had transpired, Katherine didn’t have the heart to step into that world again.

  Thoughts of the children constantly flooded her mind, as well as thoughts of Lord Garret. She had hoped that the one blissful night that they had shared might be a model for things to come, but sadly, it would be the only time that they could share such intimacy.

  In order to assuage the pain, Katherine reasoned to herself that perhaps there would be another love that would come into her life. Maybe, in the future, she could meet another man that sparked the same intensity of emotions that Lord Garret had sparked. At least, that’s what she hoped.

  Katherine also knew that she was changing. Every day that she looked in the mirror, her body was fuller and more womanly. She noticed that when Elizabeth and she walked into town, she received many admiring glances from men and this excited Katherine.

  Still, she did not see in any of those faces the same fire that Lord Garret instilled in her. Katherine would never forget the first time that she saw him in the garden, and how she knew instantly that Lord Garret was a man that infused her with heat and life. But all of that was in the past now. Katherine would have to find a way to move on.

  Spending time with her mother had become a joy for Katherine. Aside from baking bread, Sybil and Katherine would spend time in the drawing room, reading and telling old stories. Katherine was learning to sew and work on her sampler. These were all happy, relaxed pastimes that helped Katherine to keep her mind off Lord Garret.

  “I’m in frightful need of more lavender soap,” Sybil said one day.

  “Shall we go into town then?” Katherine asked.

  “In this terrible weather?” Sybil asked, looking out the window at the rain that continued to fall.

  “I enjoy walking in the rain,” Katherine said.

  “Well, we may undertake it, but you must go up to the attic to get the large umbrella.”

  “You’re afraid of getting your hair wet,” Katherine teased.

  “That’s precisely it,” Sybil replied.

  Katherine did as she was told, going up to the attic to procure the umbrella. Her mind flashed back to when she went up to the attic with Constance and was shown the locket. She could very well have asked Lord Garret for the locket when he came to her home, but Katherine thought that it was unimportant at the time. Also, the locket would merely be a reminder of the confusion that led to her banishment from Bonhomie. This was something that she wished to forget with haste.

  Coming back downstairs, Katherine could see that Sybil was ready to depart.

  “You seem rather anxious to leave, for one who was complaining just moments ago about the rain,” Katherine said.

  “When a woman needs lavender soap, she needs it now,” Sybil said.

  Stepping outside, the rain was still coming down gently but the air was quite pleasant. There was a wonderful crispness to it that felt fine on Katherine’s skin. Walking along, Katherine listened as her mother regaled her with the endless list of things that she was only now remembering she needed to buy.

  “Orange oil, black pepper, pink salt, peppermint tea.”

  “This sounds like a rather exotic list,” Katherine said.

  “You can find it all at the apothecary,” Sybil said with pride. “For everything that ails you, the apothecary has the solution.”

  Katherine had to wonder if the apothecary had a solution for a broken heart, for she constantly felt it ache inside of her like a wound. She never shared any of that with her family since that day when Lord Garret departed and Katherine was left in tears. She reasoned that, if she was ever going to move on, Katherine would not give breath to her emotions again. Still, the pain lingered.

  “Here we are, then,” Sybil said, looking up at the sign that read ‘Wainscot Apothecary and Sundry Goods.’

  “There is no one in town today,” Katherine observed.

  “We are the only ones that braved the weather,” Sybil replied, opening the door to the shop and stepping inside. From what Katherine could see, there was only one other woman in the shop, speaking to the gentleman behind the counter. The woman seemed distressed. As Sybil looked around the selection with great focus, Katherine tried to listen in on the woman’s conversation. It was only when she drew nearer that she saw that the woman was none other than Prudence, the De Bowes children’s maid.