Drowned History

by Rebecca Lovell

  “I know,” George said, thinking of the trenches and his first uniform. “My God, do I know.”

  “When he found out, he cornered me in my flat and shot me. Probably would have killed me too, if my landlord hadn’t heard the shot and come running.” Alice put a hand on her shoulder. “It didn’t go all the way through. They had to do surgery.”

  “That’s where the scar came from,” George said quietly. “I knew it looked like a bullet wound.”

  “I came to India to hide, the same way you did,” Alice said. “I thought that if I was someplace completely foreign I would be safe, and I was until Amesh got me involved in it again. That’s how I ended up in Surat and that’s how I met you.” She reached over and took George’s hand. “I never wanted to hurt you, George. I loved you then, and I still do. Can you ever forgive me?”

  Instead of answering, George kissed her.

  He wasn’t sure how they got back to her hotel room, only that it seemed vital to remember they’d locked the door. He undressed her as slowly as he could stand, and this time when her hair fell down around her neck he was able to let it run through his fingers like silk. Alice pulled him onto the bed and he joined her willingly.

  Alice's body welcomed him and for George it was like coming home. She was comforting somehow, familiar, and the soft warmth of her breath against the side of his neck made his arms tighten around her. There was pleasure; so much that he had to dig his fingers into her skin to keep himself from coming instantly, but it was the knowledge that the old feelings were still there that nearly sent him over the edge. He hadn’t known just how desperately he still wanted her until that moment and being inside her was the only thing he knew to be true.

  They moved together slowly, just as they had back then, fitting together perfectly over and over again as they kissed and held each other. Alice’s shuddering cry of satisfaction was a beautiful sound, one he thought he would never hear again and it was too much. A moment later he arched his back, driving so deeply inside her that she squealed in surprise and the release he'd held back felt incredible. The entire time he kept his eyes on her face, memorizing the curve and flush so he could keep it in his heart and use it to push back the terrible images that still assaulted him. She had been his life preserver so many times and never minded. He wanted to be selfish just a moment longer.

  “Have dinner with me,” he said when he finally regained his voice. Alice looked at him in disbelief.

  “What, now?”

  “When we get home,” George said, propping himself up on his elbow to look at her, “we can go somewhere special and talk about things. Get to know one another.” This made Alice laugh.

  “All right,” she said. “I would love to have dinner with you, Dr. Bennett.”

  “Wonderful.” He kissed her again, this time on the forehead, and laid back down. Alice curled against his body and within minutes she was asleep.

  Twenty-Five

  “I want a divorce.”

  The words slammed into George with the force of a giant wave and time seemed to stop. His fingers tightened around the handle of his medical bag and he stared at Sylvia blankly. They were standing in the living room of their comfortable home in New York, the dining room table piled with books instead of place settings, the way it usually was when Sylvia had work due.

  “What are you talking about?” George took off his hat and hung it on the rack, setting his bag down beside it. “Are you angry because I was at work late? There was a riding accident---”

  “There’s always a riding accident,” Sylvia said. “Or an automobile wreck, or someone that was stabbed. There are plenty of other doctors at Bellevue, why does it always have to be you?”

  “Because it does,” George snapped. “I’m a doctor, Sylvia. You knew that when you married me.”

  “Other doctors go home to their families every now and again,” Sylvia fired back. She never had been one to stay silent. “The ones that have families, anyhow.”

  “Let’s not go back to that again,” George said, not at all eager to start another fight about having children. Even if they both agreed on it, there was no way they would have time for a child. As busy as their lives had become over the years, they barely had time for one another and this was where it had gotten them.

  “Of course, you never want to talk about it. You’re always so conveniently on your way somewhere when I bring it up,” Sylvia said, rolling her eyes at him.

  “I don’t complain when you spend all night buried in your books,” George said angrily. “Whenever I am home it’s all you do.” Sylvia opened her mouth to reply, then held up her hands and shook her head.

  “I’m not getting into this with you again,” she said. “I’ve made up my mind and already had the papers drawn up. If you won’t sign them I’ll take it to a judge.”

  “That’s fine,” George said, grabbing his hat and bag again. “I’ll sign any damn thing you want.” He flung the door open so hard that it slammed into the wall behind it. “I’m going to sleep up at the hospital. God forbid I disturb your reading.”

  It wasn’t as vivid as his other dreams, so when George opened his eyes it took him a moment to remember he wasn’t in the doctors’ room at Bellevue but in a hotel room in India. Something warm and soft was on his arm and he sighed with relief when he saw Alice beside him. Then it hit him.

  I can’t do this, he thought. Not again.

  Sylvia had been the one to leave him. Sometimes he forgot this when his anger got the best of him. It was natural for a man to want to think he was the one who had ended things but she was the one who had filed the papers, he had only signed them and listened to her tell the judge that things were beyond saving.

  It was as much his fault as hers, maybe even more so. From the moment they met to the time he moved his things into an apartment by the hospital, he had kept her at arm’s length because he was afraid of losing her. It was almost laughable how it had backfired and George looked down at Alice, sleeping beside him. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, she was the reason he had behaved that way and destroyed his marriage. After she left he couldn’t trust anyone else with his heart. He had given too much of it to Alice and she had disappeared into nothingness without so much as a goodbye.

  She had explained everything to him, about all of it, but it didn’t change the fact that she had run away twice. Once to India, and once from India and him. Things might have been different for her now, but there was always the possibility that she would leave again and he didn’t think he could handle that again. Once before they had laid beside each other and she had told him she wouldn’t leave him, but she had. He had been the one to look for her, to worry, and to finally give up and go on with his life with something very close to despair.

  Everything that had taken place in the cave and temple was beginning to fade, as if he was walking down a tunnel away from it. It had been so easy to forget himself in the moment when all that was at stake was whether or not Alice lived or died, but with their ascent into reality, all the old fears and doubts rushed back in like water breaking through a dam.

  He had been telling the truth in that other world beneath the ground, he did love her. When he was with her, it was all he could do not to think about the future, or what it would like to build a life with her. Alice had a way of breaking through the walls he’d spent a lifetime building, and she also held the power to break him into a thousand pieces.

  He didn’t want to lose her again, like he’d lost Sylvia. Before either of them he had lost his family in Britain because of his nightmares, but he had been the one to leave. As hard as it had been to turn his back on them, he always knew he had done the right thing. If there was anything he’d learned from the mistakes he’d made in his life it was that the only sure way to keep himself from being hurt was to be the one who left first.

  George knew that Alice was unlikely to wake up after all she’d been through, especially since she was such a sound sleeper to begin with, but he
didn’t want to disturb her all the same. He gently pulled his arm out from under her and got out of bed, careful not to move the springs too much. He found his clothes on the floor where he’d tossed them a thousand years earlier and put them on slowly, gazing down at Alice as long as he could. He wanted to remember her sleeping face, the way her fingers were curled just slightly on the pillow, and the sweet shape of her naked body under the sheets.

  “Goodbye, Alice,” he said softly, then went back to his own room to collect his suitcase.

  As he stepped out into the street in the hopes of hiring a car, George hoped she would know that it wasn’t anger or revenge that had caused him to leave her. He looked up at the window that may or may not have been hers, then turned away and walked into the night before he could change his mind. With the amount of money he had in his wallet he’d surely be able to find someone to take him back to New York, where he could go about the business of trying to forget Alice’s eyes.

  Twenty-Six

  Even though he was ready to get out of India and back to New York, Phillip had to drag himself out of bed in the morning. The bed was comfortable and he was still stuffed with the strange spicy food they had been served, but more than that he had a terrible hangover.

  He’d thought he couldn’t possibly get any happier the night before when Alice had taken his hand and he’d led her out to dance. She’d felt good in his arms and had been smiling more than he’d seen her smile since they got there. For some reason he’d thought she would be a good dancer and he had been right. When they were dancing he had the brief hope that when they got back to the United States he would ask her to go out with him and maybe go dancing for real.

  Then, for no reason he could see, George had gotten up from the table and gone outside. At first he’d thought it wasn’t a big deal. Alice hadn’t noticed and he thought that maybe everything that had happened between them in the cavern had been nothing after all. Then the song had ended and she had glanced over to the table and saw that he was missing. Nadir had told her he went outside a few minutes earlier and she had followed, just like he’d known she would.

  When neither of them came back, he had started drinking. It didn’t take a genius to know that they had gone somewhere together, most likely back to the hotel. He had talked to Nadir for a little while but spent most of his time drinking. He didn’t know the name of the Indian liquor he was drinking, only that it was smooth and surprisingly strong. He didn’t know how he got back to the hotel but he woke up with his shoes on and a headache that he didn’t think would ever go away.

  “Good morning,” Nadir said, coming in from outside with his suitcase in hand. “How are you feeling? You were certainly putting away the liquor last night.”

  “I’ve felt better,” Phillip said, rubbing his temples. “You think they sell aspirin anywhere around here?” Something occurred to him and he looked around. “Is George down here already? I bet he has some in his medical bag.”

  “No,” Nadir said, looking uncomfortable. “We’re going to be short a passenger for the trip back. George left last night. From what I can gather from the front desk man, he said he’d be going back without us.”

  “Just like that? But there’s no way he could have gotten a flight last night,” Phillip said. “An overseas flight, especially one in the dark, would cost an enormous amount of money.”

  “If he wanted to fly back separately,” Nadir said, glancing over his shoulder at the door as if he expected George to come through it. “I’m sure he had his reasons.”

  “I guess so. But what about Alice?”

  “What about me?” Phillip turned to see Alice coming down the stairs, pulling her suitcase down one stair at a time. “I’m sorry I’m late,” Alice said, shaking her head. “I suppose I overslept a bit.”

  “That’s all right,” he said, then looked back at Nadir and hurried up to help her with her suitcase. Nadir smiled at her a little too widely and she looked at him expectantly.

  “There’s a car outside to take us to the airstrip,” he said. “Do you have all your things?”

  “Every last one. I’m looking forward to getting home,” Alice said with a smile. “I’m sure there’s a ridiculous amount of work waiting for me at the office.” She looked around. “Is George already down?” Nadir and Phillip shared a glance, neither quite knowing what to say but both knowing there was no way around it. Alice cocked her head slightly and turned from one to the other. “Is something the matter?”

  The flight back was quiet for the most part.

  Phillip could hear Nadir and Alice talking for a little while but couldn’t tell what they were saying and they didn’t talk for long. The aspirin Phillip got at the druggist before they took off helped immensely and the weather was clear so the flight was smooth and they made it to New York a full hour sooner than he expected.

  He had expected Alice to be more upset when they told her George wasn’t coming. Her voice had been cheerful enough when she said she would catch up with him once they were home, but Phillip could tell that she was upset by the way she toyed with the pendant around her neck. It was a pretty stone, though he couldn’t remember her wearing it when they arrived in India. She had been upbeat on the way to the airstrip but when they landed in New York she was much quieter.

  “Thank you again for all your help,” Nadir said. “I truly appreciate everything you’ve done for us. Even though we didn’t come back with the trishula I would say that it was a very successful trip.” Alice nodded.

  “I agree. There were some truly amazing things in that temple. I hope I’ll be able to write everything down quickly enough while I still remember it all. We may never be able to tell anyone about it but maybe my friend’s boys would like to read about it one day.” She touched her messenger bag lightly. “I’m so glad I brought more notebooks.” A car pulled up to the hangar and Nadir waved at the driver.

  “There’s my car,” Nadir said, picking his suitcase up again. “Yours should be here any time.”

  “If they’re anything like me, they’re going to be late,” Alice replied with a smile. Phillip put a hand on her shoulder and she turned to him. “Yes, Phillip?”

  “My car is here if you’d rather I drive you home instead. It’d save you the cab fare.”

  “Thank you,” Alice said kindly. “But they’re already on their way. Could you help me with my suitcase? I’ll get one end of it if you like, I know it’s not light.”

  “It’s no problem,” Phillip said. “I’ll grab it for you.” He went back into the plane and picked up her suitcase, which was every bit as heavy as it had been when she arrived. He remembered that she said it was full of books and smiled. Everything he found out about her only made him adore her more and hope flared in his chest. Maybe now that George had abandoned her she would be willing to forget about him. He was still inside the plane when he heard Nadir’s voice from outside.

  “It’s not that he doesn’t care for you,” he was saying to Alice. “I think the problem is that he cares too much.”

  “I’m afraid we’ll have to disagree on that one,” Alice said, her voice sad. “I can’t say I’m surprised. I had my chance and blew it a long time ago.”

  “I’ve known his ex-wife for years,” Nadir replied. “Sylvia always said he was cold and distant, so I was expecting a much different man when I met him. Now I get the feeling that he was trying not to get too attached.”

  “Maybe so,” Alice said, though Phillip got the impression she was agreeing just to end the conversation. He headed back down the stairs, eager to help her out of it. Not surprisingly, she looked tired when he reached her. “Goodbye, Nadir.”

  “Goodbye, Alice.” He set down his suitcase and gave Alice a brief hug. “I’ll be in touch with you soon about those translations,” Nadir said as he collected his case.

  “That would be lovely.” She watched him walk briskly to meet his driver and get into the car, then waved at him until it drove away.

  For the first
time since they’d met, Phillip was alone with her. Thousands of things he could say flew through his head but none of them seemed right, so he stood with her in awkward silence for a few minutes before Alice smiled at him. He was relieved to see that it wasn’t forced.

  “Thank you for all your help,” she said. “You’ve been absolutely wonderful this whole time, even though I’m sure it was quite strange for you.”

  “It’s fine,” Phillip said. “I’ve never really spent time out of the country so it was interesting. Of course it helps that I had such a great tour guide.” A car pulled up to the hangar and Alice looked down at her suitcase.

  “It would seem that’s my ride. It was so good to meet you, Phillip.” Alice leaned forward and hugged him gently. The warmth of her arms around him sent a panic through Phillip. He didn’t know if he would ever see her again so he pulled away and looked into her eyes.

  “He doesn’t love you,” he said. Alice gave him the saddest smile he’d ever seen.

  “I know that now,” she replied so softly Phillip could barely hear her over the engines of the planes on the airstrip. “I believe he did once, but not anymore.”

  “I could make you happy,” Phillip went on hurriedly as he saw the cab driver getting out of the car. “I could love you like you deserve to be loved, and you would never have to question it, even for a second.”

  “I’m sorry,” Alice said, her voice even softer. It was clear she didn’t want the driver to hear what she was saying. “You’re a wonderful young man and I think the world of you, but I don’t deserve someone like you.”

  Knowing he was losing her, and that it was in all likelihood going to be the last time he saw her, Phillip decided to follow his heart. He grabbed her arm and when she turned around he kissed her. He didn’t know if it would change anything, or even if she cared, but he at least wanted to know what it felt like before they never saw each other again. Alice didn’t push him away but when they parted there were tears in her eyes.