by Raven Scott
We meet about a block from both of our flats at a nice little café that serves one of the best potato soups in Edinburgh.
I see Parker as soon as I arrive, and she is looking at me with a smile, but something is up. I can just tell with her.
“Hiya, Park,” I say in a slightly high pitch voice. Whoa, Collins. Way to go!
“Collins, when were you going to tell me? I had to hear about it from Dalton. Like, I thought we were friends,” she says. I knew Dalton would tell his fiancé, and I don’t blame him at all.
“I was going to tell you after I told Cannon first,” I say.
“Why would you tell Cannon first? Like, seriously?” she replies back.
I have a feeling something is up with this conversation. “What are you talking about exactly, Parker?”
“Your tattoo, of course. What did you think I was talking about?” she says.
Fuck, I almost told her about everything that has been taking place in my life for the past three months. I plan on telling her everything after I confess everything to Cannon about how I feel when I am with him.
“Oh, yeah. Sometimes, I forget that I even got a tattoo. Rogen did a phenomenal job, and it’s perfect,” I say with pride towards my brother.
“That’s awesome, but you thought I was talking about something else… what?” she asks curiously.
What can I tell her without me giving myself away?
“I thought it was about the night I left your mom and dad’s house. Also, I am tremendously sorry that I left abruptly like that. Please, forgive me,” I say.
She takes hold of my hand and beams at me, “Of course, my friend. I have long ago forgiven you.”
The lunch goes as if we have known each other for ages instead of a few short months. I’ve come to learn that Parker is like the sunshine… she is always positive. I read somewhere long ago that if you meet people that feel like sunshine don’t let them go. Because sometimes… just sometimes, their light will shine on you.
We make plans to meet up with each other Friday night at Dalton’s club.
I head back to my flat to start supper for Rogen, Rain, and me. I have discovered that my roommate must be one of the nicest women I have ever met.
“Earth to Collins! What are you thinking about?” Rain says while standing in front of me.
“I am just overwhelming myself with worry that Cannon might not love me or he might laugh in my fucking face,” I say with honesty. It could go either way.
Rain puts her hands on my shoulders and looks directly into my eyes. “Collins, what if he doesn’t? What if he loves you and hasn’t realized it until you make the notion known? There are endless possibilities that could happen, but you can’t fucking live like this. Take life by the balls and take the fucking leap towards possible happiness,” she says earnestly.
“You’re right. I am fucking doing this!” I say still quivering with nerves, but with a newfound drive.
“Okay. Now, I am hungry… feed me, and then we will decide what you can wear to your love confessional,” she says winking at me.
I am on my way to confess my feelings for Cannon. I’m so happy Rain helped me pick the right outfit out. We both agreed on a black fitted top with a teal blue sweater jacket with jeans and black stiletto boots. I feel sexy for the first time, and I have tingles all over me knowing I look sexy as hell for him.
I walk into the bar and start my search for Cannon. I ask the bouncer if he knows where his boss is and he mentions the bar. So, I move that way in determination. But, I come to a halt when I spy Vive hanging all over him.
I was going to keep walking but they start to kiss. I just stand there not knowing what to do, but that’s when he like senses me. We make eye contact, and he can tell that I just witnessed everything. He gets up and starts towards me when a crowd of people gets in his way. I should get out here before he sees that I am crying. I don’t want him to know that he can affect me like this.
I turn around and haul ass out of there. I need to get as far as I can away from him.
I reach my door when I hear him running down the hall to get to me. I can’t face him.
“Collins, wait!!!” he yells. “Please, let me explain.”
It’s too late. I have already closed the door in his face and locked it. He continues to scream outside the door. I notice then that I’m crying and there is a room full of people staring back at me.
Parker, Dalton, Rogen, Rain, and a couple people I don’t know are there in the living room.
Immediately, Parker is the first to speak, “What is going on and why is my brother yelling outside the door like some idiot?”
I don’t know what to say other than run to my room, crying. Rain and Rogen follow quickly after me to check on.
“Leave me alone! I was so stupid to think he would want to be with someone like me. Rain, you gave fucking hope, and it crashed and burned,” I sob.
Rogen is sitting beside me now, hugging me up in the best brother hug possible.
Rain is the first to speak, “What happened?”
“I caught him all over Vive, and then he was kissing her,” I state.
“What the fuck? He thinks he can do this to my sister and get away with it, hell no!” Rogen bellows out in anger.
“It’s just not worth it anymore, Rogen. I think I need a couple of days away from here. I’m heading home for a week or so. I just need a break from it all. I want to regroup and come back with a better mentality,” I whisper.
“Collins, you don’t need to that. We could go somewhere else, love. Anywhere you want to go,” Rain says.
Honestly, I think I agree with her. I don’t want to go back to the other place that holds so much of my youthful pain. I can’t breathe because my heart feels so damn heavy. I have to stop thinking about everything so much. I am breaking my own heart more.
“Fine, but I don’t want Cannon knowing when or where we are going,” I state.
21
Escape
Rain and her friend Rowan will be joining me on my escape from heartbreak. We are heading to Ireland for a week, but our plane will not be lifting off until later tonight. So, I have been camped out in my flat not leaving. Cannon stops by multiple times, and my brother answers the door each time with a hard no and get the hell away from her speech.
He’s tried to text me a couple of times, but I delete them without reading them. There is no excuse for what he did. I completely understand that I love him and he doesn’t share those same feelings. I was a pain killer for him and nothing else. I help numb his pain, while I making mine worse. He left a voicemail that I haven’t the heart to listen to yet.
There is a knock at my door that brings me out of thoughts.
“Who is it?” I’m praying it’s not Parker. I haven’t been able to bring myself to face her just yet.
“It’s Dalton. May I come in?”
Wondering what he is doing here, I say, “Yes, you may.”
He comes in with a bottle of Jack, and a can coke.
“I come bearing gifts for my pretty friend,” he says with a grin.
“You didn’t have to do that, Dalton. But, thank you so much,” I reply.
“I wanted to check in on you myself to make sure you are okay with everything that has happened. Rogen told me bits and pieces of what happened that night. I am so sorry,” he states.
He has always been so nice to me and has been there for me since my minor breakdown at that restaurant.
“I am not going to lie to you and say that everything is peachy when that is not the case. My heart is fucking broken, and it’s all my fucking fault. I believed I was worthy of that all-consuming love with Cannon. When I should have realized that he already had that with Annabeth. I just thought maybe I was good enough or I was simply enough for him,” I sob.
Dalton looks at me with mix emotions. “Collins, how many times do I have to tell you that you are enough? I want you to admit to yourself on who made you hate yourself to where y
ou can barely look at yourself in the mirror without naming one bad thing about yourself. The one who made you stop seeing galaxies of hope and love in your fucking eyes. Who is that? Who did that to you? The sad part of all of this is, I don’t have to tell you who that person was… but I have to tell you who it is now— you,” he replies.
He is right. Tyler had moved on, and everyone has moved on except for me. I am the one who is abusing my own self now, not anyone else. I am the one who is preventing me from believing in me or the hope I should have for love.
“Dalton, you’re right. I am the one who is hurting myself over and over. Thank you for making me realize that. Parker is so lucky to have someone in her life like you,” I cry onto his shoulder.
“No, Collins. I am the lucky one. Parker has always been it for me. I love her with my entire being,” he states lovingly.
Dalton is one of the best men I have ever met, and his support and wisdom have saved me multiple times. I will never forget that. I only hope to find a fraction of the love with someone like the love Dalton shares with Parker.
“I want you to go to Ireland, have some fun, and then come back here… and make this life your bitch, sweetheart. Because I need you to be here for us when I propose to Parker on Christmas,” he continues.
“Oh my gosh, Dalton! Of course, I will be back by then… I would not miss it for the world,” I say hugging him with excitement and happiness.
But, deep down, I am still broken. My soul aches with so many mixed emotions… I am happy for my friends… but I am devastated over loving Cannon.
We made our flight just in time. Rowan is just as hilarious and fouled mouth as Rain. Both have had me rolling for days already. We ended up touring all over Dublin… eating at restaurants and going to different book stores all over the place. I haven’t felt this stress-free in a while, but my mind drifts back to Cannon briefly, and Rain keeps telling me, “To snap the “fuck” out of it, buttercup.”
“Are you still moaning and bitching over this man, Collins?” Rowan asks.
“Yes, because I still feel like things are unfinished. I just can’t bring myself to call him or anything yet,” I say.
Rain leaps up and rushes over to my phone, causing me to lose focus.
“Um, what are you doing, Rain?” I ask.
“I want you to man the fuck up, and call him. See why he did the shit he did, and either forgive and forget or forget him,” she bellows.
Rowan is the first to say anything after Rain’s little outburst, “Rain, I agree that she needs to deal with this, but she loves him… and she also found out that he was with someone else. You out of everyone should understand that.”
I was thankful for Rowan’s input and curious about her statement to Rain. Someone must have done a number on my roommate’s heart a time ago.
“Rowan, thank you. I just wish for once in my life I would be enough for someone… I really love him. I just wanted the same in turn, and all I was to him was a temporary numbness. My fucking parents haven’t ever even given a shit about me. When I moved here, the only time they even called me was to tell me that I was being a little too harsh on the subject of my ex-best friend marrying my ex-boyfriend,” I say crying.
Rain is immediately by my side with Rowan on the other.
“Collins, some people are not meant to give others the kind of love that we crave as human beings. Sometime, long ago, something fucked them up enough where they are damaged… too damaged to try to care for someone other than their selves. But, it’s their loss. You have us now… we love you,” Rain says.
It is difficult to swallow Rain’s words, but I know she is right.
“I am so thankful for you both,” I say honestly.
“Okay, fuck this shit. It’s our last night. Let’s go out to the pub down the street and fucking dance this sadness out of us,” Rowan suggests.
We dance the night away, and I feel like I’m finally letting some of the emotions that have built up over the past weeks go. But, I’m still in a lot of pain over Cannon. I’ve come to realize that I might not get the happily ever after, but I can be happy with my career and surrounding myself with my friends.
I’ve come to terms with that. But, I want to listen to the voicemail that Cannon left. I have decided to only listen to it when I have everything in place in my life, and when it doesn’t hurt so damn much.
22
Moving on
We had to get up early the next morning to catch our flight back to Scotland. I’m nervous about going back, but I’m so ready to see my brother. I am over the moon about helping Dalton set up for his proposal to Parker. Me and Rain have been discussing where he should come after he proposes so we can all celebrate with them.
My phone starts ringing right before we board, bringing me out of my thoughts. I see that it’s my brother, so I decide to answer it.
“Hi, bro. I can’t really talk right now. Can we talk when I get there?” I say.
“Collins…. something… has happ… they we… in.. accident,” Rogen says. The phone keeps breaking up, but it’s enough for me to formulate an assumption.
“Rogen, what did you say? You are breaking up,” I reply.
“Dalt… Can… in… accid… dead.” The phone cuts off.
My heart drops out of my chest. I can’t breathe, I can’t catch my breath. It’s like someone punched me in the gut. Who fucking died?
“Collins, what’s wrong?” Rain asks.
I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know if it was Cannon or Dalton that has… has… I can’t bring myself to even utter that into the universe.
“Rain, Cannon and Dalton have been in an accident. We have to get home now,” I say.
I can see the emotions cloud her face. I do the one thing I know how to do. I wrap my arms around her.
I don’t know what waits for us when we get there, but I pray to God they are both okay. Dalton has helped me through some of my most personal breakdowns to date… he is like another big brother. Then, there is Cannon who I am completely in love with, the one who will own my heart and soul forever. They just can’t be dead… I won’t accept that.
“It’s going to be okay. Let’s get back, and we can call them as soon as we land. Everything will be fine,” I say, but it sounds like I am trying to convince myself as well as her.
Rowan walks up and totally realizes something is wrong with us.
We quickly tell her what’s wrong and she is the one to get our butts in gear.
“Listen, we need to get on this plane… the faster we do, the faster we get home, okay? They are going to okay, and I won’t let either of you think any different,” she says.
We are the plane, and I am praying for a miracle.
Whispering to myself, “Please, God… let him be okay. I will let all of my feelings go and put everything aside and be his friend. Just don’t let him die.”
In tears, I remember the exact moment I fell in love with Cannon. I remember every time he made me feel beautiful and safe. I choke down the painful thoughts that go racing on and on in my head. I try to replace them with thoughts of hope. But, being as fucked up as I am… I think of the worse and prepare myself for it. Life has taught me that it’s not always pretty… it’s painful and ruthless. But, I don’t want another day to go by and him not be in my life even if I will watch him one day fall in love with someone other than Annabeth.
We touch down, and we are all immediately calling someone for an update. Rogen picks up right away…
“I am outside waiting on y’all,” he says quickly and hangs up.
Rain comes over and says, “I’ve been calling Dalton, and he is not picking up.”
“Neither is Parker,” Rowan adds.
“I got a hold of my brother. He is outside waiting on us with a cab,” I quickly add.
We grab our stuff and book it to the front of the building. I spot my brother leaning against the cab with his favorite beanie on. He looks up and sees us. He looks like he hasn�
��t slept in days.
He comes up and hugs me so tightly that I can’t get a breath in.
“I’ve fucking missed you, Collins,” he says.
Rain asks him, “What’s going on? Was anybody seriously hurt?”
“Let’s get you all to the hospital,” he answers.
He looks at me, and I know then the case is worse than I thought.
“Me and Collins will take this cab and you two in this one. I have already told the cabbies where to go,” he says.
We get in and pull off the curb. I can’t stand it any longer… I have to know who… who died.
“Collins, I need for you to take a deep breath in and out for me. Then I will tell you…” he says.
One in and one out.
“What happened, Rogen?” I ask bravely.
“Dalton and Cannon were headed to the airport… when a drunk driver ran into them… Collins, Dalton was found died on arrival. Cannon is in a medically induced coma, and its touch and go right now,” he says.
I let go of a big breath of relief… thanking God for sparing Cannon. But, I take a deep breath in, and it’s full of pain. Dalton can’t be dead… he was going to propose to Parker in a couple of weeks. He was going to have lunch with me Friday… he can’t be gone like that.
“How is Parker? Is she okay?” I ask Rogen.
“She hasn’t left the hospital in days, and she won’t speak to anyone,” he says.
I don’t know what to say… I just start to cry. Why? Why did this have to happen to Dalton? Dalton is one of the best guys I have ever met… I mean, he was.
Rogen is murmuring, “I got you, Collins.”
We arrive at the hospital, and I quickly ask Rogen, “Who is going to tell Rain? I don’t think I have the strength to do it, and if you said Parker is not talking then, who?”
“I will tell her,” he states.
