by Raven Scott
“Collins, why are you crying? Will any of you tell me what the fuck is going on!” she screams.
Rogen pulls her into a hug and tells her the same he told me. She is completely in a state of denial. She says it can’t be true, but it is. The world yanked away from a great man for what?
We all start into the hospital and Rogen takes us into Cannon’s room.
He is lying there in what looks like a peaceful sleep. All I want to do is run to him and just hold him in my arms and never let go.
I walk over to him and just stare. He has a hypnotic beauty that draws you in and never lets you go. I touch his face. I am standing there waiting on him to wake up and say something… anything. But, he just lies there, breathing in and out.
Parker is on the other side of him. She is watching me with an emotionless face. This is the first time I’ve seen her since the apartment where everything went down with Cannon.
I don’t know exactly what to say. “I am so sorry, Parker.”
“I should have known you both were in a relationship with each other. The thing is when you were mad or upset; he would be mad or upset. But, I honestly haven’t seen him so happy in a long time. When he lost Annabeth, he closed his self from everyone. He started drinking and being emotionally detached from his family. But, when you arrived, I started to see my old brother back… the one I thought I would never see again. So, thank you for that. I know for a fact that my brother loves you. Because he wouldn’t be this changed if this was nothing,” she says quietly.
I can’t seem to think of anything to reply to her with. I’m so lost in where I’m at with the whole Cannon thing, and then there is the fact that Dalton is really gone. That I will never see my friend again. But, she will never see the love of her life again. That… that is what’s so unfair.
“Really, Parker? Do you really think so? Because my whole life to someone I have never been enough… not skinny enough…not smart enough… not good enough. I am so damn tired of all the pain. I don’t think I can take another hit, especially from your brother. He will shatter me, Parker. But, for now, let’s put me and Cannon on the back burner. How are you?” I ask.
She runs to me and bursts out in tears. Then, Rain and Rowen come in and do the same. We are all sobbing together.
Parker is the one to say something first, “I just want him fucking back. Why? Why did that driver have to hit them…? He is… was the love of my fucking life and that driver stole him from me. We had just really started to talk about our future and the kid talk. We were planning our forever… now that will never happen.”
We all sob a little harder, until Rain says with a hiccup in her voice, “I have no one left in my family. I am fucking alone. Dalton promised me when I was little that he would never leave me… I know that everyone dies eventually, but I thought I had more time with him. He has been the only one besides Rowan to be a constant for me in my life. I have lost that one consistent thing in my life. It hurts so fucking much.”
Rowan whips her around to face us all and says, “You are not alone, Rain. We are a family… a fucked-up family. But, we love you, and we are here for you.”
Me and Parker nod in unison.
“I hadn’t known Dalton as long as you all have, but in just a short time he had become like an older brother to me. He had helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. He treated me like family from the start, and I will never forget his kindness and love he had for people,” I declare. I will never forget that he is the one who saved me from some of my pain.
Dalton is gone, and he will never be here for any of us anymore. It’s one of the toughest pills we will ever have to swallow.
23
Fears
We all ended up staying the night in the hospital with Parker. The five of us cried for a couple of more hours until the tears dried up and we grew tired. Dalton left us with a big gaping hole in our hearts. I don’t know how we will ever fix it. I know Parker is still in some kind of shock, but I won’t worry about it until we can get Cannon awake and feeling better. Then, we will deal with the funeral arrangements and her mental well-being.
I was the first to wake up and realized that Rogen wasn’t in the room. Then, the door opens, and he brings in coffee and breakfast. I’m so exhausted with the lack of sleep and grief, I welcome the hot cup of joe.
The Heldings’ arrive a couple of hours later, and we decide to give them some family time.
I have a million questions spinning in my head ever since last night, but one is bigger than the rest. I want to know why the men were heading to the airport. What was their reason? Had they planned on going on vacation or were they coming to see us? I need to know, so I turn to big brother hoping he will shed some light on the whole situation.
“Rogen, why were they headed to the airport?” I ask.
My brother looks at me like he is unsure how to go about answering my question, “Sis, Dalton was driving Cannon to the airport for him to go to you. For him to explain everything to you. He wants you back. That’s what they were doing. Dalton and me finally thought he was worthy enough for you.”
What? This is crazy.
“What do you mean “explain” everything to me? Why did you tell him where I was? I thought you wanted to deck him? What the hell happened when I was gone?” I angrily ask him.
“A lot, actually. It’s probably better if I start from the beginning…” he replies.
a week earlier…
Rogen
I still can’t fucking believe that dickhead I called my friend broke my sister’s heart. She thinks I don’t take the time to notice that she has been going through a lot of emotional pain. I have always noticed. I’m the one who protected her from our parents’ sometimes volatile attitudes. But, I totally lacked on the love side of her life…. I messed up with Tyler. But, I will have my revenge on Cannon Helding…
I was supposed to be her big brother, her supporter, and her protector. I was too wrapped up in my own shit to realize that something or someone was seriously hurting her. When I found out her ex-boyfriend was mentally abusing her, I nearly killed him, but that wouldn’t solve shit. So, I’m the one who left the application and stuff for Scotland on her desk. She’s wanted to live here, so I gave her the first step. But, I didn’t think her heart would get even more shattered here.
All I want to do is fucking kill Cannon Helding, but I promised her I’d let it go, and I will do anything for my sister.
Dalton texted me earlier that he needs to speak to me today, so he set up a lunch reservation at some fancy-ass restaurant that I can’t even pronounce the damn name to. I don’t even think this is his scene, but walking in, now I know why he wanted to meet here.
Cannon is sitting there with Dalton. It is taking every bit of me not to go over there and kill him.
“What the fuck is he doing here, Dalton?” I spew at him.
“Calm down, Rogen. Let him explain. You don’t know the entire story,” he says which pisses me off a fuck ton more.
“You think my sister is a liar? She fucking saw you kissing that other girl. You know why she was there, right? She was there to tell you that she fucking loved your dumbass. But, instead, you broke her damn heart,” I yell. I am barely hanging on to my anger and my need to bash his fucking skull in.
“Rogen, I am so sorry that I hurt your sister. It was never my intention to do that. I love your sister with my every breath. She is the one who made me realize that I am tired of numbing my pain with meaningless sex. I want to make a life with her… a family with her… I just fucking want her. She is the only person that stays when everyone else leaves.
“I know I fucked up badly. That night… that night was the anniversary of my old girlfriend’s death. I wanted to talk to Collins, but she wasn’t answering the phone. So, I grabbed a bottle and started drinking. I realized that I didn’t want to numb the damn pain anymore… I didn’t have any more pain left to numb. Collins, she healed me. She is the one who got me ba
ck breathing without pain. I was a coward not to tell her sooner how I felt. Vive knew that I wanted Collins… she also saw Collins come in the bar before I did. She fucking forced herself on me, and I pushed her away, but it was too late.
“I saw Collins, and I knew she saw everything. I saw the pain on her face, and I was the one who fucking caused it. I will never forget that, and I am willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to her. Just, please, tell me where she went? Let me go get my girl back,” he openly states. He made his heart and soul bare to us, and I know this is the man for my sister.
“If I tell you… it doesn’t mean my sister will take you back. She has been hurt too fucking much in her life. It has scarred her mind and soul beyond recognition,” I say or better yet warn. I know my sister will not be easily apologetic, not because she is pissed… but she has been told over and over that she is not enough. But, he might be the one to heal her, and what kind of brother will I be to stand in the way of this soulmate shit?
“It will most likely be the fight of your life. Are you sure that my sister is it for you? I can’t or better yet… won’t let you hurt her anymore. So, what is it?” I continue.
“She is it for me. I will love her until my dying breath, and even then, I will love her beyond that. She is my forever,” he says with intense eyes.
I look to Dalton who has been quiet this whole time and ask, “You’ve known him a lot longer than me, do you believe him?”
He looks to Cannon and then to me, and replies, “I have never seen him this much in love with anyone, ever. Even when Annabeth was alive… they didn’t have that all-consuming love that I see he shares with Collins.”
I trust Dalton because he loves my sister like I do. He has been there for her when I couldn’t.
“They are in Ireland for the next few days. Dalton knows the hotel information. Remember, if you even fucking make my sister shed one tear, that’s it for you. I will personally beat the living shit out of you. Collins will not be able to stop me. Got it?” I say.
“I will never make her cry again,” he answers.
Dalton chimes in, “I will also beat the living shite out of you if you break her heart. Your sister, as you know, will fucking end you herself.”
We all seemed to reach an odd agreement with everything. So, we eat lunch and then depart with Dalton and Cannon heading to the airport, and me back to work.
I hope my sister will finally accept her happily ever after because she is fucking lucky to have one. Some us, we don’t get that chance in life… some are just too fucked up. Myself, included.
present day…
I find myself in complete denial that Cannon would have said all of that. No, my brother wouldn’t lie, but I won’t let myself believe or think that it is reality. There is too much shit that has happened since then. I don’t know what to say to my brother.
“Rogen, too much stuff has happened and changed since then. I won’t delude myself to think that nothing has changed,” I say.
“Not this again, Collins. That man, the man you fucking love, is fighting for his life, because he couldn’t stand one more moment apart from you. I am tired of you thinking that you are not good enough. You are not what Tyler said you are. You are the most beautiful person I know. You are always there for your friends, but you are never there for yourself.
“Why do you think you can’t let someone love you? I know why you are fucking scared, because you will finally have someone there solely for you, someone who will love every flaw and perfection about you, and it fucking terrifies you. Don’t be scared, Collins. Embrace the love that you deserve,” he retorts.
I don’t know what to say, because I know that everything he just said is true. I honestly don’t know what will happen when Cannon wakes up, but I do know that I hope like hell it’s not too late for us. I need him to fight for me.
Rain comes barreling down the corridor of the hospital yelling, “Collins, he is awake!”
24
Scared
I am running towards Cannon’s hospital room to only come to a halt in front of it. What the hell will happen? Will he blame me for Dalton’s death or will he exclaim his love for me? The unknown scares the hell out of me, and I don’t if I am strong enough for another rejection.
Rowan comes out of the room at the exact moment I’m about to leave.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going? He is asking for you. Wait a fucking minute, were you about to leave? Why?” she asks.
“Yes, I was about to leave. I am scared of what he might say. What if he blames me or what if he realizes that…” I can’t finish that sentence.
Rowan looks at me with a knowing look. “He realizes that he just wants to see the love of his life or that he might blame you for this whole predicament that he is in? Because I think it’s the first reason. I get that you are scared, but man the fuck up. Half the people in the world want to have the chance you have right now. To have the chance for somebody to love them and to have that same love in return.
“So, I am sorry that you are scared, but, at least you have the chance to have that love. Because I can think of one person that would do anything in this fucking world right now to say those very words to the love of her life. So, you are going in that room, and you are going to lay this to rest once and for all.”
I’m stunned by her brutal honesty, but it makes me realize that she is completely right. At least I have the chance to come face to face with Cannon and tell him how I feel.
“You are right, Rowan,” I say.
I take a deep breath and open the door.
I walk into the room, and I take in who all is in here with him.
His parents are seated to his right and Parker to his left. Rain and Rogen are standing at the foot of the bed. I can’t see him completely, and I am nervous as hell for him to see me.
Parker makes eye contact with me and leans down to whisper in Cannon’s ear. Then, I hear his voice for the first time since the fight.
“Love, why are standing over there?” he says dryly.
Everyone parts away from the bed for my first real look at him. Even being in the hospital, he must be one of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen. Not because of his looks… but the beauty of his soul. He is a fighter, and I have never realized until this very moment how much love I have for him. I would do anything in the world for this man… screw being scared.
If the last couple of days haven’t been a lesson to us all that we are not promised tomorrow… in this life we are only promised two things— we have one life, so make it a damn good one… and we will die someday, so live in the now. At this very moment, I choose love…blinding… all-consuming… passionate… love with every breath, and whole being kind of love. The type of love I have for this man that I almost lost forever.
I don’t know why I am even crying until I find myself coming straight over to him and laying my head on his chest, wanting to make sure he is real, that his heart is indeed beating.
“It’s okay, love. I am fine… I promise,” he states.
He asks if he can have some time alone with me. For the longest time, all we do is lie there in each other’s embrace. He slides his hand up and down my arm like he is trying to soothe me.
He is the one to speak first, “Collins, I was headed to the airport for a reason… I was coming to win you back. I realized that I have loved you since the day I helped you move into your flat. I saw the passion for your books in your eyes and face . . . I caught myself wondering if I could bring you as much passion as they do.”
The man I love is saying everything I have ever wanted to hear from him. But part of me wants to know why this man loves me so much when he could have anyone, but he chooses me.
“Seriously? Cannon, why do you love me so fucking much out of everyone that you could have?” I say to him.
“Because you’re the only one that stays when everything and everyone is gone,” he says with a stare that holds all the truth and pas
sion of his testimony to me.
I am overcome with so much emotion… this beautiful man loves me.
He grabs my face with both his hands and gives me the sweetest, most passionate kiss I have ever had. He is conveying all his love and passion into this kiss for me to realize that there will never be anyone else.
I lean back and cradle his precious face in my hands. I hold one of the most important people in my life in my hands, and it’s hard for me to accept that he loves me. The me that I thought would never have someone who would love me like he does.
“I love you.” I hesitate for a moment before I continue. “I started falling in love with you the day you came barreling into my apartment thinking Jenson was there… that night was the first night we were really connected in every sense. I fell in love with you more the day I found out about Annabeth…” I paused considering his teary eyes. “The night you made love to me all night and then held me for the longest time, I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life in your arms. I feared what I felt for you… I feared how you felt for me… I feared to let myself believe that we could ever be. But someone once told me in a way that I was beautiful, and I deserved to be loved. So here I am, declaring that I love you, Cannon Helding,” I say as I lean into him.
“You don’t know how good that is to hear after I thought I lost you forever,” he states.
We lie there for what seems like forever when Parker and Rogen come back in. I’m about to get back up, but Cannon doesn’t let me go.
Parker is the first to speak, “You don’t know how good it feels to see you finally happy, Can. I just wish Dalton was here to see you…” she breaks down into a sob.
Before I can get to her, Rogen grabs her and starts comforting her. I see the tenderness and the hurt he feels for her. Cannon strokes my arm trying to comfort me, and making up for the lost time.
Rogen is whispering to Parker, “I got you. I got you. It’s going to be okay. I got you, P.”
