Craving Mr. Kinky

by A. m Madden

  “And you won’t come with me? Even knowing you love me and I love you, you’ll throw that away?”

  “You’ve lived that lifestyle, place to place, hotel to hotel… the farthest I’ve gone was Connecticut to New York. And it took a lifetime to get here. Living in the city, doing what I love to do, away from all pretentiousness I grew up with, is my dream. Not only that, I saw marriage and kids in that scenario.”

  “I want that too.”

  “When? Five years from now? Until another phenomenal opportunity arises, as we both know it could. You’re crazy talented, Dante, and this could be the beginning of years and years of opportunities for you.”

  We stared at each other, each choking on our reality, feeling the weight of our situation stealing our breath… stealing the ability to speak. When long moments passed, I shook my head with a sigh. “So you think we should break up?”

  “I don’t know.”

  The tears that welled in her eyes may as well have been tiny daggers to my heart. Those I wiped away felt like acid on the pads of my thumbs. It took every ounce of willpower not to scream, “You’re coming with me,” knowing how selfish that request was.

  “Dante, I need time,” she finally said. “A few hours ago we were in a happy relationship, and now we’re sitting on your sofa discussing ending it. All I want right now is to crawl into bed and have you hold me all night.”

  “I want that too.” I stood, offering her my hand. I wanted to say I’d hold her forever, if she’d let me. How hypocritical, because that also meant I wanted her to give up everything for me.

  Cassie

  I knew he hadn’t slept much, because I also lay awake most of the night. Every so often, his lips would find my shoulder, and his arms would tighten around my waist. My own hands seemed glued to his arms, refusing to put an inch of space between us. We weren’t naked… it wasn’t sexual… it was committing every second of every minute we had left to memory.

  Most of the night I tried to envision our lives if I decided to go. Of course, never having lived that way, I couldn’t fathom what day-to-day life would be like. For someone like me, the unknown, the lack of structure, could cause more stress than happiness. Wouldn’t that be the same as Dante giving up his opportunity to stay with me?

  When you loved someone, you sacrificed. I got that, even never having been in love. That was the other problem. Who did the sacrificing?

  Shit, I felt awful thinking that way. I did love him. The thought of living without him scared me to death. That alone should’ve had me packing a bag tonight. Yet the possibility of coming back in a few months, a year, because his feelings for me changed, or mine for him, scared me far worse.

  Never have I been consumed with so much confusion. Even when my parents were on my ass over my decision to become a teacher, to remain in the city, were no-brainers as far as I was concerned.

  I truly didn’t know what to do. And once he left in two weeks, it terrified me imagining him halfway across the world without me.

  His body shifted, and his grip around me tightened. “You awake?”

  “Yes.” I slowly spun in his arms to face him. Our eyes locked, and I couldn’t pull mine away from his. “It really isn’t fair, you know.” I brushed a lock of hair off his forehead. “Waking up looking as sexy as you do.”

  He managed a weak smile before he suddenly buried his hand in my hair, pulling me to him. When his lips landed on mine, that same zing I felt when he’d done it the first time was still there. All my life I have searched for that, for the zing that so many described and were fortunate enough to find. Here I’d found it, and now I was possibly letting it go.

  Would a long-distance relationship work? Would my feelings for him change if I didn’t have him with me every day? Would he feel the same and decide the loneliness wasn’t worth it? And how long would that take? A month? A year? The entire time he was gone?

  “Come with me, Cassandra. Please.” Hope flickered in the depths of his brown eyes. “I know you need time, but I’m not giving up on us.”

  I couldn’t bring myself to say, I can’t. So like the coward I was, I completely skirted the issue. “Are you hungry? I can make us breakfast.”

  He let out a breath, knowing why I needed to change the subject. “Sure, is it okay if I shower first?”

  “Take your time,” I replied, knowing why he needed that alone time away from me.

  Slipping on the shirt he wore last night to Dispatch, I inhaled his scent deep into my lungs as I walked out of his bedroom. The first thing I saw was my face on his wall. That picture didn’t win him awards. The only explanation for me to be covering half his living room was his feelings for me. It confirmed he loved me, all while feeling like a knife to my heart.

  As Dante showered and I fried bacon, my phone buzzed on the counter. Glancing down, I saw a message from Brae.

  Where are you? We’re at brunch.

  Oh my God, I completely forgot about meeting them.

  I’m sorry. Not going to make it. I’m at Dante’s.

  Is everything okay?

  No, it isn’t. I’ll fill you in later.

  Okay. Love you, Cass.

  Love you too. And congrats again. You’re going to be a great mom.

  Thank you. So will you one day.

  And there it was. I stared at my phone, paying no attention to the burning bacon. Dante reached around me, shut off the burner, and moved the pan off the heat. His arms circled me while he kissed the back of my head. “Trying to torch the place?”

  “Sorry. Brae texted because I forgot about our brunch date.”

  “Do you want to go meet them?”

  “No. But I think I should leave.” I twisted in his hold, meeting him face-to-face. “Dante, standing in your apartment, acting as though nothing has changed, or will change, is killing me.”

  The tension in his hold went limp. “So you’ve made up your mind?”

  “Dante,” I said softly, holding his face. “You and I live in the real world. And as exciting as traveling the planet with you sounds, it’s not something I can just jump into and do. Overthinking is my norm, sensibility is my middle name, and throwing caution to the wind is not in my DNA.” The fight in him disappeared. How could he argue with my declaration?

  “You have no idea how much I’ll miss you. But, Cassandra, my offer for you to join me will never expire.”

  “I can’t.” I whispered the two words I couldn’t say earlier. “I’m going to miss you too. Please don’t think I won’t. But for the next two weeks, we’ll be on a perpetual merry-go-round, one we can’t get off. You go up, I go down, and we’ll keep spinning in the same circle.” I stared deep into his eyes, mine filling with tears. “The thought of you not being here in two weeks is too much for me to handle. I thought I was strong enough to power through and use this time we had left together to create memories, but all it’s going to do is cause agony. I’m so sorry, Dante.” The tears that threatened seeped from the corners of my eyes. “I feel like we’re avoiding the inevitable.”

  Dante closed his eyes, pain etching the features of his gorgeous face. “I understand.”

  I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him as close as I could, needing to feel every inch of him against every inch of me. His long, lean body felt boneless as he buried his face in my neck. The dampness against my shoulder, and knowing where it came from, did me in. I pushed away, and Dante’s red-rimmed eyes said all we wouldn’t.

  That was it.

  We were over.

  Chapter 24

  Dante

  I opened the door to my brother, Sabrina, and her son, Mikey. “You’re late. What, did you hit traffic between your floor and mine?”

  “No. We had an artwork emergency,” Sabrina said before kissing my cheek.

  I moved aside to let them pass, Luca’s gaze holding mine as he did.

  “Thith ith for you, Uncle Dante,” Mikey said, extending a folder, his toothless smile responsible for his lisp.

>   I held back my chuckle and smiled. “Oh, thanks, buddy.” Inside was a crayon drawing of what I guessed was Luca, Mikey, and me playing soccer. And off to the side was Mikey’s rendition of his mother smiling. “I love it, dude. Great picture.”

  “Well, we didn’t get to play thoccer yet. Luca thaid we’ll play when I vithit Italy. Thith ith for you to remember when I come there thomeday.” Luca and I lost our battle to suppress a laugh at the same time, earning a scolding glare from Sabrina.

  I bent down to put us at eye level. “Great idea. I can’t wait to show you I’m better than Luca.”

  “Me too.”

  “Sweetie, why don’t you go play with your cars so the grown-ups can talk.”

  “Okay.” He scurried toward my living room, falling to his knees and dumping out the contents of his backpack.

  “How do you not laugh all the time? That is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  Luca chuckled all over again. “It’s very new. He lost the first one and then the second front tooth over the weekend. Cost me forty bucks.”

  “What? When did the tooth fairy hit the lottery?”

  “That’s his own fault,” Sabrina said with an exasperated sigh. “I said two bucks was plenty per tooth.” A pregnant pause reminded us of the real reason for their visit, dread hanging around us like a thick fog.

  “So why tomorrow?” Luca asked, finally getting to the point.

  “Why not?” I led them into my kitchen. “Wine?”

  “Sure,” he said as Sabrina said, “Thank you.”

  Sabrina sat at my island, accepting the glass of cabernet I offered as Luca stood behind her. His hands began rubbing her shoulders, almost absentmindedly. “Dante, what happened to you not leaving for two weeks?”

  I passed my brother his glass before shrugging. “That was for Cassie.” Neither bothered to hide their confusion, prompting me to explain. “They wanted me immediately. The idiot in me assumed she’d be coming with me, and two weeks would be enough for her to notify work and pack up. We all know that’s not happening, so why bother prolonging the inevitable?”

  “Dante, I don’t know what to say.”

  “I know, Luca. Believe me, nothing you could say would change things. I thought I could have her and my dream job, and that wasn’t fair to assume.” Hating the pity I saw in Luca’s eyes, I averted my gaze into my glass instead. Like the solution to all my problems would reveal itself in the deep burgundy liquid, but it didn’t.

  “It just seems…” He stopped and looked at Sabrina. “I’d never seen either of you as happy as you’ve been these past months.”

  “Isn’t there a way you guys can make it work long distance? A few years will go by fast,” Sabrina offered hopefully.

  “Could you live without Luca for a few years?” My question instantly caused her to backtrack with a slow swing of her head from side to side. “Right. And having her give everything up wasn’t any more practical. We both knew it had to end.” That actuality was what prompted my decision to book the first flight I could get to Milan. “Look, it didn’t matter if I left tomorrow or in two weeks. She’s not coming, it’s over, and being here longer than necessary is not helping the situation.”

  No matter how many times I told myself this was the right thing to do, the finality of it still hurt. Waking to her picture on my wall, her scent on my sheets, and the memories of the time we spent together made each moment I stayed harder than the last.

  “Have you spoken to her?” Sabrina asked, the same sadness in her expression as her boyfriend’s.

  “Yes. We spoke about an hour ago.”

  “So she knows you’re leaving tomorrow?” The crushing reminder of our second goodbye practically stole my breath.

  “She does.” I took a few steps back to lean on the counter across from them. “Yesterday was torture, for both of us. It’s better this way.” The look of anguish on Cassie’s face after she decided to leave still haunted me. The crushing pain I felt in my chest still stole my breath.

  “Well, we’ll see you next month,” Luca offered as a consolation.

  “What are you talking about?”

  They exchanged a loving glance before focusing on me. “Mikey doesn’t know yet,” he said just above a whisper. “I surprised Sabrina with a Christmas trip to Milan.”

  “He also surprised me with his plan to get married. My parents and brother will be joining us.”

  “That’s fantastic,” I said too loudly, and then offered a whispered apology. “Congratulations. Ma and Pop will be over the moon.”

  “Yeah, please don’t tell them. Like Mikey, we weren’t planning to until like a day or two before. They’re no better than a six-year-old.”

  “Ma is going to kill you.”

  “She’ll get over it. Also, the gang doesn’t know. We didn’t want to screw around with everyone’s holiday so last minute.”

  “Last minute is an understatement. How did you pull this off?”

  “It wasn’t easy.” Luca shook his head, but the grin he sported canceled the frustration. “I’m handling everything on my end, Sabrina will have her dress, and I confided in Gianna, who is helping as much as possible. We have it covered. Except for one thing.”

  “Rings?”

  “Nope. I need a best man.”

  “You do, huh? Good thing I’ll be in Milan. Convenient and all. You’re welcome.”

  He grinned while flipping me the finger. “If I had another brother…”

  “Screw you.” Luca laughed at me as I joined in. “And your maid of honor?” I asked my future sister-in-law.

  Once again, she exchanged a glance with Luca. “I was going to ask Cassie, but now my mom’s going to do it.”

  Things keep getting better and better. “I look forward to meeting your family and standing up for you,” I said, pushing aside my fucking sorrow.

  “What time is your flight tomorrow? I can take you.”

  “Seven, I think. Thanks, but I’d rather cab it.”

  Luca nodded. “I get it.”

  I walked to my desk and grabbed the sealed envelope with Cassandra printed on the front. Walking back into the kitchen, I handed it to Luca. “Do me a favor and give this to her.” As I packed my camera equipment and extra flash drives, the disc I made for Cassie containing all the pictures I’d taken of her sat in my drawer. The plan was to look at them together one day, but since that was no longer possible, I wrote a quick note, stuck it in an envelope along with the disc, and sealed it.

  “You know, you have time to give it to her yourself.” Luca stared back at me before accepting the manila package. When I didn’t respond, he assured me she would receive it. “Look, I know I said over and over I was Switzerland, but if you need my help, I’m here for you.”

  “Thanks. But there’s really nothing you can do.”

  “Okay. Even though I’ll be seeing you soon, I’m going to miss you. Having you here has been great. It’s been a long time since we’ve lived in the same city, let alone the same building.”

  Luca stood, and I wrapped my arms around him. “I’ll miss you too, little brother.”

  Sabrina dabbed her eyes with a napkin. “This is awful. I hate goodbyes.”

  My brother dropped me like a hot potato and replaced me with Sabrina. I envied everything about their relationship. Leave it to me to find a woman I could have that with, only to lose her. What I thought had been love with Charlene didn’t hold a candle to the feelings I had for Cassie. She mentioned the irony of it all and she was right. The only difference was, back then my heart had been broken… yesterday my heart shattered.

  Cassie

  If my cab driver didn’t step on it, I would miss him. “Sir, can you please hurry? I need to get to JFK.”

  “Lady, I’m not Moses who can part traffic like the Red Sea. I’m going as fast as I can.”

  Resigned, I slammed my back into the seat. Thinking of every movie I’ve seen, I offered, “There’s an extra fifty in it for you if you get me ther
e faster.”

  “Lady. That won’t cover the ticket I’d get. Make it three hundred and you have a deal.”

  “Never mind, just do your best.”

  My ribs acted like a cage for my pounding heart. I was sure one would crack at any moment. But when I saw the sign for our exit, the thumping worsened. The grip I had on my credit card practically caused it to melt. No sooner did the cab come to a stop than I quickly scanned my card in the reader, gave a nice tip, and hustled out.

  Running in the terminal, I needed to find the right ticket counter, since I wouldn’t be able to get past security. The only hope I had to see him was to position my body between the kiosks for his airline and the ticket agents. Like pinballs, my eyes bounced from door to door as I waited for him to walk through one of them.

  I glanced at my phone, knowing time wasn’t on my side. Maybe I should have texted him, or even called him, but all I could think was that he wouldn’t want to see me. No, I told myself. This was better.

  I faced door number one, thinking that would be where he would enter. The more time that passed, the more I thought I’d missed him.

  “Cassandra?” That voice I longed to hear rumbled behind me.

  I jumped before spinning around to see Dante, sexy as ever, wearing the black leather jacket I loved. God, how I missed him already. “Hi.”

  “What are you doing here?” He glanced down, looking for my luggage.

  “I needed to see you one last time.” The corners of his mouth turned down, making me think this wasn’t the best idea. “Saying goodbye over the phone didn’t seem like enough.”

  He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. I was definitely screwing this up. “Cassandra, it was hard enough on Sunday and then again on the phone last night. You wanted me to come to terms with your decision, but this isn’t helping, because I haven’t.”