Miss Mary Is Scary!

by Dan Gutman

  “I’m not kidding you!” said Zack, jumping up and down with her.

  “You’re joking!”

  “I’m not joking!”

  They went back and forth like that for a while. But finally, Zack convinced Miss Mary that it was true. Fish Food would be flying to New York to perform “I Love Dirt” on Saturday Night Live.

  “That’s wonderful, Zack!” Miss Mary yelled.

  Everybody in the class was freaking out, jumping up and down and going crazy.

  Well, everybody except Mr. Granite. He didn’t look very happy. There was no way we were going to be doing any math for the rest of the day.

  9

  Cantaloupe

  Saturday Night Live is a cool TV show. It’s on at night on Saturday, and it’s live. So it has the perfect name. Usually, I’m not allowed to stay up that late, but my parents said this was a special occasion because Zack was performing with Fish Food. They even let me invite Ryan, Michael, and Neil over to watch.

  Everybody was excited. In the middle of the show Fish Food came out and everybody went crazy. Zack was jumping up and down and running all over the stage while he sang “I Love Dirt.” It was cool.

  On Monday morning everyone was talking about it. We all told Miss Mary how awesome it was to see Zack on TV.

  “Okay, settle down,” said Mr. Granite. “I’m sure we all watched Miss Mary’s boyfriend, Zack, on Saturday Night Live. It was very exciting. But now that it’s over, it’s time to get back to work. So please turn to page twenty-three in your math books.”

  Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted. I knew we couldn’t avoid math forever.

  But you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what happened at that moment.

  Zack climbed in the window!

  “Oh no!” Mr. Granite said, throwing his hands up in the air. “I give up.”

  “Zack!” shouted Miss Mary.

  “Mary!” shouted Zack.

  “I missed you!”

  “I missed you, too!”

  That’s when the smooching began. Ugh, disgusting!

  “Those two are so romantic!” said Andrea.

  “You were awesome on TV the other night!” Ryan told Zack. “We all watched.”

  “Can I have your autograph?” asked Michael.

  “Sure,” Zack said. “I’m sorry to interrupt the class again, Mr. Granite.”

  “What else is new?” asked Mr. Granite.

  “A lot!” Zack said. “After the show was over, a guy came into our dressing room and signed us to a record deal. Next week we’re going to make our first album. We’re getting T-shirts and posters, too. They’re even going to make me into a bobble head statue!”*

  “I’m so proud of you, Zack!” said Miss Mary.

  “But here’s the big news,” Zack told Miss Mary. “Fish Food is going on a worldwide concert tour, and…I want you to come with us, Mary.”

  “WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “But…I promised to be a student teacher for a year,” Miss Mary said. “It wouldn’t be fair to Mr. Granite if I left.”

  “It would be fair! It would be fair!” Mr. Granite said. “Go!”

  Then Zack got down on one knee in front of Miss Mary.

  “Oh no!” yelled Andrea. “He’s getting down on one knee!”

  “I think I’m gonna cry!” yelled Emily.

  “What’s the big deal?” I said. “He must have dropped his contact lens or something.”

  Zack took a little box out of his pocket.

  “I can’t believe it!” Andrea shrieked. “He’s got a little box!”

  “So what?” I said. “He probably keeps his contact lenses in there.”

  All the girls were freaking out. What is their problem?

  Zack opened the little box.

  “Mary,” Zack said, “will you marry me?” “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” all the girls screamed. “He asked her to marry him!”

  “That’s so romantic!” Andrea said.

  Oh. I guess he didn’t keep contact lenses in the box after all.

  Zack took a ring out of the box. Miss Mary started crying, which is what girls always do when you ask them to marry you. Nobody knows why.

  “What about Daddy?” asked Miss Mary. “He doesn’t approve of you.”

  “Old man Klutz can’t keep us apart,” Zack said. “If he won’t give us his blessing, we can elope.”

  “But he would be heartbroken,” Miss Mary said. “We can’t elope!”

  “What does melon have to do with it?” I asked.

  “Quiet, Arlo!” said Andrea.

  “Oh, why not?” Miss Mary said. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Zack! Yes! Yes! Yes! Of course I’ll marry you!”

  Miss Mary put on the ring and smooched with Zack. All the girls were freaking out.*

  Mr. Granite was trying to get the girls to calm down. That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  I’m not going to tell you what it is.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  But you have to read the next chapter first. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

  10

  Talking Turkey

  Right after Miss Mary said she would marry Zack, the most amazing thing happened: another guy started climbing in the window!

  “Who’s that guy?” Michael asked.

  “Quick, Zack!” Miss Mary said. “Hide in the bloody cloakroom!”

  “It’s like Grand Central Station in here!” Mr. Granite said as Zack ran into the cloakroom. “Doesn’t anybody use doors anymore?”

  The guy who climbed in the window was dressed in a jacket and tie. He carried a briefcase.

  “Excuse me,” the guy said, “is this Ella Mentry School?”

  “Yes,” Mr. Granite replied. “Who are you? What are you doing in my classroom?”

  “Allow me to introduce myself,” the guy said as he handed Mr. Granite a card. “My name is Joe Navark. I’m with the Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Company.”

  “What?!” said Mr. Granite. “I don’t need a vacuum cleaner! Get out of here! We’re supposed to be doing math.”

  “I’m not selling vacuum cleaners,” the guy said. “I’m looking for a young man named Zack. I was told I might find him here.”

  Mr. Granite slapped his own forehead with the palm of his hand.

  “Zack is my boyfriend!” said Miss Mary, showing off her new ring. “We’re going to get married.”

  “He’s in there,” Mr. Granite muttered, pointing to the cloakroom.

  The vacuum cleaner guy opened the cloakroom door. Zack was standing there.

  “It’s you!” the vacuum cleaner guy said to Zack. “The lead singer of Fish Food! You were terrific on Saturday Night Live.”

  “Thank you!” said Zack.

  “Tell me,” the vacuum cleaner guy asked Zack, “did you write that song ‘I Love Dirt’?”

  “I sure did,” Zack replied.

  “Well, I love it!” the vacuum cleaner guy told Zack. “And I think your song would be perfect to go with the TV commercials for our new line of vacuum cleaners.”

  “Are you serious?” Zack asked.

  “Sure!” the vacuum cleaner guy said. “Picture this. We’ll have a cartoon vacuum cleaner running around a house while it sings ‘I Love Dirt.’ It will sell millions of vacuums!”

  Zack and Miss Mary went “WOW,” which is “MOM” upside down.

  “Okay,” the vacuum cleaner guy said. “Let’s talk turkey.”

  “What do turkeys have to do with vacuum cleaners?” I asked. “Turkey’s don’t talk. Are you going to vacuum up a bunch of dead turkeys?”

  “‘Talking turkey’ means talking about money, Arlo,” Andrea told me.

  “Oh,” I said, “I knew that.”

  “How much are you going to pay Zack for his song?” asked Miss Mary.

  “How does a million dollars sound to you?” asked the vacuum cleaner guy.

  WHAT?!

  “Two million would soun
d a lot better,” Miss Mary said.

  “Okay,” the vacuum cleaner guy said. “Two million. But that’s as high as I can go.”

  Zack shook hands with the vacuum cleaner guy. Everybody was freaking out.

  But suddenly, there were footsteps in the hall.

  “It’s Mr. Klutz!” Neil the nude kid yelled.

  “Quick!” Miss Mary said. “Hide in the cloakroom! Both of you!”

  Zack and the vacuum cleaner guy ran into the cloakroom right before Mr. Klutz came in.

  “I just wanted to see how you were making out, Mary,” Mr. Klutz said.

  Ew, disgusting!

  “Daddy, I have wonderful news!” said Miss Mary. “Zack and I are getting married!”

  “What?!” said Mr. Klutz. “You know how I feel about that, Mary. I won’t allow you to marry Zack until he shows that he can earn enough money to support you.”

  “He can, Daddy!” Miss Mary said excitedly. “After Zack was on Saturday Night Live, he signed a record contract. He’s going to make an album and go on tour. And a guy from a vacuum cleaner company is going to pay Zack two million dollars for ‘I Love Dirt’!”

  “That is wonderful news!” said Mr. Klutz. “Where is Zack? I want to congratulate him.”

  “He’s in the cloakroom,” said Miss Mary, “with the guy from the vacuum cleaner company.”

  “What are they doing in there?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “It’s a long story,” said Mr. Granite.

  Miss Mary opened the door to the cloakroom. Zack and the vacuum cleaner guy came out.

  “I’m the principal here,” Mr. Klutz said. “Is it true that you’re going to pay Zack two million dollars for ‘I Love Dirt’?”

  “Yes! Here’s the check!” the vacuum cleaner guy said.

  He showed the check to Mr. Klutz. We all crowded around to look. That check had a lot of zeroes on it.

  “I guess I was wrong about you, Zack,” Mr. Klutz said. “Maybe you can earn a living with your music. Okay, you and Mary have my blessing to get married.”

  “Oh, Daddy!”

  Miss Mary started hugging and kissing Mr. Klutz. Mr. Klutz started hugging and kissing Zack. Zack started hugging and kissing the vacuum cleaner guy.

  All that hugging and kissing was really gross. I thought I was gonna throw up.

  11

  Halloween

  Zack and Miss Mary decided to get married on Halloween, and Mr. Klutz said they could have the wedding right in our school playground. He even got our crossing guard, Mr. Louie, to marry them because he used to be a judge.

  It was a great day. All the teachers and parents were there. Even the vacuum cleaner guy was there. All the kids, of course, came to school in their costumes.

  First we had a big parade around the block. There were cowboys, and pumpkins, and spacemen, and superheroes, and witches, and goblins. All the parents were taking pictures and videos. Then we had a big candy party in the playground. I stuffed my face with chocolate.

  After the party Mr. Klutz told everybody to sit down on chairs that were set up near the monkey bars. I sat with the guys. Andrea and her girly friends sat in the row behind us.

  Mr. Louie stood in front of everybody. Zack marched halfway down the aisle next to Mr. Klutz. They were all dressed up in black tuxedos. Then our music teacher, Mr. Loring, started playing that “Here Comes the Bride” song on an organ.

  Miss Mary came down the aisle in a white gown. Yes, it was white! All the girls were oohing and ahhing at how pretty she looked. Zack took Miss Mary’s hand, and they walked the rest of the way down the aisle together. Everybody got quiet. You could hear a pin drop.*

  “Dearly beloved,” Mr. Louie said, “we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…”

  He said a bunch of lovey-dovey stuff, but I wasn’t paying attention. Mr. Louie went on and on for like a million hundred minutes, until he finally said…

  “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

  Zack and Miss Mary started smooching. It was a real Kodak moment, even though kissing is disgusting.

  “Isn’t this romantic, Arlo?” Andrea whispered to me. “Maybe when we grow up, you and I will get married.”

  “Over my dead body,” I replied.

  “Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. just agreed to marry Andrea after he’s dead! They must be in love!”

  “When is your dead body gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  After the wedding was over, Mr. Klutz got up on the stage.

  “And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce my favorite band…Fish Food!”

  Zack and his band got up onstage.

  “I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt!” Zack started chanting.

  We all started chanting “I love dirt” while Zack rapped the rest of the song. He was running around and jumping up and down. It was cool.

  Zack handed the microphone to Mr. Klutz, and he started yelling into it:

  “I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt!”

  Then Zack pulled the vacuum cleaner guy up on the stage and handed him the microphone.

  “I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt!”

  All the kids were jumping up and down. The teachers were dancing. Zack and the vacuum cleaner guy started playing bongos on Mr. Klutz’s head. It was hilarious. Everybody was going nuts. And we got to see it live and in person.

  You should have been there!

  12

  A Bathroom Emergency

  After it was all over, Fish Food and Zack and Miss Mary got into their tour bus. It said JUST MARRIED on it. Somebody had tied a bunch of cans and stuff to the back bumper. What’s up with that? Then they all waved good-bye and drove away. Mr. Klutz had tears in his eyes. Everybody else was really happy. Especially Mr. Granite.

  That’s when I realized something. I had to go to the bathroom really badly!

  I was going to wait until I got home, but it was an emergency. I went into the school and ran down the hall to the boys’ bathroom.

  “Is anybody in here?” I asked as I pushed open the door, just to be on the safe side. I wasn’t taking any chances, ever since the last time.

  There was nobody in the bathroom. I went into one of the stalls. I did what I had to do and flushed the toilet. But that’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  The toilet next to mine flushed!

  I figured they must be testing out the new automatic toilets again. I looked under the wall into the stall next to mine. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what I saw in there.

  It was a ghost!

  A ghost was sitting on the toilet! I was freaking out!

  “Who…are…you?” I asked.

  “Who do I look like?” the ghost said. “I’m a ghost.”

  “You’re a real ghost?”

  “Of course I’m a real ghost,” the ghost said.

  “I didn’t know ghosts use the bathroom,” I said.

  “Now you know,” said the ghost.

  “Do you eat kids for lunch?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “Good.”

  “We eat kids for dinner,” said the ghost. “And soon it will be dinnertime.”

  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

  I ran out of there. And I’m not going back ever again. I’m going to Antarctica to live with the penguins. Penguins are cool. And I don’t think they have any ghosts in Antarctica. Or at least they don’t have any in their bathrooms.

  Well, that’s pretty much the way it happened. Maybe the boys’ bathroom in our school really is haunted. Maybe we’ll get another student teacher. Maybe people will stop climbing in the windows and hiding in the cloakroom. Maybe now that they’re married, Miss Mary and Zack will stop smooching all the time. Maybe the Fish Food album w
ill be a big success. Maybe Zack will teach us how to snorkel in a bog. Maybe people in England will stop saying “bloody” all the time. Maybe people will start calling sausage “sausage.” Maybe Superman will zap Batman with his heat vision. Maybe Andrea will make a movie about how to be annoying. Maybe Mr. Granite will buy a new vacuum cleaner. Maybe I’ll get one of Zack’s bobble head statues. Maybe with Zack gone, Mr. Granite will finally be able to teach his math lesson.

  But it won’t be easy!

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  Credits

  Cover art © 2010 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  MY WEIRD SCHOOL DAZE #10: MISS MARY IS SCARY!. Text copyright © 2010 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2010 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.