I'll Be Down for You: A Bay Area Saga

by Xuri Foxx

  I was out of it, and could only really feel my daughter’s warmth against my body. She let me know that I needed to live—that I couldn’t lay down next to Stanley and die with him. “I love you, my King.” Those were my final words to him as I left the funeral with my daughter in tow. I had no plans on going to the burial site. I had no plans to go to his mother’s for a repast gathering. I had no plans at all. My soul was lost, my heart ripped from me.

  I walked as fast as I could. I felt eyes on me. I felt their curiosity. I didn’t care. I didn’t want anybody trying to stop me, catch up to me or anything. I just wanted to go somewhere and cuddle next to my baby while she slept.

  I took a final look around at everybody who had gathered to say a farewell to the head of my small family and I took in faces. I took in expressions, and I took in glances in my direction. I paid close attention. While I took it all in what became so clear in that moment was that me and my daughter were on our own. Some broke ass, jealous ass niggas made sure of that.

  Life is fucked up.

  I kept hearing that pastor in my head and couldn’t wait until his voice faded all the way from my mind. The world might be a fucked up place, and yeah, heaven probably is better, but in the world we lived in, it was just as beautiful. Me, Stanley, and our daughter.

  As I headed down the stairs to the front of the church, I had a single thought: I don’t give a fuck how big the crew is each of them muthafuckas will be taken down.

  See, I ain’t never been the average bitch. Never. That was how Stanley fell as deep in love with me as he did. These niggas couldn’t get away with what they did. Not all. Niggas had it coming. And if I couldn’t do it personally, it would be done. I owed it to Stanley.

  2 | Larry

  I was pacing around the fish tank inside Bliss. It was where we had a lot of our meetings when Stan was here. Man, I miss my nigga. Every time I think about that shit it don’t register without some emotion behind it. Shit just seem so surreal.

  Stan and me grew up together. That nigga used to call me “pretty boy” all the time. We got into a fight about it when we were youngstas and that’s how we became cool. Even as grown ass men, his ass still called a nigga ‘pretty boy’ because of my light skin, hazel eyes, and wavy hair. I used to tell that nigga, “I need you to get over yo’ crush, my nigga!” And his ass would come back with some crazy ass shit about, “Nigga I ain’t gotta be jealous cause while you out here on albino status, my dick speak a language all its own!” We stayed crackin’ on each other. My dude.

  Shit was about to change now though because we had a fallen soldier and shit didn’t feel the same.

  The fish tank sat directly above the DJ’s booth. From where I stood, I could oversee the entire club—from VIP, to the pool tables, and beyond. Stan had it done like that so we could have a sense of seeing the whole world from the top.

  I was waiting for the meeting to start and looking down into the club. The design was immaculate with a platinum and black design all the way through. We had top of the line cigars, imported liquor, and some of the best food in the city. We had good music, a sophisticated ambiance, and bad bitches everywhere you looked to keep the rich clientele company.

  In a few hours it would be opened for business, but we had important matters to discuss before the crowd arrived.

  Abe, Lil’ D, Quincy, and Damon were all posted up. Niggas had been brainstorming since the shit happened to Stan.

  “I’m confused as fuck right now, blood. I mean real talk, I don’t know which way to take off on shit with this one. I ain’t never heard the muthafuckin’ streets this quiet and shit. Not even a muthafuckin’ mouse is stirrin’.”

  “Shit, L, yo’ guess is as good as mine, Abe said. “At first all I could think of was them niggas from Central, but shit, if it was on some turf shit, the war woulda already been in effect. It would already be massacres around here and there.”

  “Nah, Abe,” Quincy said. We ain’t had no funk with them niggas in a minute. I highly doubt they asses would ride up on one of us without puttin’ target on everybody else. They rolled up on Stan and it ain’t been shit else since then. I’m with L on this shit. I’m confused than a muthafucka.”

  I turned to Damon and Lil’ D. “Aye, y’all seen that shit play out. Y’all remember anything?”

  Damon spoke first. “I just remember pullin’ out my gat and poppin’ back off at them niggas, blood. Me and Lil’ D was up against the fence hollerin’ at these broads and seen Stan. He was choppin’ it up wit’ us for a minute out the window. But he was on the phone…”

  “Yeah, I was on the phone with him when I heard the shots ring out,” Abe interjected. He put his head down thinking back on what happened. “Man, that’s some shit. To be on the phone with yo’ dude when he get murked. Them niggas gotta bleed out, yo’. For real.”

  “Shit, when I seen that car pull up on the driver’s side of Stan, somethin’ told me that shit was about to go left. Stan was turned towards us though about to bust a U, so I don’t even think he saw it until it was too late. I drew my shit after the first gunshot. I ran toward that nigga, and started bustin’ back.” Damon rubbed his hand across his waves and shook his head. “Coulda had that nigga, man. Seen my nigga layin’ in the street bleedin’. Told Lil’ D to get around to L’s and get y’all. I had to get up out when I heard the pigs comin’ because my ass was strapped. Them niggas did that shit in broad daylight though. These muthafuckin’ streets better get the fuck off mute because I’m mad enough to just go bustin’ on niggas on a hunch!”

  “Nah, blood, we can’t be doin’ that,” I told Damon’s ass. “We ain’t tryin’ to cause a war. Not like a nigga runnin’ from it, but we start goin’ after randoms on a hunch, all of a sudden we funkin’ and losing money in the process. You know Stan wouldn’t even want us doin’ that shit. Niggas already probably lookin’ at us like we about to go under.”

  “Well, that shit ain’t about to happen,” Abe said. “And while we at it, Larry…nigga you need to be leavin’ up out that bitch and get yo’ family somewhere safe. You the only muthafucka still tryin’ to be loyal to the hood, and shit. Gone and graduate yo’ ass up out. Make yo’ appearances, but not every day around that muhfucka.”

  After they all left to get fitted for the night, my mind was working over time. I couldn’t figure out who would’ve wanted Stan out. Our shit was tight knit and we were known around the town. Nobody really fucked with us. Not to be like niggas was untouchable, but that’s what it was. We had the respect so niggas stayed off our turf and we stayed off theirs.

  Was the shit personal and not about business at all? That scenario was on my mind thick.

  All I knew was that I had to figure out what was happening. Stan wasn’t one of them niggas out here fuckin’ on hella bitches and shit, so I doubted it had anything to do with some side pussy. Besides that, he knew how crazy Monique’s ass was. He woulda been signing somebody’s death warrant fuckin’ around on her.

  The more I thought about it though, I was starting to convince myself that it was something personal. But it was the who and the why that had me fucked up with that theory. The way I saw it was that anything that was personal for Stan, was personal for all of us too. So what was it? Couldn’t nothing be one-sided when it came to my crew. We were all in.

  I didn’t want to think on it too long because it got to be to a point where I started looking at everybody. And I mean everybody. Shit, hella niggas at the top had been hit from inside their own organizations. Some people act like loyalty is one of those allergies up there with dust and pollen. Ain’t no way to ever really know who to trust and that shit get people fucked up every day.

  So, shit…if it did happen with us, it wouldn’t be the first or the last time.

  I just hoped with everything in me that it wasn’t the case.

  3 | Monique

  “Monique…you scared me that day, girl. I didn’t know what was happening. You just fell. I thought I was losing you too!”
<
br />   Kita had her arms around me. She spent a lot of time hugging me these days. But, I didn’t need consolation, I needed revenge. I needed Stanley back. And while I couldn’t have one, I would certainly have the other. This whole situation had made me realize that I couldn’t trust nobody. Nobody was talking about it, and nobody was doing anything.

  “Kita…I’m good.” I wriggled free of her grasp. I even gave her a smile although I felt there was nothing to smile about.

  “You’re not good, Monique. I’ve been knowing you for way too long, so you know that I know more than anybody. I wouldn’t be fine and you can’t be either. Talk to me. You haven’t really said anything since everything happened.”

  “Say what, Kita? What am I supposed to say?”

  She got quiet and I could tell that she was sad. “I guess I don’t really have the answer. I just want you to know that I’m here for you.”

  “I know you’re there, Kita.” I looked at my best friend. Her hazel eyes were filled with tears, but she wouldn’t let them fall. It was why I had freed myself from her hug. I didn’t want to cry either, even though that was all I gave in to whenever I was by myself.

  “So, talk to me, sis. I’m right here. It ain’t no shit you wanna relive I know, but when I ain’t here you reliving it over and over in your head, so use me. That way you’re not alone.”

  I sunk down onto the chocolate microfiber couch in the family room. I looked around my house…my grand house; all decorated in browns, reds, and midnight blues. I looked toward the staircase and could almost see Stanley bouncing down them like he did. I turned back to Kita’s prying eyes.

  “You tried to tell me, Kita…” I said, softly. “You tried to tell me when you came to the house that day. I was so ready to go. We had the hotel booked. We had our movie tickets.” My voice trailed off. “It was raining and I just knew I would spend the night laid up against his chest after we had finished our day out with Nissa.”

  Kita came and sat next to me with the tissue she had grabbed off one of the end tables. “I’m just sorry that I had to be the one to tell you. But I’m glad that I could be there.”

  “I’m glad you could be here too, Kita. Maybe if I had paid attention to what you were trying to say, it wouldn’t have been as painful.”

  “I don’t know. I just knew I needed to get to you. I had no idea who you were talking to until I tried to take the phone. I still can’t believe muthafuckas can be that ruthless. That’s beyond cold.”

  “How did you even find out? Who was with Stanley? He was supposed to be on his way home. What happened?” I was throwing questions at Kita left and right. It had been too hard for me to hear any of the details at first and I still didn’t know if I was ready. So far, I only knew bits and pieces.

  Kita spoke slowly, and carefully. “I was at the house and I heard the shots. I can’t remember how many, but you know that ain’t shit brand new around where we at, so I didn’t think too much of it since I knew my man was safely in the house with me. But then I started hearing hella commotion coming from outside. When I ran to the door, Larry was already in the front yard and I heard Lil’ D say, ‘Them niggas got Stan! Them niggas got Stan!’ I lost it after that. I ran out the house and when I called you, I was already taking the exit to your house.”

  I sat there listening to Kita, and taking it all in. Thinking back over all of it—how some cowards shot my man and left him dead in the street like he wasn’t shit. Like he didn’t matter. Like he didn’t have a family who loved him.

  “I’m so confused by all this shit, Kita. Clearly, they wanted Stan, but I can’t even think of why. He was cool wit’ everybody.”

  “Yeah…but he was also rich than a muthafucka. You know how this shit is, Monique. That’s why I tell Larry all the time that we need to move!”

  “Tell his ass again, Kita. And then tell him again! He ain’t got no business having you and his son over there living like that, when y’all got money to live like this. Why he the only one still up over there like he gotta be?”

  “Because Larry cheap as fuck. He thinks if he leaves from where his money is niggas more likely to be slippin’ and dippin’ in funds.”

  “You’re not serious, right? Their money goes beyond the dope. Why the fuck is he trippin’ off something that we know will never happen? That’s crazy! And if you gonna keep listening to that shit and keeping your son over there, then who the fuck am I to keep bringing it up? Tell his ass you getting a spot away from over there for safety and if he follows then you good. If he don’t then y’all see each other when he comes for visits. Fuck that. Ugh! But enough about you…” I had gotten myself worked up. “Have you heard them say anything about what’s next?”

  “Girl, they ain’t got to. You already know,” Kita said.

  “I ain’t heard about no bodies droppin’. So I don’t know. It been way too long already. I’m wantin’ to hear about niggas hittin the concrete in front of their mama’s house, they muthafuckin’ grandmama’s house. I don’t want no mercy given. I want to hear about niggas goin’ crazy about my nigga not bein’ here no muthafuckin’ more.”

  “I feel you, Mo. Trust me. Larry ain’t even really been sleeping right. He just keep sayin’ he can’t believe it. You know him and Stan was close. He hurtin’.”

  “Where is Abe? I mean it was Abe that Stan was on the phone with, right? When those niggas rode up on him? The fuck he talkin’ about doin’? I need to know where their heads are.”

  “Monique…I think you know like I know that the shit will be dealt with.”

  “When? A bitch tired of waitin’. Shit, I don’ heard from the muthafuckin’ police more than I heard from Larry or Abe. I hope they ain’t tryin to protect me because that’s the last thing I need. For real. I need justice for the man who loved me like I ain’t never been loved in my life! Who gave me a daughter that I can’t see myself without!”

  I don’t know where it came from but before I could control it, I was crying hysterically. I really thought that I was all cried out, but when my body started to jerk, I realized I had actually been holding back. I couldn’t control any of it.

  This time when Kita came to hug me, I didn’t push her away. I just cried against her chest until all my energy had left my body.

  “I’m sorry, Kita. This shit is hard,” I said, sniffing back snot and tears. “I don’t know what to do. What am I gonna do, Kita? What? He loved me like I ain’t never been loved in my whole entire life. He’s all I know, Kita.”

  “I know.”

  “I get so heated when the damn pigs come to my front door. They asses so worried about how we livin’, they ain’t said shit about makin’ no arrests. But to be honest, I don’t want arrests; I want DNA on several blocks of concrete, on car seats, wherever that shit gotta be.”

  I heard Kita sniffle and looked at her in time to see her grab a tissue and dab around her eyes. “I know…” she said, consoling me. “I know.”

  My best friend was trying to keep it together for me, but it was hard. I could tell that.

  “Kita, you’ve always been there for me, girl. I appreciate you to death.”

  “I appreciate you too, Mo. Thick and thin.”

  All the shit was on replay over and over in my head. That bitch ass nigga’s voice on Stan’s phone, my baby lying dead in the street. Niggas taking his life without so much as a care that he had a family. Cold-blooded killers who would get on the phone and brag about some shit they had just done to him. My baby was that much of a threat that niggas felt like taking him out would serve a greater purpose.

  The visions wouldn’t stop. Broad daylight. We’ll never see him again. What if this? What if that? I felt my body go cold. I felt the same weakness start to overcome me that did that morning. “Kita…can you get me one of my valiums out my purse, please?”

  “Sure,” she said, rising from her spot to get me water.

  “Here you go,” she said, as she handed me my pill and water. She sat next to me on the sofa and rub
bed my back.

  “Sit back and relax. I’ll watch Nissa if you need to take a nap or something.”

  I was too numb to really say anything, and I had zoned out. I had vowed that I wouldn’t take anymore meds because I needed to be on my game for Nissa. But the pain was unbearable, and it always came when I least expected it.

  “Monique…did you hear me? I got you. Go ahead and lay down. I’ll be with my God baby while you rest.”

  I knew that I needed to get my mind to stop thinking for a bit, so I got up from the sofa and headed to my bedroom…our bedroom. “Thanks, Kita. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I really appreciate you being here. You’re all we got.”

  “Girl, please. I’m your sister and best friend. You would do the same for me so don’t ever think you have to say ‘thank you’ for me doing my part.”

  I shook my head up and down in agreement, as tears began to fall uncontrollably from my eye sockets. “Okay,” I said, trying my best to form a thin smile that never came. When I got a little ways down the hall, Kita yelled out to me. “Monique!”

  “Huh?” I answered, turning back toward her.

  “You know Larry got this, right? As soon as he gets the information he needs, those fools will be handled. You know that, right?”

  Even though what Kita was trying to convince me of didn’t sound true, I responded: “I know…”

  4 | Larry

  As soon as I walked into Bliss it was already in full mode. The house was packed as usual. It was crackin’. It was just what I needed to clear my mind and be able to enjoy myself. At home lately all it had been was Kita constantly asking me about how I was feeling, if we found out anything about Stan and all that. I knew she was asking me because Monique wanted to know, but damn. It was all we ever talked about anymore.