by J. L. Wilder
“I had an alpha,” I say. “He mostly left me alone, unless there was something he wanted, which there usually wasn’t. Most of what he told me to do was stuff like come down for dinner or take out the trash.” I think back on that last day in Blind River, that moment of indecision at the end of the driveway, right before I chose to run away. I find now, to my surprise, that I’m confident in the decision I made. Running away from my pack led me to Caleb. That’s all that matters.
Alex shakes her head. “Sounds like the guy squandered his power,” she says.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the purpose of the alpha’s power is to be able to use the whole pack like a single organism,” she says. “You can kind of feel it when we’re out on our rides, right? Like we’re all part of the same being?”
“I did feel something like that.”
“The alpha is supposed to work as sort of the brain of the organization, with the rest of us functioning as limbs. It’s maybe a holdover from the days when bears lived wild, I’m not sure. And there are rumors that some of the Hell’s Bears still do live that way—up in caves in the North. They would depend on the leadership of their alpha for food and shelter.”
“But what do we need it for?” I ask. “Why do you think Aiden was squandering his power by having me do chores and nothing else?”
“A good alpha would use his power to advance his pack,” Alex explains. She picks up a trowel and starts whacking at a very stubborn weed. “A good alpha would be fighting to help the pack move up in the world, gain more things they needed. He would position every member of the pack in a way that they were doing something useful.”
“Is that what Dan does?” I ask. “Make all of us useful for the greater good, or whatever?”
Alex is quiet for a minute. “In his way, he does,” she says finally.
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t like what he’s doing to you,” she says, releasing her hair from its ponytail and combing it back with her fingers before tying it up again. “I think it’s, you know, appalling. But I don’t know. We’ve never had an omega in the pack before. I have no idea whether this is normal, or whether you’ve just had a run of bad luck. I don’t know if Dan is acting like any sensible alpha would, or if he’s gone mad with power.”
I stare at her. “How can you think it might be normal?”
“You don’t know how weird it is for me to be questioning him at all!” she says. “You don’t understand...I don’t know if you could. It sounds like your alpha didn’t use his power. Didn’t bind you all and use you all as powerfully as he could, I mean. But all my life, I’ve been subject to my alpha’s mind. It’s so strange to be sitting here and thinking maybe he’s wrong. It’s like finding out two plus two makes five. I could sit here and tell you they did all day, and something in you wouldn’t accept it.”
“Caleb doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with it,” I point out.
“Well, Caleb’s imprinted.” She takes a drink from a bottle of sports drink and hands it to me. “That’s a higher law than even the power of the alpha. You’re his first allegiance now. That’s why I was worried he might try to fight Dan. He might think his love for you would give him the strength to take Dan on, or some other silly nonsense.”
“You don’t think it would?”
Alex shakes her head. “It takes really exceptional circumstances to overthrow an Alpha. It’s almost like a game of chess. You have to outsmart him. You can’t just outfight him. You have to be several moves ahead. That’s why Caleb couldn’t have done it. He was all fury and rage last night. He would have gone in guns blazing and Dan would have frozen him with a word.”
“Joe was alpha once, wasn’t he?” I ask. “Before Dan?”
Alex’s face seems to shutter closed. “That’s right.”
“What happened? How did he lose his power?”
“It was like I’m saying,” Alex says. “A power struggle. A game of chess. Dan was methodical. He had Luce and Miles on his side before the fight ever took place. He’d positioned all his pieces exactly where he wanted them. Poor Joe never saw it coming.”
“When did this happen?” I ask.
“About eight years ago. Caleb and I were teenagers at the time. It was really awful. We loved Joe so much.” She wipes a hand across her face. “We still do, of course, but it was different when he was alpha. He was a father to us then, a grandfather, a big brother—everything. And he was the best and kindest alpha you could ask for. He was all about helping the pack improve, of course, but he had vision. He was helping me and Caleb apply to colleges. Mary was getting fertility treatments. She and Bill were hoping to have a baby.”
“Wow,” I say softly.
“Dan put a stop to all that. Mary’s treatments were too expensive. So was college. All that money was redirected into the family restaurant. We’ll all work there as long as we live. Mary and Bill will never have a child.”
“That’s awful,” I say softly. It changes things somehow, realizing that this pack has known heartache without me, hearing about the things they went through before I got here. I think about Mary’s bright smile as she goes about preparing meals, the way Bill rested his hand on my shoulder when he knew I was upset. They would have made wonderful parents. Their dream was taken away from them, and yet they’re still kind to me.
And Alex. Alex, who has become my newest—my only—friend, in this strange and scary world. I look at her. She’s covered in sweat and dirt, exhausted from the labor of the morning. Later, I know, she’ll wash up and put on her black pants and white shirt and go downtown to the restaurant, where she’ll work for no money in the service of her family. But what might she have been, if she’d had the chance? If she’d been able to go to college the way she’d planned?
“I don’t understand,” I say. “Dan took away the life you wanted. The life your brother wanted. How can you not hate him?”
She looks at me, her expression half confused and half sad. “How could I hate him?” she asks. “He’s my alpha.”
Chapter Fifteen
Caleb visits me in my room again that night. I wasn’t sure he would, but the moment I see him, it seems unthinkable that he might have stayed away. I’m up off the bed and in his arms in a heartbeat, my body pressed to his, and as if by prior agreement, we’re already working each other out of our clothes, doing all we can to be closer. Wasting no time.
“If Dan finds out I’m not in my room,” Caleb breathes, his voice warm and low in my ear, “he’ll have everyone out looking for me.”
“If he finds you here?” I can hardly pay attention. My fingers have found the dimple in the small of his back where they seem to fit perfectly. I remember last night, grabbing him here, pulling him harder against me, and the jolt of pleasure that shoots through me sends me practically to my knees.
Caleb nibbles at the base of my ear, just below the lobe. His hand finds my breast and I arch into him desperately. “I don’t know.”
“Would he hurt you?”
“He’d prevent me from ever coming back...” Caleb cuts off with a gasp that turns into a little moan as my hand slides up the inside of his thigh, and I feel hungry and powerful. He lowers his head to my neck and bites a little. My bones turn to liquid. “He might hurt me,” Caleb continues, hands now wandering down the sides of my torso, tickling deliciously. “He might try to kill me.”
This takes a moment to register.
Then I step back, holding Caleb at arm’s length, keeping his distracting touches off my body so I can focus on the disturbing thing he’s just said. “He might what?”
“I don’t care,” Caleb says, mulishly. “I love you. And you want me too, don’t you?”
“Don’t ask me that.” I close my eyes. He knows perfectly well that I won’t be able to lie to him, that I can’t say no to that question. I want him more than I want air.
But I don’t want him more than I want him to live.
“You can’t,
” I say, pulling out of his arms, pushing him away from me and toward the door. “You can’t be here. You can’t take that risk.”
“Jacie—”
“Do you think I could live with it?” I demand. “Do you think it wouldn’t bury me if he killed you for being here? You have to go.”
The look on his face is pure anguish. “I’m not giving up,” he says. “I’ll find a way to be with you.”
“Okay,” I agree, but I’m not sure I really believe him.
THE NEXT COUPLE OF days are painfully tense. Caleb and I can’t even bear to look at each other. We have to continue sitting together at meals for fear of alerting Dan to the fact that something has changed between us, and I can feel the charge leaping between our bodies. It’s all I can do to restrain myself from crawling out of my chair and into his. I am constantly aroused, constantly terrified. Sleep becomes impossible.
Alex has devoted herself full-time to managing Caleb’s emotional state. I don’t know what’s going on, exactly, but it’s not hard to imagine that he’s itching to lash out at Dan, maybe mount an attack of his own. I picture him and Alex locked in a room somewhere, Caleb dreaming up plans to subvert Dan’s rule, Alex logically picking each of them apart.
I wait. Day after day, nothing happens.
And then it happens. It’s dinner time, and Bill has roasted a turkey for us. Everyone is happy. It feels like the calmest day we’ve had in a long time. Even Caleb feels a little more relaxed than he has been in a while, as if he’s finally exhaling.
Then Dan gets to his feet. “Tonight is the night,” he says. “Tonight, after dinner, we’ll conduct the tattoo ceremony, and Jacie will become a full member of the Hell’s Bears pack.”
The bottom drops out of my stomach. I knew this was coming, of course, but somehow, I thought I would have more time. Beside me, Caleb is gripping the table so hard I’m afraid it’s going to crack. I don’t know how Dan can fail to see the rage emanating off him. It’s practically visible.
Somehow, we all get through dinner. I notice Mary looking at me with concern a few times, although she doesn’t speak. When the plates are cleared, Miles stands up and looks around at all of us. “I’ll be in the den getting ready,” he says, and leaves.
Mary places her hand over mind. “Don’t worry,” she says softly. “It doesn’t hurt too much.”
“I can handle pain,” I say.
Luce snorts. “Look at her. She’s built like a toothpick. No muscle on her. I bet she starts crying as soon as the needle touches her.”
“You don’t need to be cruel,” Bill says, his voice deep and slow, almost paternal. “Is it your first tattoo, Jacie? Or did your old pack do this also?”
“It’s my first,” I answer. I’m surprised at how timid my voice sounds. I give my head a shake, trying to snap myself out of my nerves.
“You don’t have anything to worry about,” Mary says. “Miles doesn’t have the world’s greatest bedside manner, but he really is very good at this. He’ll get it done quickly and efficiently.”
Dan gets to his feet, and all the others rise with him. I think about staying in my seat, but what good would it do? Luce could easily lift me and drag me into the living room if she wanted to. I stand and trail after Joe, who I’ve noticed always brings up the rear of any formation in this pack. Joe sits at the foot of the table. Joe eats last. Joe rides at the back of our motorcycle line. He’s clearly the lowest status member of the family. From alpha to this!
Miles has pulled one of the recliners to the middle of the living room and thrown a sheet over it. “Come sit,” he says to me.
I hesitate. Is there any way I might be able to flee? I don’t want this mark on my arm. I don’t want to be brought under Dan’s control. I’m going to lose my free will, my identity, my life. But behind me, Luce flexes, and I know I don’t have a chance at getting away.
I crawl into the seat. Miles points at a bucket on the floor. “Let me know if you’re going to throw up,” he says.
“I won’t throw up.” I actually feel like I might, but it won’t be because of pain. If only the pain were all I had to worry about!
Miles pushes my sleeve up past my shoulder and makes a few marks on my arm with a pen. Then he picks up his needle and begins.
And as he does so, Caleb looks me in the eye.
The pain melts away. The bliss of Caleb actually looking at me for the first time in days is the only thing that holds my attention. Miles could be doing anything at all to me and I wouldn’t notice. Even the horror of submitting to Dan’s rule seems to have lessened. The understanding that passes between me and Caleb in this moment matters more than anything: it’s going to be okay.
It’s going to be okay.
I’m terrified when Miles finally steps away and pronounces my tattoo finished, terrified that Dan will insist I come with him right now and mate, but he doesn’t. He examines my tattoo and says, “That will take a few days to heal, I suppose?”
“It’s not like she can’t have sex until her tattoo heals,” Miles says. “I’ll put a bandage over it, she’ll be fine.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
But Dan shakes his head. “I want her in peak condition. We’re going to do it in the ceremonial circle.”
Whatever that means. I notice Bill and Mary giving each other uncomfortable glances. Luce just looks eager.
“Fine,” Miles says, and he tapes a bandage over my arm. “Keep that dry,” he tells me. “You don’t want it to get infected.”
I place my hand over my newly tattooed shoulder. A part of me wishes I could rip it away.
IT’S NOT UNTIL THE makeshift tattoo parlor has been cleared away, the recliner pushed back into its usual position and the sheet bundled up and taken down to the laundry room, that I make my discovery.
It’s not until Dan turns to me and says, “Go back to your room now, Jacie, and stay there until morning,” that I fully understand.
I go back to my room without saying a word. I know better than to tip my hand. But I know immediately that something has gone wrong. Because I don’t feel the pull of the alpha’s command, and I know that if I wanted to, I could easily defy Dan’s order.
The tattoo hasn’t served its intended purpose. I don’t have to recognize his authority.
I’m still my own person.
Chapter Sixteen
Caleb comes to me that night for the first time in days.
The atmosphere crackles and pops as soon as he walks into my room. It doesn’t feel like this during the day. As hard as it is to sit next to him at dinner, there’s something different about being together at night. Maybe it’s the fact that none of the others are here to dilute the energy between us.
I want to fly into his arms, but he stands away from me, his back to the wall, his arms wrapped painfully around his stomach. It’s costing him something to be here. That much is apparent. “Are you all right?” he asks. Each word is pulled from him.
“I’m okay,” I say. My fingertips go to my tattoo. “It didn’t hurt very much.”
Caleb nods. “I came to talk to you about the ceremonial circle. I don’t know if we’re going to get another chance, so I thought I’d better act while I could.”
“The ceremonial circle?” I think back. “Dan mentioned that after I’d been given the tattoo. He said something about...” I frown. “I don’t really understand what he was saying.”
“He didn’t have sex with you today,” Caleb says. “He’s waiting. He wants to mate with you in the ceremonial circle.”
Suddenly, the look of pain on his face is too much for me to take. He looks as if this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him. He looks tormented. His fingers are flexing and clenching, digging into the sides of his torso, and I’m afraid he’s going to cause himself bruises. It’s awful to see him like this. “Caleb,” I say softly, taking a careful step toward him.
He backs away quickly, a frightened rabbit, but now his back is against the wall. He holds out
a hand. “Jacie, don’t, please.”
I pay no attention. I come closer. “Please let me talk.”
“Don’t come any closer.” His face twists. “I can’t take it. I can’t.”
“What can’t you take?”
“Do you know how it feels to be in a room with you and to be unable to touch you? Do you know how hard it is to hold myself back?” he asks. “Every cell in my body wants you. I want you like I want air.”
I remember having the same thought myself. “I know,” I say quietly. “I know, Caleb.” I stop on the spot and hold a hand up, reaching for him but not forcing my closeness upon him. He’s so uncomfortable. “Come to me. It’s all right.”
“I can’t,” he moans. “If Dan finds out...he could order you to do something terrible, Jacie. He could find some way to take revenge.”
“Caleb, you have to keep a secret,” I say. “Can you? Can you promise me not to tell anyone what I’m about to tell you?”
I see the torture in his eyes. “Dan can make me,” he says. “He can make me do anything.”
And that’s true, I know it is, and I know Dan might ask Caleb for the information I’m about to reveal. But I can’t stand to see Caleb in pain like this. Holding himself back. Forcing himself away. And I don’t want him to put this distance between us. I want him in my arms.
So, it’s selfishness, maybe, when I tell him, “The tattoo isn’t working. I’m not under his power.”
Caleb blinks. His body doesn’t relax at all. If anything, it grows more tense. “How do you know that?”
I shrug. “He’s given me orders. I haven’t felt anything. No compulsion to follow them, I mean. I know what it feels like. I remember. My alpha in my old pack gave orders I had to follow. I don’t have to follow Dan’s orders.”
“But you have been,” Caleb says. “I’ve...I’ve seen you.” And it’s only now that I realize how agonizing that must have been for him. Watching me bend to Dan’s orders. Knowing what that subservience implied. That Dan owned me now, and that Caleb and I could never be.
