Tough Guy (Game Changers)

by Rachel Reid

  It was almost the truth; Fabian was feeling remarkably better now that he had Ryan’s huge body pressed against him. And then Ryan fixed the remaining problem by kissing him exactly the way Fabian wanted to be kissed—slow and adoring. Fabian sighed happily as the tension left his body, replaced by the wonderful feelings of comfort and affection that always warmed him when he was with Ryan.

  They made out for a long time, trading soft kisses on each other’s cheeks and necks and sharing deep, tender kisses when their mouths found their way back together. It didn’t feel like foreplay; instead of becoming aroused, Fabian felt loose and gooey with bliss.

  He rolled Ryan onto his back and snuggled against him, resting his head on Ryan’s solid chest. Ryan wrapped an arm around him, and Fabian couldn’t remember ever feeling so safe and comfortable.

  “Do anything fun today?” Ryan asked.

  “I wrote a new song.” Fabian bit his lip, trying to decide how much to reveal. “It’s a bit...sappier than my usual style.”

  “Oh?”

  “Something inspired me to write a love song. Can’t imagine what.”

  For a long moment, Ryan was silent. Fabian raised his head and bravely glanced at his face. Ryan was smiling at the ceiling.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever inspired anyone to do anything before.”

  “I didn’t say it was you,” Fabian teased. Ryan’s smile faded. “Oh my god! Of course it’s you!” Fabian climbed on top of him, sprawled out on his stomach with his chin propped on his folded hands. “I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m quite fond of you, Ryan Price.”

  Ryan shook his head. His face was pure wonder. “I used to listen to you practice. I’d be in my room in the basement, and when I heard your violin I would just lay on my bed and listen.”

  Fabian’s heart fluttered. “Did you?”

  “Yeah. All the time. It...helped.”

  “Helped?”

  Ryan sighed. “That wasn’t a great year for me. I was away from home for the first time—and Ross Harbour has less than two thousand people, so even being in a city was an adjustment—and your family was really nice, but it was still, y’know, not my home.”

  Fabian had never really considered things from the hockey player’s view when he’d been forced to cohabit with them. As far as he’d been concerned at the time, the world had been their fucking oyster, and they probably saw it as their right as an elite hockey player to take over someone’s home. “That must have been stressful for you.”

  “It was. I was at a new school, trying to graduate while also playing hockey and dealing with...stuff.”

  Ugh. Fabian was an asshole for ever assuming that he had been the only person suffering in that house. “Hockey stuff, or...?”

  “I was trying to fit into my new team, and having a hard time. Plus I was suddenly playing in front of ten thousand people instead of, like, fifty.”

  “Yikes. Yeah.”

  Ryan began absently stroking Fabian’s hair. “Plus there was the being gay thing. That was a whole other problem.”

  Right. Fabian obviously hadn’t known at the time that Ryan had been dealing with that, but now that he knew... “Jesus. That must have sucked.”

  “It was a lot to hide at once. The fact that I was attracted to men, that I was scared, that I was homesick, that I...hated fighting. And some of my teammates.” His lips twitched up a bit. “Didn’t help that I also had to hide the crush I had on you.”

  God, why wasn’t time travel real? Fabian wanted nothing more than to go back thirteen and a half years, walk into Ryan’s bedroom, and tell him how much he liked him. To lie on his bed beside him and hold his hand. Or maybe tell his younger self to do that. That would make more sense. Time travel was confusing.

  He took Ryan’s hand now, first rolling off the man to lie beside him. “I wish you hadn’t,” he said. “Hidden your crush, I mean. We could have had a lot of fun in that basement.”

  Ryan huffed. “I think I would have been pretty awkward. More awkward than I am now, if you can imagine.”

  “Do you really think I would have been a skilled and adventurous lover at seventeen?”

  Ryan turned his head and smiled at him. “Probably. It wouldn’t have surprised me.”

  Fabian laughed, and then kissed him. He decided, right then, to forget about the video he’d watched. It didn’t matter. Ryan had said he was going to stop fighting, so why even think about it anymore? The man in the video didn’t matter. The man who bought Fabian flowers and used to secretly pine for him while he listened to his violin practice; that was the man who was here now. That was the man who mattered.

  “What would you have done?” Fabian asked. “If I had gone down to your room and come on to you?”

  “I probably wouldn’t have even known that’s what you were doing. I would never have let myself believe it.”

  Fabian traced a finger around Ryan’s belly button and up to his chest. “But if I made it very obvious, let’s say.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well...” Fabian was suddenly giddy imagining the scenario. “What if I’d closed the door behind me and...taken off my shirt?”

  “Oh geez. I definitely would have thought I was dreaming.”

  “What if I’d told you I couldn’t live another day without telling you how much I wanted you? How badly I needed to touch you?”

  Ryan seemed to be seriously considering his answer. “I still wouldn’t have believed you.”

  “Let’s skip ahead to the part where you believe me.”

  He blew out a breath. “Okay. I guess I would have...kissed you?”

  “Would you have?”

  He shook his head. “No. I would have waited for you to kiss me.”

  “And when I did?”

  “I would have liked it?”

  Fabian pressed his lips together to keep from laughing. He would put role-playing on the list of things to work on with Ryan.

  When the urge to laugh had passed, he kissed Ryan and said, “I would have liked it too.”

  “Are we still going on this date, or should we just stay in?”

  Fabian got to his feet and went to the closet. “Oh, we are going out. I am going to romance the hell out of you, Ryan Price.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  For the rest of December, things were as close to perfect as they’d ever been for Ryan. Coach had been riding Ryan to fight more, but he couldn’t argue with the effort Ryan had been putting in on the blue line. Ryan felt he was playing the best hockey of his career for Toronto right now. And maybe that wasn’t saying much, but he was still proud.

  Nilsson had been out for the past few games with a minor injury, so Wyatt had gotten to take over starting goaltender duties, which made games more entertaining for Ryan. Wyatt had also been on fire, winning three of the past four games, and even getting a shutout in the last game. Ryan had earned himself three assists in the past week. For the first time in a long time, hockey was fun.

  Ryan and Wyatt had also visited the community center a couple more times together, and that had only bolstered Ryan’s renewed love of the game. The kids were fantastic, and the center had greatly appreciated Ryan’s donation of a bunch of pairs of brand new hockey gloves.

  The rest of Ryan’s days and nights were full of Fabian. They split nights between Fabian’s apartment and Ryan’s. Although Ryan’s was much bigger and newer, he preferred the hominess of Fabian’s place. Ryan went to Bargain Brunch whenever possible, and went out with Fabian and his friends to interesting performances and talks and art exhibits. He loved all of it, and was even starting to feel less like an outsider when they all hung out together. He felt at home for the first time since he’d left Ross Harbour as a teenager. Toronto’s Village was something else; it was easy for Ryan to believe, if he stayed within in its boundaries, that the entire world was g
ay. It was exciting.

  Almost as exciting as his relationship with Fabian. When Ryan went to his shows, he could never quite believe that he’d be going home with the gorgeous man onstage. The man who had an entire club full of people entranced and in love with him, but who had chosen Ryan. It was unreal. It was, in fact, so hard for Ryan to believe, that he was often shy about approaching Fabian after he got off stage. Ryan would linger off to the side, waiting patiently as Fabian talked and laughed with the many people who wanted time with him.

  But then Fabian would smile at Ryan, beckon him over, and go up on his tiptoes to give Ryan a slow, toe-curling kiss in plain view of anyone who happened to be watching. Ryan couldn’t believe how lucky he was.

  He still had to get on planes and leave Fabian behind, but even that was easier to bear when he had a wonderful boyfriend to call from the road. His therapist had noticed the change in him, and was very encouraging and excited.

  So of course something had to go wrong.

  “Traded?” Ryan asked miserably. “Where?”

  “Ottawa,” Wyatt said. “They need a goalie, and they like what they’ve been seeing from me lately.”

  Ryan swallowed hard, and was glad they were having this conversation over the phone. He was embarrassingly close to crying. “When do you leave?”

  “Today.” He exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry, Pricey. I wanted to call you so you’d hear it from me first.”

  “Thanks.” Ryan really did appreciate it. He couldn’t imagine how devastating it would have been to find out by seeing a headline online, or hearing it second hand.

  “At least I won’t be too far away, right?”

  “Right.” Fucking hell. Wyatt was the first teammate Ryan had ever had that he could truly call a friend. But, “This will be good for you,” he conceded.

  “I know. I’m excited about it. And Lisa already has a lead on a job at a hospital in Ottawa, so that should work out too.”

  “Good.” Ryan got out of bed and started pacing. “That’s good.”

  “I’ll miss you, big guy. You’ll keep going to the center, right?”

  God, would he? Ryan didn’t like the idea of going alone. “Sure,” he said. “I can do that.”

  “You definitely should. Those kids are nuts about you.”

  Ryan smiled at that. “I can’t believe you’re going to Ottawa.”

  “I know. The enemy, right?”

  “You’ll get to play with Rozanov. You still have a crush on him?”

  Wyatt laughed. “Maybe I can get to the bottom of this mystery friendship he has with Shane Hollander.”

  “Don’t be nosy.”

  “Never. I’ve gotta finish packing and get to the airport. I’ll see you soon, though, all right? And have a good Christmas.”

  “Yeah. You too. And, uh, thanks.” Ryan cringed, but he really needed to say this. “You made a difference this year. To me, I mean. Sorry if that’s a weird thing to say, but...thanks.”

  There was silence, and then Wyatt said, “You’re one of the good ones, Pricey. Remember that.”

  They said their goodbyes, and Ryan sat back down on his bed. In all his years of playing, this was the first time he’d been upset about someone else being traded. The thought of being in that locker room—of being on a plane—without Wyatt there was depressing.

  Three days later, Fabian flew home for Christmas, and Ryan was completely alone. On Christmas morning he enjoyed a long video call with his parents and Colleen. They’d seemed surprisingly cheerful despite his not being there. Ryan was glad they weren’t upset about it, but he couldn’t help but feel that he’d disappointed them so many times now that they were beyond caring.

  He’d considered going home this year. He really had. The possibility of flying to Halifax with Fabian had been enticing, but Ryan wasn’t sure he wanted Fabian to see what he was like on a plane.

  Returning to Ross Harbour could also be overwhelming, sometimes. He was the hero of his small town, and the attention he got whenever he went home made him uncomfortable. Jetting home for two days for Christmas wouldn’t give the townsfolk much time to bother him, but still. Spending the holiday safe and alone in his apartment rather than dealing with planes and travel and over-interested neighbors was a much more appealing option.

  He did miss Fabian, though.

  He’d bought him a gift, which he would give him when he got back. He wasn’t sure how Fabian would react, but when Ryan had seen it at the mall he’d been killing time at in Dallas, he hadn’t been able to resist.

  Ryan was ready to enjoy a quiet afternoon of reading, and then maybe finding a good restaurant that was open on Christmas Day, when disaster struck. He bent to pick up a pair of socks he’d dropped and he threw his back out completely.

  “Son of a—” Ryan cursed, then howled, “Fuuuuuck!”

  He’d been through this enough times to know that nothing was going to help except patience and caution. He hobbled around his apartment, piling the pillows from his bed onto the couch, then wincing as he had to reach for the heating pad he kept on the top shelf of his closet. It was a stupid place to keep it.

  He got himself settled on the couch, with the heating pad tucked under his lower back, and at least was able to read as he’d planned. He turned on the television he’d finally bought and played the fireplace channel as he read. He’d taken some muscle relaxers, and they were making him feel a bit floaty.

  He wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep, but he woke to his phone ringing. The noise startled him, which caused him to cry out in pain. He fumbled blindly for his phone, keeping his eyes squeezed shut against the agony that was coursing through him. “Hello?”

  “Merry Christmas,” purred his favorite voice.

  “Fabian. Hi.” Ryan could hear the strain in his own voice. Fabian didn’t miss it.

  “Are you all right?”

  Ryan blew out a breath as the worst of the pain subsided. “No. I threw my back out.”

  “Oh no! When did that happen?”

  “This afternoon. It’s been a pretty excellent Christmas.”

  “I’m sorry. I wish I was there to help you.”

  “I’ll manage.” Ryan grimaced at how grumpy he sounded, and added, “I do wish you were here, though. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too, darling. I have had more than enough family.”

  “How are they?”

  “Oh, fine. Sonia’s husband, Paul, is a former hockey player, of course. He works in marketing or something now. He is the absolute worst.” He sighed. “He makes Sonia happy, though. And everyone is excited about the pregnancy.”

  “How’d your show go?”

  Fabian brightened. “It was great! I haven’t played in Halifax in so long, it was a really appreciative crowd. It was nice to see some old friends too.” He laughed. “Amy snuck in with a fake ID.”

  “I still can’t believe she’s eighteen.”

  “You’ll have to see her. She was asking about you.”

  Ryan nearly sat up in surprise, until he remembered his back. “She was? What do you mean? Did you tell her about...us?”

  “I told my family that we’d reconnected, and we’ve been hanging out. I think my parents were mystified enough by that. I didn’t feel like adding to it by telling them that I’m...well anyway. I didn’t tell them. But Amy figured it out.”

  Ryan’s stomach knotted up. “What did she say?”

  “She’s thrilled. She remembers you very fondly. You used to pretend to be a dinosaur and let her ride on your back.”

  Ryan chuckled. “That was fun. She was a great kid.”

  “I have hope for her. I might just have a friend in my family after all.”

  They talked for a while longer, and Ryan tried not to overthink the fact that Fabian hadn’t told his parents they were together. It wasn’t that he was d
isappointed Fabian was keeping their relationship a secret from them, it was more that he understood all the reasons why. Reasons that reinforced his fear that this thing he had with Fabian couldn’t possibly last. They were simply too different. They didn’t make sense.

  “I’ll see you in a couple of days,” Fabian said. “Rest that back. I’ll be there to soothe and comfort you before you know it.”

  “Looking forward to it.”

  “Me too. Good night, Ryan.”

  “Good night. Merry Christmas.”

  Ryan set his phone on the coffee table and picked up the remote. He flipped around until he found The Shop Around the Corner on Turner Classic Movies. He ordered some Chinese food and forced himself to walk around the apartment a bit, because he knew it would be better for his back if he moved around.

  The thing was, even with the injured back, this wasn’t Ryan’s most depressing Christmas ever. At least this year he had a boyfriend who was concerned about him and called him darling. A boyfriend who missed him, and who would be back in his arms in a couple of days.

  Which was why Ryan really needed his back to heal.

  * * *

  Fabian could not believe how much he missed Ryan. It was staggering. Even though they had spent plenty of time apart in the weeks since they’d first hooked up, he’d never felt Ryan’s absence as acutely as he did now. It probably had a lot to do with Fabian being back in the house where they’d first met, all those years ago.

  His old bedroom was unrecognizable. The band posters that had covered the walls were gone. There were no books, no knickknacks, no color. It was a drab and generic guest bedroom. It actually reminded Fabian a lot of Ryan’s apartment.

  Except Ryan’s apartment would have Ryan in it, which would make it infinitely better.

  Fabian ate dinner with his family for the last time for what he was sure would be months, if not a year or more. They had ordered Lebanese food from a restaurant that was owned by a family friend because neither of Fabian’s parents had any interest in cooking. Fabian had grown up eating a lot of takeout and heat-from-frozen convenience food.