Attack of the Gnomes

by Zack Zombie

  “Zombie, remember. . .with great power comes great responsibility,” my dad said.

  Yeah, dads say some of the weirdest things sometimes.

  But then it hit me.

  I bet Laslow played another practical joke on me!

  Urrrrrggghhhh! That little booger got me again!

  I could imagine him laughing right now.

  Tee hee hee.

  My mom and dad took Wesley to his school while I stayed home.

  I was grounded for trying to make up stories in order not to do my homework.

  So I just tried watching some TV, to take my mind off how mad I was.

  So much for the Red Pumpkin unleashing his fury, I thought.

  But then, all of a sudden I heard. . .

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes, get your gnomes, get your gnomes.

  Gnomes, Gnomes. . .Get your gnomes at the Red Pumpkin!

  Get your Gnome and get good luck, get good luck, get good luck.

  Get your Gnome and get good luck at the Red Pumpkin!

  Then the Red Pumpkin came out on the TV and with his creepy voice he said. . .

  “Well, it’s that time boys and girls. It’s time for you to destroy! It’s time for you to demolish! It’s time for you to plunder! It’s time for you to unleash my fury on all of Minecraft!”

  “MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  Next thing I know, a giant red pumpkin starts to flash on and off on the screen, over and over again.

  And after a while, I started to feel like I was going to hurl.

  Suddenly, I heard screaming and breaking and maniacal laughing outside.

  So I ran to the window.

  I saw the house next door burst into flames.

  And then the house down the street exploded in front of my eyes.

  I saw mobs of my neighbors screaming and running for their lives with little gnomes grabbing at their heads.

  Then I saw gnomes carrying entire mob families away.

  The TV kept flashing the red pumpkin over and over, faster and faster.

  I kept getting weaker and weaker, until suddenly, I couldn’t move.

  I mean, I was totally frozen and I couldn’t even move a muscle.

  The remote was on my lap, but I couldn’t reach it. So I just kept trying to lean forward as far as I could.

  FLUMP!

  Luckily, my hard head changed the channel.

  On the next channel, the news was reporting about all the carnage that was happening all around our village.

  Then, suddenly, the Red pumpkin started flashing on the TV again.

  So, I changed the channel quick. But it was playing on every channel!

  I was frozen again, except now I didn’t have the remote.

  I was fading, and everything was turning black.

  I could see the shadows of little creatures as they approached behind me.

  All I could do was sit there and drool.

  This is it! I thought.

  This is the end.

  Wednesday

  “Zombie. . .”

  “Zombie. . .”

  “ZOMBIE!”

  “Urrrgghhhh. . .huhwuzzat?”

  When I opened my eyes, Alex was hovering over my corpse.

  “Zombie, are you okay?” Alex asked.

  “What happened? I thought I was a gonner for sure.”

  “You almost were,” she said. “You’re lucky I was on my way to your house this morning. I needed a dummy for my sword practice.”

  “Hey!”

  “But, Alex, did you feel it?” I asked. “I mean, I couldn’t move. It felt like my whole body was a popsicle.”

  “Actually, I didn’t,” Alex said. “For some reason, I was fine.”

  That’s weird, I thought. It’s the same thing that happened in the cafeteria.

  But then I thought, Oh, man, the village!

  “Alex, how’s the village? Is everybody okay?”

  “Zombie. . .I’m sorry, but there’s no village left.”

  “What?!!”

  Oh, man, this is terrible.

  But then I realized, my parents!

  “Alex, how about my parents? Did they make it out?”

  Alex didn’t know what to say. I think it was because she really didn’t know.

  As I sat there thinking about my parents and my little brother, Wesley, I started to tear up.

  “There, there, Zombie. It’s going to be all right,” I heard Alex say as she patted me with her baby hands.

  Wait. . .baby hands?!!!!

  Then I looked up, and Laslow was standing next to me patting me on the head.

  “Laslow!”

  I grabbed the little gnome, turned him upside down, and started shaking him.

  He was kicking and screaming, and trying to say something but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let him trick me again.

  Then I pinned him down on the ground and prepared to do my Ultimate Warrior Body Slam Super Elbow Dropkick on him.

  “Calm down, Zombie,” Alex said. “Laslow helped me get you out of there.”

  “What?!! Him?!!”

  “Yeah, he helped me hide you in this cave when all of the gnomes took the mob villagers away.”

  “Zombie, I know you’re mad at me,” Laslow said. “And, I don’t blame you. But I know where your parents are, and your friends.”

  “Well, you better start talking or you’d better get ready to rumble.”

  Then Laslow told me how the gnomes kidnapped all the villagers and took them back to the Red Pumpkin’s lair.

  “Zombie, I think you know what we need to do.” Alex said as she strapped on her bow and her sword.

  Man, Alex is so tough for a human girl.

  She reminds me of Lara Craft, the Tombraider.

  It’s kind of hot, in a creepy human way.

  “Well, if we’re going to rescue everybody,” I said, “then we need to destroy the Mind Emerald once and for all. That’s the source of the Red Pumpkin’s power.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Alex said.

  “But this time, Laslow,” I said, “you’re staying here. We don’t need you having another meltdown.”

  “I have the perfect solution for that,” Laslow said, showing me his big hairy ears. “Worked like a charm yesterday.”

  Eh, I didn’t have the energy to argue, so I let Laslow tag along.

  Plus, I felt kinda jealous.

  Those are some really big ears.

  “Let’s wait till dark,” Alex said. “That way we can sneak up on them.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I said.

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  Thursday

  When we reached the Red Pumpkin’s lair, they had all the villagers tied up, and they were leading them up to the Mind Emerald.

  They had all the Creepers, Zombies, Skeletons, and Enderman tied up in minecarts so they couldn’t get away.

  “What are they doing with all the villagers?” Alex asked.

  “They are going to be turned into mindless zombies,” Laslow said.

  I just gave him a dirty look.

  Then I told them, “The Mind Emerald only controls Minecraft mobs. That’s probably why it doesn’t affect you, Alex.”

  “But what does the Red Pumpkin need a bunch of hypnotized mobs for?”

  “He is building an army to take over all of Minecraft,” Laslow said.

  Me and Alex just looked at each other.

  “Whoa!”

  While we were putting together our rescue plan, we didn’t notice the cat that came strolling into our hiding spot.

  “Whose cat is that?” Alex asked.
>
  “RUN!” I yelled.

  “MEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!”

  Then all the gnomes and hypnotized mobs came rushing at us.

  “MEEP, MEEP, MEEP!”

  But, there were too many of them. They caught us and put us in chains. Then they led us to a dungeon deep inside the cave, and they threw us in and locked the door.

  “What are we going to do?” Laslow stuttered. “I’m too young to die.”

  “Young? How old are you?” I asked, looking at his beard.

  “Oh, I’m only twelve years old,” he said, smiling.

  “But what about that beard?”

  “Oh, we’re born like this,” he said. “But we usually have a lot more hair. Especially the women.”

  I had too much on my mind to try to figure that one out.

  So nasty.

  Thursday

  Later that night. . .

  We were in that dungeon for a few hours.

  Then, suddenly, the big dungeon door swung open and Franklin the Enderman walked in.

  Oh, man, I couldn’t believe I would say this but I was really glad to see him.

  Except Franklin was acting kind of weird. His eyes were green, and he was in some sort of a trance.

  “Franklin, you okay, buddy?” I asked him.

  Then he grabbed us.

  “BAMF!”

  Next thing I know, Franklin teleported us to the altar, in front of the Red Pumpkin and the Mind Emerald.

  “MUE, HE, HE, HE, Heh,” the Red Pumpkin said in his creepy voice, while stroking his cat.

  “So, you thought you were going to stop me from unleashing my fury on your village, heh?”

  “You’re not going to get away with this!” Laslow said to the Red Pumpkin.

  Then Franklin picked up Laslow by his leg and began to shake him until he got all dizzy.

  Then Franklin stepped toward Alex.

  “You want to try that with me, you overgrown blockhead?” Alex said in her Lara Craft voice.

  Like I said. . .so hot.

  Then Franklin backed off.

  “MUE, HE, HE, HE, Heh,” the Red Pumpkin laughed in his creepy voice again.

  “So, if it isn’t Alex,” the Red Pumpkin continued. “I could use someone like you to lead my legions into battle. Why don’t you join me in my reign of terror? MUEH, HE, HE, HE, Heh!”

  “I will never join you,” Alex said. “Especially with that lame laugh. . .so cliché.”

  “Oh, I think I can persuade you,” the Red Pumpkin said, looking weirdly at me.

  Then Franklin grabbed me by the neck.

  “GACK!”

  Suddenly, the Red Pumpkin started monologuing. . .

  “It’s about time we ended Minecraft and all of the destruction it has caused in the human world. No longer will human kids be obsessed over the game. No longer will children find it difficult to stay focused in school. And no longer will Minecraft turn human kids into mindless zombies who have no social life.”

  “Hey!” I said as Franklin grabbed tighter.

  “GACK!”

  The Red Pumpkin continued, “But today, I will remake Minecraft in a mom’s image!”

  “Wait. . .what?”

  “From now on, Minecraft will only teach kids math, and English, and history, and science!”

  Oh no, this can’t be happening.

  “And there will be a time limit of two hours per day of Minecraft screen time!”

  No, no, no, no!

  “And there will be no more fighting over who is going to play first. No more fighting about problems on the server. No more whining about somebody trolling your build. No more wasting time trying to find a server without bad words!”

  I can’t believe this!

  “I am going to reshape Minecraft so that it’s approved by mom’s everywhere!”

  “MUAHAHAHAHA!”

  “NNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” I couldn’t take his blasphemy any longer. He was going to take our beloved video game and turn it into a wasteland of kid appropriate play and educational content.

  I had to stop it, even if my life depended on it!

  So, I lunged at the Red Pumpkin with all my strength and grabbed onto his big pumpkin head.

  Franklin the Enderman tried to pry me off, but not before I took off the Red Pumpkin’s big head.

  Then everybody gasped.

  “Cassie!” Alex yelled.

  “Yes, it’s me, Alex! And you remember Oslow,” she said as the unmasked cat jumped on the altar.

  “MEEEOOOOWWWW!”

  “But Cassie, why?” Alex asked. “Why would you do such a thing? Why would you destroy Minecraft and ruin the fun that it brings to millions of kids all around the world? Why would you destroy all the meaningless escape it brings to the lives of kids everywhere?”

  “Why? Because my name is not really Cassie. My name is Mabel. Mabel Mombottom!”

  “Huh!”

  “And I am a mom of three preteen kids!”

  “Huh!”

  “And I got sick and tired of all the drama that Minecraft brought to my life, and to the lives of countless other moms in the human world!” Mabel continued. “So I stole both parts of the Mind Emerald, and now combined, I am going to use it to unleash my fury on all of Minecraft!”

  “MUAHAHAHAHA!”

  While Mabel dragged on, I used the opportunity to put on the Red Pumpkin head. It made it really easy to sneak away from Franklin the Enderman.

  Then I found Laslow, and we both snuck behind the Mind Emerald.

  “This is it Laslow, are you ready to finally destroy this thing?” I said.

  “Ready!”

  Then we both pushed with all our might.

  Suddenly, the Mind Emerald tumbled off the altar and down to the rocks in the cave below.

  “KRESH!”

  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!!! Mabel Mombottom said.

  All of a sudden, a giant vortex formed and it started sucking what looked like green ooze out of the eyes of all of mobs and all the gnomes.

  Then Mabel and Oslow ran toward the Mind Emerald. But as they got closer, they started getting sucked into the vortex too.

  “NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

  Then as it sucked them into the vortex, Mabel said the scariest words I would ever hear my entire life. . .

  “ONE DAY MINECRAFT WILL BE MOM FRIENDLY! I PROMISE YOU! I PROMISE YOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!

  Then the vortex closed, and everything got quiet.

  Then suddenly, the whole cave erupted with cheers.

  “YEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”

  Everybody started cheering and hugging and jumping and teleporting and hissing.

  Then all the gnomes came out and were welcomed with open arms by all the Minecraft mob villagers.

  And they all lived happily ever after.

  Yeah right. . .

  Actually, the mob villagers were still a little freaked out by the creepy looking gnomes coming to life.

  And they weren’t too happy that the gnomes destroyed our village.

  But Laslow jumped in and promised that he and his gnome companions were going to fix the village all up again.

  And so that made things a little better.

  But I don’t think we’re going to be having any gnomes over for dinner anytime soon.

  Friday

  Well, the gnomes started rebuilding our village today.

  Except, I don’t think it’s going to look like it did before.

  I think maybe it was the round doors and the mushroom house tops.

  But I guess it’s okay.

  And I totally didn’t mind the big green pipes in the middle of the street.

 
The good thing is that my mom and dad, and my little brother Wesley are back safe at home.

  I was really worried because I thought the Red Pumpkin got them.

  But I found out later that the gnomes left Wesley’s school alone.

  I heard they were overwhelmed by the destructive might of the Pre-school Chicken jockeys.

  Franklin didn’t remember anything that happened.

  He even called me today and said he wanted me to come over.

  He said he wanted me to come over and play his favorite game, find my belly button.

  Yeah, I let it go to voicemail.

  But you know, I still get the creeps every time I remember Mabel’s last words.

  “MINECRAFT WILL BE MOM FRIENDLY ONE DAY!”

  Whreewwww. Gives me shivers every time I think about it.

  The whole episode didn’t scare Alex away, though.

  She decided to stay in my school, even after everything that happened with crazy Mabel.

  Yeah, Alex is one cool girl.

  And I know what you’re thinking.

  But I don’t think I should go there.

  That’s because there’s a crazy prophecy that said if a human and Zombie ever got married, then it would mean the end of the world as we know it.

  And I’m trying to reduce the drama in my life, remember?

  But you know, even though I can add this whole episode to the long list of drama in my life. . .

  I think I’m okay with it now.

  Yeah, my life is crazy, bonkers with a whole lot of weird and a few nuts thrown in.

  But, you know, it kinda makes my life way more interesting.

  And compared to living a boring zombie preteen life, I think I’m okay with a little drama in my life. . .