Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale

by S.P. Cervantes

  I can hear faint voices all around me, but can’t see anything. It is like I am entombed in a tunnel of darkness with no way out. I try to move my body, but it won’t listen. My mouth will not say the words I am trying so hard to make come out. People are asking if I’m dead, and all I want to do is let them know I am in here. I am alive…I think. Panic begins to take over and I can feel myself slowly drift out of consciousness.

  I feel like I am floating above my dreams as I hear conversations going on around me as if I’m not here. Why are people treating me as if I am not in the room with them?

  “I don’t care what you have to do, Dave.” Holden’s voice is deep and threatening. “You get that bastard down to the station. He has been threatening Camryn since he came back to town. There is no doubt in my mind that Waters is behind this. Brakes don’t just go out like that. You and I both know this was no accident.”

  I struggle to open my eyes and make sense of what I am hearing. Holden can’t be talking about Jake. He is putting my girls in danger if he tells my secret. I begin to hear a fast paced beeping sound, and a panicked commotion begin to stir around me. Ugh! I wish I could open my eyes.

  “What the fuck is going on?” Holden’s voice is frantic. “Nurse? Someone help! Anyone!”

  There is more clattering and beeping sounds. Fear is taking over and I can hardly breathe. What is happening? Why can’t I open my eyes?

  I feel someone take my hand. Holden—it has to be Holden. “Baby, please don’t leave me. I need you.” Lips touch mine, seemingly sending breath into my body. Just as quickly as they met mine, they were ripped away and cold sterile hands are on me.

  “I love you, Camryn,” are the last words I hear before slipping back into darkness.

  Chapter Ten

  I am allowed to leave the hospital today after two weeks of hell. The hospital has to be the worst place ever to recover from anything. Every five minutes someone has been poking or sticking things in me to see if I am better. Yes, I have a few broken bones and internal bleeding, but I need to be home, with my family, with Holden. I was unconscious for three days after my accident and placed in a medically-induced coma so some of my injuries could heal. My dad and Holden never left my side, and Marcus has even been staying at my dad’s house so that the girls could visit me every day. I feel lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love me, but it also fills me with fear about the danger they are all now in by just being near me.

  I have no doubt my accident was a result of my article in the New Yorker. The amount of attention that I was getting for the piece had to have made Jake nervous. Although I still hadn’t admitted publicly that I, too, was a victim, many had already assumed that was the case. Even Matt Lauer had asked me on my visit to the Today Show the day of my accident.

  The major problem with the investigation right now is that there were no security cameras at the station. They were all destroyed during Sandy and had still not been replaced. Jake also seemed to have a rock solid alibi for the entire day, spending it in Washington DC with his dad. Holden’s only other explanation for his involvement in the accident is that he thinks Jake must have put someone up to it. Holden is determined to find out who is to blame.

  I am still burning with anger over the fact that Holden took it upon himself to make Marcus and Dave privy to my secret. He said they promised to never speak a word to me or anyone about it, but I wished he hadn’t gone that far. First of all, he was only putting me and the girls in more danger by telling them, but now I have this guilt hanging over me like a lead cloud that Marcus had to hear about it from Holden.

  On the positive side, it made me a little happy to see that Marcus and Holden were able to come together with me down and out, rather than battle it out. It is better for the girls to see them as a united front.

  Holden turns us in to his driveway, and Marcus pulls up right next to us. I look over at Holden and smile, happy to be home. “Thanks for everything, Holden.” I run my fingers along his jawline. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  He strokes my hand and kisses it gently. “Good thing you’ll never have to know.” He winks playfully at me and smiles. “Stay there, babe. I’ll come around and get you.”

  I look out my window to see Marcus walking the girls up the steps to Holden’s house, opening the door with a key on his own key ring. Why does he have a key to Holden’s house? Holden is at my door, helping me out when he notices the confused look on my face. “Listen, I wanted to wait until I have you inside to tell you everything, so just zip it up and follow me.”

  I am too tired and weak to argue, so I submit, and wrap my arms around Holden’s shoulders, letting him carry me up the steps to his house. He places me down once we cross the threshold and I take a few unsteady steps to find Marcus at the refrigerator, getting out juice for the girls and toys scattered over the floor in the den. There are pictures drawn by the girls placed along the wall as if displayed at an art event.

  “Mommy, Mommy, come see the room Daddy made for us. We get to stay at Holden’s now, too. We have our very own room!” Sophie was bopping up and down with excitement and disappears around the corner.

  I look up at Holden, and then over to Marcus, who is smiling, watching the girls disappear down the hallway. “You did this for them? Together?” I look back and forth between these two amazing men. Both have broken my heart at one time or another, and both I love wholeheartedly.

  Marcus smiles sheepishly. “You can’t be alone for a while, and your dad is really in no condition to care for you the way you need to be. Holden and I came to an agreement. I want what’s best for our girls. Being here with you is what’s best, and I know I can trust Holden to take care of my babies when I’m not here.”

  I’m not able to hold back my tears at his selflessness. He’s done so many selfish things to me while we were splitting up, but now I am sure more than ever it was more for self-preservation than anything else. I am sure deep down inside, Marcus has always known my heart belonged to Holden.

  Holden releases his grip on me, and I reach over and give Marcus a hug. He smiles, taking me gently into his arms. “Thank you, Marcus. Thank you for being such a great person. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be the father of my girls.”

  Marcus kisses my cheek. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

  “Mommy, where are youuuuuu?” Sophie’s voice echoes down the hallway.

  “Coming, sweetheart.”

  I turn, looking back up at Holden, and smile. “You have some explaining to do, mister. What if I didn’t want to stay here with you? This is a big step, you know.”

  “We can talk later. But one thing you can be sure of is this: now that I have you here, don’t you ever think I am going to let you go. You. Are. Mine.” He kisses me deeply and sweeps me off my feet, following Marcus to see the girls’ new room.

  It is so nice to be back with Holden and the girls after spending so many nights alone since the accident. The scene I walked in on in his office before the crash is a distant memory as the fear over my accident took center stage. I still can’t believe that Jake had actually tried to kill me. Over time, I have begun to wonder if Jake’s attack on me all those years ago was a fluke. I began to wonder if maybe he was on drugs and acted crazily that night. Before I got the letter, I began to believe that maybe he had changed, that maybe he wasn’t the scary monster I had made him up to be in my head for all these years. Holden’s extensive background checks and surveillance only amplified those feelings. But who else could be doing all of these things? Holden and Dave still couldn’t find any connection between my accident and Jake. There were no fingerprints, no eyewitnesses, nothing pointing to him and my faulty brakes. I can’t decide if it is safer to have the girls close, or back in the city with Marcus, but apparently that decision has already been made for me.

  Holden has music softly playing and places me down on the couch. He is wearing gray track pants that hang dangerously low, revealing my favorite part of his
body below the hem of his snug black T-shirt. Even though my body is riddled with pain, it is reacting to the sight of him in a way that is uncontrollable. The room is lit only by the candles on the fireplace, making my surroundings seem more like a dream than reality. My time in the hospital was so depressing, so sterile, and not at all comforting. Being here with Holden and the girls is like being wrapped in a fluffy cashmere blanket of love.

  He stands above me, looking down with a playful smile. “I can almost hear the questions swimming in your head. Not tonight, babe, okay?” He bends down and kisses my forehead before sliding in behind me and wrapping his body delicately around mine. “I just want to lay here with you in my arms and do nothing but be together. Tomorrow I will update you on the investigation, assure you of my plans to keep you and the girls safe, and calm your fears. But right now, all I want to do is make you know that what you saw between Bridgette and me before the accident was nothing but bad timing. I want you to know how much I love you.”

  I turn my head to look up at him and my eyes meet his. “I don’t care what happened with you and Bridgette. I didn’t care when the accident happened. It hurt—of course it hurt to see her with you like that. But I trust you, Holden. I realized that night, that I really do trust you with my heart. I believe you when you tell me you love me.”

  He lets out a deep sigh and presses his lips to the top of my head. If it wasn’t for my broken foot and ribs, I would have flipped around on top of him and showed him just how much I really do forgive him, but I can’t. All I have right now are my words. Just when I am about to speak, “Dust to Dust” comes on. I giggle to myself and close my eyes, thinking of how this song made me realize my true feelings for Holden.

  “God, I love this song,” Holden whispers.

  “This was the song I was listening to right before my accident,” I say quietly, not expecting the emotion that came with my words.

  “I’ll change it. I don’t want you upset tonight.” Holden begins to wiggle out from behind me.

  I press my hands into his thighs, stilling his movements. “No, don’t. I love this song, too. It makes me think of you…of us.”

  He sweetly brushes my hair out of my eyes and kisses my nose. “Me too. It’s like it was written just for us.”

  We sit there in silence for a few minutes listening to the words, growing closer and closer to each other with each verse. Holden is softly tracing circles along my stomach while he quietly sings the words into my ear. His voice is hauntingly beautiful, sending chills through my body and straight to my heart.

  I slide my injured body up the side of his and softly kiss the bottom of his lip. He looks down at me with hooded eyes that say more than his words could. He lifts me carefully and brings me in for a deeper kiss. His is soft and searching at first, as if he is memorizing each crease of my lips. The gentle way he strokes my face as he inhales me with each kiss is making me melt into him. All the aches and pains I felt seconds ago are erased with the desire building inside me.

  I pull back, needing to tell Holden everything I have been too afraid to before. “I love you, Holden. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, and that terrifies me.”

  “Don’t be afraid, Cam. I’m not going to hurt you.” His deep green eyes search mine. “You complete me. My life means nothing without you. When I thought I lost you…just the thought of my life without you in it, even for a second, was killing me.”

  “That’s what I’m talking about, Holden. Doesn’t that scare you….loving me that much?”

  “Not even a little bit,” he answers confidently.

  “I never realized how lonely I was when you left until you came back to me, Holden. It was as if you were sent to me all those years ago because we belong together. But loving you the way I do scares me. I don’t want it to, but it does.”

  “Dust to dust, Cam. Dust to dust.”

  I know exactly what he means…what John Paul and Joy mean. I need to burn down my walls; they have kept me from happiness for too long.

  “Dust to dust,” I whisper back and press my lips once again to his.

  I trace my fingertips along the edge of his pants while I pour my heart into our kiss. I need this; I need him. I want Holden to incinerate the last wall I have up between us and finally mend the gaping hole that has plagued me all these years. Tears well in my eyes as my heart feels like it is going to burst out of my chest.

  Holden pulls away quickly and wipes a tear away with his thumb. “I’m so sorry, Cam. Did I hurt you? I got carried away. I’ve just missed having you in my arms.”

  “I’m fine, not hurt at all. Well, other than the obvious.” I laugh at myself, feeling ridiculous that I am actually crying because of how much I love him.

  “Then why are you crying?” he asks, stroking my face with his fingers.

  “I’m a dork, you know that.” I smile, feeling like a silly schoolgirl again. He looks at me, confused. “It’s just—I’m happy. Like super happy. They’re happy tears.”

  Holden’s whole face lights up, something that rarely happens. “Well, I guess that makes me super-duper happy then.” He sweeps me up in his arms. “Can I take you to our room if I promise to be extra special careful?” Holden’s mouth begins to trace little kisses behind my ear. I can’t help but giggle like a schoolgirl again.

  “Our room? I like the sound of that.” I really do. I run my fingers through his hair, guiding him back up to meet my mouth. “I like the sound of that a lot.”

  I wake up in bed alone, pulling the soft blue comforter up under my chin, taking a moment to relish in the awesomeness that was last night. Is that even a word? I don’t give a shit—I’m happy. I knew Holden wanted to make sure that he was already up and in the living room when the girls wake up this morning, not wanting them to feel uncomfortable with us sleeping together. Not that we did much sleeping last night. Not much sleeping at all. I can’t keep the smile off my face thinking about the loving, patient way he made love to me last night. It was if it was our first time all over again, discovering new, and dare I say creative, ways to connect with each other. Holden was afraid of hurting me with nearly every part of my body being riddled with some sort of ailment. None of that matters when I am with him. It is as if every kiss, every touch, is healing me from the inside out. Last night, he made me forget that someone had just tried to kill me and made me feel nothing but pleasure and love.

  I hobble out to the kitchen to find Holden sitting with the girls, already eating their breakfast. The smile on my face grows wider, hearing them laugh at something Holden says in a whisper to them. Holden looks up from the girls and his playful smile turns serious. He surprisingly shoots up from his stool and runs over to me.

  “Why didn’t you text me when you were up like I told you to? You are not going to get better if you don’t get your rest.”

  I roll my eyes, but still can’t help but smile as Holden sweeps me off my feet. “Actually, I will get better by getting up and moving around. It’s actually what the doctor ordered. So you can put me down and let me walk over to my two cuties and give them a kiss.” I kiss his cheek, and then slap his head when he tries to set me on the couch. “If you’re not going to put me down, will you at least bring me to the kitchen with my girls please?”

  Holden gives me a menacing smile. “Maybe I just like having you in my arms this way.” Why does he always know the perfect things to say?

  Ellie and Sophie waste no time spending breakfast filling me in on all of the things I missed while being cooped up in the hospital. Sophie fills me in on the recent episodes of Sofia the First that I’ve missed—riveting information—and Ellie passionately describes the injustices that have been occurring on the handball court at school.

  “But guess what, Mommy? When Uncle Holden and Daddy both showed up together to talk to my teacher about Patti pushing me every time she loses, Bishop Gibbons finally called her in and she got detention. I think Bishop Gibbons was scared of them. Daddy and Holden are b
est friends now, too; they told me so. I even saw them high-five when they left the office.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “They gave each other a high five, huh?” I kiss the top of Ellie’s head. “I bet they were just happy that you won’t be picked on anymore.”

  “I think they were just happy they beat Bishop Gibbons. I think Daddy said he was a hypocritical son of a—”

  Holden quickly interrupts before she could finish the phrase with guilt across his face. “Uh, of course we were just happy that Patti won’t be pushing you around anymore, sweetie.”

  Nice try. All I can do was continue to smile because after all that I’ve been through this year, it’s hard to believe that my personal life seems to have fallen into place so easily after it has been turned upside down. Holden and Marcus were able to keep my family together when I couldn’t and I am proud of them for that. Especially Holden.

  But as quickly as my happiness peaks, it is sucked away with doubt. This is all fun and games right now with Holden, but he has no idea what it is like to take on two young girls night and day. Sure, he has been around us a lot over the past year, but not for the middle of the night wakeups with wetting the bed, or nightmares, or puking. He hasn’t had to come home after a long day of work to deal with homework and temper tantrums day after day. He’s the confident, uber-successful, disgustingly sexy superhero helping restore the Shore. Not some father and husband wiping snot off some kid’s face.

  “Whatever you’re sitting there thinking about right now, Camryn, stop.” Holden is scowling at me from across the table and I try to give him a look like I have no idea what he is talking about. Just as I am about to defend myself and make up a lie, he cuts me off. “Nope. Don’t even try to spew out some excuse. I know you too well, and I know that look.”