Falling Through Darkness

by Kira Berger

  “Fucking hell,” I whisper, shocked at the vision in front of me. I was prepared for the tubes and bandages, she was shot after all, but I didn’t expect the bruises and cuts on her face.

  My head drops to her hand, the picture in front of me nearly breaking me. The guilt I’ve been able to suppress ever since I stepped foot into the hospital comes crashing back, threatening to swallow me whole. I should have been there, I should have never left the school. I thought she’d be protected due to the doors being locked after hours. I didn’t think she’d follow me outside.

  This is all my fault.

  I might not have been the one to hurt her, but I was the one who caused her to be out in the open unprotected.

  Sorrow and guilt collide inside of me, the combination too overwhelming, I finally let the tears I’ve been holding back for hours fall.

  “I’m sorry, gorgeous. So sorry…” I whisper while I let the tears fall on her hand.

  I can hear the nurse and Luna talk in the background, but I don’t pay attention. I can still see her battered face in my mind.

  Suddenly, a hand lands on my shoulder and squeezes. I know it’s Luna trying to give me comfort. “It’s gonna be fine, honey.”

  I don’t respond but lift my head to look at the woman I love with everything I am, and I wait.

  I wait to look into her deep green eyes the color of the forest in spring and finally be able to tell her I love her. I wait to hear her voice again, to hear her tell me trivial shit about hippos I don’t really care about.

  And I wait to be able to hold her in my arms again and never let go.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  He’s calling to me.

  He calls my name over and over. The anguish in his voice pains me, but I don’t know how to make it better. I can’t reach him, and every time I try, the excruciating pain is back.

  Everything hurts.

  I don’t think I’ve ever hurt this badly.

  Why do I hurt so badly?

  But regardless of the pain, I keep trying to reach him. The need to comfort him and erase the ache is strong—strong enough to not care about my own pain.

  So, I fight to the surface, I fight against the abyss trying to keep me locked in the darkness.

  I moan in pain when I break through the barrier keeping me locked inside the emptiness. The pain is so strong, for a moment I wish I didn’t leave the void, that is until I can feel my hand being squeezed and the rough voice I love so much say from somewhere next to me, “Alex? Please, open your eyes, gorgeous. I need to see those beautiful green eyes of yours.”

  It’s enough to pull me toward him. To fight against the pain and see him again. The light flooding my sight blinds me for a moment. When they adjust, all I see are the gorgeous blue eyes I’ve longed to see for what feels like forever.

  “Oh, thank God.” The eyes filling my vision smile and I can feel hands on my face, gently cupping my cheek. “You have no idea how happy it makes me to see your beautiful eyes,” he says, and I can see tears shimmering in his eyes. I try to smile but flinch at the sudden pain.

  I open my mouth to ask one of the thousand questions clouding my mind, but he interrupts me by rocking my world. “I love you.” My eyes widen in shock. I remember what happened, everything up until I was put on that gurney, and I did not in a million years expect him to lead with this. I expected him to yell or reprimand me for being an idiot, not tell me he loves me.

  This is so much better.

  He gives me a quick, gentle kiss before he leans back, his fingers lightly brushing my cheek. “I love you so much I don’t know what to do with it most of the time. I should have told you two days ago instead of walking away like that. I promise you, I’ll never do that to you again.”

  I’m confused more than ever. Two days? How long was I unconscious?

  “What do you mean two days ago?” My voice comes out all scratchy and rough like I’ve been smoking a pack a day for years. “What happened?”

  “You’ve been unconscious for two days, gorgeous.” His smile conveys just how relieved he is that I’m awake. “What do you remember?” he asks, his carefulness obvious.

  “Well, I remember us fighting. Me running after you.” I look away for a second, feeling guilty for the things I said. “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

  “I know, babe. I shouldn’t have walked away like that, even if my only intention was to give you some room to breathe for a couple hours. But we can’t change the past, so how about we let it go and move on, okay?”

  “Okay,” I readily agree. Moving on sounds good.

  “Good, what else do you remember?” Duncan asks.

  “Well, I woke up in a room handcuffed to a metal chair after Kendra knocked me out with something. That’s when it gets a bit hazy though. I remember her hitting me, talking crazy… I think… I think she killed Niall, Duncan.” I look at him, hoping he can confirm what I think I remember.

  “Well, he’s dead. Been dead for about two months now according to Brendan’s contact in London. They didn’t think he died of anything but natural causes, but after the police here spoke to Kendra, I think the guys in London will be reexamining his death. But I’m not sure, I wasn’t really listening to everything, to be honest.”

  “Okay,” I say, trying to process this. “So, it’s over?” After all this time, I don’t know what to do with this information. I’ve spent so much time terrified, it’s like I forgot what it feels like to not have to be afraid anymore.

  “Yes. It’s over,” he reassures me with a steadfast smile.

  Unlike his, I can feel my smile trembling. But I force the tears of relief back and try to remember the rest of that ordeal. “Good. I, well, I remember she shot me, and Brendan showing up, but the rest is a blur. You said that was two days ago? How did Brendan find me? And where is Kendra now?”

  “Well,”—He looks away from me, a guilty expression on his face. What’s he not telling me?—“Just remember this is how Brendan found you. I had him install a tracking device on your phone. You don’t go anywhere without that thing. It’s how he found you and saved your life.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief. “I’m not mad, just glad he found me and saved my life. I don’t care what you guys did to keep me safe. All I’m concentrating on is that I’m still here to see you smile at me again and hear you tell me you love me.” I lift my hand and slowly trace his cheekbone, something I thought I’d never be able to do again, and something I’ll now treasure for the rest of my life.

  “As for Kendra,” he continues while leaning into my touch, “she’s in police custody. I’m not sure what’s going to happen to her, and I don’t care, but I know Brendan will make sure she’s going to prison for a long time, if not here then back in the UK. Don’t doubt that.”

  “Okay,” I say. I don’t really care as long as she’s far away from me.

  “Alex—” he starts to say but is interrupted by the door opening and a tall woman in a white coat walking in.

  “Alex, it’s good to see you’re awake. I’m Dr. Holloway, your doctor. How are you feeling today?”

  “I’m fine, I think. I mean my face is hurting a bit and my chest, but not unbearable,” I tell her.

  “That’s good. The painkillers are working then. Your injuries were pretty severe,” Dr. Holloway says, and then keeps going to explain in great detail just what happened to me. It’s a minor miracle I’m still breathing. And it sounds like it’s going to take a long time to recover from being shot in the chest. But I’ll heal, it’s the one thought I cling to. After that she checked my wound and bandages before she leaves again.

  “Duncan—” I try, but this time I’m interrupted by the door opening. When I reluctantly look at who walked in, I smile widely, not caring my lip hurts like a motherfucker.

  “Luna, Tom! You’re here.”

  “Of course, we are, sweetie. We came as soon as Brendan called us. You have some amazing friends here. How are you feeling?” Luna says
while she hurries to my bedside, the one Duncan isn’t occupying. Tom follows her more sedately.

  The lines on their faces show how exhausting and worrisome the last couple days must have been. “I’m fine,” I tell them. “The painkillers they’re giving me are marvelous.”

  “Good, honey,” Tom says.

  “Really, guys, get those sad looks off your faces, I’m going to be just fine.”

  “Yes, you are. I’ll make sure of it,” Duncan pipes up from next to me.

  Over the next few hours, Duncan and I barely get a chance to chat; I have so many visitors come in to see me. Not just Luna and Tom, but Emma and Brendan—who explains to me what will happen to Kendra. I don’t really care what happens to her as long as she’s not anywhere near me. And even Duncan’s parents showed up unexpectedly. They flew in from Florida when Brendan told them what happened. I assume to check on their boys and see just who the hell their son got tangled up with. I felt bad for having dragged him into my mess, and I tried to apologize to them after they introduced themselves, but they waved my apology off, saying they trust their son and if he loved me then so will they. A statement which caused the tears of gratitude to start flowing.

  It has all been quite overwhelming. By the end of it my eyes were drooping, and I have trouble staying awake. Duncan notices immediately and kicks them all out, telling them to come back tomorrow.

  He sits back down next to me and grabs my hand. I squeeze it, gratitude and love filling my body for what he has done for me all day. He’s never left me alone, staying close when he could tell things got to be too much, giving me space when I needed it, even if it was just by standing next to the window.

  I untangle my hand from his and slowly lift it to lay against his cheek. Finally, I’ve been waiting all day to say what I wanted to say ever since he told me he loved me. “I love you, Duncan,” I whisper. “I have pretty much since you took care of me that first Friday night, even when I wouldn’t admit to it. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You probably deserve so much better than me.” He opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t let him, instead I keep going. “But I’ll never let you go. You’re the one illuminating all the dark places inside of me. You’re the reason why I can finally see past the darkness that eclipsed my existence for so long.

  “I’m done being afraid. I’m done letting my past define my future. I don’t care if you come to your senses at some point down the line and figure out you deserve a lot more, I’ve decided to jump and hope you catch me. And I’m going to enjoy the fall for as long as it lasts because I don’t want to live without you.”

  “And you never have to,” Duncan interrupts my rambling. “You’re everything I’ll ever want or need, you and your quirky obsession with sea creatures, well except for sharks. You’re it for me, you hear? I’ll never want anyone else.”

  He gently cups my cheek and stares deep into my eyes before he completely rocks my world. “You’re mine. Always and forever.”

  With nothing else to say, I whisper, “Okay,” in a rough voice filled with longing even I can hear.

  “Now go to sleep,” he tells me while he kisses me gently on the lips.

  “Okay,” I say one more time before I drift off to a surprisingly peaceful and dreamless sleep.

  ***

  The next few weeks are filled with exams, and more exams, making sure I’m healing up nicely after the surgery. They’re also filled with pain, but less so every day. I was released from the hospital a little over a week after being shot, but instead of going to my place, Duncan drove to his and gave me shit when I tried to tell him I could go home. I mean I couldn’t really be by myself, but it’s fun giving him shit for his highhandedness. I know he just means well and is in no way controlling, but I have to keep him on his toes.

  It’s about three weeks after everything went down when Duncan and I are lying in bed with me cuddled against his broad chest. His fingers are lazily drawing circles on my shoulder, when out of the blue he asks, “Are you happy?”

  I move my head to look at him. I can see he’s serious like he’s genuinely curious and doesn’t already know the answer.

  “Yes, I am. I haven’t been this happy, ever,” I tell him. “I’ll always miss my family. They left a hole in my soul that will never be filled, but you have made it possible for me to move on and finally find myself again. So yes, I’m happy—unbelievably happy. All because of you.”

  I kiss him to show him just how happy I am to be here in his arms. I break the kiss and lie my head back down on his chest. I listen to his heartbeat, a steady rhythm reassuring me that he’s here and not planning on going anywhere.

  “How about you? Are you happy?” I ask, my voice all of a sudden timid.

  His response is instant. “Yes, never been happier.”

  “I’m glad,” is my only response while a smile forms on my face.

  His arms wrap around my me and give me a gentle squeeze, mindful of my injuries. “I love you, Alex. Now, tomorrow, always.”

  “I love you, too, Duncan.”

  “Good. I’ll remind you next time I leave the toilet seat up,” he jokes, his chest shaking slightly as he chuckles at his own joke. But I know we’ll fight, have disagreements, but above all, I’ll always remember this moment, in his bed, feeling safe and happy after living a nightmare for years.

  He’s it for me, and I’ll be damned if anything or anyone will ever take him away from me.

  Epilogue

  We’re surrounded by the mountains; a view I’ve grown up with and gives me peace every time I picture it in my mind. The sun is shining down on us, glistening off the lake in the distance, and the trees surrounding us on three sides not only shelter us but give a sense of serenity. Like the mountains and trees are doing their best to keep every bit of bad energy at bay and protect you from evil.

  It’s a beautiful sight.

  Duncan’s hand is slowly stroking up and down my back soothing me and giving me comfort at the same time. “You grew up surrounded by beauty.”

  “Yeah, I loved growing up here. We’d spend our weekends walking in the forest building fairy castles, or hiking, or skiing—that was my favorite. Oliver and I would usually end up racing one another, giving my mom a heart attack.” I smile through the tears brimming in my eyes at the happy memories filling my mind.

  We’re standing in front of three headstones with Duncan’s arm around me, giving me strength. I stare at the inscriptions on my family’s graves for the first time since they died over a year ago.

  “Thank you for coming with me,” I say, giving his waist a squeeze.

  “You’re welcome. I’m glad you asked me to come.”

  “I don’t think I could have done this alone. But I needed to see them.”

  “I know, and I’ll always be here for you if you need me.”

  I turn in his arms to embrace him, soaking up his strength. “I know. They’d have loved you so much. I think that’s the hardest part, knowing they’ll never know just what an amazing man I met. Do you… do you think it’s weird for me to believe they sent me to you so I can heal after what happened?”

  “No, I don’t think it’s weird.” I can feel him shrug underneath my touch. “Your parents loved you, and if it’s possible, I have no doubt they’re still looking out for you.”

  I smile against his chest at this. I know for a fact he doesn’t believe in the afterlife, but he’ll reassure me like this just to make me happy. “Thanks, Duncan.”

  I sigh deeply while I keep looking at my family’s graves, lost in thought. For the last nine months, ever since Kendra nearly killed me, I’ve been seeing a therapist—Dr. Cornwell—to help me with what she calls my PTSD. She’s taught me how to cope with everything that has happened—Niall, my family’s death, Kendra—and she finally helped me realize that none of it was my fault. I have no control over other people and their actions.

  I’m still dealing with nightmares every now and then, but each time Dunca
n is there to wake me up and reassure me that neither one of them can ever hurt me again. Niall is dead and Kendra is in jail, thanks to Brendan.

  Yet, to fully heal I need closure and to finally come to terms with my family’s death. I need to let go of the guilt I’ve been carrying around with me for so long. It was my therapist who recommended this trip back home to find closure.

  “I think Dr. Cornwell was right, being here actually helps.” And I mean it. I can feel some of the heavy weight lift, letting me breathe easy for the first time in over a year. It’s not all gone, and I have a feeling it will be a while before I can fully leave everything behind me, but it’s a first step. Probably the most important one.

  “You haven’t had a nightmare in two months, gorgeous. So, I’d say you’re right about that,” he says while dropping a quick kiss on the crown of my head.

  Shocked, I look up at him. After all this time, I’m still not used to him paying attention and noticing small details like this. “You kept count?”

  “Of course. When it comes to you, I’ll always pay attention.” He leans down and kisses me softly, showing me with one simple gesture just how true his words are.

  “I love you,” I tell him while tracing his jaw with my fingers.

  “And you know I love you.”

  “I know,” I whisper, and I do. I know this to the bottom of my heart. He’s shown me this constantly over the last months, ever since that fateful night I was rushed to the hospital. It hasn’t been an easy road, but Duncan has been by my side for it all. He’s comforted me when I would wake up during the night drenched in sweat, he’s calmed me down when a panic attack would hit me in the beginning, and he’s made me laugh when the sadness would slam into me. Through it all, he hasn’t wavered, not for one second, showing me his love with every hug, kiss, or word of encouragement.