Everything We Are

by Janci Patterson

  “And that’s why I’m not going to tell her. Not until I’m sure I can handle the rejection without putting a needle in my vein.”

  Gabby is quiet for a moment, and I regret dumping this on her. I wonder if, deep down, I’m doing this as a kind of trial run. Gabby is my sister, and she’s loved me through all the shit I’ve done.

  I need to know if this is the thing that convinces her I’m not worthy of forgiveness.

  “I love you,” she says finally.

  Tears creep into my eyes. “Am I doing the wrong thing?” Keeping this huge thing from the woman I love. The woman who trusts me. The guilt gnaws at me, and yet—

  “No,” Gabby says. “No, that actually makes sense. You have to put your sobriety first, right?”

  “Yeah. But I’ll tell her. I will,” I say, assuring myself as much as Gabby. “I just need a little more time.”

  Gabby puts her arms around me, and I squeeze her back. Somehow I know she’s thinking the same thing I’ve thought so many times. It could have been me someone found lying cold and dead.

  “I’m not going back to the drugs,” I say.

  “You better not.”

  “I won’t.” I take another deep breath. “I have practice today. Do you want to come and meet Jenna?”

  Her face brightens. “Can I?”

  “Sure. Just don’t give away to the rest of the band that you know about us.”

  “I think I can handle that.”

  We both smile. I’ve done so much stupid, hurtful stuff in my life. I don’t deserve to have a sister like her, but I’ll take it.

  Eighteen

  Felix

  Gabby and I arrive at practice just as Roxie pulls up on her motorcycle. She takes off her helmet, her pink hair tumbling down on the unshaved side. Gabby’s eyes are wide as she takes in Roxie’s outfit, which today includes shiny leather pants with suspenders (that judging by the tightness of the pants are not serving any functional purpose) over what looks like a child-size Sailor Moon t-shirt. Roxie waves at me. “Hey, Felix.”

  “Hey Roxie. How are your feet?”

  She glowers at me. “The damn cream worked.”

  I smile. “This is my sister Gabby. She came to watch practice.”

  Roxie nods at her and we all head into the studio. Leo must have heard us coming down the stairs, because he stands in front of Roxie’s drum set with his chest puffed out, sporting his anticipated alligator boots and vest. He’s not wearing a shirt under the vest, and his tattoo of the Louisiana state flag—which for some reason involves a bunch of pelicans—can be half-seen over his left pectoral.

  I probably should have given Gabby some warning about these two, but it’s kind of hilarious watching her eyes get increasingly larger.

  “Good god,” Roxie says to Leo. “You look like you should be narrating the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland.”

  Leo grins as if this is a compliment. “Next time I go home I’ll shoot one for you, and I’ll name her Roxie.”

  Roxie looks incredulous. “Why would I want you to shoot an alligator named Roxie?”

  Jenna comes down the stairs behind us, and the sound of her voice raises goosebumps on my neck. “Is he on about that again? He told me he was going to shoot an alligator named Jenna and I told him he sounded like a serial killer.”

  Jenna’s wearing a short white cotton dress with a studded black belt and black motorcycle boots, and she’s carrying June and my bow. I set down my broken cello case—which I decided to bring at the last minute, because until I pick up my spare case, it’s better than nothing—and take my cello from her with a murmured, “Thanks.”

  I smile at her and she smiles coyly back at me. I don’t have to read her mind to know she’s thinking about last night.

  “I told you I’d name her Jennifer,” Leo says. “As payback to all the people who think that’s your real name.”

  Jenna shrugs. “I do hate that.” Her eyes land on Gabby.

  “Gabby,” I say. “This is Jenna Rollins. Jenna, my sister Gabby.”

  Leo raises an eyebrow. “What, you bring a hot girl to practice and I don’t get an introduction?”

  Roxie glares daggers at Leo, and Gabby looks shocked.

  “Hey,” I say. “Did you not hear the part where she’s my sister?”

  “And taken,” Gabby adds.

  Leo shrugs, like this matters not at all, which I imagine it doesn’t, because I’d lay odds he’s not actually interested in Gabby as much as in making Roxie jealous.

  And it appears to be working.

  “It’s so good to meet you,” Jenna says, just as Ty catapults down the stairs from behind her. He’s back in his ‘grown-up’ attire today. I wonder how many sweater vests this kid has—the thought of his closet packed full of them makes me grin. “Felix!” he shouts. “Look how far I am in Angry Birds!”

  “Hey!” Jenna says. “Did you pass me up again?”

  Ty hides behind me, clutching his iPad.

  “Oh, no,” I say. “I am not getting in the middle of this.”

  Alec comes down the stairs just as Ty ducks under my arm and starts showing me all of his Angry Birds accomplishments. “And in this next one,” Ty says, pointing at the screen, “the pigs have built a boat, and it fills the entire lake they’re in, which is kind of silly because they can’t sail it anywhere. Unless it flies, too, like the—” Ty cuts off and looks up at me in alarm, and I know he’s thinking about Superpope.

  “I don’t know anything about flying vehicles of any kind,” I say.

  Ty grins.

  I look up to see both Gabby and Jenna smiling at me like I’m in one of those pictures of cats cuddling goats.

  Alec clears his throat. “We ready to start?” He picks up his guitar from its stand and starts tuning without even looking at Gabby. I shrug at her. I told her she’d get to see what the band is like and, well, here it is.

  Roxie is still glaring at Leo. She steps up behind him and begins grabbing at his vest.

  “Whoa,” Leo says. “Settle down, there.” He swats at her hands, but she grabs him by the waist.

  “Cut that out. I’m fixing your vest. It’s askew.”

  “What are you talking about?” Leo says. “This vest is hand- tailored. It doesn’t skew.”

  “Askew,” Roxie says.

  “Bless you,” Leo says.

  Roxie pulls on his vest so hard I think the buttons are going to pop. “Hold still.”

  “Oh. My. God,” Alec says. “Can we please just play?”

  His tone is even sharper than normal, and everyone turns to look at him. Gabby glances at me in alarm.

  “Just have a seat on the couch,” I tell her. “And welcome to practice.”

  Ty settles down right at my feet, and Gabby smiles like this is adorable. I wonder if this is what the goats feel like.

  Roxie is still petting Leo’s back in the name of straightening his vest.

  “Roxie!” Alec says. “Now. It’s like being in a damn limo on prom night in here. We’re here to work, not play.”

  Everyone falls silent. “Jeez, Alec,” Leo says, stepping away from Roxie. “What bug crawled up your butt?”

  Ty looks appalled. “Did a bug crawl up your butt, Alec? Does it tickle?”

  Both Jenna and I snicker. “I think Leo has a cream for that,” Jenna says, and I laugh.

  Alec glares at both of us, and Leo holds his arms out like he’s going to hug Alec. “Whatever’s bothering you, man, just let it all out.”

  “Ugh,” Roxie says. “Please, not one of your group bonding sessions. I really don’t want to hear about Alec’s feelings.”

  “Not now,” Alec says, and he turns to glare pointedly at Gabby.

  “Hey,” I say, but Gabby is already holding up her hands, starting to stand up from the couch.

 
“I can leave,” she says.

  “No,” Jenna says quickly, then softens her tone. “We want you to stay, Gabby. And we’re going to play.” She turns to Alec. “Let’s start with ‘Together.’ The bridge needed serious work.”

  Alec nods, and Roxie counts off.

  As we play, I try to shut out everything but the music, which isn’t easy since I’m playing a love song that the girl I want to be with is singing to another man. The song is about trying to align their lives so they still get to do the things they love, but now they’re doing them in tandem. I watch her while I play and try to imagine she means it for me. As she sings, she looks over at me and smiles, and my heart skips a beat.

  I love her, and while I haven’t quite gotten the courage to say those words to her, I think she might feel the same about me. So since I can’t sing it back to her like Alec can, I try to play it for her so she’ll know how much I mean it.

  When we finish a set, Jenna grins at me. “That’s sounding good!”

  She’s right. I’m blending better, and on the new cello parts, Leo and I are starting to adapt to each other. I’m changing the music like a rock parts a stream, and I can’t help but be proud of that.

  “All right,” Alec says. “Anything else we need to practice before we quit?”

  Jenna looks surprised. “We’re just getting started. We need to get through everything at least once, and there’s a couple that’ll probably need work. Did you have someplace to be?”

  “No,” Alec says. “That’s fine.”

  From the look on his face, it is definitely not fine. Clearly Alec needs to get stuff off his chest that he can’t say in Gabby’s presence, and I wonder if he wants to say in mine.

  “Why don’t Gabby and I go grab lunch?” I ask. “Since we’re going to be here another couple hours at least.”

  Gabby jumps up. “I can drive,” she says. Which she better, because I came with her.

  “That would be great,” Alec says.

  “Can I come, too?” Ty asks.

  “No, you stay,” Jenna says, but she’s glaring at Alec.

  I give Ty a small smile, and Gabby and I head up to her car.

  “Wow,” she says. “Is it always like that?”

  I climb in the passenger side. “It’s been escalating. I think my joining might have something to do with it.”

  She smiles at me. “Ty’s a cute kid.”

  “Yeah, he is. And don’t think I didn’t see you being all patronizingly happy that he and I are friends.”

  “You really are cool with it, though,” she says. “The kid thing.”

  “Yeah, totally.” And I realize it’s true. “It’s not just the idea of Ty I’m okay with—I genuinely like the kid. Even if he does think he’s some kind of invertebrate who can squeeze into small places.”

  “And Alec?” she asks. “That’s about you?”

  “Probably. I’m sure I’ll hear all about it sooner or later.”

  It turns out to be sooner rather than later. As we arrive back at the studio with bags full of deli sandwiches, Ty is sitting on the steps right outside the door, iPad in his hands.

  “They’re fighting,” he says gravely. “And Superpope would not like the words they’re saying.”

  Gabby looks worried, and I wave a hand at her. “Hey, Ty, you mind if Gabby stays here for a minute and watches you play?”

  “Sure!” Ty says. “This level has a shark in it!”

  “Oooh,” she says, sitting down on the steps next to him. “I haven’t gotten this far yet.”

  Gabby and I exchange worried looks, and then I step inside. I can hear Alec as soon as I open the door.

  “I’m not trying to kick him out of the band. I just want to have a meeting.”

  “I told you,” Jenna says. “We are not having a band meeting without Felix, because Felix is part of the band.”

  “We had band meetings without Mason,” Alec says. “Mason was part of the band.”

  “Mason was high,” Jenna says. “And also stealing from us. Felix is neither.”

  I pause at the top of the stairs, not sure if I should leave and let them finish, or go downstairs and let Alec say whatever he wants to say to my face.

  “Look,” Jenna says. “Felix and I are following your damn rules. And as long as that’s true, you have no reason to get in my face about it, any more than I did with you and the dozens of girls you’ve slept with since we broke up.”

  “Burn,” Leo says, and someone—I’m assuming Roxie—shushes him.

  “Clearly we need new rules,” Alec says. “No more flirting with members of the band.”

  I almost snort. Leo and Roxie would be the ones having the hardest time with that.

  “That’s ridiculous,” Jenna says. “Who gets to decide what flirting means, anyway?”

  “I’ll decide for you,” Alec says. “And you can decide for me.”

  “You don’t want to flirt with anyone in the band!” Jenna shouts. “You just want to tell me I can’t talk to Felix.”

  “Damn right, I do. In fact, here’s a better rule: you don’t talk to Felix. I’ll be the cello manager.”

  “The manager?” Jenna says, her incredulity echoing exactly what I’m feeling. “We have one cellist!”

  “You can manage Leo and Roxie,” Alec says. “So it’s fair.”

  “Hey,” Leo and Roxie both say at once.

  The idea that I’m going to let Alec be the cello manager is enough to propel me down the stairs. “Hey, guys,” I say. “What’s this about management? I thought Phil was the manager.”

  Jenna gives me an apologetic look, and then goes back to glaring at Alec. “He is. The only manager.”

  Alec raises his hands in the air. “Fine. Practice is over for today.” He storms up the stairs and I hear the door slam behind him.

  I hope Ty and Gabby got out of his way.

  Leo and Roxie look at Jenna, who sighs. “Yeah, go home, guys. We’ve got a couple more days before the performance. We’ll pick up where we left off tomorrow.”

  Leo and Roxie hurry up the stairs, leaving me alone with Jenna, whose arms drop helplessly at her sides.

  “I’m sorry about that,” she says.

  “I want to hug you so bad right now,” I say. “But that would kill our moral high ground about following Alec’s rules.”

  Jenna yells wordlessly at the ceiling and collapses onto the couch, while I go back upstairs to let Ty and Gabby in. A part of me wonders if I shouldn’t just step gracefully away from the band and let them get back to playing in peace.

  But one look over my shoulder back at Jenna, her head in her hands, her dark hair hiding her face, and I know I can’t.

  Nineteen

  Felix

  Ty, Gabby, and I join Jenna down in the studio, where Jenna is splayed out on the couch looking done with the world.

  “Ahhh,” I say. “You clearly need a hug. Gabby, hug her for me, please?”

  “I’ll hug her,” Ty says, and catapults himself on top of his mom.

  “Oof,” Jenna says.

  Gabby stands at the foot of the couch while I collapse into my chair next to June.

  “Do you need another hug?” Gabby asks.

  Jenna sighs. “Yeah, I think I could use one.”

  I was mostly joking, but it actually does help to watch Jenna and Gabby embrace on the couch, and then settle back next to each other like old friends. Almost like Jenna’s allowed to be part of my life.

  “I am so sorry about that,” Jenna says to Gabby. “Alec isn’t usually that bad.”

  “No, I’m sorry,” Gabby says.

  “You both need to stop apologizing,” I say. “Knowing the two of you, you’re going to get caught in some endless apology loop and we’ll all be here until the end of time.”

  “
Alec should apologize,” Ty says, settling onto the floor next to the couch with Angry Birds.

  “He should,” Jenna says, and looks over at me. “He wants to make a rule against flirting between members of the band.”

  “I heard,” I say. “I also heard he wants to be the cello manager.”

  “Just what you want, I’m sure.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her. “I am the first chair cello. I have always been the first chair cello. Whether there is one cello or twenty cellos, if there is a cello manager, it is me.”

  “And he’s humble about it, too,” Gabby says.

  Jenna smiles. “Yes. Always underplaying his own skill.”

  They laugh, and I figure I should be bothered, but it’s actually awesome to watch them bond over mocking me. Then I remember what Gabby heard last night, and my cheeks flush.

  Hopefully Gabby herself is too embarrassed to bring that up, even in the name of humiliating me.

  “It really is good to meet you,” Jenna says. “Felix speaks highly of you. And of your ability to keep secrets.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Gabby says. “I won’t tell anyone. The last thing I want is to make trouble for you guys.”

  Jenna looks up the stairs, and I know what she’s thinking. Trouble doesn’t need to come at us from without. It’s already brewing from within.

  “Do you want me to talk to him?” I ask.

  Jenna looks surprised. “You don’t have to. I’m fully capable of yelling at Alec on my own. I do it often enough.”

  “She does,” Ty says, not even looking up from his game.

  “I don’t mean yell at him,” I say. “Maybe I could just tell him we’re trying here, and ask him to cut us some slack.”

  Jenna considers this. “You would do that?”

  “Of course. If you think it would help.”

  “Well,” she says. “It can’t hurt.”

  Gabby nods her agreement, and Jenna turns to her. “So, tell me all the embarrassing stories about Felix.”

  Gabby’s eyes widen, and she looks at me. Her cheeks turn pink.

  Jenna gives her a curious look, and I know I have to get ahead of this.

  “My most embarrassing quality,” I say, “is clearly my inability to speak quietly on the phone in the middle of the night, wouldn’t you say, Gabby?”