I couldn’t stand this. I had to go.
I’d just opened my mouth tell Mr. Ito I was leaving for a few minutes when movement caught my eye, and I let out a deep sigh of relief. Devon and Kiaya were hurrying across the neighbor’s yard, keeping low, each of them loaded down with duffle bags.
“Thank God,” I muttered as I watched them toss the bags over the fence.
I had the door open by the time they reached me, and they rushed inside, panting but looking satisfied.
“You scared the shit out of me,” I said as soon as the door was shut tight.
Kiaya dropped her bags to the floor. “Sorry.”
“The house was empty,” Devon said. “So, we got lucky. Looks like whoever lived there wandered outside after they turned, so all we’d had to do was shut and lock the front door, and we were set.”
“That was lucky,” I said, trying not to think about the person who’d turned into a flesh-eating monster and instead focusing on the bags. “A lot of stuff?”
“Food,” Kiaya said. “A good amount.”
“Thank God.”
Devon glanced toward Mr. Ito, nodding in approval. “Did he change his mind?”
“No, but at least I got him to clean up and eat something.” I frowned, shaking my head. “I wish I could think of a way to make him come with us.”
“We’ll check on him in a day or two,” Kiaya said, putting her hand on my arm. “Make sure he’s okay.”
“Yeah,” I said, but it still didn’t feel like enough.
I stared at my neighbor for a moment before taking a deep breath and heading over. It was time to say goodbye, and while I had no other option, the idea of leaving this man to his own devices weighed heavily on me.
“Mr. Ito,” I said when I’d reached him, and lowered myself to the couch at his side. “We’re going to leave in a few minutes. Are you sure I can’t get you to come with me?”
He blinked when he turned his gaze on me, his eyes slightly unfocused. His hand was still out, and in his palm three cashew slivers sat waiting to be consumed.
“How are your parents, Rowan?” he asked after a few seconds of silence.
I jerked like I’d been slapped. We’d been in the house for over an hour now, and this was the first time he’d asked me anything. I didn’t know if it was automatic, or if he was coming around, but I wished he hadn’t mentioned them. I didn’t want to talk about my parents. Didn’t want to acknowledge they were gone. Still, it was only fair since I’d asked Mr. Ito about his wife.
“My mom—” I paused when a sob threatened to break out of me. “She’s outside. On the street with the others.”
It was the closest I could come to voicing what had happened to her.
Mr. Ito nodded as he absentmindedly popped a cashew into his mouth, chewing it. His eyes on me as he waited for me to go on.
“My dad was working at the hospital.” I shook my head and shrugged at the same time. “That’s all I know.”
“Maybe he is okay,” my neighbor said. “Like Akio.”
It seemed like an impossible hope to cling to, but I nodded anyway. “Maybe.”
“I hear there are people there.” He slipped the final cashew into his mouth, and his teeth crunched into it. “At the hospital.”
My back straightened at his words, and my heart jumped, trying to lodge itself in my throat. “What do you mean?”
“I go out to get water.” He waved to the bottles in the kitchen. “After it shut off. People there tell me the hospital is not empty.”
Not empty? I had no clue what that meant.
“There are survivors at the hospital?” I prompted, trying to make sense of what he was saying.
His head dipped twice. “Yes. Or so they say.”
I turned this new information over in my head, weighing it for validity. It was possible that a group of survivors had taken over the hospital. Yes, it would have been difficult considering how many people had probably died there, but not totally far-fetched. But did that mean Dad was with them? I couldn’t imagine how. Not only had it been over a week since my mom last spoke to him, but I also couldn’t imagine a scenario where he wouldn’t have done everything in his power to get home. If he was alive, if he had been immune to this virus, he would have done whatever it took to get back to our house. I knew it deep inside me.
Which meant he was dead.
“Have hope,” Mr. Ito said.
I nodded even though his words had done the opposite. They had ripped the last shred of hope from me and stomped it to dust.
“We should go,” I said, getting to my feet, suddenly feeling less guilty about leaving him alone even though it was wrong. I just couldn’t be like him. I couldn’t cling to something that didn’t exist while I waited around to simply die. “We’ll check on you tomorrow or the next day. Okay?”
Mr. Ito only nodded.
“If you need anything, you know where to find us. Just remember to come through the back yard.”
Again, his head bobbed.
I sighed and turned to face Kiaya and Devon. They’d picked the bags back up when I got to my feet and stood waiting by the door. More than ever, I couldn’t wait to get home.
Lisa had the door open before we’d reached my house, and even though my guilt at leaving Mr. Ito hadn’t faded completely, stepping inside was more than a relief. We would check on him, but unless he decided he wanted to live, there probably wasn’t much we could do.
Lisa shut the door once we were all inside, and I blew out a deep breath at the sound of the deadbolt clicking shut.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I was the first to answer, and the word came out more like a sigh than a response.
She nodded, once again absentmindedly twisting her hair into a knot, which she released a second later.
“We got enough that we can relax for a day or two and make some better plans,” Devon was saying as he dropped his duffle bag to the floor.
“A day or two?” We all turned to face Miller, whose expression was incredulous. “You really think we should sit around here for days?”
Devon blew air out through his nose like a bull about to charge. “You know what, Miller,” he said, taking a step toward the corporal, “as far as I’m concerned, you don’t get a say in anything we do until you pull your weight. I mean, where the hell were you when Lisa came outside to give us a hand?”
Miller’s back stiffened. “Someone had to stay inside with the kids. Imagine if all of you died and they were left alone.”
It was a bullshit excuse if I’d ever heard one. If something happened to us, there was no way in hell Miller would stick around. He’d made that clear during our first meeting when he’d heard Randall snuck out to get Lexi some chocolate. He’d let everyone know he had no intention of taking care of a couple kids if their uncle didn’t come back.
Devon snorted, telling me he believed Miller about as much as I did, and turned his back on the corporal. “Whatever, Miller. Keep spouting your bullshit lies. We all know the truth.”
Devon was seething. His jaw was clenched tight, and his hands were fisted at his sides, and he looked on the verge of beating the shit out of Miller. Not that any of us could blame him. Still, despite the corporal’s asshole tendencies, having one member of our group attack another wouldn’t help keep us united. Like it or not, Miller was a part of the group, and right now, ignoring his current cowardice was the smartest thing to do. Hopefully, he’d wake up and realize we needed to work together if we wanted to get through this.
I focused on the food we’d gotten at the first house, which Lisa—probably with the help of the kids—had unpacked while we were gone. “This is a good start.”
Devon’s head barely moved when he nodded.
Probably understanding the need to distract everyone from Miller, Kiaya followed my lead and focused on the food. She set the bag she was carrying on the counter and unzipped it, then started unloading the items they’d gotten from h
ouse number three.
“We need to make sure we ration,” she said.
I went to help, moving the items over to the other counter. Lisa had already organized it, so I put the new canned goods with the ones we’d gotten from the Mercers and the boxed food in the correct group as well. Lisa grabbed Devon’s abandoned bag and helped, and the three of us worked in silence. Devon hadn’t moved, and I could tell he was trying to regain his composure. Miller was still in the living room, still standing with his arms crossed and looking as annoyed as always.
I ignored him, instead focusing on what the others were doing.
Randall, Lexi, and Mike were at the small kitchen table doing a puzzle. Although I recognized the thing, I couldn’t for the life of me remember the last time I’d seen it. Years ago, probably. All three of them had stopped what they were doing during the confrontation and watched it play out with big, worried eyes, but Lexi and Randall had since returned their focus to their task. Mike, alone, continued to stare at the adults, his serious gaze moving from person to person like he was trying to figure out what might happen next and prepare for it. The kid was too smart for his own good.
Zara was in the living room, sitting on the couch with a book in her lap. She must have been reading when we’d gotten back, but now all she was doing was picking at the pages nervously as she watched us work. The resemblance between Kiaya and her seemed to get smaller each time I saw her. Zara was too fragile, too unsure, which was nothing like Kiaya. Even before we’d opened up to one another, Kiaya had never come across as anything but sure of herself. Like she knew exactly where she fit into this world. It was strange, considering she’d never really had a place of her own, but at the same time, it made sense. Kiaya had long ago accepted that the only person she could truly count on was herself.
I envied that certainty.
Hank sat at Zara’s side, also holding a book, although his was a comic of some kind. He wasn’t looking at it, but he also wasn’t paying attention to the adults. He was staring at Zara with the kind of rapt attention only a teenage boy could manage.
I almost smiled. When we’d first picked him up, Hank had looked at Kiaya the same way. If she’d noticed, she hadn’t let on—although I wasn’t sure how she could have missed it—and she’d been kind but not at all encouraging, which was a feat few people could manage. Leave it to Kiaya. Since she was four years older than the kid, his crush had seemed cute but silly at the same time. The age difference between him and Zara, however, was much smaller—probably only a year—making his crush much more realistic.
Buck was nowhere in sight, but I decided not to focus on that right now. Devon had promised to have a talk with him, and I didn’t need to add to my worry before it was necessary. Hopefully, Buck was just having a difficult time adjusting. God knew I understood.
I turned to find Kiaya kneeling in front of the fridge, a piece of paper in her hand and a frown on her face.
“What’s going on?” I asked, taking a step toward her.
Kiaya jerked at the sound of my voice but didn’t stand. She still had the paper held in front of her face when she looked my way, and there was a slight tremble in her hand, and something about the expression in her eyes made my stomach drop to the floor.
“What?” I took another step toward her even though something in me said I should back away. “What is it?”
Everyone froze and watched as Kiaya stood. She held her hand out, the paper fluttering as tremors moved through her body. “I found it sticking out from under the refrigerator. It must have fallen off the counter somehow. Or maybe it was stuck to the front of the refrigerator. I don’t know. I guess we’ll never know.”
Kiaya was rambling, which wasn’t like her, and it made everything in me tense even more. I wanted to take a step back, suddenly feeling like the note was something vile. A poisonous snake or a live wire that would electrocute me if I got too close.
“What is it, Kiaya?” I repeated.
She stepped closer to me. “A note.”
She was too far away for me to make out the words, but she’d moved close enough that I could see the handwriting and recognize it. My body reacted violently as the urge to snatch it away warred with the desire to run and hide. It was from my mom. To me. Her last words, written mere hours before she’d died. Had she known about the undead by then? Had she been scared? In pain? Had she given up hope that I’d ever make it home?
I trembled as the questions swirled through me, twisting together to create a tornado of emotions.
I didn’t even register that I’d reached out to take the note until it was in my hand. Even once it was in my grasp, I didn’t look at it, and I didn’t move to leave. This was something I hadn’t been prepared for, and something I didn’t know how to handle. I already felt like I’d been living on a rollercoaster the last few days, and as much as I craved being able to read my mom’s last words, I wasn’t sure what it would do to me. Make me crumble? Make me stronger? Turn me into a ball of never-ending grief?
A hand touched my back, and I absentmindedly looked over my shoulder. When my gaze met Devon’s, the concern and understanding in his eyes almost made me break down.
“We’re here.”
Behind him, Lisa nodded, and when footsteps shuffled across the kitchen floor, I didn’t have to look to know Kiaya had moved to my side. Their concern and support not only touched me, it gave me the courage to look at the note.
My mom’s usually neat script was shaky. The words seemed to have been scrawled quickly, the sentences straying from the lines they were supposed to be on, and more than a few words had been scribbled out and rewritten. Despite that, the note was legible. Not that I could focus enough to absorb the meaning. Still, words jumped out at me. Mother. Daughter. Love. Goodbye.
It was the last one that brought tears to my eyes. This was real. Mom was gone. Never again would she call up the stairs for me, take me shopping, or laugh at one of my jokes. The world had changed overnight, and everything I’d ever known or treasured about my life for the past twenty years had been swept away.
I blinked and a tear slid down my cheek. “I’m going to my room to read this.”
No one said anything, but I registered a few nods as I passed my friends and headed for the stairs.
The house was as silent as the Mercers’ had been when we’d first stepped inside, but thankfully, it didn’t feel as empty.
That’s something, I tried to tell myself. You’re lost, but you’re not alone.
It wasn’t much of a consolation at this point.
I shut the door behind me when I reached my room and crossed to my bed, the note crinkled in my tight grip as I sat. For a moment, I simply stared at the wall, but I wasn’t sure if I was putting off what would come next or trying to prepare myself for it. Maybe both.
Finally, I took a deep breath and looked down.
Rowan –
I’d hoped you would make it home before it got to this point. I just wanted to be able to see you one more time. To hug you. To hold you. To kiss you. I guess that was too much to ask of God. I pray wherever you are, you’re okay. If only I knew.
I’m not afraid to die. I think you know that. I think you also know how much being your mother has meant to me. All I’ve ever wanted was you. All those years of disappointment. The miscarriages and months of nothing. I thought I’d done something wrong. That God was punishing me. But I realize now it was all so I could have you in my life. Because having you as my daughter has made all the pain and disappointment worth it. You have been my everything, Rowan. Never forget that. And never forget that I love you. More than anything.
I’m sick. But you’ve probably already figured that out. I still haven’t heard from your father and I don’t expect to. Not with how quiet the world has gotten. We’ll be together soon, and maybe you’ll be there. I don’t know. I do know that I had to tell you goodbye. Just in case you do make it here. And that I love you. More than anything. I think I already said that, but I can�
��t remember, and this fever is making things fuzzy. It won’t be long now. I need to go back to bed while I can still get up the stairs.
Goodbye, Rowan. I love you.
Mom
I stared at the note, not moving and not sure what to do. Tears had fallen down my cheeks as I read, but the sobs and anguish I’d been expecting hadn’t come. I’d always admired my mom’s strength, and this note reminded me of that. She wasn’t my mother by birth, but she’d still raised me, and I liked to think she’d taught me a thing or two about being strong. Liked to think I took after her. I hoped so, anyway.
The note was still in my hands, and I was still staring at it when there was a light knock on the door. I had no clue how long I’d been sitting there when I swiped my hand across my face, wiping the tears away, and called out, “Come in.”
I expected Kiaya, or maybe even Devon, but when the door creaked open, Lisa was the one who stepped inside. “Hey.”
“Hi,” I said, trying to force out a smile and failing.
“I wanted to check on you.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “To make sure I’m not falling apart?”
“No one would blame you,” she said, stepping farther into the room without asking and heading my way. “And it’s not like you’re the only one who’s struggling.”
“I’m just the only one who’s barely hanging on.”
“I don’t know about that.” Lisa lowered herself onto the bed at my side, her gaze on the note in my hand. “I’ve had more than a few moments where I thought I might fall to pieces.”
I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, wondering if she was only saying it to make me feel better. There was no way this woman was barely holding it together. She was tough and brave and seemed to fit perfectly into this new world. Unlike me.
“You don’t have to lie just to make me feel better.”
“I’m not,” she said with a laugh. “Believe me.”
Still not totally believing her—but desperately wanting to—I turned to face her. “I’ve felt like I can’t get a handle on my emotions no matter what I do. One minute I want to cry, and the next minute I want to scream. It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster.”
Far Series | Book 2 | Far From Safe Page 9
