“I feel the same way.” She gave me a sympathetic smile. “In fact, I think it would be pretty weird if you weren’t feeling that way. It’s the only reason I’ve put up with Miller’s bullshit as much as I have. I mean, we’re all coping in our own way, and I think we’re all still in shock. I’m holding out hope that once the shock wears off, we’ll discover he’s a decent human being underneath.”
She rolled her eyes to let me know it was a longshot, but she was choosing to be optimistic.
I had to admit, she had a point. Not about Miller—I was pretty sure he was an asshole through and through—but about being in shock. It explained why I felt like I couldn’t get a handle on my moods, why I sometimes reacted without realizing what I was doing. The problem was, I didn’t have a clue when it would wear off.
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to get a handle on myself. You know what I mean?” I shook my head. “What if we go out to get supplies, and I freeze up? What if I can’t do it, and I get myself or someone else killed?”
“That won’t happen,” Lisa said firmly.
“How do you know?”
Lisa lifted her eyebrows, pinning me with a serious look. “Because I saw you at the Western Motel. I saw you run to help Lexi and Mike when you didn’t have to. I saw you volunteer and take charge. You might not have been prepared for any of this, but you haven’t backed down once. That means something, Rowan, so don’t lose confidence in yourself.”
She blew out a long breath, making it seem like she was having a difficult time getting the next words out. “I know I told you I was sexually assaulted, which is why I started shooting, but I don’t think I told you how it all affected me. Not really.” She shook her head at the memory, frowning like she couldn’t believe it had really happened to her or like the memory made her mad. “I was terrified of being alone after that. I slept with my lights on, added extra locks to my doors, got a security system. The fear wasn’t my only problem, though. I was mad. Angry at myself for letting it happen, at the hospital where I worked for not having better security, at my ex-husband for not being there, which was just insane. Even if we hadn’t split up, he wouldn’t have been with me. My emotions felt like they were taking over, and the more I tried to deny them and ignore them, the worse it got. So, I know how you’re feeling, Rowan. The situation is different, but the response is natural. Never for even a moment think you’re alone, because you aren’t. Ever.”
I’d thought it was strange that Lisa had been the one to come up and talk to me, but I now realized it had been intentional. Kiaya or Devon must have realized how much I looked up to this woman from the moment she started shooting at the dead from the second floor of the Western Motel and sent her here. Yes, talking to Kiaya would have helped. I admired her self-assurance just as much as I admired Lisa’s strength, and Devon might have been able to distract me, possibly make me roll my eyes at him and laugh, but he wouldn’t have been able to do this for me. Wouldn’t have been able to help me feel more confident, because next to him, I felt practically useless.
“Thank you, Lisa,” I said and even managed a smile.
“You’re welcome.” She patted my leg and stood. “Now, if you’re interested, I was thinking of joining the others in the basement. We decided shooting down there was too risky, but Devon and I wanted to do some quick gun safety instructions as well as teach some self-defense moves.”
“Self-defense?” I asked, looking up at her from my position on the bed.
“Yup.” Lisa grinned. “I’ve taken a lot of classes over the years, and it turns out Devon has taught them. Not sure how helpful it will be when it comes to fighting zombies, but you never know.”
“It probably can’t hurt,” I said, standing.
“My thoughts exactly.”
We made our way to the first floor where the kids and Randall hadn’t moved from their spots. At the kitchen table, they’d made decent progress on the puzzle even though Lexi seemed to be knocking pieces on the floor more than actually putting them in place. At some point while I was upstairs, Zara and Hank had moved to join them, and while the teenage girl was doing her best to help fill in the gaps on the slowly forming picture, her male counterpart wasn’t doing anything but drooling. Like her sister, if she noticed, she didn’t let on.
No one else was in sight, so I could only assume they’d all moved to the basement. Thinking about leaving the most vulnerable people in our group up here by themselves made me uneasy, but it didn’t make sense to force them to move to the basement when they were in the middle of an activity that had managed to capture their attention so thoroughly. Still, I wanted to make sure they stayed vigilant.
As if thinking the same thing, Lisa paused before heading to the basement. “Stay alert up here, okay?”
Five sets of eyes turned our way, but Mike was the one to answer. “We will.”
The others nodded. Even Lexi.
Lisa had to bite back a smile. “Good.” She shook her head as we headed downstairs together. “That kid is something else.”
“I know.”
Voices greeted us before anyone came into view, and once they did, I found everyone—even Miller and Buck—gathered in the basement. The older man looked as put together as he always did, but the glass sitting on the bar next to him told me he’d been drinking. Again. Hopefully, Devon found a moment to talk to him, because I was assuming he hadn’t yet.
That Miller had decided to join us surprised me at first, but the way he was eyeing Devon told me why. The corporal was leaning against the bar, as far away as he could be from the rest of the group, his arms crossed and his eyes narrowed on Devon, who was in the middle of instructing Kiaya. It was like Miller was searching for flaws. In Devon’s form or his words, or maybe even his actions. I wasn’t sure which, I just knew Miller wasn’t here to play nice.
Would this guy ever chill out and just be glad he wasn’t stumbling through the desert somewhere?
“Like this?” Kiaya said, then expertly mimicked Devon’s actions.
Of course, she’d get it right the first time.
His smile lit up his eyes, and despite the despair still swirling through me, my stomach did a somersault. “Exactly.”
“You don’t have to be perfect at everything you do,” I said when Lisa and I stopped a few feet in front of them.
Devon’s stance relaxed as he turned to face me. “You okay?”
“I will be,” I said, and for the first time since we got here, I felt certain those words were true.
For whatever reason, my little talk with Lisa had helped more than anything. We were all in this together, and I needed to remember that. I also needed to keep in mind that emotions didn’t make you weak. They made you human.
“Good,” Devon said then grabbed my belt loop and pulled me toward him. “Now, let me show you what I already taught Kiaya.”
For the next twenty minutes, Devon instructed me while Lisa helped Kiaya. Buck watched from his place at the bar, slowly sipping his scotch—or whiskey, I wasn’t sure which—while Miller stood stone faced and silent. The moves weren’t hard, and it was nice to be able to concentrate on something other than the crushing grief of this new world, but I wasn’t entirely sure any of it would help when it came to facing off with a zombie. It wasn’t like kneeing the dead in the groin would actually hurt them.
“Is this even worth it?” I asked as Devon started explaining how to get away from someone when they came at you from behind.
He paused, frowning. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” I said, rolling my eyes almost out of habit, “it isn’t like a zombie feels pain, so what’s the point?”
Devon’s mouth scrunched up, and he exchanged a look with Lisa that I couldn’t decipher, but it immediately had dread building in my stomach.
“What is it?” I asked, looking between them. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“This has nothing to do with zombies,” Lisa said, her tone serious and her expression stony.<
br />
My back stiffened. “What do you mean?”
The question was pointless because I knew what they meant, and it reminded me of the man I’d met in Vega, Angus James, and the words he’d said to me.
“There’s a lot of nasty folks out there, and with nothin’ to stop ’em, they’re gonna be on the prowl. You and that girl is gonna be travelin’ alone, which ain’t a good place to be. You gotta be prepared.”
“There’s no more law,” Devon said, answering for Lisa. “I’ve seen what people did when law and order did exist, and it wasn’t pretty. Now that it’s gone—” He frowned like he wasn’t sure what to say. Like he didn’t want to scare me.
Too late.
“I get it,” I whispered.
“Good,” was all he said before he grabbed me and pulled me back over to him. “Now, let me show you this move.”
My back was to him when he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, his forearm against my neck but not pressing hard. Instinctively, I reached up to tug at his arm, and his muscles strained as his grip tightened, but his hold didn’t loosen.
“It’s instinct to do what you’re doing now,” he said, his lips inches from my ear, “and it’s not wrong, but you need to approach it in a different way. You can’t pry someone’s arms free when they’re this much bigger and a hell of a lot stronger than you.”
I wanted to retort that he wasn’t that much stronger than me, but the biceps staring me in the face said differently.
“What do I do, then?”
“Don’t let go, but protect yourself by turning your head, that way your attacker’s arm isn’t pressed right against your throat, then you’re going to want to lower your body to make yourself heavy.”
He pressed on my shoulders, urging me down, so I bent my knees. Already, I could feel the balance shifting.
“Now you need to move your body, so you have the upper hand.” Devon instructed me to twist my body so my legs were now behind his. “Keep down the entire time so your center of gravity is low and keeps you steady. Then you reach behind your attacker’s knees.” He paused, waiting for me to follow instructions.
“Like this?” I released his arm and reached back, keeping my legs bent and my center of gravity low just like he’d told me to as I grabbed each one of his legs behind the knee.
“Exactly like that,” Devon said. “The last move is to lift your attacker and shift your gravity so they’re off balance, which should send them back.”
“You want me to lift you?” I asked, not sure I’d heard him right. It seemed insanely far-fetched that I would be able to lift him.
“If you’re low enough and you’ve thrown your attacker off balance, you should be able to do it with little effort,” he said. “Give it a try.”
I didn’t see much of a point, but since my hands were still behind his knees, I decided it was worth a shot anyway. My knees were already bent and my weight low, so that when I grabbed his legs and jerked him up, his feet left the ground with little effort. Immediately, his hands fell away and he stumbled back, but he caught himself before he could fall. It was close, though, and I was smiling when I turned to face him.
“I can’t believe that almost worked.”
“It would have worked perfectly, but you stopped in the middle of lifting me,” he said, frowning. “You should have followed through.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“I can take it, Rowan,” he said, motioning for me to turn around. “Let’s try another move.”
This time when my back was to him, he wrapped his arms around my chest, holding me just under my breasts so my arms were pinned to my sides. In this position, I didn’t have the luxury of being able to claw at his arms, and my movements were limited to below the waist.
“Try to step on my toes,” he said.
I complied, trying to step back, but he shifted, pulling me with him. In fact, each time I stomped my foot down, he managed to dodge my attempts, and in seconds he had me on the ground, face down on the carpet with his big body on top of mine. It made my back throb, but more than anything, it made me want to punch him.
“See how little that works,” he said, panting slightly from the effort.
He moved off me, and I rolled to my back, glaring up at him.
“Then why did you tell me to do it?”
“To show you what not to do.” He stood, holding a hand out to me, and I took it, allowing him to pull me to my feet. “Let’s try again.”
Once again, I turned my back, and he wrapped his arms around me. His biceps flexed against the underside of my breasts, reminding me how powerful he was and how little chance I had of getting away.
“Move your hips,” he said.
“My hips?” I asked even as I shifted from side to side.
“Good. Now that you’ve shifted one way, you should have just enough room to reach back and grab your attacker’s groin.”
“His groin?”
“You heard me,” he said, without a hint of amusement in his voice. “It should be more than enough to get him to release his grip on you, which is when you go in with a knee to his stomach or a heel of your hand to his nose.”
He had to be kidding me.
I looked over my shoulder and found his face mere inches from mine. My mouth went dry as I looked at his lips, and I became very aware of how his body was pressed up against mine. Before, I’d been too distracted by the sudden reminder that zombies weren’t the only enemy in this world, but now all I could focus on was his heat. It reminded me of the few kisses we’d shared, and how secure I’d felt in his arms.
As if he was reading my mind, he lifted his eyebrows and his lips pulled up into a smirk. “You okay, there?”
A flush spread across my face, and I looked away. “Yup.”
He let out a low chuckle that vibrated through both our chests, and a delicious shiver shook my body. “You going to try it or not?”
“Try it?” I asked.
“The move.” He chuckled again.
I ventured another glance his way, lifting my eyebrows. “You really want me to try? On you?”
“I think I can take it.”
The cocky expression on his face pushed every thought from my head except one. I wanted to prove to him that I wasn’t weak.
“Fine,” I muttered, the word barely above a whisper.
Taking a deep breath, I went for it, shifting my hip to the left while reaching back with my right hand at the same time. I hadn’t meant to be so violent, but it happened so fast and was so much easier than I expected, that before I knew it my hand was on him and my fingers were squeezing. He let out a grunt and loosened his hold on me. I wasn’t sure if it was intentional or if I’d actually hurt him, and I didn’t pause to think about it before sending my now free elbow into his stomach.
Devon grunted, and his hands fell away, releasing me, and I spun to face him, a triumphant smile on my face.
It died the second I set eyes on him.
He was bent, one hand on his crotch and the other on his stomach. Everyone else had stopped to stare, Kiaya and Lisa with their mouths hanging open, and Buck with an expression of amusement in his gray eyes. Miller was watching, too, but I didn’t bother to look his way. I was too worried about Devon.
“Oh, shit.” I reached for him, but stopped myself from touching him, not sure what I should do. “I didn’t mean to hit you that hard!”
When he lifted his head to look at me, I expected him to be pissed, but that wasn’t what I saw. He looked pained, but there was a note of admiration in his eyes as well.
“I asked for it,” he said between breaths.
Buck let out a low chuckle.
“But I didn’t have to really hurt your—” I waved to his crotch, suddenly mortified that I’d not only grabbed him in front of everyone but had hurt him as well.
Devon shook his head, and even though he was clearly still in pain, he laughed.
“Why are you laughing?” I wanted to cross my
arms and stomp like a child because I was already embarrassed, and he was making it worse by laughing at me.
“Because I’m an idiot.” Devon sucked in a deep breath and blew it out before standing. Even then he looked pained. “I really didn’t think you’d be able to hurt me.”
He’d thought I wasn’t tough enough to actually do him any harm.
My mouth dropped open, and Lisa let out a little snort of disbelief.
“Don’t get your feathers all ruffled. That’s not what I meant,” he said, waving his hand like he was trying to swat my irritation away. “I just thought I could take whatever you threw my way. I overestimated myself.”
That made me laugh, and some of my mortification melted away. “Well, in that case, you deserve what you got.”
“How’s that?” Now he was chuckling right along with me.
“You can’t go out there thinking nothing can hurt big, strong Devon—” I paused. “I just realized I don’t know your last name.”
“Parks.” He shifted and winced again.
I had to bite back a laugh. “Anyway, you can’t go out there thinking nothing can hurt the big, strong Devon Parks.”
“I get the point,” he said. “You don’t have to rub it in.”
“Speaking of going out,” Miller broke in, “when are we going to get serious about getting supplies?”
He was, of course, scowling.
“You mean you’re actually planning on going?” Devon asked, his expression letting the corporal know that none of us expected him to muster up that much courage.
“Of course,” Miller spat. “I’m not totally useless, you know.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it.” Devon clenched his jaw. “To answer your question, I was thinking tomorrow morning. Does that sound reasonable?”
He looked everyone over.
“Are we all going?” Lisa asked. “What if we don’t make it back? What about the kids and Randall?”
Devon grimaced like he hadn’t thought about it.
“She has a point. We can’t leave them totally defenseless,” Kiaya said.
Far Series | Book 2 | Far From Safe Page 10
