The Proverbial Mr. Universe

by Maria La Serra

  Not a girl like Olivia.

  It was a lot to swallow, his pride. Nick over-reacted. Maybe he should have handled it differently, but his actions reflected his fear. After Chloe left, he never wanted to give anyone the power to ruin him, but then he did. Nick opened the door wide, allowing Olivia to come in within the folds of his life. The thing was, she meant more to him than he could have ever imagined. Olivia was all he thought about, all he could have hoped for. So when she couldn’t be straight with him about what he meant to her, it seemed the music stopped and his heart instantly ceased to exist. Olivia wasn’t on the same page, maybe she never would be, so it was much easier to break it off then to be broken. Either way, he was mangled by his own demise.

  A vicious circle indeed.

  “Fuck, you look like shit,” Dan said when Nick walked into the bar a week before he saw Olivia again.

  “Trust me, I feel better than I look.”

  His brother looked at him suspiciously. “I take it you haven’t patched things up?”

  “Nope.” Nick settled himself on the stool. “We’re no longer together.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  “Nope.”

  “Look, Olivia came by looking for you.” Dan pulled something from his pocket. “She left you your keys.” His brother slid the keys across the bar.

  “When?”

  “Last night.”

  “She was here … looking for me?”

  “No, knucklehead. She was here looking for the Pope.” Dan’s eyes softened. “Look, it’s clear she cares about you. Why don’t you try to work things out?”

  “What did she tell you? No, forget about it, I don’t want to know. It’s over. I’m not going to wait around for her to decide what she wants.”

  “But I don’t understand. You knew she wanted to take things slow?”

  “Yeah?”

  “So what are you mad about?”

  “Hey, weren’t you the one who told me to stop playing fuckin’ Patty Cakes?”

  “Weren’t you the one who said I give bad advice?”

  When Nick remained silent, Dan asked again, “So what’s got your fuckin’ underwear in a bunch?”

  “Why does it have to be so hard? I just want her in my life.” Nick looked down at his hands. “Her dad hates me. She’s still tied up with her ex and hides behind all these fuckin’ excuses. I thought that this could work. I really did.”

  “The way I see it, you’re the one hiding behind excuses. Look, I know Chloe did a number on you, I get it, but you haven’t been completely honest with her. If anyone should be upset, it should be Olivia.”

  “What?”

  “Well, have you told her about the thirty-five pills?”

  Nick felt the blood drain from his face. “Did you say anything about it to her?”

  “What does it matter? I thought you wanted nothing to do with her,” Dan said. “No, my brother. I’ll leave that up to you. She’s a good kid, and I think she’s right for you.”

  Nick sat quietly.

  “Look, I’m terrible with this sappy shit, and it’s not like we ever learned it by example. I don’t know about you, but I’m fed up with living like you always have to be one step ahead of everyone else … leave them before they leave you,” Dan added.

  His brother was right. Nick had been selfish, feeding into his vulnerability. Olivia deserved better than that. He had been hiding things from her, not purposely at first. She was never around when he took his medication, and he didn’t look sick, so it was easy to pretend everything was normal, because for once in a very long time, with Olivia, he felt like a normal human being.

  “Don’t be an asshole, Nick. Not everything works at your pace.” Dan looked down his receipts and bank statements lying in front of him on the counter, shuffling them back and forth. “Hey, I’m curious about something, though?” he said without looking up at Nick.

  “What’s that?”

  “Are you gasping for air?”

  Nick gave him a perplex look. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “I imagine it would be hard with your head up your ass.” Dan gave him the biggest dumb smile.

  One morning Nick found himself walking down the street. Something caught his eye in a window display that reminded him about a bicycle Olivia once had. The thought of her smile brought him back to that moment, how her face lit up when she spoke about it. He wondered if he was capable of recreating that moment for her, somehow finding a way to make her glow like that again. Olivia was used to getting expensive gifts when her boyfriend had been shitty to her, but Nick’s intentions weren’t the same. He wasn’t a manipulator. He would do anything to get her back, even if it meant he had to crawl. That was the thing when someone was bound to a higher emotion. Love magnetizes. That was when he knew it was the real deal; it kept pulling him back, and there was nothing he could do to break it.

  It was exceptional if it went both ways.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” Olivia smiled.

  “You don’t want me to look at you?” Nick placed his keys on his desk.

  “No, I do, just not in this condition.” She looks down at herself. “I’m a real mess.”

  “Not to me.”

  She looked away, self-conscious, turning her attention to the canvases around the room. “So are you going to show me the reason you brought me here?” Olivia’s eyes grew darker.

  Nick tried to swallow the knot in his throat.

  What was the reason?

  He didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult, to be so close and not be able to touch her. It took everything in him not to watch as she removed her soaked sweater, placing it on the back of a chair. He was conscious of how her damp cotton tee clung to every curve. Rubbing the side of his face, he inhaled one slow breath, taking in her fragrance and awakening everything inside himself.

  He knew that they weren’t going to pick up where they left off. If Olivia wanted him, she would have to say it. She would have to make the first move.

  Right … the reason he brought her here suddenly came to him.

  Nick motioned for her to follow him to the other side of the room.

  “So, what do you think?” Nick showed her a large canvas, laying on his work table.

  “Very organic. Is it a flower?” She crossed her arms in front of her, slightly turning her head up to meet him for some confirmation.

  “Yeah, it turned out that way,” he said, embarrassed.

  He never realized the softer side of himself. His past work had always been edgy and emulated destruction. There were no words to describe how Nick processed his work. It came from within; it was seeing things and feeling them, bringing them to life with one brushstroke at a time.

  “I love that you use the dark blue at the top and how it fades gradually at the bottom. The use of magenta streaming through the empty spaces … beautifully done,” she said, look at him as he watched her so intensely.

  “Am I saying something wrong?” She laughed.

  He loved it when she took an interest in his work. He folded his arms across his chest, leaning further on the table behind him, mustering his strength to keep from placing his hands in her hair.

  “There’s no wrong way to analyze abstract art. It’s meant to inspire without understanding, almost like classical music. It means something different to everyone.”

  “So what does it mean to you?” she asked.

  “Ah, well … I guess I was thinking of you when I was working on it. This is the result.” He pointed back to the canvas.

  She smiled in a way that made him think his answer satisfied her. “Am I your muse, Montgomery?” she taunted.

  She had no fuckin’ idea.

  “All the time.”

  He couldn’t help but pull her closer to him, holding her there, lightly brushing her bangs out of her eyes. For a moment he thought he might just kiss her and would have, if she didn’t pull away so abruptly. He deserved it. He had hurt
her by completely shutting her out.

  “I’ve got to go,” she said, walking back toward the chair to gather her sweater.

  “What?”

  “I have to go.”

  “I thought you said you didn’t have plans.”

  “No, you told me you had nowhere to be. I, on the other hand, never said anything.”

  There was an elephant in the room that he desired to destroy. He needed to tell her, and if she left, he wasn’t sure if he would ever find the courage again.

  “Roshambo,” He smiled. “I win, you stay here with me.”

  She looked right through him, her lips twitching to one side. “Okay.”

  “ROSHAMBO,” they said in unison.

  He smiled more brightly.

  “Okay, I’ll stay for a little while longer.”

  He observed her as she looked through his collage of sketches posted on the wall above his desk, ideas he had for his next project. She asked questions about it, and he answered. This was not the first time Olivia hung around in his studio, but lately, he realized she had become more comfortable, making herself more at home. This satisfied him because art was a big part of his life, and he spent a significant amount of time in these four walls. If she was unable to accept that, then there was no way of it going further.

  “What’s this?” She unattached the lined paper from his board, bring it closer.

  He realized what it was.

  “Nothing, it’s just my bucket list. It’s dumb.” He tried to take it out of her hands, but she managed to pull away.

  “It’s not stupid.”

  “Olivia, c’mon, hand it over.”

  “No.”

  When Nick finally gave up, she settled on the edge of his desk and began to read it out loud.

  “Walk through Japan’s tunnel of lights. Open my art gallery …”

  “That’s something you should do.” She gave him a sideways glance. “Help a stranger for no personal benefit.”

  She glanced up at him. “You should probably cross that one out.”

  “See the Northern Lights. Live in another country for one year. Volunteer at a charity. Go on a spiritual holiday. Say yes to everything for a whole day.”

  “Hmmm … you’re going to have to give me a heads up on that one.”

  “When do I ever say no to you?” Nick asked.

  She thought about it for a slight second then shrugged, knowing he was right.

  “Olivia …” Her eyes slowly veered from the list and smiled at him.

  Nick could feel the blood rushing to his ears, making him feel like a bashful school boy.

  She tilted her head to the side, grinning. “Wow, I never saw you blush before.” He playfully tried to grab her, but she was too fast for him.

  “I don’t blush.” He cast his eyes away from her.

  “So is this Olivia … me?” she taunted, still holding the list in her hand, slowly walking around the room as Nick followed in pursuit.

  “Who else would it be?”

  “Well, one can never be sure.”

  “Nope, you’re my one and only.”

  Her smile told Nick that she was pleased.

  “Well, at least, I should be flattered that I am the only girl on that bucket list,” she said. “Or I think I am …” Olivia looked back at the paper.

  “Give me that.”

  Nick shook his head, pinning his list back on the board.

  “So what’s this really about?” She leaned on the edge of his desk.

  She wasn’t going to let it go because Nick knew Olivia Montiano was a very stubborn girl. He added her name to the bucket list long ago, long after Nick saw her at the café. They crossed paths, but she would never really look at him, and always found a way to avoid eye contact. Olivia was damn good at it. It was around the time he found her standing at the corner of Chabanel when she finally looked up at him. Her eyes were so captivating, disclosing some notion that this was where his heart should stay. It was something he never experienced before, and it sent chills right through him. He knew the moment he walked away from Olivia that it would be impossible to shake the feeling of her.

  He was surprised she hadn’t seen the note on the board—the one he wrote with her in mind for the missed connection section. Nick knew she was never going to see it, but maybe he didn’t write it specifically for her. It was a way to send it out into the universe, a way to attempt the fates in his favor.

  “You should know better than to ask that question, especially if you’re not ready to hear the answer.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Her eyes slowly expanded, and he could see the lightbulb going off. “Do you think I’m some conquest?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

  “No.” He laughed bashfully.

  “Was I supposed to be another notch on your belt? Because I’ll never sleep with you …”

  There were many times he was stumped by her. He wasn’t sure how to read Olivia … like the time she told her coworkers that they were only friends, when she knew very well they had been more. He understood this was part of her defense mechanism, a way to put a safe distance between them. Nick couldn’t be upset with her because this was how she was. Olivia needed to know that he was worth her time.

  “No, it wasn’t meant like that.” He cleared his throat. “I wanted to get to know you, that’s all.”

  “So why haven’t you crossed off my name?”

  He turned to look at her. “Olivia, you’re not some conquest or another notch on my belt. If I cross your name off my list, it would mean I was done, and I’m not done with you. I don’t think I will ever be. You’ve changed the rhythm of my heart, and it saddens me that you still don’t understand that.”

  Olivia was something he wanted to continue for a lifetime, even if it was a short one. He pinned back his sketches that had come loose on his board.

  “What is it that you want from me, Nick?” she asked in a half-whisper, sending heat all the way to his nerve endings.

  “Everything.”

  “That’s a lot to ask from one person.”

  “I guess it is. But I’m prepared to give you everything. My heart, my soul, my life … days, nights. I lay it all down for you to take. Go ahead and take it, Olivia. You know you already have it.” His voice was almost a whisper, barely making a sound. “Take it, because you have no fuckin’ idea what you’re doing to me.”

  She took a quick step, closing the space between them, placing her hands on the back of his neck and through his hair. It took him a slight second to respond, unsure of what was happening. Nick was conscious of her warm body on his, her lips possessively devouring and yearning for more. Then, instinctively, his arms went around her waist, hands moving wherever they wanted to go, effortlessly and without control.

  His lips caught up quickly, like there was energy rising in him, reviving his heart, breathing air into his lungs, and all of a sudden he was alive again. He wanted more of her, to completely lose himself in her hands and her body, but he knew he couldn’t allow it to go any further, not until she knew the truth about him.

  “Olivia,” he murmured against her mouth. “Olivia, wait … there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “What? Is there someone else?”

  “No.” He smiles at the absurdity. No one could ever take her spot.

  He pulled a chair from under his desk and motioned for her to sit down. “I need to explain something to you.” He rubbed his eyes before continuing, knowing once the words came out of his mouth things would change for them. “I had been severely sick a few years back … I got a viral infection which caused heart failure. I’ve been living with a new heart for three years.”

  She opened her mouth in wonder. “You’re serious? But I don’t understand …”

  He grabbed his T-shirt at the back of the neck and yanked it over his head, revealing his scar. He didn’t do it to get pity from her, but compassion. Nick wanted her to understand the seriousness of his situation and w
hat it would mean if she chose to stay with him. A heart transplant was not a cure, but a lifesaving treatment. Every day he lived with uncertainty, his future always at the risk of dramatic change, fear of a setback always looming in the distance. Another infection or rejection could put him back in a hospital bed.

  This was his reality, but it didn’t have to be hers.

  She got up and walked closer, his eyes never leaving her face. Her fingers traced the light pink scar that ran down the midpoint of his chest, and she glanced up meeting his gaze. He saw the question in her eyes.

  “I don’t understand why you never told me this. I mean this is usually the stuff you tell somebody you’re supposed to care about.”

  “I know. I was wrong, but I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, not in the beginning. It’s just the further we got involved, the harder it got to tell you. I was so scared of losing you.”

  “Scared?” Her eyes were bright. “But I’m not Chloe!”

  “I know. I know you’re not.” He regretted not seeing it sooner, not believing in them. He looked back down at her as she stood silently before him, and he was drowning in her silence. “Say something, please,” he begged, barely getting the words out.

  Olivia looked at him a long moment before saying, “Well, it’s just … I never wanted anything bad to happen to you and it hurts me because it already did.”

  He leaned his head in to touch hers. “I hope you find a way to forgive me because I need you in my life,” he said in a thick voice, his feelings out of control.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Nick.”

  Somehow, some way, he already knew that.

  Olivia was worried. It wasn’t like her father not to show up for their lunch date. If anything came up at the last minute, he would have at least called. Since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, there were some noticeable progressions of the disease, like forgetting things or misplacing items. It seemed like nothing at first, but sooner or later she realized the qualities of his character that she adored, that made up her father, were going to be compromised at some point.