by Mae, Mandee
“I don’t plan on moving away. I want to work things out with Pierce.” She starts to protest, but I jump right back in. “I’m still in love with him, Sarah, and I know he still loves me. I can see it in his eyes. Don’t you want him to be happy?”
She gets pissed and stands right up in front of me. “Of course, I want him happy. I just don’t know if you’re the one who can do it.”
“All I’m asking is that you let whatever’s gonna happen, happen. Let him make his own decisions.”
She walks to the end of the porch and looks up into the sky for a moment before she heads back. I know this is hard for her, but he is an adult and he can make his own decisions. She doesn’t need to protect him from me. I’m not the enemy.
“Fine. I’ll stay out of his way. I won’t interfere with you guys anymore, just please promise me one thing, Kinlee.”
Finally. “Anything.”
“Don’t hurt him.”
“He’s stronger than you give him credit for, Sarah. If you paid more attention, you’d see that.”
“I know. He’s made a lot of progress since he’s started working with you.”
I nod my head in agreement. “He has, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”
She smiles. “I get it, I’m a little overprotective. Now…enough about my brother. Tell me what you’ve been doing out in this big bad world.”
It almost felt like old times again. We ordered pizza and finished off two bottles of wine by the time we finished talking. Reminiscing about old stunts we used to pull on our parents and fellow classmates. It felt good. It felt like I had my friend back. Sarah decided it was time to head home close to midnight. I offered her the couch, but she kindly refused, telling me that she could only sleep in her own bed.
I don’t remember what time it was when I finally fell asleep. I was just trying to figure out different ways I could get Pierce to realize that I want to be with him…that I need to be with him. Only time will tell, but I hope like hell this will end the way I want. That it will end the way it should have ended years ago...with us being together.
Chapter Ten
“You’re going to overdo it and set yourself back, now slow the fuck down,” I practically shout at him. We’ve been working pretty hard the last couple of months, pushing to get him where he wants to be.
“The only thing that is going to set me back is you if you don’t get the hell out of my way and let me do this. I know my body, dammit. I know how far I can push myself and I know when I’ve had enough,” he says while giving me an evil look.
“Fine.” It’s good to argue, right? I know he knows when he’s had enough, but it’s still my job to make sure he’s aware of all the risks. He’s looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, and he’s almost reached it.
“Good. Now, go down to the end of the bar and wait for me,” he says, looking at me in that innocent way that he always knows had me doing whatever he wanted. He knows that I still can’t say no to that look.
I walk down to the end of the bars against my better judgment and look back at him…standing there with no shirt on. I follow one droplet of sweat that starts sliding down his chest, over each muscle that is bulging out. All I really want to do is be on my knees when he gets down here so I can lick up every drop. It’s been so long since I’ve actually wanted to do anything with a man. Actually, the only man that has really ever held my interest was Pierce.
“Kinlee!” I hear my name being yelled and look up at Pierce.
“What? I thought you were ready?” I readjust the way I’m standing, noticing that my panties are a little damp now. Well, more than a little.
He shakes his head and smiles. “I am. I’ve just been waiting for you.” He rests his weight on one side and waves his hand around. “Where were you just now?”
I can feel the flush rush up my cheeks. “Nowhere. I’m waiting. Show me what you got.”
He raises his eyebrows in question. I can’t believe I just said that.
The first couple of steps are slow, but after that, his pace increases. This is what scares me. He thinks that faster is better, but it’s not. Wait…is he? “Pierce, what are you doing?” I’m getting nervous now. I’m rocking from side to side in anticipation of what he’s about to show me.
He chuckles. “Just watch.” He licks his lips then glances up to make sure that I am actually watching him. He knows he’s set me on edge and he’s waiting to see if I’m actually going to stand still and let him do this or if I’m going to go run up to him and make him stop.
He’s doing it. He’s taking steps without having to hold on to the railing. He still has his hands positioned just above them just in case he needs them, but he’s doing it. He’s walking again.
“You’re doing it. Pierce…oh my God. When…” I have to shut up. I don’t want to make him lose his concentration and do something that’s going to hurt himself.
He keeps looking up to see me, and the smile I have plastered on my face. Each time makes his smile widen in return. He only has a few steps to go and he’ll have made it the entire way on his own. I start jumping up and down in excitement.
“Yes, baby. A few more.” I slap my hand over my mouth as soon as I say that. I can’t believe I just called him baby. It doesn’t look like he heard me, and if he did, then he’s not acknowledging it. Thank God.
One, two, three…“Well?” he stands proudly in front of me waiting for me to say something.
I didn't know when it started, but my vision soon gets blurry from the tears filling my eyes. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. I can’t say anything back so I walk straight up to him and wrap my arms around his neck. I can tell by his body posture that I’ve shocked him.
“Kinlee…” he whispers.
I squeeze harder when he says my name and tell him something I should’ve told him a long time ago. “I’m so proud of you.” Finally, after an agonizing moment, I feel one of his arms wrap around me. God, it feels good to feel him touch me again. He leans his head against mine, and for one brief minute, all is right.
I compose myself and take a step back. I see mixed emotions when I look at him. I can see that he still has feelings for me. That’s pretty damn evident. I figure it’s now or never, so before I change my mind, I lean forward and place my tear covered lips on his hoping and praying that I’m not ruining the progress that we’ve made up to this point. When he doesn’t back away, I slip my tongue out in search for his and he greedily accepts, deepening the kiss. Heaven. That’s what it felt like. Feeling his lips on mine again was pure bliss…and then it abruptly ended.
“Why did you that?”
I open my eyes and look at him. He looks hurt and confused.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Pierce.” I step back so I can see him better.
He turns and starts heading back down to the other side where his chair is at. “I want you to tell me why you kissed me.”
“Do you want me to say that I’m sorry because I’m not.” I know I sound defensive, but dammit, I’m not sorry.
He makes it to his chair and gets comfortable, then heads for the door. “Kinlee…”
“I’m still in love with you, Pierce.”
He stops then slowly turns around. A blank look on his face. “Why? I’m nothing.”
I race up to him and get right in his face. “You are something. You are everything to me.”
He reaches up and grabs my face. “If you loved me so much, then why did you leave?”
A sob tears from my chest. “I told you, I was scared, dammit.”
“Because you knew I would come back like this? Because I would come back damaged goods and you couldn’t deal with that?”
I drop down to my knees, not able to stand any longer. Hearing him talk like that is killing me. “I was afraid you were going to come home in a box. That is what I couldn’t handle.”
He lets go of my head and starts laughing. “And you think you can handle me like this? Thanks
, Kinlee, but I don’t want your fucking pity.”
He leaves, leaving me a blubbering mess on the floor. I have to prove to him that I don’t pity him. I have to find some way to get through his thick, fucking head that I want this…that I want us to work and that I’m in this for the long haul. I just have to figure out how to make that happen.
Chapter Eleven
I swerve into his driveway, barely getting the car turned off before I race up to the door and start banging away. “Pierce, open up, goddammit. I know you’re in there.”
The door flies open. “What the hell? Do you want the neighbors calling the police?”
I don’t wait for him to move out of the way so I can come in. I grab ahold of his chair and push him back so I can enter, shutting the door behind me.
“You can’t…”
He doesn’t get to finish what he was saying. I grab his face and plant my lips on his, effectively shutting him up. He grips onto my arms, trying to push me away, but then something changes and it’s like he’s trying to get me closer. I drop down to my knees in front of him so we’re more level, then all hell breaks loose.
One of his hands come up and starts caressing my neck while the other weaves through my hair, where he grips hard while he thrusts his tongue into mouth searching for mine. My hands can’t stay where they are. They start roaming…touching, feeling his arms, his chest…winding around to his back. Feeling his muscles contract every time he moves. This is the Pierce I know. The one who loves to be in control.
He moves down and starts kissing my neck…nibbling, sucking…making his way to my ear and starts flicking my earlobe with his tongue before he starts sucking on it.
“Oh, God.” I bring my hands around and start rubbing his thighs, working my way up higher. I want to touch him so bad. I want to feel him…all of him.
He reaches down and grips my wrist, breaking the kiss. “Please don’t,” he says, trying to catch his breath.
I lay my head on his shoulder and rest my hands on his legs. Neither one of us says anything for a few minutes, allowing both of us to replenish the oxygen that we have just deprived our bodies of.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, pulling away in the process. He looks at me briefly before he backs up and heads over to the couch.
Tears automatically fill my eyes when I hear those two words. I’m sorry. I don’t want to look him in the eyes. I don’t want him to see how much that hurts me. I haven’t gotten up yet, but I can still see him maneuver himself to the couch, pushing his chair out of the way when he’s positioned.
I get up, grab my purse, tuck my tail between my legs, and head for the door.
“Kinlee…”
I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I turn around so he can see the disappointment in my face. Those two words just destroyed me even though I brought all of this on myself. I still feel like someone ripped my heart out…again, only this time the roles are reversed. “I’m done, Pierce. You win. I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll have someone else continue your therapy from here on out.”
He clenches his jaw and struggles to stand, only able to hold himself up with the aid of the nearby chair. “So that’s it? You’re done fighting for us? I thought you were stronger than that. I thought you were trying to win me back,” he starts shouting.
How does he know this? Sarah. “I don’t know what else to do, dammit. I’ve tried taking things slow. I’ve tried earning your trust. I’ve been nothing but honest with you and right now I’m at a complete loss.”
“So you’re going to run again? I am still figuring things out, Kinlee. I’ve already told you this. I’m still not a whole man. I don’t know if I will ever be whole again. Why do you think I push back so hard? There is still a lot of stuff that I’m trying to come to terms with. There are still a lot of things you don’t know about.”
“Then tell me!” I feel as if I’m shouting at the top of my lung. “How am I supposed to know these things if you don’t talk to me?” My hands are flying all over the place. I start pacing back and forth, not sure if I should stay or go.
“I don’t feel like a whole man. Not sitting here in this fucking chair like this.” He pounds on the armrests a couple of times. It’s so hard seeing him like this. So vulnerable.
What in the hell is he talking about? “I don’t need you to be whole. I need you to be you. I’m in love with all of you…the way you are now…not the way you were then.” I walk over and stand right in front of him. “Why can’t you see that I want to be with you? That I’m tired of running. You were it for me a long time ago and I should have never left.”
“Kin…” He closes his eyes and hangs his head for a brief moment before looking back up at me.
“No…” I cut him off before he even gets started. “Why can’t you just admit that you still love me? Why can’t you just say those words? I see it in your eyes, Pierce. I see it every time you look at me.” I’m hoping like hell he can see how much I love him.
“Of course, I’m in love you, Kinlee. I have always been in love with you, but I don’t know if I can ever love you again. The way a man is supposed to love a woman.” He reaches up and grabs my hand. Jerking it down, he places it directly on his cock. “I’m not whole, dammit. Do you understand now? Can you stand there and tell me that you still love me knowing I can’t get it up?” He releases my hand and falls back on the couch.
I’m stunned. Speechless, actually. The realization of what he’s telling me hits me square in the face. I look down and see him hunched over, his face buried in his hands. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for him, but he needs to realize that I don’t care about that.
I sit down beside him and place my hand on his leg, giving it a squeeze for a little reassurance. For him, for me…for both of us.
“I don’t care about that. We belong together, Pierce. I’m not going to let that stand in our way. There are other ways for us to make each other happy.”
He shakes his head. “I could never live with myself for not being able to make you happy. Can’t you see that.” He finally raises his head and I see his tear streaked face. “How can you ever truly be happy with someone who can’t please you?”
Reaching up, I wipe off the tears. He looks so broken…beat down. Placing my hands on either side of his face, I force him to look directly at me. “You please me all the time. A simple kiss. A single touch. The way you hold me. Every time you say I love you. That pleases me. Being able to have you in my life is what pleases me.”
He rolls his eyes. “How am I supposed make you happy if we can’t make love.” The look on his face is utterly heartbreaking. He thinks he’s broken and I have to find a way to convince him otherwise.
I lean in and give him a kiss, sweeping my tongue across his bottom lip, then bring it to mine and start sucking on it. He always loved to have that done. It used to drive him crazy. He grips my head between his hands to deepen the kiss, groaning in the process. He pulls back after a few minutes, breathing harder than before.
“Will you please just give us a chance? I know we can make this work. I realize there are a lot of things that we have to work on, but I want this. I need this, Pierce. Can you do that?” I’m hoping like hell that he tells me yes. I know I’m asking a lot of him right now, more than I ever have.
“Things will get rough, Kinlee. Can you handle it?”
Can I handle it? Of course, I can handle it. “Yes.” I blatantly state like my life depends on it.
He’s looking at me, trying to figure out if I’m telling the truth. If I’m being honest with him and really want this. Finally, he nods. “You’re not going to stop working with me, are you?” he asks, then chuckles.
I give him a soft shove and start laughing with him. “No, you big goober.”
He brushes the back of his fingers across my cheek then rests his forehead against mine. “Good because I really need you. Now more than ever.”
“M
e, too.” Closing my eyes, I enjoy the closeness with Pierce and pray that this moment doesn’t end.
“Now, can you move? I need to lie down for a bit.” He gestures for me to get off the couch. Wow! I get up and start walking for the door. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“What? You said you wanted to lay down.” I shrug my shoulders and realize that I said that a bit louder than what I needed to.
He spreads himself out on the couch and opens his arms. “Yeah, but I didn’t say for you to leave. Get your ass over here and lay down with me. I need to hold you.”
He just melted my heart. He needs to hold me. Well, I need to be held. “Well, you’re gonna have to move over a bit. I need a little more room than that.”
“No, you don’t.” He pats the couch and waits patiently.
I lay down beside him, getting comfortable, while Pierce reaches behind him and grabs the blanket off the back of the couch. It takes us a minute or two to coordinate enough to get us covered, but we do end up accomplishing that small feat. He wraps his arm around me, pulling me further back into him, ensuring that I’m not going anywhere.
“I love you, Kinlee.”
“I love you, too.” Hearing those words again and being able to say them back just does something to your soul. He just helped heal my heart a little more without even knowing it, and I pray to God that I’ll somehow be able to help him heal. His body. His heart. His mind.
I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of being back in his arms. I’ve waited so long for this to happen and it’s finally here. He’s finally agreed to give us…me, another chance. He’s giving me a second chance to prove to him that I’m in this for the long haul, that this is what I want, and there’s no way in hell that I’m going to screw this up.
Chapter Twelve
Things have been going pretty good since we had that talk and I finally convinced Pierce to give us another chance. Well, it goes well except the days that he has therapy. Those days it seems that all hell breaks loose. He’s so damn stubborn
