by Mae, Mandee
“We worked on that yesterday. This is what you need to do today.” I don’t know how much clearer I can say that to him.
“You may have the fucking degree, but this is what I want to do. I know what works best for me, and this is it.”
It’s no use. No matter how much I talk and try to convince him that this is what he needs to do, he’s always going to do the opposite.
“Are we going to argue about this every time you come in?” I ask him this, standing with my hands propped on my hips as if that’s going to change his answer.
He goes over to the weights I have in the room and transfers himself over to the bench then starts lifting. “Probably,” he replies with a cocky smile.
He’s over there, doing his repetitions, no shirt, grunting every time he brings up the weight. I have to lean back against my desk to help support me while I watch him. Watching the beads of sweat run down his chiseled chest. Jesus. How could he ever think that he’s not man enough is beyond me. If you could be here with me and see what I see, you’d be just as wet as I am right now.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking of ways that I could show him how much we could please each other and I plan to do one later tonight. I just hope he’s game for what I have planned. He better be. He could use a little release to help him relax. It always makes me feel better.
“Babe, what are you thinking over there? You have this glassy look on your face.” He takes his index finger and motions around his face while he’s asking me this.
“Huh?” I look up to meet his gaze and see the same heat that I’m feeling so he knows exactly what I’m thinking. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
He starts laughing. “Sure. You keep sucking on that finger and you won’t have anything left of it.”
And let the sexual innuendos begin.
“Well, I’m sure you can figure out what I’m thinking.”
He puts the weight back down, looks at me, and licks his lips. “Baby, I don’t have to figure anything out. It’s written all over your face.”
Dammit! Why am I so easy to read; although, he’s always been good at reading me.
“Okay, I’m done for the day. You ready?”
“Yep, got everything shut down. Just waiting for you.” I grab my purse and keys then follow Pierce to the door.
“You coming over for dinner tonight?”
“I need to run by my house first and then I’ll be over. Do you want me to bring anything?” I pull the door shut and just about trip over him when I turn back because he’s stopped so close to me.
“Just you.”
I smile at his thoughtful words. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
He nods in agreement then heads out in front of me. He has no clue what I have planned for us tonight or for him, actually. I’m a little worried that he won’t go along with it, but I’m hoping with a little persuasion, he’ll see it my way.
I run inside as soon as I get home, wanting to take a shower to freshen up after a long day at work. Pierce had said he was going to do the same thing when he got home so I know I have a little bit of time. I have a bag already packed with the things that I picked up the other day and my clothes for the night, since I have no intention of coming back to my place tonight, then head out the door for hopefully an incredible evening.
It doesn’t take that long to drive over to his house since we don’t live that far apart. I let myself in, expecting to find him cooking, but I find him getting something to drink out of the refrigerator.
“I’m just gonna put my things in the bedroom,” I say as I walk by. He doesn’t respond and I don’t think anything about it. When I come back out, he’s sitting in the living, just staring out the window. I slip my shoes off, walk over to him, and lean down to give him a kiss. Still no response. My hair falls down off my shoulder just as I’m about to plant my lips on his and the next thing I know is his hand coming up and wraps around my neck.
“You thought you could sneak into my camp?” he spits out, sitting up straighter in his chair, controlling where I’m going and how close I’m able to get to him.
Instinctively, my hands come up and grip onto the arm. I’m trying to peel his fingers off and they’re not budging. What in the hell am I supposed to do? I should’ve known better than to sneak up on someone with PTSD. God, Kinlee, you’re so stupid! “Pierce. Wake up, Pierce,” I try to yell at him, but it doesn’t come out that way. He starts maneuvering me, pulling me where he wants me.
He’s having some kind of nightmare and I don’t know how to wake him up. How in the hell am I supposed to get out of this? I start hitting him. Pinching. Swinging my arms. Nothing seems to be working. The look in his eyes is pure hell. They’re open, but no one is home.
“How many are there?” He quirks his eyebrow and tilts his head to the side. “Tell me dammit or I’ll snap your neck in two.” He squeezes a little harder when I don’t answer. When I don’t give him the answer he’s looking for.
It seems the harder I fight, the harder his grip tightens. “Pierce.” The tears are running down my face. It’s getting harder to breathe. I honestly feel like I could pass out at any moment. He leans in just a bit and I do the only thing I can think of. I ram my fingers into his eyes to see if I can stun him or something; thankfully, it works. His grip loosens and I collapse on the floor, gasping for air.
Something must have clicked because he just stares at me for a couple of minutes like he’s trying to assess the situation and it finally dawns on him what he was doing. “Kinlee? Jesus, fuck, what did I do?”
I start cough, desperately trying to catch my breath. I wave my hand and let him know that I’m okay. “I’m fine. Really.” My hands are trembling. My entire body is shaking uncontrollably.
“The hell you are. I could have killed you. What in the hell were you doing anyway? You of all people should know not to sneak up on people, Kinlee.”
I’m still crying, rubbing my sore, surely bruised neck. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I wanted to give you a kiss and make you dinner. I thought you were awake.”
“We can’t do this.” He dismisses me and heads down the hall, still mumbling under his breath.
What? “What do you mean, we can’t do this?” I yell and go running after him.
He finally stops just before he enters his room, turning his head just enough for me to see the agony on his face. “Just what I said. I can’t risk hurting you.”
I stop and drop to the floor. I finally feel like things are coming together and then I had to go and do something so fucking stupid and risk everything. “You would never hurt me.”
He slams his fist into the wall. “What the fuck do you call what just happened? I had my hand wrapped around your fucking throat, for God’s sake.”
Surely, he’s not giving up on us so fast. “You didn’t do anything that day I slept with you on the couch. Pierce, I know you. There is no way you would hurt me. You had a nightmare and I did something that I shouldn’t have…”
“Kinlee, I love you, but it would kill me if I ever did anything to hurt you. I can’t take the risk.”
I brace my hands against the wall and make my way to my feet then close the gap so I’m standing right in front of him. “Is this your way of getting back at me for turning you down all those years ago?” I can’t believe I just asked him that. I know he’s not trying to hurt me. He’s trying to protect me from himself, but what he doesn’t realize is that he’s hurting both of us in the process.
The look he gives me tells me that I’ve overstepped. That I’m completely off base. Maybe I am off my rocker. “How can you say that? Yes, I was upset that you turned me down, but I’m not a vindictive asshole.”
I hang my head, pinching the bridge of my nose, trying to comprehend what exactly is happening. “I know. I’m sorry I said that. I’m just trying to understand why you said we can’t do this.”
He turns and heads for his bed, stopping just short of it and pats it. “Kinlee, come over here and
sit down for a minute.”
With shaky legs, I make my way over and sit on the side of the bed, Pierce places himself directly in front of me. I feel as if he’s caging me in and not wanting to let me go, which completely contradicts what he just said to me.
There’s nothing but sadness in his eyes when he looks up at me. “When I had to leave, knowing that I had lost you, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I kept telling myself that I could win you back, but that didn’t happen either. That wounded my pride, Kinlee, and I had to get over it. I dealt with it and moved on.” He takes hold of my hands and squeezes. “And then this happened and I’ve had to deal with this, too. When I got home, there were a lot of people telling me ‘Thank You’ and calling me their hero, but I’m not. I’m nobody’s hero.”
The words that are coming out of his mouth are ripping my soul out. The pain that I put him through is nothing compared to what he is going through now and I have no clue how to help him. I wish there was a magic button I could push to take away all his pain. I wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and make him whole again.
“But you are, don’t you see that. You’re my hero, Pierce. You have been and you always will be. It’s just taken me a while to realize that.” I don’t know what else I can say or do to convince him that I love him.
He reaches up and wipes the tears off that are running down my face. “Do you not realize what just happened out there? Who’s to say that if we’re in bed one night that it won’t happen again. Are you really willing to take that risk? ‘Cause I’m not.”
I let go of his hands and push him back slightly then crawl up on his lap. It’s a tight fit with him being in the chair, but I manage to make it work. “I love you, Pierce, and I want to be with you. We’ll figure the rest out as we go.” Now that I have him pinned beneath me, I’m able to kiss him. He tries to protest for the first two seconds but soon joins in and takes control.
His hands start wandering. It’s as if he’s touching me for the first time. His hands are shaking like he’s afraid I’m going to disappear if he stops. When we do finally break free, the look in his eyes has changed from being completely lost to having hope. There’s a twinkle there that wasn’t visible earlier.
“I’m here, Pierce, and I don’t plan on leaving. Not now; not that I’ve finally got you back in my life.”
“Promise?” he asks questionably.
“Scout’s honor,” I reply while raising up three fingers just as the scouts do.
Chapter Thirteen
I seriously can’t imagine what my life would be like right now if I hadn’t come back. Of course, I wouldn’t have come back if my parents hadn’t deceived me like they did, so I guess I owe them a big fat thank you, but I’ll never tell them that.
Eventually, everything started to fall into place. He had asked me to move in with him a few months later, which seemed to help. He was still doing his therapy like he was supposed to. Pierce and I started talking a lot more about everything that happened while I was away; while he was gone. He’d give me as much detail as he could without breaking any rules and without setting him back. He started going to a therapist who specialized with PTSD, and that was when I saw the greatest results. He asked me to go to some of his appointments with him, and I have to admit that I had a hard time listening to what he was saying. We talked about how he might avoid places or people. That there might be certain activities he might try to avoid due to the trauma. We talked about possible treatments. The doctor had mentioned medication on several occasions and Pierce was adamant that he didn’t want any part of that. He was afraid it would change him in some way. He didn’t like that. We talked about his insomnia or his nightmares when he was able to get some sleep. There were days he would come home in a slump, but once we talked, he would always cheer up. It helped, but time was really the only thing that would completely help. He’d never forget, but at least he was coming to terms with everything and moving forward. Just like he said.
“Hey, babe, can you grab the lipstick in my purse for me?” I’m in the bathroom getting ready for our date night. It never takes men that long to get ready so he’s patiently waiting for me to finish up.
“What all do you have in here? Good God, it’s like a fucking mini-mart. Is there anything you don’t carry with you? Huh…what’s this?” I hear him rustling through the contents of my purse. I forgot how messy it was. Sure hope he can find it.
“What’s what?”
“This?” I look at him through the reflection in the mirror and see him unfolding a crinkled piece of paper. There’s no mistaking the small gasp when he starts to read it. “You kept this?”
I turn around and rest against the vanity. “Of course, I kept that. I wasn’t going to throw it away. I used to read it all the time.” My heart rate quickens when I see what he has and a chill runs through my body. I thought I had that tucked away in my wallet, but I guess I didn’t if he was able to find it.
He hangs his head and runs his fingers over the words of the poem I’ve kept all these years. I found it on my windshield the day after I turned him down; I read it pretty much on a daily basis now.
“I had a sinking feeling that day I asked you to marry me. I knew when I told you that I was getting deployed again that something was wrong. The look on your face gave it away. I was so stupid. I should have just waited until I got back.”
“I’m so sorry, Pierce.”
“Don’t be sorry. We’re together now and that’s all that matters. I still can’t get over that you still have this.” He looks down at the paper again and starts reading to me.
It’s difficult to leave the one you love
About as hard as stopping a star falling from above
There are things I’m really going to miss
Like the way you used to smile after a kiss
How the sun would shine through your hair
Or when you’d look at me with that loving stare
We used to laugh, have fun, and carry on
But now I know those days are forever gone
It’s funny how the good times outweighed the bad
Believe me they were the best ones I’ve ever had
You’ve gradually been leaving me in your heart
To tell the truth it’s torn my world apart
In the past, we loved like there was no tomorrow
Now my days are filled with sorrow
I’ve done my best, but it wasn’t enough
I know sometimes I’ve really made it rough
He’s quiet for a few minutes, deep in concentration. “That’s one thing I did when I had a minute to myself.”
“What?”
“Huh? Oh, I’d write poems.” The side of his mouth quirks up.
“What about?”
“Anything. Everything. Whatever I was thinking, feeling,” he says nonchalantly.
“Can I read them?”
He looks at me like I’ve grown horns and thinks for a minute. “No one’s ever read them before.”
I walk over and kneel in front of him. “Can I be the first?”
He leans toward me and gives me a quick kiss. “I suppose, but just remember I was in a really dark place when I wrote some of those.”
His words tug at my heart. “I will.” I hope he realizes that I would never do anything to hurt him. That ship has sailed and I do not want a repeat.
He brings my hand up to his mouth and gently kisses the top. “Now, can you finish getting ready? I’m hungry.”
I lean in and give him a kiss on my way to standing upright when he grabs the back of my head, holding me in place, then deepens the kiss for a moment. “Thank you,” he says, giving me a chaste kiss before sending me on my way.
“So are you going to tell me where we’re going?” I ask as he leaves the bathroom.
He looks back over his shoulder, smiles at me, and says, “Nope,” then heads out to wait for me in the living room.
Alrighty then.
He took me to the one place that I wasn’t expecting. He took me to the place we had our first date. It’s a quaint little bistro in the next town over. Evidently, he’d called ahead for our reservation. The entire evening was very magical. We both ordered the same thing we had back then on that night. It was better than I remember. The wine that he picked out was sweet, but not too sweet. It was the moments when he pulled my hair back and would kiss my neck. It was when he would lean over and tell me how much he loved me. It was when he told me how happy he was that I was back in his life. The moment he rubbed little circles on my back or the quick slide of his hand when he brushed it against my bare leg.
The night was magical. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend the evening. My body is on high alert from all the touching he did. He may not have intended for it to get me all geared up, but it sure as hell did.
After we got inside the house, we head straight for the bedroom. We both change our clothes and get settled into bed. He pulls me closer to him, making sure his arm is securely wrapped around me. He rests his head on mine, dragging his fingertip up my back and starts toying with my hair. I rest my head against his chest and just listen to his heartbeat for a few minutes.
It saddens me a bit at the thought of how many years I let get by because of my pride and my stubbornness. We could have been doing this all along. I was young and dumb. I’d like to think that I learned from my past. I don’t plan to repeat that mistake. I wonder if Pierce ever thinks about that. I wonder if he ever ponders where we’d be right now if we had gotten married back then. Maybe this is where we’re supposed to be right now. Even though I know I made the decision, I have to believe that fate brought us back together. We were meant to be, plain and simple.
Wrapping my arm even further around him, breathing in his scent, I sigh. “This is nice, babe.”
He takes a deep breath, smelling my hair. “Mmm. Yes, it is.”
My hand starts roaming around his chest, around his neck, then back down. Slowly making my way down further, trailing my fingertips down his thigh then back up.
