William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Mean Girls

by Ian Doescher

  Thou art a most successful, caring, graceful,

  Intelligent, and lovely woman, yea.

  NORBURY Am I? Thy words describe not how I feel.

  DUVALL Canst thou not, in the calmer exc’lence of

  Thy wisdom, reconcile it with thy heart

  To say aught that shall ease our school’s disorder?

  NORBURY What?

  DUVALL —Canst thou cheer them up? O, say thou canst,

  Speak something to increase their self-esteem.

  NORBURY ’Tis not a problem of their self-esteem—

  It seemeth they are well pleas’d with themselves.

  DUVALL [aside to her:] I beg thee, please.

  NORBURY —I shall endeavor so.

  Close ye your eyes, each lady hereabouts.

  [The students close their eyes.

  I bid ye, raise your hands if e’er a lass

  Spake gossip rank of ye behind your back.

  [All students raise their hands.

  Ope ye your eyes and see who shares your plight.

  See how your comrades suffer as you do?

  Close eyes again and hear another question.

  [The students close their eyes.

  Raise hands once more if ever you have said

  Some grievous ill about your friend as well.

  [All students raise their hands.

  Ope yet again, and share communal guilt.

  See some are gossipers, some gossipees,

  But ev’ryone hath fac’d a sister’s slander.

  There hath been girl-on-girl misconduct here.

  Let us take time today for exercises,

  Which, in the doing, shall give you some ways

  T’express your anger in a healthy manner.

  We shall begin at once, with ye girls here.

  [Madam Norbury approaches some students, who begin talking with one another.

  CADY [aside:] With Madam Norbury assisting us,

  As Sherpa to our trying uphill climb,

  We each discuss some matters difficult—

  Whate’er hath bother’d us in recent months.

  Each clique, it seems, hath challenges unique.

  STUD. 18 [to Student 19:] Thou hast been prideful since thou

  mad’st the switch

  Unto short fielder on the softball squad.

  Dawn, here, agrees withal.

  STUD. 19 —Dawn, is this so?

  DAWN Drag me not down beneath your murky sea—

  I pitch tomorrow, would not sunken be.

  If our team doth not win, it is a shame,

  For ’tis one-two-three-out at th’old ball game.

  TRANG [to Sun Jin:]Why scammest thou upon my boyfriend

  gentle?

  Fie, fie! You counterfeit, you puppet, you!

  SUN JIN Puppet? Why so? Aye, that way goes the game.

  Now I perceive that she hath made compare

  Between our statures; she hath urg’d her height.

  And art thou grown so high in thine esteem,

  Because I am so dwarfish and so low?

  Thou art but jealous that I am more lik’d.

  TRANG I have no gift at all in shrewishness.

  NORBURY This strange communication, if ’tis what

  Ye need, shall serve us well. Well done, good maids.

  REGINA [rising:] May I but speak? There is, within our school,

  No problem that was born by having cliques.

  Some of us, thereby, should not forcèd be

  To listen or be present at this workshop.

  Some of us are but victims of these crimes.

  NORBURY A point well ta’en, Miss George, and likely true:

  How many of ye here have pers’nally felt

  Ye have been victimized e’en by Regina?

  [All students except Regina raise their hands, and all teachers, too.

  DUVALL [aside:] Though it brings shame, I too must raise my

  hand.

  REGINA [aside:] Sorrow on thee and all the pack of you,

  That triumph thus upon my misery!

  NORBURY ’Tis well, thank ye for sharing honestly.

  Who shall be next in our discussion? Cady.

  Is there a matter thou wouldst here confess?

  CADY [aside:] I should say yea, but courage fails me. [To

  Madam Norbury:] Nay.

  NORBURY Ne’er hast thou, whether by mishap or malice,

  A rumor launch’d concerning anyone?

  CADY [aside:] The truth doth burn—I said that thou sell’st

  drugs!

  [To Madam Norbury:] Nay.

  NORBURY —Naught for which thou

  wouldst apologize?

  CADY [aside:] She doth not fathom my predicament:

  Were I to make apology to her,

  The Burn Book blame would fall on me at once.

  [To Madam Norbury:] Nay, nay, I say again, and shall

  not change.

  NORBURY My disappointment in thee only grows.

  [To all:] We are drawn hither by this beastly book—

  I know not who would write so foul a thing,

  Yet ye must cease the cries of “whore!” and “slut!”

  Your actions give permission unto lads

  To call ye whores and speak of sluttery.

  Who here hath been accus’d of sluttishness?

  [Some students raise their hands, including Karen, who smiles.

  I bid ye stand to face the next pursuit.

  [Students stand, and teachers hand them writing utensils and paper.

  CADY [aside:] Now Madam Norbury shall have us write

  Apologies to people we have hurt.

  These shall we read aloud, then bravely fall

  Into the waiting arms of all our classmates.

  [Students gather around a platform. One student at a time reads her apology, then falls safely into the waiting arms of other students.

  STUD. 20 In friendship have I fail’d thee, kind Alyssa,

  Ne’er should have callèd thee a gap-tooth’d wench.

  ’Tis not thy fault thy teeth are so widespread,

  An ’twere a vast canal betwixt two cliffs.

  KAREN Dear Gretchen, my apologies for laughing

  When thou with diarrhea wast beset

  At the booksellers in the hindmost section—

  E’en sorrier that I told ev’ryone,

  And sorry, too, that I retell it now.

  STUD. 21 I hate thee not because thou art so fat,

  Kind Laura—thou art fat because I hate thee.

  STUD. 22 Would that we could be friends, as we have been

  Back, once upon a time, in middle school.

  Would that I could create a luscious cake,

  Whose recipe doth call for smiles and rainbows,

  Which we would feast upon, and happy be.

  DAMIAN She doth not even go here!

  NORBURY —Verily?

  [to Student 22:] Art thou a student here at North

  Shore High?

  STUD. 22 Nay, yet I have so many feelings.

  NORBURY —Go!

  [Exit Student 22.

  DUVALL [aside to Madam Norbury:] Wise Sharon, thou

  comport’st thyself so well.

  NORBURY My thanks—it seems I somehow muddle through.

  GRETCHEN I’m sorry ye feel jealous when ye see me;

  ’Tis not my fault that I am popular.

  If I do feign, you witnesses above

  Punish my life for tainting my self-love!

  [Gretchen falls and no one catches her except Karen. They both fall to the ground.

  NORBURY Alas, what hath befallen! Ah, you two—

  Get up and walk a little, mend yourselves.

  GRETCHEN That hurt!

  KAREN —Alack!

  NORBURY —They shall be well enow.

  Who shall be next to tell their inmost truth?

  [Cady is next in line. She begins to exit in embarrassment.

  JANIS [asi
de:] I’ll jump the line ere Cady flies away—

  She shall not ’scape before I’ve had my say.

  [Janis mounts the platform.

  REGINA By heaven, ’tis her greatest fantasy—

  A pile of girls in which to jump and play.

  JANIS Indeed, I have a frank apology.

  I have a new friend who is newly come—

  A North Shore High School novice verily—

  Whom I convinc’d it would be rather fun

  To make Regina George’s life a mess.

  I bid her play a role in my deceit:

  To be Regina’s friend and new sworn sister.

  She would spend stretches at Regina’s side,

  Then to my house fly with the highest speed

  To tell me of the ire and foolishness

  That had escap’d from mean Regina’s mouth.

  We then would laugh to hear the motley tales.

  Our counterfeit turn’d to malevolence—

  We gave Regina candy bars that made

  Her gain the weight that she would rather lose.

  We also turn’d her closest friends from her

  And caught them in our net of treachery.

  My friend, this Cady, soon was trading kisses

  With Aaron Samuels, once Regina’s love,

  And then bid him to break up with Regina.

  We, too, did give her foot cream, not face wash.

  By Jove, I am so sorry, poor Regina.

  I know not wherefore we have acted so.

  Belike ’tis that I have a crush on thee—

  A giant, Sapphic, lesbianic crush.

  Methinks this kind confession suits thee well!

  [Janis jumps into the waiting arms with a cry of victory.

  ALL Hurrah for Janis! Janis is our lass!

  [Regina walks out of the gymnasium to the street, pursued by Cady. Regina crosses the street.

  CADY Regina, wait! I bid thee, stop and hear!

  I did not wish upon thee this event.

  REGINA To hear the school entire doth hate me, eh?

  I do not care.

  CADY —Regina, prithee!

  [Regina turns back and approaches Cady in the street. Students and teachers emerge from the gymnasium to witness the scene.

  REGINA —Nay!

  Know’st thou what all do say about thee, Cady?

  They say thou art a homeschool’d jungle freak,

  Who is a less fair version of myself.

  Try not to act completely innocent!

  Instead, take thine apology absurd

  And shove it in thy hairy, hideous—

  [A bus suddenly and forcefully strikes Regina.

  CADY O Fate, have you been watching over us—

  Hath justice been deliver’d by a bus?

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 1

  At the Heron residence and North Shore High School.

  Enter several STUDENTS, singing a funeral dirge.

  STUDENTS [singing:] Done to death by sland’rous tongues

  Was Regina who here lies.

  Wrench the heart and burst the lungs

  Telling of the harsh surprise.

  Lack-a-day, Regina’s gone,

  Dark the night and bleak the dawn.

  Enter CADY HERON.

  CADY The sad report is mine to make, and I’m

  Asham’d to say the truth, which cometh with

  Regret and grief: ’tis how death came to her.

  STUDENTS [singing:] For the which, with songs of woe,

  We sing out our mournful song.

  Round about her tomb we go,

  Sadder than the day is long.

  Lack-a-day, Regina’s gone,

  Dark the night and bleak the dawn.

  [Exeunt students.

  CADY Nay, ’tis a jest, Regina did not die!

  She hath been hurt, indeed, but not to death.

  The rumors swirl’d an ’twere Charybdis’ pool,

  With strength to pull in any who drew near.

  ’Twas said her head did turn completely ’round,

  As if it were the earth, her neck its axis.

  ’Twas said I push’d her in the path of harm,

  Which were foul words far worse than any other.

  Enter LADY HERON and SIR HERON, in their residence. CADY sits at a table with them.

  LADY H. Hast thou no stomach for this supper, Cady?

  Mayhap thy conscience overwhelms thy belly.

  CADY Nay, Mother, prithee: I am not to blame.

  LADY H. Forsooth, I know not what I should believe.

  CADY If thou dost seek a cause for thy belief,

  Believe in me, thy humble daughter true.

  I should be testament and proof enow

  To satisfy thine anxious unbelief.

  [Lady Heron begins putting dishes away.

  LADY H. Canst thou, my daughter faithful, say wherefore

  My tribal vases hide beneath the sink,

  As if they shirk’d in shame at some foul deed?

  CADY Beg pardon, Mother?

  LADY H. —Wilt thou play one scene

  Of excellent dissembling, let it look

  Like perfect honor? These, my precious vases:

  Why were they here conceal’d beneath the sink?

  CADY [aside:] I know, but shall not say. [To Lady Heron:]

  I do not know.

  LADY H. These are the vases of fertility

  Of the magnificent Ndebele tribe.

  They priceless are, and irreplaceable.

  Doth this mean anything to thee? Pray tell!

  CADY Nay, little. Less than none.

  LADY H. —What hath befallen?

  Who art thou? Verily, I know thee not.

  [Exit Lady Heron.

  CADY This is the perfect end to fortune’s fall:

  My friends despise me. Now my mother, too.

  SIR H. Thy mother doth not, could not thee despise.

  She is afeard of how thou dost mature.

  We, peradventure, err’d with actions swift,

  Too quickly enter’d thee in mainstream schooling.

  Belike returning home for school once more

  Would give thee space thou needest to be whole.

  CADY Nay, though for mercy I do thank thee, Father.

  ’Twould be e’en worse to hide myself from school

  Than to return and face what I have done.

  SIR H. How bad a situation shall it be

  When thou again arrivest on the morrow?

  CADY Dost thou remember when, in Africa,

  We saw some lions fighting angrily

  O’er one small carcass of a warthog slain?

  I’ll warrant ’twill be I who is the warthog.

  SIR H. My daughter is no warthog. Thou art lion—

  O thou art woman, I can hear thee roar.

  CADY O Father kind, thy discourse serves to make me

  Determin’d to achieve my final goal.

  SIR H. Give focus to thy studies for a while.

  Thou still, in classes, art superior,

  Is this not true?

  CADY —Alas, there’s one thing more.

  My mathematics test, for calculus,

  Thou must inscribe thy signature withal.

  SIR H. Yet wherefore?

  CADY —I am failing in the class.

  SIR H. Ah, ’tis a problem I cannot o’erlook.

  Thou art—what is the word? Thou grounded art.

  CADY I like it not, but do accept the sentence.

  [Exit Sir Heron. Cady walks to school.

  Next, school I must endure, with frightful nerves.

  Enter JANIS IAN, DAMIAN, and other STUDENTS. CADY finds that her desk has been removed.

  DAMIAN Alas, a lass can find no seat—alas.

  CADY [aside:] My desk is ta’en, for they are mad at me.

  Behind the student flatulent I’ll sit,

  Though it may cost my nostrils and my pride.

  [The gassy studen
t releases a swift squeak of flatulence.

  GASSY STD. [aside:] This Cady hath become the school’s pariah.

  My derrière shall put her in her place.

  This is a sweet revenge, though not so sweet.

  [The bell rings. Exeunt all students except Cady, who walks to her next class.

  CADY [aside:] How shameful and disgraceful is this day—

  At luncheon, ev’ry eye was fix’d on me.

  E’en as the volume of the din decreas’d,

  I heard a voice exclaim, “There is the one—

  She who did shove Regina ’fore the bus!”

  Another whisper’d, “Didst thou see the deed?”

  The many there were hungrier for gossip

  Than for the lunches that before them sat.

  No table held a place of refuge for me.

  Instead, as on the day I first arriv’d,

  I found a lonely dining place within

  The stalls inside the women’s restroom. O,

  This sad, long loneliness doth sour this day.

  Enter SIR DUVALL and two POLICEMEN. Enter AARON SAMUELS and other STUDENTS in mathematics class.

  DUVALL Take heed, ye class of Madam Norbury,

  We have some inquiries to ask of ye:

  Has e’er your teacher tried to sell or give

  You marijuana for a pastime smoke,

  Or tablets made of ecstasy’s mystique?

  STUD. 23 Nay, never.

  STUD. 24 —What are marijuana tablets?

  [Cady arrives at her seat.

  CADY [to Aaron:] What doth unfold? Where’s Madam

  Norbury?

  AARON [to Sir Duvall:] Good Sir Duvall, this is ridiculous—

  An errant search to find a phantom crime.

  Kind Madam Norbury ne’er selleth drugs.

  DUVALL Inside my heart I know ’tis true, indeed.

  Yet after ev’ry allegation ’gainst

  Coach Carr did prove to be extremely true,

  The school board hath insisted ev’ry claim

  Within the pages of the wretched book

  Shall forthwith be investigated, Aaron.

  AARON ’Twas written by a scorn of silly lasses—

  Which, like a pride of lions, leap of salmon,

  A romp of otters, prickle form’d by hedgehogs,

  A plump of seals, a squabble made of seagulls—

  Most aptly doth describe their greatest feature.

  These lasses spend their time devising rumors

  Whilst facing all the boredom of their lives.

  DUVALL A noble speech and proper, Aaron, yet

  Unless an individual comes forth

  And doth declare, “ ’Tis I who am to blame!

  The fiction of the book was my creation!”

  We must continue in this rigid way.

  CADY [aside:] This wrong I must make right, and bid