by Nick Russell
"Do you have any on you, Uncle Billy?"
"No, John Lee, I don't," he said shaking his head. “I've never passed a bad bill in Somerton County. I wouldn't do that because I respect you."
In spite of himself, John Lee had to chuckle, and asked, "And I guess that makes it okay?"
"No, I don't guess it makes it okay, but what can I say? I have ethics, John Lee. They might not be the greatest ethics in the world, but they’re mine."
"Let's hear the rest of it. What else have you been up to besides the fake bills? And don’t you lie to me, Uncle Billy?"
"I’d never lie to you, John Lee."
"You say you’d never lie to me, but you’re passing bad money around. You never told me about that."
“You never asked! Can we call it a sin of omission?”
John Lee shook his head and said, “Come on, spill it. What else?"
For the next 45 minutes Billy told him about his scams. About how he would go into a grocery store and purchase two or three steaks and put them away in his motorhome’s refrigerator and then go back later and show the receipt and say that he bought his groceries, but when he got home, the steaks were missing. "You’d be surprised, they never question that at all," Billy told him. “They just give you new ones."
"So, you respect me, but at the same time, you fed me and Maddy stolen steaks the other night," John Lee said.
"I didn't make you eat anything, and you damn sure seemed to enjoy it, John Lee," Billy said with a grin. “Besides, the ones I gave you and Maddy were the ones I paid for, if that's any consolation to you."
“Do you really expect me to believe that bullshit, Uncle Billy?"
The old reprobate shrugged his shoulders and said with a sly grin, "It was worth a shot."
“So, you're ripping off grocery stores and passing bad money. And you mentioned something about refunding. What's that all about?"
"Damn, you want to know all my secrets, don't you, boy?"
"Right now we’re just having a conversation, Uncle Billy. This is off the record."
"But what happens afterward?"
"I really don't know," John Lee admitted. “Tell me about the refunding."
"That's not as easy as it used to be," Billy admitted. “But the way it works is, I go into a big department store, one of those big box store places. I walk around a little bit and pick up a power saw or something like that and go to the customer service counter and tell them that I bought it for my brother-in-law for his birthday but it turns out he only wants a Craftsman, and I'm sure Black & Decker is a good saw, but he's just so stubborn about things like that. I say my sister asked me if I could return this one and get a Craftsman. And I always say I’m happy to pay the difference if there is one."
“So they give you a different saw. What do you gain by that?"
"No," Billy said, grinning like a fox in a hen house. “See, I do my homework first, John Lee. I go to a store that only carries one or two brands and I always want something I know they don't carry. For example, I take the Black & Decker saw to the service desk and I tell them I need to exchange it for a Craftsman, and they tell me they don't carry Craftsman tools. I ask if they can order me one, and they tell me no, they don't do that. So I say, well then, I guess I need a refund. If they ask me for a receipt, I kind of act befuddled and go through all my pockets and say I know I have it somewhere, I just don’t know where. It don't take long for them to think I'm just a harmless old man and they give me the money and send me on my way most of the time."
"Most of the time? What happens the other times?"
"I say I’ll find the receipt and come back and ask if I can leave the saw there until I do. They always say no, they don’t have a way to keep track of it and I walk out with the saw. Eventually, I find someone I can sell it to for about half of what it cost new."
"You know what, Uncle Billy? I've dealt with just about every kind of criminal there is, but you beat anything I've ever run across."
"I consider that a compliment, John Lee."
"It wasn't meant to be."
“What happens now?"
“To be honest with you, I don't know," John Lee admitted. “Technically. I didn't have a search warrant to come in here. It was what they call exigent circumstances. I came in because there was a burglary in process. Legally I had no right to open that folder, so it probably wouldn't hold up in court."
“Are you letting me go?"
"I didn't say that," John Lee replied, shaking his head. “I really don't know what I'm going to do yet. In the meantime, like they say in those old cop movies, don't leave town for a while, okay?"
"It's gonna be another day or two before we can get the brakes finished. Especially with this bum hand."
"Okay. You stay put until I talk to you again," John Lee said. Then he pointed his finger at Billy and said, “And don't you dare pull any of your stunts anywhere in this county. Do we understand each other?"
Billy drew his fingers across his chest and said, “I won’t, John Lee. Cross my heart and hope to die."
"You know, Uncle Billy, if it was anybody else, I'd run your ass in. And I still might before this is all over with."
“I guess you have to do what you have to do, John Lee. But I sure hope you don't.”
John Lee shook his head and stood up. “Take care of that hand, Uncle Billy," he said as he walked out the door.
Paw Paw came across the yard as John Lee was getting in his car.
"Everything okay, John Lee?"
He didn't know what to say to his grandfather, so he just shook his head and said, "I can't talk right now, Paw Paw. I'll catch you later."
"What happened with Bella?"
"I said I can't talk right now. Leave it there, okay?"
His grandfather looked at him, then toward the motorhome and back at him again, and simply nodded his head. John Lee started the car, put it in reverse and backed out of the driveway, driving back to town.
Paw Paw watched him drive away with concern on his face. John Lee had never cut him off so shortly like that. He watched the car drive away, then knocked on the RV’s door to check on his oldest friend.
Chapter 32
"No way!" Maddy stared at John Lee as if he had just told her that bunny rabbits could talk. "Uncle Billy is passing bad money?"
"I wouldn't have believed it myself," John Lee told her. "But I saw the fake bills."
"I don't know whether to laugh or cry," Maddy said. “I mean, we both know that's illegal, and if it was anybody else, they’d be in jail already. But Uncle Billy? He's always been a character, but this one really floors me."
“Me, too," John Lee said. “But it’s not just the money. Let me tell you about those steaks we had for dinner the other night."
After he told her how Billy had worked the steak scam at the grocery store, Maddy said, "My God, John Lee. If you were to sprout wings and fly out the window of this car right now, I wouldn’t be more surprised than what you're telling me."
“Wait, you haven’t heard about the refunding scam," he told her, then laid out how Billy had been working that angle. "Do you know he has a cleric’s collar in his closet?"
"A collar? Like priests wear?"
"Yeah, and other kinds of ministers, too, I guess,” John Lee said. “And look at these,” he said, handing her half a dozen business cards identifying Billy as a doctor, a psychotherapist, a retired Air Force Colonel, and several other professional titles which he had claimed to be.
"What the hell does he do with these, John Lee?"
"The way he explained it to me, when he is working one of his scams with a power saw or whatever it is, if he's wearing the clerical collar, they never even question him. Or sometimes while he's sorting through his stuff looking for the receipt, he’ll give the clerk his business card and says to give him a call if they need a doctor, or a therapist, or whatever he's pretending to be at the moment. He says a store clerk making minimum wage doesn't question him because he's a person of autho
rity in their mind."
Maddy laughed in spite of herself and asked, "What happens if he tells somebody he's a doctor and they start asking him medical questions?"
"I asked him the same thing," John Lee told her. "He said it happens all the time. Someone will start talking about a pain in their side or their back, or something like that. He’ll have them point to where it's at and ask how long it's been hurting, and then tell them that it's probably nothing serious, but they might want to talk to their family doctor if it continues. When he's wearing his collar and someone tells him about their grandson who’s using drugs, he tells them he'll be sure to pray for the young man. I swear to God, Maddy, he should have gone directly to Hollywood when he got out of the Army, because that old man is one hell of an actor."
“It’s like that old guy is a one-man crime wave.”
“Tell me about it.”
"What are you going to do about it, John Lee?"
"I have no idea," he admitted. "I mean, he's the closest thing to a real uncle I’ve ever had, and I love the guy. But at the same time, he's a thief."
"And he's also Paw Paw's best friend. You’ve got to keep that in mind, John Lee."
"Don't think I haven't been thinking about that, too. I just don't know what the hell to do, Maddy."
"The way you'd told it, with his hand messed up, he’s not going to be leaving anytime soon, right? Maybe you just need to sit on all of this for a little bit and mull it over in your mind before you make any quick decisions."
"I shouldn’t have even told you about this," he told her. “A police officer having knowledge of a crime and not reporting it or doing something about it is a crime in itself. We both know that. Now I’ve put you in the same position I'm in."
"Oh, no, John Lee," Maddy said, shaking her head. “We never had this conversation. You're on your own on this one, buddy."
"Thanks a lot!"
“I can’t go to jail, John Lee. I’m too pretty. There are women in there who would do bad things to me. Or worse yet, make me do bad things to them!”
He laughed and shook his head. “Thanks for your support.”
They were sitting in John Lee's car in the parking lot of the courthouse. Both stared out the window silently for a moment or two, and then John Lee asked, “How did your range time go?"
"It's been a while since I've shot a gun," she told him. "But I managed to hit the target every time, so I guess that's okay. Dick signed off on me and said I was good to go."
"That's good. If we get in a shootout, I damn sure don't want you to put a bullet in my ass by mistake."
"Not that cute little ass of yours," Maddy said, smiling at him, then added, “But come to think of it, you’re pretty, too. Maybe a little disfigurement might save you some grief if you go to jail, too. I’ve heard those showers can be very unpleasant for some guys.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that, too.”
“Did you catch up with D.W. and give him the rundown on what we found out yesterday?"
"Yeah, I did," he said. "He thinks that telling Sonny Rittenhouse anything about it isn't going to accomplish anything and would only make things worse for him."
"I guess that makes sense," Maddy said. “So, what are we gonna do now?"
“We need to talk to Vince Agosti," John Lee said. "I want to find out more about this real estate deal that he was involved in with Lonnie."
"Bullshit. You want to get another look at that trophy wife of his, don't you?"
"You know I only have eyes for you, Maddy."
"You are such a liar,” she said, laughing. “The day you stop looking at beautiful women is the day they stick you in the ground. What the hell? Let’s go. I might check her out, too."
***
Amanda Agosti answered the door wearing a bathing suit that wasn't much more than a small triangle of thin fabric on the bottom and a slender ribbon across the top. If she was at all uncomfortable to find two relative strangers standing at her door looking at her dressed that way, she didn't show it. When John Lee told her that they needed to talk to her husband, she said, “Follow me," and led them through the house. John Lee tried not to stare at her nearly naked rear end as they made their way through the house, but it was not an easy task to do so. Her husband was sitting on the back deck drinking one of his expensive craft beers and looked up at them.
“Did you catch who killed Lonnie and that broad?"
"Her name was Audrey, sir," John Lee said. "And no, we haven't caught them yet.”
“So why ain’t you out looking for who did it instead of standing here?”
“We need to ask you some questions," John Lee said.
Agosti waved them toward a set of chairs on the deck and said, "Cop a squat."
They did, and his wife laid down on a lounge chair directly across from them, spreading her legs slightly and closing her eyes. It took a bit of effort for John Lee to ignore her, and he didn't manage completely, but he turned to her husband and said, "I understand there was some kind of a real estate deal that you were involved in with Lonnie. Can you tell me about that?"
Agosti pointed at his own chest, shaking his head. "Me? No, I wasn't involved in any kind of deals with Lonnie."
"Really? That's strange, because Darci has told me several times that there was some kind of a real estate deal and you were unhappy with the way things were working out with it."
Agosti waved his hand dismissively and said, "That girl don't know her ass from a hole in the ground."
If Amanda took any offense to the way her husband was talking about her younger sister, she didn't show it.
“So, what you're telling us is that you don't have any kind of a real estate deal now, or in the past, that Lonnie was involved with?"
"That's what I said. The only real estate deal I had any part of myself was buying this place here. And Lonnie didn't handle that sale. It was just raw land I bought and had a house built on."
“Then why would Darci say that?"
"Look, Darci's an airhead, alright? Don't get me wrong, she's my wife's sister and I like her and all that stuff I'm supposed to do, but she's about a quart low on her best days."
"According to her, you and Lonnie argued quite a bit about whatever this deal was. In fact, she said a while back you had him up against the wall in your garage with your hands around his neck threatening him."
"Never happened," Agosti said, shaking his head.
"I'm confused," John Lee told him. “Why am I getting all these stories that contradict each other?"
"Hell if I know," Agosti said, taking a long drink from his beer. Across from him, Amanda made a slight noise and John Lee looked to see that she had raised her legs so that her feet were flat on the lounge chair and her legs spread somewhat more. He looked away and said, "So the only relationship you had with Lonnie was that he was your brother-in-law?"
"Maybe I helped him out a little bit from time to time when money was tight," Agosti said.
"Helped him out? How did you help them out?"
"Lonnie liked to live above his means. A couple of times he was getting behind on things and I loaned him some money to get caught up."
“And did he pay you back?"
Agosti tilted his head slightly and looked at John Lee and said, "Trust me, if anybody owes me money, they pay me back. I don't care if it's family or not, business is business."
“I think we asked you this before, but do you know of anybody who might have it in for Lonnie?"
"Yeah, the husband of that broad that was with him when he got killed."
"Sonny Rittenhouse?"
“I don't know his name, but if I were you, I'd be talking to him, not sitting here looking at my old lady’s cooch."
John Lee felt his face redden slightly, but only asked, "Why do you say that Audrey's husband might have something to do with what happened?"
"Because Lonnie was putting the meat to her. What do you expect?"
"And Sonny knew about that?"
"It's a
small town, how could he not know?"
"How did you know that they were sexually involved?"
Agosti shook his head and said, "I ain't stupid. Besides, I heard Darci telling Amanda about it."
"And didn't you and Lonnie have an altercation about that?"
The man's eyes narrowed and he said, "Don't even think that, Deputy. I didn't kill him. I was right here all day the day that happened. If you don't believe me, ask my wife. That is if you can take your eyes off her twat."
John Lee made it a point to look at Amanda's face when he asked, "Mrs. Agosti, is that true?"
"Vince never left the house that day,” she said.
"If you're done wasting my time, I got better things to do than sit here answering questions all day," Agosti said.
John Lee looked at Maddy and then back at him and said, "We're done. For now."
"Then take a last look at what you can’t have and get the hell out of here," Agosti said, tilting his head back as he drained his beer and set the empty bottle down on the table next to his chair.
Chapter 33
"That man is one of the most despicable human beings I've ever seen," Maddy said as they pulled out of the Agosti driveway. “It was all I could do not to tell him to shut his mouth, the way he was talking about his wife. Why would a woman put up with that, John Lee?"
"Beats me. He makes it real plain that she's bought and paid for, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with that. I guess anybody who's not willing to settle for that can’t understand it. I know I damn sure can't."
They were nearing his house and Maddy asked, "Can we stop here for a minute? I have to pee.”
“Sure,” John Lee said, turning into his driveway. Magic met them at the car, bouncing with excitement at seeing Maddy.
"I love you, boy, but I have to do something else first,” she said going up the steps and across the deck and into the house using the key that John Lee had handed her. He sat outside on the deck with the dog, throwing the Kong once or twice. Then he heard Maddy calling him from inside. "John Lee, can you come in here for a minute?"
