Confess

by Colleen Hoover

  " 'Every time I go out to eat, I secretly pay for someone's meal. I can't afford it, but I do it because it makes me feel good to imagine what that moment must be like for them, to know a complete stranger just did something nice for them with no expectations in return.' "

  She smiles, but she needs another good one. I sift through the box until I find the one printed on blue construction paper. "Read this one. It's my favorite."

  " 'Every night after my son falls asleep, I hide a brand-new toy in his room. Every morning when he wakes up and finds it, I pretend not to know how it got there. Because Christmas should come every day and I never want my son to stop believing in magic.' "

  She laughs and looks up at me appreciatively. "That kid's gonna be sad when he wakes up in his college dorm for the first time and doesn't have a new toy." She places it back in the box and continues sifting through them. "Are any of these your own?"

  "No. I've never written one."

  She looks at me in shock. "Never?"

  I shake my head and she tilts hers in confusion. "That's not right, Owen." She immediately stands and leaves the room. I'm confused as to what's going on, but before I take the time to stand up and follow her, she returns. "Here," she says, handing me a sheet of paper and a pen. Sitting back down on the floor in front of me, she nods her head at the paper and encourages me to write.

  I look down at the paper when I hear her say, "Write something about yourself that no one else knows. Something you've never told anyone."

  I smile when she says this, because there is so much I could tell her. So much that she probably wouldn't even believe, and so much I'm not even sure I want her to know.

  "Here." I tear the paper in half and hand a piece of it to her. "You have to write one, too."

  I write mine first, but as soon as I'm done, she takes the pen from me. She writes hers without hesitation. She folds it and begins to throw it in the box, but I stop her. "We have to trade."

  She immediately shakes her head. "You aren't reading mine," she says firmly.

  She's so adamant, it makes me want to read it even more. "It's not a confession if no one reads it. It's just an unshared secret."

  She shoves her hand inside the box and releases her confession into the pile of other confessions. "You don't have to read it in front of me in order for it to be considered a confession." She grabs the paper out of my hands and shoves it into the box along with hers and all the others. "You don't read any of the others as soon as they write them."

  She makes a good point, but I'm extremely disappointed that I don't know what she just wrote down. I want to pour the box out onto the floor and sift through the confessions until I find hers, but she stands up and reaches down for my hand.

  "Walk me home, Owen. It's getting late."

  We walk most of the way to her apartment in complete silence. Not an uncomfortable silence in any way. I think we're both quiet because neither of us is ready to say good-bye just yet.

  She doesn't pause when we reach her apartment building in order to say good-bye to me. She keeps walking, expecting that I'll follow her.

  I do.

  I follow behind her, all the way to apartment 1408. I stare at the pewter number plaque on her door, and I want to ask her if she's ever seen the horror movie 1408, with John Cusack. But I'm afraid if she's never heard of it, she might not like that there's a horror movie with the same name as her apartment number.

  She inserts her key into the lock and pushes open the door. After it's open she turns around to face me, but not before motioning toward the apartment number. "Eerie, huh? You ever seen the movie?"

  I nod. "I wasn't going to bring it up."

  She glances at the number and sighs. "I found my roommate online, so she already lived here. Believe it or not, Emory had a choice between three apartments and actually chose this one because of the creepy correlation to the movie."

  "That's a little disturbing."

  She nods and inhales a breath. "She's . . . different."

  She looks down at her feet.

  I inhale and look up at the ceiling.

  Our eyes meet in the middle, and I hate this moment. I hate it because I'm not finished talking to her, but it's time for her to go. It's way too soon for a kiss, but the discomfort of a first date coming to an end is there. I hate this moment because I can feel how uncomfortable she is as she waits for me to tell her good night.

  Rather than do the expected, I point inside her apartment. "Mind if I use your restroom before I head back?"

  That's platonic enough but still gives me an excuse to talk to her a little more. She glances inside, and I see a flash of doubt cross her face because she doesn't know me, and she doesn't know that I would never hurt her, and she wants to do the right thing and protect herself. I like that. It makes me worry a little less, knowing she has a semblance of self-preservation.

  I smile innocently. "I already promised I wouldn't torture, rape, or kill you."

  I don't know why this makes her feel better, but she laughs. "Well, since you promised," she says, holding the door open wider, allowing me inside her apartment. "But just in case, you should know I'm very loud. I can scream like Jamie Lee Curtis."

  I shouldn't be thinking about what she sounds like when she's loud. But she brought it up.

  She points me in the direction of her restroom, and I walk inside, closing the door behind me. I grip the edges of her sink while looking in the mirror. I try to tell myself again that this is nothing more than a coincidence. Her showing up at my doorstep tonight. Her connecting with my art. Her having the same middle name as I do.

  That could be fate, you know.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Auburn

  What the hell am I doing? I don't do this kind of thing. I don't invite guys into my home.

  Texas is turning me into a whore.

  I put on a pot of coffee, knowing full well I don't need caffeine. But after the day I've had, I know I won't be able to sleep anyway, so what the hell?

  Owen walks out of the restroom, but he doesn't make his way back to the door. Instead, a painting catches his eye on the far wall of the living room. He walks slowly to it and studies it.

  He better not say anything negative about it. He's an artist, though. He'll probably critique it. What he doesn't realize is that painting is the last thing Adam made me before he passed away, and it means more to me than anything else I own. If Owen criticizes it, I'll kick him out. Whatever this flirtation is that's going on between us will be over faster than it started.

  "Is this yours?" he asks, pointing at the painting.

  Here we go.

  "It's my roommate's," I lie.

  I feel like he'll be more honest in his critique if he doesn't think it belongs to me.

  He glances back at me and watches me for a few seconds before facing the painting again. He runs his fingers over the center of it, where the two hands are being pulled apart. "Incredible," he says quietly, as if he's not even speaking to me.

  "He was," I say under my breath, knowing he can hear me, but not really caring. "Do you want a cup of coffee?"

  He says yes without turning to face me. He stares at the painting for a while longer and then continues around the living room, taking everything in. Luckily, since most of my stuff is still back in Oregon, the only trace of me in this entire apartment is that painting, so he won't be able to learn anything else about me.

  I pour him a cup of coffee and slide it across the bar. He makes his way into the kitchen and takes a seat, pulling it to him. I pass him the cream and sugar when I finish with them, but he waves them away and takes a sip.

  I can't believe he's sitting here in my apartment. What shocks me even more is that I feel somewhat comfortable with it. He's probably the only guy since Adam that I've had the urge to flirt with. Not that I haven't dated at all since then. I've been on a few dates. Well, two. And only one of those ended with a kiss.

  "You said you met your roommate online?" he asks.
"How did that happen?"

  He just seems to want to cut right to the core with his heavy questions, so I'm relieved he's finally given me a light one. "I applied for a job online when I decided to move here from Portland. She spoke with me over the phone and by the end of the conversation, she'd invited me to move in with her and share the lease."

  He smiles. "Must have been a great first impression."

  "It wasn't that," I say. "She just needed someone to split her rent or she would have been evicted."

  He laughs. "Talk about perfect timing."

  "You can say that again."

  "Talk about perfect timing," he says again with a grin.

  I laugh at him. He's not what I initially expected when I first walked into his studio. I assumed artists were quiet, brooding, and emotional creatures. Owen actually seems very put together. He's definitely mature for his age, considering he runs a successful business, but he's also very down-to-earth and . . . fun. His life seems to have a good balance, and that's probably the thing I find most attractive about him.

  And yet, a conflicted feeling consumes me, because I can see where this is headed. And for a typical girl in her twenties, this would be exciting and fun. Something you would be texting your best friend about. Hey, I met this really attractive, successful guy, and he actually seems normal.

  But my situation is anything but typical, which explains the mound of hesitation that keeps growing alongside my nervousness and anticipation. I find myself curious about him, and every now and then, I catch myself staring at his lips or his neck or those hands, which seem capable of doing a hell of a lot of magnificent things, aside from just painting.

  But the hesitation I'm feeling is due in large part to me and my inexperience, because I'm not sure I'd know what to do with my hands if it came down to it. I try to remind myself of scenes in movies or books where the guy and girl are attracted to each other and how they go from that initial moment of attraction to the point of . . . acting on it. It's been so long since I was with Adam, I forget what comes next.

  Of course I'm not sleeping with him tonight, but it's been so damn long since I've even felt comfortable enough to consider someone worthy of kissing. I just don't want my inexperience to reveal itself, which I'm sure it already has.

  This lack of confidence is really getting in the way of my thoughts, and apparently our conversation, because I'm not speaking and he's just staring.

  And I like it. I like it when he stares at me, because it's been a long time since I've felt beautiful in someone else's eyes. And right now, he's watching me so closely and with such a satisfied, heated look in his eyes, I would be fine if we spent the rest of the night just doing this and not speaking at all.

  "I want to paint you," he says, breaking the silence. His voice is full of all the confidence I lack.

  Apparently my heart is worried I forgot it existed, because it's giving me a loud and fast reminder of its presence in my chest. I do my best to swallow without his noticing. "You want to paint me?" I ask in an embarrassingly weak voice.

  He nods slowly. "Yes."

  I smile and try to play off the fact that his words just became the most erotic thing a guy has ever said to me. "I don't . . ." I release a breath to try to calm myself down. "Would it be . . . you know . . . with clothes on? Because I'm not posing nude."

  I expect him to smile or laugh at this comment, but he doesn't. He stands up, slowly, and brings his cup of coffee back to his mouth. I like how he drinks his coffee. Like his coffee is so important, it deserves all of his attention. When he's finished, he sets it on the bar and gives me his focus, fixing me with a pointed stare. "You don't even have to be there when I paint you. I just want to paint you."

  I don't know why he's standing now, but it makes me nervous. The fact that he's standing means either he's about to leave, or he's about to make a move. Neither of which I'm ready for quite yet.

  "How will you paint me if I'm not there?" I hate that I can't fake the confidence that surrounds him like an aura.

  He confirms my fear that he's about to make a move, because he slowly works his way around the bar, toward me. I'm eyeing him the entire time until my back is against the counter and he's standing directly in front of me. He lifts his right hand and--yes, I know you're in there, heart--his fingers brush lightly beneath my chin, slowly tilting my face upward. I gasp. His eyes fall to my mouth before scanning slowly over my features, lingering on each one, giving every part of me from the neck up his complete and total focus. I watch his eyes as they move from my jaw, to my cheekbones, to my forehead, back to my eyes again.

  "I'll paint you from memory," he says as he releases my face. He takes two steps back until he meets the counter behind him. I don't realize how heavily I'm breathing until I see his gaze fall to my chest for a brief second. But I honestly don't have time to worry about whether or not my reaction is obvious to him, because all I can focus on right now is how to get oxygen back into my lungs and a voice back into my throat. I inhale a shaky breath and realize it isn't coffee I need right now. It's water. Ice water. I walk toward him and open a cabinet and proceed to pour myself a glass of water. He props his hands on the counter behind him and crosses one foot over the other, grinning at me the entire time I down half the glass.

  The sound the glass makes when I set it on the counter is a little loud and dramatic, and it makes him laugh. I wipe my mouth and curse myself for being so obvious.

  His laugh is cut short when his cell phone rings. He quickly stands and pulls it out of his pocket. He glances at the screen, silences his phone, and slides it back into his pocket. His eyes move around the living room once more before they land on me again. "I should probably go."

  Wow. This went well.

  I nod and take his cup when he slides it toward me. I turn around and begin washing it. "Well, thanks for the job," I say. "And for walking me home."

  I don't turn around to watch him leave. I feel like my obvious inexperience just killed the entire vibe we had going. And I'm not upset with myself for that; I'm upset with him. I'm upset that he would be turned off by the fact that I'm not being forward or throwing myself at him. I'm upset that he gets one phone call, more than likely from Hannah, and he immediately uses it as his opportunity to hightail it out of here.

  This is exactly why I never do things like this.

  "It wasn't a girl."

  His voice startles me and I immediately spin around to find him standing right behind me. I start to respond, but I don't know what to say, so I just clamp my mouth shut. I feel stupid for getting so angry just now, even though he has no idea what was going through my head.

  He takes a step closer and I press myself against the counter behind me, leaving the two feet of space between us that I need in order to remain coherent.

  "I don't want you to think I'm leaving because another girl just called me," he says, explaining his remark in more detail.

  I love that he just said this, and it makes all the negative thoughts I was having about him disappear. Maybe I was wrong. I do tend to have irrational reactions from time to time.

  I turn around and face the sink again because I don't want him to see how much it pleases me that he wasn't making up an excuse to leave. "It's not my business who calls you, Owen."

  I'm still facing the sink when his hands grip the counter on either side of me. His face moves close to the side of my head and I can feel his breath on my neck. I don't know how it happens, but my entire body moves involuntarily until his chest is flush against my back. We aren't nearly as close as we were during our dance, but it feels a whole hell of a lot more intimate considering we aren't actually dancing.

  He rests his chin on my shoulder and I close my eyes and inhale. The way he makes me feel is so overwhelming; I find it difficult to continue standing. I'm gripping the counter, hoping he doesn't notice how white my knuckles are.

  "I want to see you again," he whispers.

  I don't think about all the reasons why that's
such a bad idea. I don't think about what my focus should be on. Instead, I think about how good it feels when he's this close to me and how I want so much more of it. All the bad parts of me answer him and force my voice to say, "Okay," because all the good parts of me are too weak to offer up a defense.

  "Tomorrow night," he says. "Will you be home?"

  I think about tomorrow, and for a few seconds I have no idea what month it is, much less what day of the week it is. After grasping where and who I am, and remembering that this is still Thursday and tomorrow is Friday, I conclude that I am, in fact, free tomorrow night.

  "Yes," I whisper.

  "Good," he says. I'm almost positive he's smiling right now. I can hear it in his voice.

  "But . . ." I turn and face him. "I thought you learned your lesson about mixing business with pleasure. Isn't that how you found yourself in a bind today?"

  He grins with a very subtle laugh. "Consider yourself fired."

  I smile, because I'm not sure I've ever been so happy to lose a job. I would choose his coming over tomorrow night over working for $100 an hour any day. And that surprises me. A lot.

  He turns and heads toward the front door. "I'll see you tomorrow night, Auburn Mason Reed."

  We're both smiling when we lock eyes for the two seconds it takes for him to close the door behind him. I fall forward and lay my head on my arms, sucking in all the air I've been missing tonight, straight into my lungs.

  "Oh, em, gee," I exhale. This was definitely an unexpected departure from my usual routine.

  A sudden knock on my door startles me, and I stand upright just as the door begins to crack open. He reappears in the doorway. "Will you lock your door behind me? You don't live in the best neighborhood."

  I can't help but grin at his request. I walk to the door and he pushes it open a little further. "And one more thing," he adds. "You shouldn't be so quick to follow strangers into random buildings. That's not very smart for someone who doesn't know anything about Dallas."

  I narrow my eyes at him. "Well, you shouldn't be so desperate for employees," I say in my own defense. I lift my hand to the lock on the door, but instead of pulling it shut, he opens it even further.

  "And I don't know how it is in Portland, but you also shouldn't allow strangers inside your apartment."