Confess

by Colleen Hoover

  If fate plays jokes, this is the absolute worst one.

  Owen is staring back at me with as much disbelief registered on his face as I'm sure is on mine. In an instant, everything I've been trying to feel for Trey is reduced tenfold, and it's all directed toward Owen. I grip the cart with my hands and debate whether or not to turn in the opposite direction without speaking to him. He would understand, I'm sure.

  He must be having the same internal struggle, because we both stopped walking as soon as we laid eyes on one another. Neither of us is speaking. Neither of us is retreating.

  We're both just staring.

  My entire body feels his stare, and I physically ache in every part of me. The main reason I've doubted what's happening between Trey and myself is standing right in front of me, reminding me of what true feelings for someone should be like.

  Owen smiles, and I suddenly wish we were in the cleaning aisle, because someone is going to have to mop me up off this floor.

  He glances to his left and then his right before his gaze lands back on me. "Aisle thirteen," he says with a grin. "Must be fate."

  I smile, but my smile is robbed by the sound of AJ's voice. "Mommy, look!" he says as he tosses two toys into the cart. "Trey said I could have both."

  Trey.

  Trey, Trey, Trey, who is probably behind me right now, based on Owen's reaction. He stiffens and stands straight, gripping his cart with both hands. His eyes are on someone behind me.

  An arm slips around my waist, gripping me possessively. Trey stands beside me and I can feel him eyeing Owen. He moves his hand to my lower back and then his lips meet my cheek. I close my eyes because I don't want to see the look on Owen's face. "Come on, babe," Trey says, urging me to turn around. He's never called me babe before. I know he's only using the term in front of Owen to make our relationship seem more than what it is.

  After another tug on my arm, I finally turn and walk with Trey.

  We finish getting the few items that are left on my list. Trey doesn't speak to me the entire time we're shopping. He's keeping conversation going with AJ, but I can tell he's angry. My stomach is a ball of nerves because he's never given me the silent treatment like this before and I don't know what to expect.

  The silent treatment continues through the checkout line, all the way to his car. He loads the groceries into the trunk while I buckle AJ into the backseat. When I have him strapped into his booster seat, I close the door and turn to find Trey leaning against the car, staring at me. He's so still, he doesn't even look like he's breathing.

  "Did you speak to him?"

  I shake my head. "No. I had just turned the corner right before you and AJ walked up."

  Trey's arms are folded across his chest and his jaw is tense. He looks over my shoulder for several seconds before bringing his eyes back to mine.

  "Did you fuck him?"

  I stand up straighter, shocked at his question. Especially because we're standing right outside AJ's door. I glance inside the car at AJ but his focus is on his toys and not at all on the two of us. When I look back at Trey, I think I'm angrier than he is.

  "You can't be mad at me for running into someone at a store, Trey. I don't control who shops here."

  I try to move past him, but he grabs my arm and pushes me against the car with the weight of his chest against mine. He brings his hand up to the side of my head and lowers his mouth to my ear. My heart is beating erratically, because I have no idea what he's about to do.

  "Auburn," he says, his voice a deep, threatening whisper. "He's been inside your apartment. He's been in your bedroom. He was in that stupid fucking tent with you. Now I need you to tell me if he's ever been inside you."

  I'm shaking my head, doing whatever I can to calm him down, because AJ is just a foot away from us inside this car. He's gripping my wrist with his right hand, waiting for me to give him a verbal response. I'll say whatever I need to say to make sure he doesn't lose his temper right now.

  "No," I whisper. "It wasn't like that. I barely knew him."

  Trey pulls back a few inches and looks me in the eye. "Good," he says. "Because the way he was watching you made me think otherwise." He presses his lips against my forehead and relieves some of the pressure around my wrist. He smiles gently at me, but the smile has the opposite effect. It terrifies me that his temperament can switch as fast as it just did. He pulls me in for a hug and presses his face into my hair. He inhales and then exhales slowly.

  "I'm sorry," he whispers. "Let's get out of here."

  He opens the passenger door for me and shuts it after I climb inside. I exhale, relieved the moment is over but knowing full well that his reaction is a huge red flag.

  As if my attention is being summoned, my eyes fall to a car across the parking lot. Owen is standing next to it, staring in my direction. The look on his face makes it apparent that he witnessed everything that just happened. However, from across the parking lot it could have very well looked like a tender moment rather than what it actually was. Which could also explain the pained look on Owen's face.

  He opens his car door just as Trey opens his. I keep my eyes focused on Owen long enough to see him lift a hand to his heart and clench it in a fist. The words he spoke to me about how much he missed his mother and brother replay in my head. "Sometimes I miss them so much, it hurts me right here. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart with the strength of the entire goddamn world."

  Trey pulls out of the parking lot and right before Owen is out of my view, I inconspicuously lift my fist to my own chest. Our eyes remain locked until they can't anymore.

  The incident at the grocery store yesterday wasn't mentioned again. Trey and AJ spent the entire evening at my house, and Trey acted as if nothing was amiss while he cooked AJ chocolate chip pancakes. In fact, if anything, Trey was in an extra-good mood. I don't know if it was a front to make up for the anger he expressed in the parking lot or if he really does enjoy spending the time he does with the two of us.

  His sudden good mood could have also been because he knew he wouldn't see me for four days and he didn't want to leave on bad terms. He left for a conference in San Antonio this morning, and I could tell when he told me good-bye last night that he was uneasy about leaving me. He repeatedly asked me about my schedule and what plans I have for the weekend. Lydia is taking AJ to Pasadena for their weekend visit with her family. If I didn't have to work today, I would have gone with them.

  But I didn't go, and now here I am with an entire weekend ahead of me and absolutely nothing to do; I think that makes Trey nervous. He obviously has trust issues when it comes to Owen.

  Rightfully so. After all, here I am, two hours after Trey has left the city of Dallas, and I'm standing in front of Owen's studio. Every day that I walk by his studio, I inconspicuously slip a piece of paper in the slot. I've left over twenty confessions in the last few weeks. I know he's flooded with confessions, so there's no way he would know which ones were mine. But it makes me feel better to leave them. Most of the confessions are trivial things that have nothing to do with him. They usually have to do with AJ, and I never write them in such a way that Owen would be able to tell it was me. I'm sure he would never even guess that I leave them. But it feels like a form of therapy, anyway.

  I look down at the confession I just wrote.

  I think about you every time he kisses me.

  I fold it in two and slip it through the slot, not thinking twice about it. Since that moment between us in the grocery store yesterday, I can still feel him. I want to hear his voice again. I want to see his smile again. I keep telling myself that leaving this confession is just to get closure so I can move ahead with Trey, but I know it's for purely selfish reasons.

  I grab another piece of paper from my purse and quickly scribble words across it.

  He's out of town this weekend.

  I slide the paper through the slot without even folding it. As soon as it's out of my reach, my chest tightens, and I immediately regret what I just w
rote. That wasn't a confession; it was an invitation. One that I need to rescind. Right now. I'm not that girl.

  Why did I just do that?

  I attempt to slip my fingers through the slot, knowing the paper has fallen to the floor by now. I grab another piece from my purse and write something to follow up the last confession.

  Ignore that confession. That wasn't an invitation. I don't know why I wrote it.

  I slide that piece of paper through the slot and immediately regret that one even more. Now I just look like an idiot. Again, I tear off another piece of paper and write on it, knowing I should somehow get this paper and pen out of my own reach.

  You really should have a way for people to retract their confessions, Owen. Like maybe a twenty-second return policy.

  I slide that one through the door as well, and shove the paper and pen into my purse.

  What have I just done?

  I slide the strap of my purse up my shoulder and continue toward the salon. I swear this has to be the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. Maybe he won't read them until Monday, and the weekend will be over.

  It's been eight hours since my slipup this morning as I was walking past Owen's studio. I've had a lot of time to consider why I would even think it was okay to leave something like that for him to read. I know it was a weak moment, but it isn't fair of me to do that to him. If he really did develop feelings for me in the short time I knew him, the fact that I refuse to be with him is out of his control. And then I go and leave stupid notes like I've been leaving for the past few weeks, even though today was the first day I actually left confessions that pertained to the two of us.

  I've made my decision though, and even if I don't feel for Trey the way he feels for me, I would never betray him. Once I make a commitment to someone, I'm the type of person who will honor that commitment.

  We've had the discussion about not seeing other people, even though to me it still doesn't necessarily feel like we're even seeing each other. This means I need to somehow find a way to get over the thought of Owen. I need to stop worrying about him. I need to stop walking by his studio when I know there are different routes I could take. I need to put my focus and energy into my relationship with Trey, because if I want Trey to be a figure in AJ's life, I need to be committed to making that relationship work.

  And Trey has been good to me. I know his bout of jealousy in the parking lot yesterday scared me, but I can't blame him. Seeing Owen and me together more than likely filled him with insecurity, so of course he's angry. And he's good to AJ. He could provide for us in a way that I can't do on my own. There isn't a reason in the world why I shouldn't want to make this work with Trey other than my own selfishness.

  "I'm leaving," Donna says, peeking around the corner. "Do you mind locking up?"

  Donna is the newest employee, and she's been here for about two weeks now. She's already got more clients than I do and does a way better job. Not that I'm bad at what I do, I'm just not that great. It's hard to be great at something you hate.

  "No problem."

  She tells me good-bye, and I finish washing the dye bowls in the sink. Several minutes after she leaves, the bell chimes, signaling someone has entered the salon. I step around the partition in order to let whoever it is know that we're finished for the day, but my words are caught in my throat when I see him.

  He's standing by the front door, looking around the salon. When his gaze falls on me, the song playing through the overhead speaker comes to a timely end and a heavy silence fills the room.

  If I could feel for Trey even a fraction of what Owen makes me feel just standing across the room from me, I could probably make that relationship work without issue.

  But I don't feel this with anyone else. Just Owen.

  He begins to walk toward me with quiet confidence. I'm not moving at all. I'm not even sure my heart is moving. I know my lungs aren't moving, because I haven't taken a breath since I stepped around this corner and saw him standing there.

  He pauses when he's about five feet away from me. His stare hasn't deviated once, and I can no longer control the obvious rise and fall of my chest. His presence alone is causing me actual, physical turmoil.

  "Hi," he says. His expression is cautious. He's not giving away a single ounce of emotion. I don't know if he's angry about my confessions, but he's here, so he obviously knew they were from me. When I fail to return his greeting, he glances over his shoulder briefly. He runs a hand through his hair and then turns back to face me.

  "You have time for a haircut?" he asks.

  My eyes move to his hair, and it's significantly longer than after the last cut I gave him.

  "You trust me to cut your hair again?" I'm shocked at the playfulness in my voice. No matter the circumstances, things just seem so easy with him.

  "That depends. Are you sober?"

  I smile, relieved that he's able to return the banter in the midst of our cold war. I nod and point to the back of the salon, where the sinks are. He walks toward me, and I walk around him, making my way to the front door to lock it. The last thing I need is someone walking in who shouldn't see him here.

  When I return to the back, he's already seated in the same chair I washed his hair in last time. And just like last time, his eyes never deviate from my face. I test the water before running it over his hair. After wetting it, I dispense shampoo onto my palm and work my hands through his hair until it lathers. For a few seconds, his eyes fall shut, and I take this opportunity to stare at him.

  He reopens them as soon as I begin rinsing his hair, so I quickly glance away.

  I wish he would say something. If he's here, there's a reason he's here. And it's not to stare at me.

  When I'm finished washing his hair, we silently walk toward the front. He takes a seat in my salon chair, and I dry his hair with a towel. I'm not sure if I breathe the entire time I'm cutting his hair, but I do what I can to focus on the hair and not him. The salon has never been this quiet.

  It's also never been this loud.

  I can't stop the thoughts from racing through my head. Thoughts of what it was like being kissed by him. Thoughts of how he made me feel when his arms were around me. Thoughts of how our conversations felt so natural and real that I never wanted them to end.

  When I'm finished with the last cut of the scissors, I comb his hair out and then clean him up. I remove the protective smock and shake it out. I fold it and place it into the drawer.

  He stands up and pulls out his wallet. He lays a fifty-dollar bill on the counter and slides his wallet back into his pocket.

  "Thank you," he says with a smile. He turns to leave, and I immediately shake my head, not wanting him to go. We haven't even discussed the confessions. He didn't even tell me what made him stop by.

  "Wait," I call out to him. Just as he reaches the door, he turns around, slowly. I try to figure out what to say to him, but nothing I really want to say will come out. Instead, I look down at the fifty-dollar bill and grab it, holding it up. "This is way too much money, Owen."

  He stares quietly for what seems like an eternity before he opens the door and walks out without a word.

  I fall into my salon chair, completely confused by my reaction. What did I want him to do? Did I want him to make a move? Did I want him to invite me back to his place?

  I wouldn't have been okay with either of those things, and the fact that I'm upset that neither of them happened makes me feel like a horrible person.

  I look down at the fifty-dollar bill in my hand. I notice for the first time that there's writing on the back of it. I flip it over and read the message sprawled across the back in black Sharpie.

  I need at least one night with you. Please.

  I clench my fist and hold it up to my chest. The erratic beat of my heart and the rapid expansion of my lungs to make room for more air are the only two things I can focus on right now.

  I toss the money on the counter and I bury my head in my arms.

  Oh my God.
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  Oh my God.

  I've never wanted to do the wrong thing so much in my entire life.

  When I pause in front of his studio, I'm contemplating making a decision that I won't be proud of tomorrow. If I walk inside, I know what will happen between us. And while I know with Trey being out of town, the likelihood of his ever finding out about this is slim, it still doesn't make it okay.

  The thought of his finding out about it also doesn't make me want to do it any less.

  Before I can even make the choice for myself, the door opens and Owen's hand reaches out for mine. He pulls me inside the dark studio and closes the door behind me, clicking the lock into place. I wait for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and my conscience to adjust to the fact that I'm here. Inside his studio.

  "You shouldn't stand outside like that," he says. "Someone might see you."

  I'm not sure whom he's referring to, but there isn't a chance of Trey seeing me tonight, considering he's in San Antonio. "He's out of town."

  Owen is standing less than two feet away, watching me with his head tilted to the side. I can see a faint smile cross his lips. "So I was told."

  I look down at my feet, embarrassed. I close my eyes and try to talk myself out of this. I'm putting everything at risk by being here. I know if I could shut down the thoughts that have been going through my head, I would be able to see that this isn't smart. Whether we get caught or not, being with him won't make anything better. It'll just make it worse, because I'll more than likely want him even more after tonight.

  "I shouldn't be here," I say quietly.

  He's eyeing me with his same unwavering expression. "But you are."

  "Only because you pulled me inside without asking."

  He laughs quietly. "You were standing outside my door trying to decide what to do. I just helped make the decision for you."

  "I haven't made any decision yet."

  He nods. "Yes you have, Auburn. You've made a lot of decisions. You chose to be with Trey for the long haul. And now you're choosing to be with me for the night."