The Girl in the Mirror

by Cathy Glass

  Having changed into dry jeans and socks, she tucked her phone into her pocket and went downstairs. She needed a drink of water before she went into the study. Evelyn was in the kitchen making sandwiches for supper. She didn’t look up as Mandy entered.

  ‘Adam is coming with Mum and Dad tomorrow,’ Mandy said. ‘I hope that’s OK?’

  Evelyn nodded and continued slicing tomatoes.

  ‘Don’t worry about lunch for him, though; he never eats until the evening.’

  ‘Of course he must eat,’ Evelyn said bluntly. ‘There’ll be plenty.’

  Mandy felt the atmosphere charged and heavy. ‘Can I get myself a drink of water?’

  ‘Of course.’

  She took a glass from the cupboard and went to the tap. Evelyn concentrated on the sandwiches.

  ‘Do you want some help?’ Mandy asked, trying to break the tension.

  ‘No, I’ve nearly finished. We’ll have these for supper. I’ve given Mrs Saunders the day off as she’s coming in tomorrow.’

  Mandy nodded and started towards the door.

  ‘Mandy?’

  She stopped, turned and met her aunt’s gaze.

  ‘What I said earlier. You do understand why your father has to be the one to tell you? It was his decision to handle it in the way he did. I can’t risk upsetting him again, and having another ten years without speaking.’

  Mandy gave a small shrug. ‘I guess. As much as I understand anything at present.’

  ‘So you’ll talk to him?’

  ‘Yes, but not tomorrow. Later, when this is all over.’

  Evelyn gave a faint smile and appeared relieved. ‘Thanks, Mandy. And thanks for coming back to help. We’re very grateful. John says he doesn’t know what he’d have done without you, and he feels it has helped smooth things between you.’

  ‘What was there to smooth between John and me?’ Mandy asked, surprised.

  Evelyn looked away. ‘Oh, you know…it wasn’t easy for any of us. But your father must be the one to tell you.’

  There was clearly no point in pressing Evelyn and making her feel uncomfortable. Mandy continued into the study where Gran was sitting beside the bed, holding Grandpa’s hand, exactly as she’d left them the previous afternoon. She glanced up and smiled. ‘I knew you wouldn’t desert us, Mandy.’

  ‘No. I wouldn’t do that.’

  Twenty

  Mandy thought she was dreaming – a proper dream, a pleasant dream, not the disturbing flashbacks that had plagued her since arriving at her aunt’s. It was very realistic. She could hear Adam’s voice close by, smell his favourite shower gel, and feel the warmth of his breath on her cheek as he kissed her. It was a lovely vision of how things had been between them once, and how she hoped they could be again. Then she opened her eyes and saw she wasn’t dreaming. Adam was perched on the edge of her bed. ‘What are you doing here?’ she said, sitting up.

  He laughed. ‘It’s Sunday. I said I’d come with your parents. Remember? We’ve just arrived; they’re downstairs. Your uncle showed me up, then left me to wake the sleeping princess. How are you?’

  She rubbed her hand across her forehead, disorientated from sleep. ‘I came up for a lie-down and must have dropped off. What time is it?’

  ‘One thirty.’

  ‘I’ve been asleep for two hours!’ She struggled further up and looked at him. ‘Thanks for coming, Adam.’

  He smiled and kissed her cheek, then put his arms around her and began slowly rubbing her back. It felt good. Her head relaxed against his chest as his chest and his arms encircled her: safe, strong and protective. This was what his touch should feel like, not the threat it sometimes seemed and from which she recoiled. She felt his lips on her neck, heard his small sigh of pleasure. ‘Do you think we’d be missed downstairs?’ he breathed into her hair.

  She laughed. ‘Unfortunately, yes.’

  ‘Pity. Your aunt said lunch was nearly ready.’ With a final kiss he moved slightly away. ‘I was going to take you out for a pub lunch, but Evelyn said she’d laid a place for me.’

  ‘That sounds like Evelyn.’ Mandy smiled, kissed the end of his nose and gave him another hug. Swinging her legs over the bed, she sat on the edge and looked at him seriously. ‘I’m sorry I’ve been such a pig. I don’t know what gets into me sometimes. I love you, yet sometimes I behave as if I hate you. Staying in this house hasn’t helped. I mean I want to be with Grandpa but there’s a lot of stuff going on here.’

  ‘What sort of stuff?’ Adam asked, puzzled.

  She shrugged. ‘All I know is that Dad and Evelyn had a huge argument when I was a child and somehow I was involved. I was taken from this house in the middle of the night. Then they didn’t speak for ten years.’ She stopped and hesitated. ‘Dad hasn’t said anything to you, has he?’ As they’d spoken on the phone recently she wondered if he had.

  ‘No. Yesterday he said you’d run out. When he phoned today he seemed to think it was because you were upset about Grandpa – that you needed a break. I know how you feel, Mandy. I was close to my granddad too.’

  She nodded and looked at him, saw his empathy and concern, and was truly grateful. ‘Grandpa’s so poorly. Have you seen him yet?’

  ‘No, I came straight up here to see you.’

  ‘We had the nurse out twice last night, which was why I was so tired.’ What else could she tell him? Now he was here normality had returned with him – sensible, level-headed Adam. She was here to help nurse Grandpa, and the strange visions from her past seemed distant and ludicrous again. ‘I guess we should go down if lunch is ready,’ she said, standing.

  ‘Yes, I don’t want to get in your aunt’s bad books when we’ve only just met.’

  She crossed to the dressing table and, picking up her hairbrush, ran it through her hair, then smoothed her jumper. ‘Ready,’ she said, crossing to the door.

  Adam came up behind her and, nibbling her neck, gave her bottom a playful tap. ‘Perhaps we could go for a walk later? Somewhere secluded,’ he said.

  ‘Yes, I’d like that.’

  Downstairs there was a distinct smell of fish and Adam pulled a face. He was about to comment, but Mandy pointed to the kitchen door, which was slightly open, and Evelyn and Mrs Saunders could be heard putting the finishing touches to lunch. They continued through to the study, where Mandy kissed her parents and Adam kissed Gran. ‘How are you, love?’ her mother asked, concerned. ‘I understand you had a rough night?’

  Mandy glanced at Grandpa, whose legs were tapping restlessly beneath the sheets. ‘We had to call the nurse out. He gave Grandpa an extra shot of morphine.’

  Her father nodded. ‘Evelyn explained.’

  Her father looked tired and strained, Mandy thought. She knew how difficult it was for him to see his father like this. He was keeping a tight grip on his emotions but Mandy could see his vulnerability, which was so often masked by his reserve. Their roles seemed to have reversed since Grandpa became ill, and she was the one more in control, and she wanted desperately to protect him. ‘Grandpa is always kept comfortable,’ she said. ‘He’s never in pain. We make sure of it.’There was nothing to be gained by telling him other than what he desperately needed to hear.

  The smell of fish crept into the study and Gran sniffed pointedly.

  ‘It’s rainbow trout,’ Mandy said to her parents. ‘I told Evelyn you liked it. I hope you do.’

  ‘I hope so too,’ Gran said dryly.

  ‘She shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble,’ her mother said.

  ‘My sentiment exactly,’ Adam added.

  ‘Now, now,’ Mandy cautioned lightly, feeling the need to defend Evelyn in her absence. ‘You can leave it, if you don’t like it. Evelyn won’t be offended.’ It was too easy, Mandy thought, to come into the house and make fun of Evelyn and her meals if you didn’t know it was their planning and preparation that probably kept her sane, and the routine of mealtimes that held their day together when everything else was falling apart.

  Half an hou
r later they were all seated at the dining-room table tucking into the fish, apart from Adam, who apologized to Evelyn and said he rarely ate at midday, which was more or less true. Mandy found it strange having Adam suddenly seated at her aunt’s table as one of the family – strange, but comfortable, natural. John talked easily to Adam, asking him about his work and the car he was rebuilding in the garage at his parents’. Mandy also noticed the conversation between John and Evelyn and her parents was more relaxed than it had been the last time her parents had visited. Gran noticed it too.

  ‘Aren’t they doing well?’ she said quietly to Mandy across the table. ‘Just shows they can behave when they want to.’

  Mandy smiled in collusion. Gran sometimes referred to, and treated, her son and daughter like children, more so than she ever did her. But given they’d quarrelled and not spoken for ten years, it was hardly surprising: they’d behaved like children. Mandy wondered at the pain the family rift must have caused Gran, although she’d never mentioned it during the previous ten years. How ironic that it had taken something as sad as Grandpa’s illness to heal the rift and have the whole family once more seated around the table and making conversation.

  As the meal ended the nurse arrived and Evelyn suggested they take their coffee through to the lounge until the nurse had finished. Adam caught Mandy’s eye. ‘Shall we go for a walk?’ he suggested.

  ‘Sure,’ Mandy said, and made a move towards the door.

  ‘Don’t go far,’ Evelyn warned. ‘Rain is forecast. You don’t want another soaking, like yesterday. Why don’t you go for a stroll in the grounds?’

  ‘Suits me,’ Adam said. ‘There’s a lot to see.’

  Mandy agreed. She hadn’t been in the grounds since arriving and she didn’t really mind where they went. Adam waited in the hall while she changed into her outdoor shoes and then she led the way out through the side door. The air, like yesterday, was very fresh, and she shivered. ‘Shall I get your coat?’ Adam asked.

  ‘No, you can keep me warm,’ she giggled and, lifting his arm, draped it around her shoulders, then snuggled into his side.

  They followed the path that led from the side door. It took them round the edge of the grounds to the rear of the pagoda where they couldn’t be seen from the house. Adam paused and drawing her to him, kissed her passionately on the lips. She felt the tingle of desire and returned his kiss before they walked on.

  ‘I’m so glad you came,’ she said, wrapping her arms around his waist. ‘I’ve missed you.’

  ‘I’ve missed you too,’ he said, and paused again for another lingering kiss.

  The path they followed passed the sheds and greenhouses, away from the house and towards the lower gardens. They came to some steps and paused, looking out to the boundary fence in the distance. ‘Is all this your uncle’s?’ Adam asked, impressed.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, following his gaze. ‘But they have a full-time gardener. He has the weekend off.’

  ‘Your uncle must have done very well. He told me he built up his business from scratch?’

  ‘So I believe.’ Mandy paused. ‘But money isn’t everything. I mean happiness is more important and money doesn’t guarantee happiness, does it?’

  ‘Agreed,’ Adam said mischievously, ‘but you can have both. I mean I’d be very happy with you if I won the lottery.’

  She laughed and, tapping his arm, kissed his cheek. She felt light-hearted now and alive. This was how she wanted to be with Adam: receptive, tactile, and fun to be with, not moody and irritable. They continued down the steps and then followed the path as it curved to the right. As the lower lawns appeared Mandy let out a small squeal of delight. ‘The swings! And slide! I don’t believe it. They’re still here. Sarah and I used to play here for hours. There was a wooden see-saw as well, but I guess that’s rotted away.’

  Grabbing his hand in excitement, Mandy ran with him to the slide, like a child in a park. The slide was very tall and old, and made of wrought iron. Metal steps led up to a wooden platform with short handrails where you waited for your turn. Mandy dropped her head back and looked up at the platform; saw it framed against the clouds beyond, exactly as she had done as a child.

  ‘I haven’t seen one like this for ages,’ Adam said. ‘Health and Safety would have a fit.’

  ‘Do you think it’s still safe to use?’ Mandy asked.

  ‘Stay there and I’ll find out.’

  Before she could stop him he was running up the steps two at a time, his shoes clattering on the metal. Arriving at the top, he tested the wooden platform with one foot and then stood on it and looked out. ‘It’s fine,’ he called. ‘You can see for miles up here!’

  ‘Be careful!’ she warned. She hated heights and could remember feeling dizzy up there, although she’d never had the nerve to stand and look out as Adam was doing now. She’d always made the transition from the top step to sitting on the slide by kneeling on the platform, and without looking down.

  She watched as Adam turned to survey the view behind him; his body towered precariously above the short safety rail. She felt dizzy just watching him and looked away. Eventually he sat on the platform ready to slide down and she went to the end of the slide to watch his descent. Years of disuse had dulled the once shining metal and Adam came down slowly, squeaking and jerking, unlike when Sarah and she had whizzed down, she thought, so fast it had made their eyes water. He ground to a halt a yard from the end and jumped off. ‘It needs polishing,’ he said. ‘Have you got a tissue?’

  ‘No, I left my bag in the house.’

  ‘Never mind, it will polish up. Race you!’ he shouted.

  Running round the slide he beat her to the steps. He was on the fourth rung as Mandy arrived, laughing. He raced up the steps two at a time as she followed more slowly. The metal handrails felt cold and rough and Mandy remembered her aunt saying one winter they shouldn’t really wear gloves as it could make their hands lose their grip.

  At the top Adam stood on the platform and beat his chest, then let out a Tarzan-like cry before disappearing down the slide. Mandy laughed. Arriving at the top step she experienced the lightheadedness she had done as a child while her heart raced with fear and excitement. Don’t look down, she heard John say as he used to. Hold on and look straight ahead.

  Keeping low, and gripping the handrail, she knelt on the wooden platform. Then, gingerly manoeuvring her legs into a sitting position, she pushed off.

  Keep your hands in your lap, she heard John call, or you’ll get friction burn. She shook her head and tried to clear her thoughts. She didn’t want John here now – she was with Adam and trying to enjoy the day.

  She waved at Adam waiting at the bottom and slowly descended. There was no chance of friction burn now – the unpolished surface acted as a brake and her descent was very slow. When she came to a halt she jumped off. ‘I’m having another go!’ she shouted.

  ‘Me first!’ he yelled and tore round to the foot of the steps, arriving just ahead of her. Laughing, she followed him up, faster this time, her confidence growing. With another Tarzan-like cry Adam beat his chest, then disappeared over the top and down the slide. She went after him. Jumping off the end, she chased him round and up the steps again, their feet clattering in pairs. Over and over again. Each time they came down the slide it was a little faster as their jeans polished the metal surface. She was out of breath, but enjoying herself so much; the house and Grandpa were out of sight and temporarily out of mind. They were like children, completely absorbed and playing unselfconsciously, just as…just as she had on the last weekend she’d stayed here.

  Abruptly, without warning, she was jolted back into the past.

  Mandy’s turn, she heard John call. It was a hot sunny afternoon, a Saturday, and she’d just climbed to the top of the slide. Evelyn and John had visitors. They’d all come down to the play area after lunch. The visitors had two small children who were too young to go on the slide or swings. She could see them playing with a large brightly coloured beach ball,
which was nearly as big as they were. Sarah and she were taking turns racing down the slide. She was sitting at the top on the platform waiting for Sarah to finish and climb off the end. She could feel her hands clenched tightly around the rails either side; could see her legs straight in front, ready for the off. Her stomach was tight and her heart was racing from the rush of anticipation and fear she always felt as she waited for her go, so high up. It was a lovely day, the air was still and the sun beat on her face and head. She watched Sarah come to a halt and then jump off the end. Smoothing her dress down and taking a gulp of air she pushed off, remembering to put her hands in her lap as John instructed.

  Down, down, she went, fast, faster, gathering speed, her dress billowing up in the rush of air and causing the bare skin on her thighs to squeak uncomfortably on the hot metal. A man appeared at the foot of the slide – not John, he was standing over to the left, but the male visitor whom she called Uncle. He was squatting on his haunches with his arms outstretched, waiting to catch her as he had done once before that afternoon. He was grinning over his thick moustache. She could see the whites of his teeth. She didn’t want to be caught by him. She was thirteen and too old to be caught and tickled, but there was nothing she could do. She sailed down the last part of the slide, straight into his waiting arms. He lifted her high into the air, way above his shoulders, so she thought he and John could probably see up her dress. He set her down and she felt his moustache scratch her cheek as he gave her a little kiss. At the same time his fingers tickled under her arms. She turned to run after Sarah and felt his hand playfully slap her bottom.

  ‘Don’t do that!’ she snapped, rounding on him. ‘I don’t like it!’

  ‘Sorry,’ Adam said, surprised, raising his hands in surrender. ‘You should have said.’