by Tina Maurine
I listened, reaching out to comfort him, rapt as he continued. “About a week after my twelfth birthday, Mom left me to watch after Lisa.” He drew in a ragged breath and slowly exhaled. “She’d begged me to take her to play Hide and Seek in the rural woods that bordered our house. She just wouldn’t leave me alone,” he ran his fingers through his hair and took in another labored breath, obviously back at his childhood home in his mind. “I was so damn frustrated Tessa. I mean, I had just gotten my Nintendo for my birthday and she just wouldn’t quit begging… so I sent her outside to hide and told her I’d be right out to count. I finished my Nintendo game; I hadn’t kept track of the time, so it had been awhile, and headed to the big tree we always counted from. I looked around and didn’t see her but closed my eyes and counted to fifty like I had done a hundred times before.”
Noah’s voice cracked from choking back the sobs. “When I opened them, I couldn’t find her… I looked EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t find her anywhere. I kept listening for her giggles, waiting for her to jump out at me. I called to her for hours, crying as I panicked. She was nowhere, Tessa. I’d lost her.”
I couldn’t take it anymore, and reached out, pulling him firmly to me and held him tightly while his whole body shook with silent grief. After a gut-wrenching couple of minutes, Noah wiped the tears from his cheeks.
“So after hours of looking for her and calling, I decided I’d better go home once it started to get dark. You should’ve seen their faces Tess, they were so scared, but that first look was nothing compared to the looks they became when they realized Lisa wasn’t with me.” He shuddered involuntarily, “When I recounted for them what happened, my mom collapsed, and my dad immediately called the police.”
He sighed, “The next few years were long. Mom went off the deep end, obsessed that Lisa was still alive; she kept the missing-persons campaign open until the city mayor—a good family friend—suggested that they hold a burial for her. I’d just turned sixteen, nearly four years to the day. My mom had all but neglected both me and Dad for years.”
Noah shifted, pulling me, fitting me like a puzzle to him. “Unfortunately, my dad took off after the first two leaving me alone, unloved, feeling to blame, and feeling worthy of all the verbal and psychological poison Mom slung at me for the next two. It was hell. Pure, unequivocal hell,” his voice cracked, choked with emotion. The minutes of silence that followed stretched on while Noah was lost in his memories.
“Well, so,… basically right after that I started living out in the backyard shed. It was also around that same time I started bringing girls home from school, soccer moms, other women I’d meet on the street, even my friends’ moms,” his voice waivered and I felt him shrug. “I don’t know, maybe I was trying to prove my mom wrong—that I was a decent person. Hell, all I know is that was a rough time. Mom blamed me, and all of her abuse left me naked, raw and emotionally hungry—so starved that I guess was just trying to find love wherever I could.”
My sweet, tortured Noah. How many people has he shared this story with? Did he share with Pallavi?
‘Lisa.’ For the first time since seeing it tattooed across his heart, I embraced it as a part of who he was. Now, knowing who it stood for and why he’d gotten it, I loved that he’d placed it on his heart, even if it was a painful daily reminder of his great loss. The night hadn’t ended all sunshine and roses, but I felt closer to Noah, inexplicably and undeniably so. How could I ever be okay with just being his friend?
“Mmm.” It was all I could think as a strong, calloused, and tender hand alternately massaged my rib cage and the swell of my heavy breast and caressed of my upper thigh and my most intimate parts. His firm, muscular body lay beside me, his impressive length snuggled against my hip. The warmth and heat I felt at his experienced hands, and the well-orchestrated rhythm and pressure of his touch felt luxurious.
“Tessa? Are you awake?”
As the awareness of how cold my nose and ears were washed over me, I realized rather quickly that I must have fallen asleep, and Noah was waking me up.
“Tess, are you awake?”
My eyes fluttered open ever so slightly, as I turned my head in the direction from which the husky voice originated. His lavish exploration stopped when I opened my eyes. His hand rested squarely on my hip and bare stomach. Even there, it turned me on, promising great things in the not so far future… at least I hoped.
An alien neon-green light bathed everything. When I looked up, what I saw stole my breath away. A collage of greens—mint, neon, sea-foam and chartreuse blanketed the sky. Pops of pink, purple, yellow, blue and violet ebbed and flowed, dancing across the sky before disappearing. Swirls of the rarer orange and white lights appeared out of nowhere, only to disappear as quickly as they had come. The sky-canvas looked close enough that if I were to touch it, the colors would transfer to my fingertips. I reached up and it looked like I was finger painting. This night, and our gift of being able to witness this phenomenon, were magical.
I tore my eyes away from the mystic display and sought Noah’s. I found him studying me with an intensity that curled my toes.
“You’re exquisite, Tessa.” He propped up on his elbow and brushed the renegade tendrils off my face, before leaning down and giving me the softest and most tender kiss to date.
“You fell asleep. You’re so peaceful to watch.” His voice trailed off. “Please forgive me for taking liberties, but I couldn’t contain my feelings for you, and with everything I shared about Lisa…” his voice grew heavy as he sighed. “I know it sounds dumb, but I wanted to bring you pleasure as a small thank you for being exactly what I needed when I shared… and I can’t explain my deep attraction to you. The comfort I find being next to and with you.” He smiled sheepishly for having felt me up in my sleep. I didn’t mind. Not that I’d ever tell him so.
His admission that I brought him comfort shocked to my senses. I reached up and pulled his head down until our lips met. The kiss started slow and languid at first. It didn’t take long before he shifted his weight over me, his knee between my thighs so he had the height he needed to dominate the kiss. I reached up to entwine my hands in his hair, but he stopped me, took me by the wrists and imprisoned them above my head, where he held them with only his right hand. His left hand made quick work of lifting my shirt up and freeing my breasts from the confines of my lace bra.
His desire felt divine. Our tongues sparred, teased and retreated. Our lips meshed, and teeth nipped. He made short work of getting to my neck, finding all my sensitive places. The moans escaping my mouth further guided him. He made the presence of his hard erection known as he ground his hips into the most sensitive parts of my sex, churning and thrusting in a cadence my wanton body provoked and gladly marched along with.
“God, Tessa, I…” he raised his head and his voice trailed off as though searching for words that eluded him.
The break from our passionate kiss gave me just long enough to realize what I was doing, what we were doing. I tried to pull my hands out from his, but he held them firmly.
“Noah, we’ve got to stop. Please, please let me go.” The desperate coldness in my own voice startled me.
The look of reverence that had glowed in his eyes and been etched across his face vanished as though I had slapped him. He instantly released me and moved off, lying on his back—not even touching me. The iciness I felt wasn’t just from the Arctic winds screaming across the field; the frosty blast radiating from across the imaginary center-line of the mattress that had been a love-nest only seconds before.
“Will you listen to me?” I whispered in a weak but heartfelt plea.
Noah wasn’t having any of it. “Honestly, Tessa? I can’t read you. I’m getting tired of trying to, and at this point every cell in body just doesn’t give a fuck.”
“OH, REALLY!” I snarled, so ready to give him a harsh tongue lashing. How dare he come on to me that strong, and then not even a minute later, blow me off like that? “So, you’re pissed because you want
ed a piece of ass?” The stutter of disbelief fell like a dead body out of my mouth. Lifeless. Cold.
“No, but fucking believe whatever makes you happy, sweetheart.”
“Don’t sweetheart me. Don’t ever fucking sweetheart me. I stopped you because we’re moving too fast, because… because...” my voice broke and trailed off, turning away from him so he wouldn’t see the tears that fell rebelliously from my traitorous eyes.
A stark silence enveloped us. The northern lights lost their wonder and now felt malevolent.
My hot, angry tears quickly subsided, and I turned back. Noah stared directly at me. He appeared inquisitive but gave nothing else away with his body language. He reached out, “Tessa…”
“No, wait. Let me get this out.” I wrapped my arms around my body and snuggled deeper into the covers. “Noah, you confuse me. In fact, everything you make me feel confounds me.”
“Tess…”
“Noah, please. Let me finish before I can’t get it out.” I drew in a deep breath and continued. “Rational me knows that when you met me three days ago, you had no idea the love of your life would contact you the very next morning. I get that—truly, I do. I know from what you’ve told me that you’ve moved on but have always had that huge ‘what if’ resonating around in your head. You haven’t seen, let alone met, your daughter since you found out about her more than six years ago. I get all of that. I really do. I understand the intense and compelling feelings you must have that drive you to explore the possibility of how the three of you could be a family.”
“However, the emotional side of me foolishly wants you to discard the possibility of a future with them and explore one with me. It sounds so idiotic and selfish as I hear myself say it that I cannot even fathom why I thought you were on the same page as me. I guess when you made me feel so desired and wanted, it made me think—even if just for yesterday and today, that maybe you wanted me instead of Vi.” I released an uncomfortable and humorless laugh. “God, I even hate saying her name. Isn’t that laughable?”
Expunging the weight of all these feelings from my slender shoulders felt cathartic. I lay naked in spite of the sleeping bag and clothes I wore. Noah’s face had changed from one of enquiry to one of resolve. What that meant for me, for us, I wasn’t sure, so I just kept to my side and looked steadily back at him. It truly amazes me how much better I feel now that I’ve told him all the crap that’s been weighing me down the last couple of days.
As Noah drew in a deep breath, I knew I needed to brace myself for whatever he was about to say. “Tessa, I’m sorry for being so disrespectful. It really isn’t a habit I’m proud of. I am working on not saying things I don’t mean when I get mad, but in my defense… well, I thought this was IT. Yeah sure, it was about sinking my cock into what I can only imagine would feel like pussy jackpot—pardon my frankness—but for me it was more than that. I can’t explain how I feel about you. I know you’re right when you say I entertain the idea of a future with Suri and with Pallavi as my wife. I’ve thought about it more times than I can even count since I left her flat that day in New York, and since I got that call about my daughter.” Noah stopped and growled in exasperation while he scrubbed his hands over his face; an act I had grown accustomed to seeing him do.
“You’re right. Everything you’ve said is true. Tessa, I know I met you at the worst possible time. I was just trying for a hook-up to get them and that mess out of my life, to give myself a clean break so I could finally move on. I admit it. I was hoping you’d give me a sign tonight, now that we’ve moved past having just met, so I could ‘charm’ you into riding my cock. Sure. What kind of guy in my place wouldn’t?”
His admission stunned me. I had no words. I could only stare at him, unable to shake the blank look frozen on my face. I just bared my soul, and this prick responds by telling me he hoped I’d be a good lay? Who does that?
Foolish optimism swelled in me, the more I considered his situation. He didn’t set out to hurt me; I’m just collateral damage. I found I started to seek excuses for his behavior. The nurturer in me wanted to wrap my arms around him and console him. I’m sure if it were hard for me to get my feelings off my chest, that for a guy, it must be even harder.
He continued his tirade, voice growing angrier with every word. “But, damn it. Then you stormed into my life. There’s no logic or sense to explain how or what the feelings that I’ve developed for you are, but there they are. Boom. You’ve totally upended me.”
A deafening silence fell for a single, breathless moment. Then, I heard him inhale deeply once, twice. “So, my plan, if you were wondering, is to take leave and see where Vi and I are. Regardless of how that goes, I want to meet Suri more than anything. I want to see if she looks like me, or like both of us, or more like her beauti…” Noah cut himself short, but not before I caught he was about to call his ex ‘beautiful’.
Well, FUCK. That sucked. There’s only so much I can take. I mean, is he hurt and confused, or just a total egomaniacal asshole?
“Noah, I know we have this amazing connection. I also know our ship has taken on too much water already, and I don’t even think we’ve left the dock yet. Not really.”
“But we can do this. We can make it work.” He tried to sound convincing but fell short.
This is moving so fast. Do I want to make it work?
“Noah, it only works if you go see Vi and decide that after all the years you’ve spent wanting and dreaming of her, you decide to discard it all and gamble on an ‘us’ that hasn’t even started yet. That is a HUGE gamble. Not only that, but it would require me to accept that I’m second fiddle. That being with me is not your first choice, which is true since you are exploring your possibilities with her before you explore what we have.”
I watched Noah, and I could tell he was squirming.
“Don’t misread what I am saying. I DO NOT expect you to make that gamble, nor do I foresee you being able to come right out and hurt my feelings, so I’ll do it for you. We cannot, will not, have sex. I cannot kiss you anymore because it draws up feelings I don’t want to have for you, not when you’re in love with Vi.” I sighed deeply, squirming uncomfortably myself.
“Noah, I deserve to have someone feel about me the way that you feel about her. I want someone to think about me for years, even if life keeps us apart, and then drop everything to take leave to come see me. That is what I want, and certainly what I deserve. So, this is it. It’s the way it has to be.” My voice shook, and a trail of tears flowed down my cheeks. “I hate it, but it’s what I have to do because it’s best for me, and ultimately best for you.”
Resigned, Noah slid over and pulled me into his arms. “God, you are an amazing woman. I’d be… anyone would be so lucky to have you.”
“This. Sucks,” I said with so much emotion in my voice that I choked on the words. Then, heavier tears came. Noah held me, rocking gently. “I believe everything happens for a reason…,” a sob racked me before I could finish.
Noah held me, waiting patiently until I composed myself.
What a shitty night.
“I knew from our first meeting that there were so many things I would be looking for in the guy who ended up being right for me. I don’t want to freak you out, and I am afraid that what I say might, but I love you.”
I felt Noah squeeze me tighter, and the slightest moan slipped from his delicious lips.
“I’m not saying I am in love with you, Noah. It wouldn’t take much, but there are so many things about you that I do love. I can’t imagine us losing track of each other. I know I want you in my life.”
“Tessa, I love you too. You’re one of the most intriguing and amazing souls I’ve ever met. Maybe, if the stars weren’t crossed, we’d be right for each other, but you’re right. There are too many obstacles to jump, and we’ve only begun the course. Man, I do love you. It feels like we’re some kind of soulmates, maybe best friends in another life.”
I interrupted, “I know, right? Doesn’t it fee
l like we’ve known one another forever?”
I wanted to tell him since yesterday that we’d met three years ago, before I joined the Navy. That he’d taken my virginity. That he was the one I compared all others to, because I’d felt such an immediate and intense chemistry with him. I wanted him to recognize me just like I figured out he was ‘Ren’. Now the door for this opportunity had closed, and there was just no point.
Even if he felt the same as me—which he’s alluded to daily, it isn’t enough with Vi on the sidelines.
I was crushed.
Noah’s lips came down on mine with such caged passion that I had no option but to let him. Not, that I would’ve tried to stop him if he’d come at me any other way.
We spent the remainder of the night kissing passionately, groping, caressing, cuddling, and clinging to the flickering hope that that we both knew would die at the first hint of daylight. We lay in each other’s arms as the suggestion of dawn crept into the night. I knew, and felt that Noah knew, that this was the final goodbye to ‘us’. Goodbye to the possibility of anything that reached beyond ‘friends’.
Sammie plopped down on my air mattress and bounced me right off it. I hit the ground with a resounding thud.
“Son of a…,” I exclaimed loudly at the rude awakening. I sat up, still in my sleeping bag, and surveyed the camp. Dax lingered in bed. Dirk and Noah had disappeared. Now, Sammie lay down on my bed—waiting for the right time to fish for information.
“So…?”
