Catch Me a Cowboy (Wattle Valley, #1)

by Jacquie Underdown

  ‘I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m ending it.’ Xanthi didn’t understand how it felt. Emily would love to be able to throw caution to the wind and dive in, but these scars were deep, imprinted on her soul. She couldn’t break the chains. She couldn’t bring herself to open up to the possibility of pain. No, not a possibility, but an inevitability. Wil was a man, was he not? His eyes would wander. He would go looking for someone younger, perkier, once he grew tired of her. That’s what men did. That’s what they always did. And then where would she be? Alone. Broken hearted.

  ‘Em. Don’t. I swear it. You’ll never hear from me again.’

  Emily sighed. ‘I’ve made up my mind.’ Then hung the phone up. She tramped to the tree and sat down under it, her back against the trunk. Her chest was burning. No matter how much she had tried to tell herself differently over the last couple of months, she could not change how her body responded. How her defences shot up to protect her heart. And it wasn’t even the fact that she had to move out to the country for him. Not entirely. No, it was as simple as not being able to accept his love, of holding her arms open and embracing his and her feelings. Of embracing him.

  None of this changed the way she felt about him. She loved him so hard and the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. It was going to tear her chest open knowing that she was going to, though, because there was no other way. They’d let this go too far. She’d let this go too far.

  What had she done staying on in this competition when she knew, deep down, she would never see this through. She thought if she just tried to push it aside, to the back of her mind, that it would go away, or that something would interfere and she’d never have to make the decision. But here she was, freaking out because decision time was here, and she had made the decision to leave him.

  She couldn’t continue to do this to Wil. She had to make it right before the show ended. Give him the opportunity, a real chance, to find love with one of the other contestants. Becky. Or Tatiana. Her stomach churned and clenched just thinking about him with them, but she had no choice. He deserved more than her. His beautiful family. His beautiful self. She couldn’t keep lying to him. Couldn’t keep leading him on, all of them on.

  As much as she loved him, she could not take that risk. Wil needed more than that, deserved more than someone who was so utterly broken that even his love, which burned so fiercely through her cells, couldn’t fix.

  Chapter 39

  Wil had jumped out of the shower and was dressing when Andrea texted that production would be arriving earlier than organised as there was something important to talk to him about.

  Wil had no idea what could be so important that they couldn’t stick to their agreed upon schedule. But he was too high to care. His sister had given birth to a beautiful baby girl in the early hours of the morning. Emily had guessed right. He had texted through photos to her earlier, but he hadn’t received a reply yet. That wasn’t anything unusual, Emily often had her phone switched off.

  Andrea arrived with a cameraman and directed Wil into the lounge where they did their private filming most evenings. Wil took a seat on the couch, Andrea across from him. The camera started rolling.

  There was a tension in the room—anticipation. Wil’s stomach tightened.

  ‘Wil, things aren’t so great with Emily.’

  He sat up straighter, tensed to stand and go to her. ‘Why? What happened? Is she okay?’

  Andrea shook her head. ‘No, nothing like that. We caught her last night with a second phone, which you know is against the rules.’

  ‘Oh please. Every contestant has a smuggled-in phone. If that’s the least of your worries then you’re wasting my—’

  ‘There’s more, Wil.’

  The tone of Andrea’s voice made him snap his mouth shut and listen.

  ‘We were informed by some of the other contestants that she was sneaking out at night, making phone calls. We set up an audio recording device to uncover what exactly she was doing.’

  Wil’s stomach twisted. God, they’d made love where she made her phone calls. Had they captured that? ‘And?’ Wil asked tentatively, not willing to give anything away at this stage.

  ‘And we recorded a rather upsetting conversation she had with one of her friends.’

  Wil shook his head.

  Andrea lifted her smartphone in the air and pressed play. Emily’s skittish voice rang out.

  Why does it frighten me to death?

  If I didn’t have to give everything up to be with him, I might be able to take the risk. If I could ensure I still held on to my apartment and my job, we might be able to make it work.

  There was a brief pause; it reminded Wil he needed to breathe.

  I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m ending it.

  I’ve made up my mind.

  Wil fell back against the couch on a long exhalation. He shook his head, then scoffed. ‘This is a joke, right?’

  Andrea’s expression was grim. ‘No. It’s not.’

  He couldn’t believe it. No, he wouldn’t until he spoke to Emily face-to-face.

  ‘We had a great night. She told me she was falling in love with … this doesn’t make sense. Where … why?’ He stood, rubbing his palms on his jeans. ‘I need to talk to her. Where is she?’

  Andrea stood too and pressed a hand to his forearm. ‘She’s on her way here.’

  He flicked her away. ‘Don’t,’ he snarled. He would not accept her false commiserations.

  Wil stormed out of the room, ripping his microphone off as he did. He pushed through the front door and stood on the porch, breathing heavily. Did she not want to be with him?

  No.

  She was scared, that’s all.

  He’d seen that fear in her. Knew it was strong. But he’d convince her otherwise. He’d calm the situation down once they talked.

  As he waited for Emily to arrive, he paced the length of the porch, his footsteps sounding heavy against the timber palings.

  The roar of an engine came over the hill, the crackle of sticks and rocks under tyres. Then he saw the car. He watched it, waiting, his heart beating hard and fast in his chest when it pulled up outside the house.

  He raced over and opened the door. Emily wouldn’t look him in the eye. Why wouldn’t she look at him? His guts tightened. His throat constricted. She was dressed up in jeans and a blouse, scarf and stupid stilettos. What did that mean? He had an idea, but he couldn’t contemplate it.

  ‘Emily?’ he asked. Surprised to hear the desperation in his voice.

  Her shoulders rolled back as she drew her torso higher. She finally levelled her gaze on his. Her face was expressionless. The walls were up. Emily was no longer there in her beautiful features.

  ‘I’ve decided to leave the show.’

  Her words were like a punch in the guts. His chest panged with pain. ‘What? Why?’

  ‘You deserve happiness, Wil. You won’t get that with me.’

  ‘What the fuck? I already have that with you. You know I do. Don’t you feel the same way?’

  Emily inhaled deeply and cleared her throat. ‘I can’t leave my life for this farm. So, it’s not worth taking this any further. It’s better I go now and give you the opportunity to fall in love with one of the other contestants.’

  Wil dragged in his next breaths. Anger coiled through his veins. He was aware of the cameras closing in on him, the microphone arched above his head. He snarled at Andrea. ‘Turn them off! Give me a bloody break for a moment.’ He peered back at Emily. ‘You looked into my father’s eyes last night, in front of my entire family, and you said you were willing to move out here to be with me. Was that a lie?’

  ‘At the time, no.’

  ‘And mere hours later you realise that it was?’

  ‘Yes.’

  His voice cracked. ‘Fuck, Emily. You can’t do this. We were happy. Weren’t we?’ His last question was weak, filled with confusion.

  ‘I’m sorry, Wil.’

  He thought they had something s
pecial, yet she was willing to give it all up. Not even try to see if it would work after the show. God, this was like his ex-wife all over again—the city lights too bright. The betrayal was enormous, compounding in his heart like a sledgehammer was slamming at his chest. But to lie to his face and to his family’s face with such ease. Emily was exactly like Billi—a liar, selfish, and untrustworthy. He would never be able to trust a single word that came out of her mouth. Maybe it was better if she just left. If this was what they were always going to have to deal with then he was better off without her.

  ‘Fine. Go! Just go, Emily. I’m done. You do whatever the hell you want. Enjoy yourself.’

  He stormed away, back into the house, slamming the door behind him. As he stood in the lounge room, he rolled his head back and closed his eyes, trying to drag in some air. His chest was so tight. But most of all, his heart ached like she had taken it and stomped it with the heel of her fucking stiletto.

  He lowered into a crouch, lolled his head forward and scrubbed his hands over his face. He could not believe this was happening to him again! What the hell had he done to incur this much bad luck when it came to love? Why was it impossible for someone else to love him back as much as he loved them?

  He groaned out loud. Had every word out of her mouth over the last seven weeks been a complete fucking lie?

  Chapter 40

  Emily pushed through the door of her apartment and switched on the lights. Fifi ran to the door, meowing at her feet. She bent and patted her head.

  ‘Hello, darling. I missed you so much.’

  Xanthi had been feeding her while she was gone. She would have to let her know she was home. Emily straightened and threw the keys on the table beside the door, missing the bowl they were intended for. As she walked through the living room, she sighed. The noise of cars, horns and people rushing outside was oppressively loud. How she was ever able to concentrate with that blaring day in day out, dumbfounded her.

  Dusty footprints from Xanthi’s children ran across the length of the white tiles. Emily smiled to see it. The floor looked better with them, her apartment more of a home with some life injected into it.

  She dragged her luggage across the room and left them on the floor outside the kitchen, then went back to the lounge and collapsed on the couch. She shifted her body, trying to find a comfortable position, but couldn’t. She huffed as she looked down at the hard, unforgiving white leather and wondered why she ever believed this impractical couch was a good decision.

  She thought of Wil’s then, soft and welcoming. Emotion followed, a scorching pain in her chest. She swallowed down the lump in her throat and tossed aside those memories of him. No use moping around about someone or something that could never be. Best just get on with things.

  She grabbed her mobile from her handbag and opened her messages. Nothing from Wil. No messages from anyone. The lump in her throat grew bigger at that stark realisation. Tears stung her eyes. Had her life always been this empty, or had she just not noticed it before? Fifi jumped up onto the couch beside her and curled up on her lap. She stroked her head as more tears fell down her cheeks. She sniffled and palmed them away, then blinked quickly to stop the flow of any more.

  Emily typed out a message to Xanthi.

  EMILY: I’m home. Thanks for looking after Fifi for me.

  A message came back.

  XANTHI: k

  Nothing more than ‘k’. Emily’s guts churned. She had hoped Xanthi had simply been threatening her over the phone last night, but judging by that message, she was serious.

  Emily opened the message and hit ‘call’. The phone rang three times then switched to message bank. She hung up and dialled again. Straight to message bank. She waited for the beep this time. What could she say, though? What would make this different, better?

  The phone beeped. She inhaled deeply and said, ‘I’m sorry … so sorry …’ Then hung up. What other words were there? She could barely think as it was.

  Emily scrolled through her contacts for her office number. She hovered her thumb over the dial button as she cleared her throat and palmed away tears with her other hand. She shook her head and pressed dial.

  Emily was connected through to her office manager, who had been taking care of things while she was away.

  ‘Emily, you’re home, are you?’

  ‘Yes,’ Emily said, trying to keep her voice steady.

  ‘Fantastic. So did you win?’

  ‘It’s confidential.’

  ‘Damn it. I thought I’d get some insider information. So, let me guess, you’ll be back in the office tomorrow?’

  ‘Actually, I’m going to take the rest of the week off. I’ll see you on Monday morning.’

  Silence. ‘Is everything okay?’

  Emily cleared her throat and smiled, but it was just teeth. ‘Fine. Of course. Fine. Why do you ask?’

  ‘I’ve been working with you for the last four years and you’ve not taken any time off. I wondered if you were human,’ she finished with a nervous chuckle.

  ‘I assure you, I’m human. I’ll see you Monday.’

  Emily hung up. She couldn’t face clients or employees just yet. As much as she was trying to push down her emotions, it wasn’t working. The wall she had worked so hard to build throughout her adult life wasn’t as strong as it once was. Wil Parker wasn’t easy to forget. Her body was weighted down, her muscles weary.

  She gently pushed Fifi off her lap, heaved herself from the couch and went to the bathroom for a bath. She turned her favourite playlist on and a soft melody echoed through the room, strumming too fiercely on her feelings until it hurt and her head was consumed with thoughts of Wil. She jabbed at the stop button—not ready for music yet.

  Emily undressed and sat on the edge of the bath, staring at the stream of water and steam that billowed from it. Had she made a mistake leaving? She shook her head hard. No. No, she hadn’t. In the long run, this was the easier option.

  When the water was high enough, Emily slipped into its depths and rested her head back against the tub. Despite the heat of the water, a chill had spread across her body and leached into her bones. A coldness that felt so much like loneliness.

  She climbed out after a moment, unable to find comfort or warmth. Her back was achy. Her throat burnt. Nowhere could she find reprieve from the turmoil inside. Everything was a reminder of Wil and the pain she now felt without him.

  From her bedroom closet, she pulled out her winter clothes and dressed into them. She closed the blinds, blackening the room. She grabbed Fifi and placed her on the end of the bed then laid down. She closed her eyes and cried until she was empty.

  Chapter 41

  Wil sat at the local pub with Alec. Only the hard-core drinkers were there at this time of day, lined up at the bar. He didn’t care that it was midday and he was already blind rotten drunk. He was supposed to be on a date with one of the other girls. He couldn’t think who; their faces all blended with the other. The only face he could conjure in his mind was Emily’s. And then he’d drink a little more to try and hide her under a blanket of numb comfortability.

  Impossible.

  ‘I’m glad you’re here, mate,’ he said to Alec, tongue thick and words slow.

  Alec nodded. ‘Me too.’

  ‘I can’t quite believe it, you know? What the hell happened there? One minute I was planning our children … our fucking children. I was having kids with her. And she was smiling and happy. Then—’ he lifted his hands in the air, ‘—poof, she’s gone. Is she a magician, because I’ve never seen someone disappear that quickly?’

  Alec smiled sympathetically and slapped Wil’s back. ‘Women, mate, they’re unpredictable.’

  Wil lifted his glass to his lips and gulped at his beer, not tasting the amber liquid as it slid over his tongue. He lowered it to the bar and stared at the lacquered timber bar top, following the grooves and lines with his eyes, yet not seeing them. All he could see was Emily. He could still feel the soft give of her flesh, t
he fierceness of her lips on his. He could see her honey eyes staring up at him, full of love. That wasn’t all in his imagination, surely. All those memories couldn’t be a lie.

  But maybe they were. Maybe she was exactly like he had presumed any woman who would sign up for a show like Catch Me a Cowboy would be. She played the game, got her air time, then left.

  He couldn’t believe it was over. Zip. Bang. Done and dusted. Her hands wiped clean of him. A heaviness settled over him like a suffocating blanket. How did he get here again? So quickly. For three years he’d prevented anyone getting close to his heart, then the moment he let his guard down, opened his arms wide, it was broken again.

  He lifted his gaze and looked at his brother. ‘I’m so lost. I don’t know the way anymore. I don’t …’ His voice cracked, so he stopped and swallowed hard. His throat hurt. His heart ached. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I give my heart over and no one wants it.’ He lowered his face into his hands and breathed deeply.

  ‘I’m sorry, mate,’ came his brother’s voice. But it sounded distant, indistinct, through the muddle of Wil’s wallowing and inebriation.

  Wil sat up taller and sighed. ‘So am I.’ He shook his head and groaned. ‘I thought I’d found The One. Emily’s the only one. And she throws everything back in my face.’ He slammed his fist on the bar. The pain came a second later. ‘I don’t understand.’

  The barman came over. ‘Wil, mate, I think you’ve had enough. Best if you and Alec head on home, eh?’

  Alec stood and put his arms on Wil’s shoulders. Wil shook him off. ‘All right. All right. I don’t need help!’ He stood, too quickly, and wobbled. Alec caught him. He let him because it was either that or his head was going to hit the floor. The bar was spinning around him.

  ‘Thanks, mate,’ said Alec to the barman, then wrapped his arm around Wil and helped him from the pub.

  Everything faded until he was being manhandled into the back of Dad’s car, Alec jumping in beside him.

  ‘He’s not going to spew, is he?’ came his dad’s voice.

  Wil shook his head, tried to keep his eyes open. ‘I’m not going to shhhpew.’