by Amy DeMeritt
A hand brushes my cheek and my head jerks away as my eyes fly open. Sydney gives me a sad understanding smile and holds a tissue out to me so I can wipe the tears off of my cheeks.
“Thanks for talking me into going to the beach yesterday, even though we didn’t make it. Watching you pick up that woman and take off for the hospital was the most sobering experience of my life. I can’t even imagine what you’re dealing with inside after that and it’s amazing to me that you didn’t even reach for a bottle of liquor to numb the feelings or whatever. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I don’t even know what you say after something like that. I really respect you and what you try to do for people and I respect how you deal with all of it. Don’t worry about me today. I’ll keep my shit together so you can focus on keeping yours together.”
“Thanks. I don’t really know what to say either. I’m still trying to accept that it happened and that Janell is dead. I’ll do my best today. Just…” I take a deep breath as I close my eyes to try not to cry. “I’ll probably need your patience with the love scene. I just…”
“I get it. Don’t worry about it. It’s hard to film a love scene as it is. If you need to take breaks, I won’t be mad at you.”
“Thanks.”
Sydney slips her hand in mine and holds it on the seat between us. She gives me an encouraging smile and squeezes my hand once. I try to return the smile, but it feels more like a quivering grimace. I lean my head back and try to focus on what is expected of me today instead of my emotions.
I wish my wives were here. I wish I had my babies in my arms. I even wish it was Sorina holding my hand instead of Sydney. Sorina is an incredible friend and she was there for me after we found out what Shane did. She held me while I was fresh in the pain of that moment. And she held me yesterday when the spirits brought us full circle.
Even though the doctor said I probably saved Eerin’s life by helping Janell get to the hospital, it’s hard to accept that Janell died. I wish I had more time with her. I wish I could have at least… I don’t even know. I don’t know what more I would have said to her if I knew she was going to die.
Sara’s voice startles me as she says, “We’re here. Are you ready to go in?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
As we walk into the studio, all work stops and everyone turns to look at us. Brett, the director walks over with a small smile and gives me a hug.
“After I saw the news, I expected to get a text from Sara that you need off today. I’m not going to bombard you with a bunch of questions or comments on what you did and the crew has been ordered to do the same. However, I do want to say, what you did may have been an easy decision for you because of the type of person you are, but it was still an incredible thing you did. Thank you for coming in. Let us know if you need anything today. If you need more breaks, let me know.”
“Thanks.”
“If you’re ready, head to your dressing rooms and we’ll get started so we can try to finish as early as possible.”
In a daze, I follow Sara and Sydney down the hall and after Sydney gives me a brief hug, I follow Sara into my dressing room. I put the cooler Shannon packed for me on a side table, then plop down on the couch. Sara sits down next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders.
“Yesterday really happened, didn’t it?”
“Yes. After we leave here, we’ll start making burial arrangements. Are you sure you’re ready to do this today? I can go out there and tell…”
“No, I need to do this. I at least need to try to do this. Madison and Sam want to try to get pregnant together after they graduate.” My eyes tear up and my throat constricts like someone is tightening a rope around my neck. “Sara, what if…?”
I shake my head and start crying. Sara pulls me into her arms and kisses the top of my head.
“Pregnancy is dangerous, no matter how healthy and fit a woman is. You already know that. But what happened to Janell is not common. Miscarriage is far more common.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better. The thought of losing a wife or another child… I can’t handle it.”
“Have you talked to them about this?”
“No. I didn’t even mean to say it to you. I didn’t even realize I was thinking it. We’re supposed to be celebrating the grand opening of the restaurant when I get home, then Madison’s and Sam’s graduation, then we’re supposed to fly out to Cherokee for the ground breaking of our cultural center. Madison has been in talks with Jerry about starting her solo singing career. I have another Sharps movie to film in the autumn. There is so much going on this year. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I love children and I want more children, but I’m so scared. I knew the risks existed, but I never felt this fear before. It’s too real and unreal at the same time. I feel like I’m floating in the air with the ground moving beneath me – like everything is passing me by and I can’t get a grip to move with it.”
Sara releases me, pushing me into an upright position, and she points to my costume hanging on a rack next to the vanity, saying, “You get a grip by getting up and living. I know it hurts like hell and you’re terrified. But if you keep sitting here thinking about it, it’s going to paralyze you. So, get up, get dressed, and let the makeup team turn you into a badass fighter jet pilot. Do your job and escape into your character for a few hours. Then when the job is done and reality sets in, break down if you have to. When the job is done, you can allow yourself to feel again and you can talk to your wives about all if this. Because I guarantee every one of them is feeling the same fears you are and you all need to be there for each other to get through it. Isn’t that what those domino charms were meant to represent – each of you falling and rising together? When we go home, comfort each other and pick each other back up.”
I wipe my eyes as I nod and shuffle to the edge of the couch. “Yeah, ok, you’re right.”
I take several deep breaths then walk behind a screen and start stripping to put on the pilot jumpsuit. I have to do this. I can do this.
When I come out from behind the screen, Sara hands me a bottle of tea from my cooler and a folded note.
“It’s from Shannon. You should read it.”
I unfold the note and my eyes immediately flood with tears and my bottom lip starts quivering.
Kayla,
Sometimes, I wish we could freeze time so we could take a step back from everything and hold each other without having to disrupt the rest of the world or miss out on other experiences. But time doesn’t stop for anyone. In the blink of an eye, innumerable things occur around the globe. In the blink of an eye, I feel the full magnitude of our separation when we’re apart, especially in moments like this. I know I could have come with you today. I could have stood on the sidelines and watched you work and held you between takes or between scenes. But I wouldn’t have wanted to let you go. I would have needed you to keep holding me. So, when you come home, I’m going to fall into your arms so I can listen to your heartbeat and your breathing. I just want to be in your arms.
Over four years ago, I met my knight in shiny armor when you landed in the hospital under my care. Even through the pain yesterday, your armor shone brightly as you reacted to a situation without hesitation to help someone in need. This time, the wounds are emotional and psychological, but we’re going to mend them together as a family. I love you, Kayla, and I am so proud to call you my wife and the mother of our children. I know you’re going to do great today. And after you’re done being brave and strong today, come home and heal with your family. Your dominos are waiting to rise with you.
Your loving and proud wife,
Shannon
I throw my arms around Sara and break down crying against her shoulder. I need to be in Shannon’s arms so badly right now. But Shannon believes I can do this. Sara believes I can do this. Time stops for no one. I have to do this. Taking a deep breath, I pull away wiping my eyes.
“It was a good letter.”
I nod as I op
en the bottle of tea and take several big gulps. I close my eyes as I take several long deep breaths. When I open my eyes again, I’m more composed and feel an odd burst of energy I haven’t felt since Janell went into labor yesterday.
“Ok, I’m ready.”
“I’ll get your makeup team.”
I take a seat at the vanity and I try to imagine Shannon standing behind me and smiling at me through the mirror. I imagine her sweet voice telling me, “I know you’re going to do great today.”
The makeup team works in silence, which I’m sure Sara demanded before she allowed them into the dressing room, and I’m extremely grateful for it. When we left the hospital yesterday, there was a horde of news vans and reporters waiting for us and I had to give a statement on what happened. It was excruciating to get through. I’m not up for answering more questions.
As we walk out into the studio, someone says, “Hey.” I stop at the sound of the familiar voice and look around. Kelly and Bethany are leaning against the wall with their arms crossed over their chests and small smiles on their faces. I throw my arms around Kelly and she wraps me tightly in her strong arms. She kisses me on the top of my head and lays her cheek against my head.
“What are you doing here?” I ask the question while still laying on her, and she rubs my back before squeezing me tighter.
“I’m here to make sure the fight scene goes the way it should, but mostly, I wanted to see how you’re doing after yesterday.”
I take a deep breath as I lift my head and take a step back, but she keeps her hands on my shoulders. “I’m still in shock and disbelief that it happened. But I’m also happy I was there to help and that I’m going to be able to give her baby a good life. But I think that’s as much as I can say right now so I don’t lose it.”
“That’s fine. I understand you’ve got a job to do. But if you need to talk or you need to sweat it out or fight it out, you know I’m here.”
“Thanks. That means a lot to me.”
Bethany grabs my hand and gently tugs on it, so I allow her to pull me into a hug. She kisses my cheek before pressing her face against mine with her lips barely touching my ear.
“I’m really glad you were there to help that woman. I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn’t been there. Our crazy city needs more kindness like you.”
“I’m not sure if I was there to help her or they were there to help me. I mean, I’m the one with the gift of a child and Janell is gone.”
Bethany pulls back some to look in my eyes. “You’re very interesting.” She goes to place a hand on my cheek, but then pulls her hand back. “I probably shouldn’t touch your face and ruin your makeup. Anyway, I want your phone number.”
“Uh, why do you want my number?”
“To spam you with telemarketing calls and texts for a ton of products and services you don’t need.” She playfully punches me in the shoulder with a laugh. “How else am I going to talk to you when you’re not at the gym if I don’t have your number?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?”
Bethany takes a deep calming breath and looks at Sara with wide eyes. “Please tell me she’s not always this clueless?”
With a firmness in her voice, Sara answers, “Kayla is cautious and she has very good reasons to be.”
“Ah, understood. Well, I just want to be your friend or an acquaintance or just a person you entertain with a brief conversation sometimes. Whatever works for you. Or we can stick to kicking each other’s asses in the gym and leave it there.”
“So, you admit that I kicked your ass?”
Bethany laughs hard and pushes me backwards, saying, “You wish.”
I pull my phone out and pull up a blank contact page. Bethany’s smile widens as I hand the phone over for her to enter her number.
“I took the liberty of texting myself on your behalf. And I must say, you were very honest in your text.”
She grins in a proud way as she passes my phone back. I read her text and laugh. She wrote, “Bethany is a serious badass and I’ll never be able to defeat her.”
“Hey, Kayla, are you ready?”
“Oh, hey, Angie. Yeah, I’m ready.”
She nods and talks into her headset as she motions us forward. Before we take our places, Sydney and I silently read our lines a few times, getting them fresh in our minds. The makeup artists do final checks and adjustments to us, then we’re told to take our places.
“Kayla, your phone.” Brett points at my ass, where my phone is in my back pocket.
“Oh, right.”
I pull it out and try to tuck it in my front pocket, but he calls out again, saying, “Lose the phone, Kayla. We can’t take the chance of it showing up in the shot at all.”
I really wanted to keep my phone on me just in case my wives need me. But I guess I’m being overly concerned. I walk to the sidelines and offer my phone to Sara. She pockets it with an understanding smile and squeezes my shoulder.
I take my seat on the barstool again, and after Brett calls out a bunch of different instructions to the crew, he calls action for us to pick up the scene where we left off on Friday. Sydney curses under her breath, and I turn on my barstool to see the capital’s soldiers walking in and scanning faces with devices that will tell them whether the person is a fugitive or rebel. My character and eight other men and women in this bar are rouge capitol soldiers with huge bounties on our heads for abandoning our posts and creating a militia to take down the current intergalactic government.
The first of my crew is recognized, even though he tries to dodge the officer. Then all hell breaks loose. And in the blink of an eye, I lose myself in my character. I lose myself in all of the intense training with Kelly and throw every choreographed punch, kick, flip, gun shot, and wield my high-tech long staff that extends from a small six-inch bar to plow through the never-ending flow of capital officers that keep coming into the bar. It’s pure scripted chaos and it’s a wonderful rush. I fight, flip through the air, and scream my lines, along with a couple of dozen other actors and actresses. It’s an escape from reality. Then someone explodes a flashing smoke bomb so we can try to escape from the bar.
“Cut!”
And in the blink of an eye, reality hits again. I’m not a rouge fighter jet pilot fighting my way through a horde of the capital’s soldiers in some futuristic universe. I’m Kayla Johann, wife of six and mother of four. I’m a mother of four and I didn’t even get to experience the joy of the pregnancy of the fourth – only the horrors of the fatal delivery.
I take a seat on my barstool and wait to see if Brett is happy with the footage from all of the cameras that are surrounding the set.
Sydney leans over the bar with too big of a smile, and with an uncharacteristically chipper tone, she says, “You nailed that scene. You were awesome.”
I don’t have the energy she has, so I just give her a small grunting, “Thanks.”
“Whatever you’re thinking about right now, shut it down.” Her tone and expression are much more stoic now. “You were focused during that scene, but right now, you look… Just shut it down, Kayla. You can do this.”
“I’m trying.”
My leg starts bouncing on the ball of my foot and my heart starts beating out of my chest. Why is Brett taking so fucking long to make a call?
“Kayla, breathe.”
I close my eyes and take a long slow breath through my nose. A hand grips my bicep and I spin around with a fist raised, but Kelly and Bethany pick me up from my stool to stand in front of them.
“What are you…?”
Kelly meets my eyes with a meaningful look, and says, “We need to keep your muscles warm so you don’t get a cramp if you need to run the scene again. We’re going to spar.”
I release a hard exhale of relief and start moving in a circle with her. We throw and block punch after punch and kick after kick for several minutes. My breathing escalates from the exercise, but my mind is relaxed and my heart is pumping, but not from
anxiety.
Brett has us reshoot the scene again with a few stops to make adjustments to lighting, camera angles, and to change pieces of various fights that he decides he doesn’t like. Between each break, either Kelly or Bethany come onto the set to lightly spar with me, just enough to keep me moving and focused on something other than the hundreds of terrifying thoughts I would be focused on if they weren’t actively distracting me.
The escape scene from the bar through a tunnel and to Sydney’s character’s house only requires two quick takes. Then we’re given a thirty-minute break for the crew to get ready to film the sex scene.
As I’m taking a seat in a chair, Sara hands me a bottle of water. “You’re doing great. Are you hungry?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s been almost four hours since you ate breakfast and you’ve been moving nearly nonstop. You should eat.”
I’m too caught up in my head to really be able to feel the rest of my body to know if I’m hungry. But by Sara’s logic, I should be hungry or at least be responsible enough to stay fueled.
“Ok.”
Sara walks away and Kelly and Bethany take her place in front of me, and Kelly says, “We won’t be allowed on set while you’re filming the love scene.” She looks side to side and lowers her voice, asking, “Do you want us to stay in case you need us between takes?”
“I…” I take a deep breath and run a hand over my face. “I don’t know. They can take hours to film. Hours. I have to last another… Anyway, yeah, no. That’s not a reasonable request. You have a business and a life and…”
“Kayla, look at me.” I look up to meet Kelly’s dark brown eyes. “Do you want us to stay?”
“Yes.”
“Then we’ll stay.”
“Thank you.”
Sara sits down next to me with the cooler Shannon packed for me. She pulls out a container, and after taking off the lid, she hands me a delicious looking grilled chicken sandwich with avocado, lettuce, and tomato.
