She rolls her eyes. “But I woke up in the middle of the night, and you two weren’t in the tent. I could hear you whispering outside.”
“Nothing happened,” I say. “We just talked all night.”
“Riiiiiight,” Sienna says, one eyebrow raised.
“I swear!” But somehow I’m smiling, and so is she. I look down and pick a piece of lint off my hoodie. “It doesn’t bother you? That I liked him?”
“Do you think he liked you?”
I look up at her, realize she’s serious, that she wants a real answer. “Yes. I mean, I think so.”
Her lips curl into the faintest of smiles. “Then, no, it doesn’t bother me. I like the idea that when he . . . when he left us, that something happy, something romantic was happening.”
I frown. “It never really happened though.”
She shrugs. “But if he liked you, he probably thought about it a lot. Thought about you a lot. My brother was a world-class flirt, but if he really cared about a girl, it took him a while to work up the nerve.”
My emotions rage, back and forth and up and down. Sadness for losing Steven. Happiness for sharing a conversation like this with Sienna. Despair for knowing she’ll never know why he really died. Optimism about the idea that our friendship could be repaired. Fear for what could happen if we really do become friends again, and I lose her. I can’t do it twice.
“What about you and Patrick? You guys have been dating, like, eighty million years.”
“One year,” she corrects. “And twelve days.”
“He seems super into you,” I say.
“You think?” She picks up a strand of hair and twists it around her finger.
“Definitely.”
“What’s going on with you and Cole?”
I pick up the stray kernels of popcorn that landed on my lap. “Uh, we kind of went out last weekend.”
Sienna’s jaw drops. “Seriously?”
I nod.
“We should do a double date or something, sometime,” she says.
“It’s kind of ... early still. For me and Cole.”
Sienna shrugs. “Maybe in a few weeks then.”
I nod. “That would be . . . great.”
And the scary thing is that it would be.
Chapter Seventeen
After Sienna leaves, all I want to do is swim. I want the water to clear the thoughts away, to somehow make everything make sense. The whole bumpy drive up to my lake, I can feel the anticipation. Every time my car splashes through one of the deep mud puddles, it reminds me of the lake, the feeling of the water on my skin. It’s building in my stomach, churning, growing, until all I want is to leap from my car and run the mile-long trail to get to the water.
I settle for a brisk walk, coupled with the occasional flying leap over downed trees and twisted, gnarled root systems. The ground is dark, moist from the evening rains. Occasional drops from the overhead fir trees hit me on the shoulders or cheeks, but I just wipe it away and keep going. Tonight, nothing will keep me from the hours of mind-numbing swimming. Not when everything in my life is changing so quickly.
By the time my lake comes into view, I’m already peeling off my clothes. It’s darker than usual today; the gray clouds still cling to the skyline, blotting out the moon and the stars.
I wade into the shallows and then dive, relishing the sluice of the water over my bare skin, ignoring the bite of the cold. I surface moments later and the song bursts out, just as it always has for the past two years.
But something doesn’t feel right. I blink up at the dark night sky, trying to figure out why the lake feels different tonight.
It’s as though the shadows have rearranged themselves.
I whirl around, look in every direction. As I tread water, I force a few weak notes out, but they feel off. It’s no longer like a bottle uncorked, but like a forcefully chosen melody, one I don’t know the words to and can’t seem to find. I tread water, my brow furrowed. The frigid water laps against my arms, my chin. This doesn’t make sense.
I clench my jaw and force the song to quiet. The water feels as if it has dropped forty degrees, but I know it hasn’t changed. I’m just freaking out. As the icy water slaps against my skin, the feeling of wrongness just won’t leave. For a reason I can’t quite name, I twist around to see behind me, and look into the woods.
Eyes.
Thirty feet away, under the canopy of evergreens, is a set of deep blue eyes, expressionless, staring back at me. Familiar eyes. I would know that vivid Caribbean blue anywhere.
Fear and shock coarse through me. It’s Erik. My mouth goes so dry I could choke, and my breath comes in weird shallow rasps. Panic consumes me. I want nothing more than to flee.
How long has he been standing there, watching me from beyond the tree line? Can he see the luminescent glow of my skin from that far away?
Then it dawns on me: How has he not followed me in yet? How has he not been lured by the siren’s call?
I find my voice, raspy and uncertain, and I call out to him. “What are you doing here?”
He doesn’t acknowledge me, just continues to stare. And then he takes a slow step backward.
“Why are you here?” I yell. But he takes another slow step, and then another, and another, until he’s disappeared into the shadows. Soon it is as if he hadn’t been there at all, as if I’d imagined the whole thing, because all I see is the shadowed tree line, jet-black under the canopy of the evergreens.
But I know I didn’t hallucinate.
I paddle to the shoreline and burst out of the water in seconds, grabbing at my clothes. I don’t pause to put them on until I can no longer see the lake, and even then, I struggle to get my shirt over my head while running. My arms are twisted up in my shirt when I collide with something hard. I cry out as I fall. Then I right myself.
It’s just a tree.
I yank my pants on but don’t bother with the shoes, just grip them harder in my hands. I sprint down the trail to my car, barely breathing until I throw myself into the seat and lock the door behind me.
My chest heaves faster and faster, but I can barely get air into my lungs. It’s as if there’s no oxygen inside my car. I jam my key in the ignition and throw the car into gear, spraying gravel as I gun it and head back down the mountain.
It’s barely ten thirty, but I can’t possibly swim.
The whole way down the mountain, the image of Erik watching me keeps floating in the darkness ahead.
Like there’s another one of him standing under every tree.
Chapter Eighteen
The following day at school, I’m freaked out, totally on edge. Why did he just . . . stand there like that? How could he listen to my song and not follow me in? What am I going to do when I see him today? And has he already told everyone what a complete and total freak I am?
Those unnatural bright blue eyes just keep coming back to me. Even in the shadows, I could see them, eyes like mine, almost glowing.
By the time I reach English class, I’m exhausted, a combination of worry and pain from only swimming for mere moments last night. I’m so caught up in thinking about last night I almost don’t register that the blue eyes staring at me are real. When it finally does click that the eyes staring at me aren’t a figment of my imagination, I yank backward so fast my chair lets out a wild screech on the tiled floor.
Erik smiles without looking away, a tiny lift of his lips. I blink and rip my gaze away from his. He steps away from the door to our classroom and makes his way back to his usual desk, glancing over at me once more, concern replacing his smile.
Just as he’s sitting down, I jerk out of my chair. My binder and English book fly off my desk and land with a loud smack on the tiled floor. “Uh, can I go to the restroom, please?” I ask, scrambling to pick up my book and binder.
Why is he acting so normal? He was at my lake last night. He knows what I am. And he’s just sitting at his desk like nothing is out of the ordinary.
Mrs.
Jensen raises an eyebrow at me and looks at the clock. “You couldn’t have gone between classes?”
I shake my head so fast I think my brain must smack around inside my skull.
“Very well,” she says, with a dismissive wave.
I rush past Erik and leave Sienna and Cole staring, bewildered, as I yank the door open and burst into the empty hall. The door swings with such force it bangs on the cinder wall and almost comes back to hit me. I dodge it and keep going.
I’m halfway down the hallway before I can breathe again.
A few weeks ago and my routine was just as steady as ever, and now I have a sort-of boyfriend, a reconciled best friend, and a mystery transfer student who saw me swimming in my secret lake.
I find a bathroom and duck inside, slamming the bolt shut. Then I sit on a toilet in one of the stalls and rest my forehead on my knees.
I stay there until the bell rings and I can go home.
To get my mind off the Erik situation, I text Cole.
What are you doing?
I sit, my toes tapping on the hardwood floor in the dining room. Gram is at the crafts night at the senior center, and the emptiness of the house is driving me crazy.
Nothing. Want to watch a movie at my house?
It’s all the invitation I need. I text back, Give me twenty minutes.
Then I dash into the bathroom to check my hair, which is silly because being a siren means flawless beauty, whether you want it or not. I run a comb through it anyway and then brush my teeth. When I’m done, I give one last glance in the mirror, and then flip off the lights and head to Cole’s house.
Fifteen minutes later, I find myself sitting on a leather couch in a theater room in his house, wondering why he took me out to see a movie when he has such an amazing setup right here. Cole is standing next to a cute little popcorn maker, filling up a little paper bag. Previews are rolling on-screen as he walks toward me, two Cokes tucked under his arm and a bag of popcorn in his hand.
He hands me the popcorn and a soda, then pulls the blanket off the back of the couch as he sits down. He covers our legs with it. The only light in the room is coming from the projector screen and a few dim sconces in the back of the cave-like space. I wish I could stay here forever, a secluded paradise, just Cole and me and no complications. No water.
Cole slides closer, until our sides are touching. I lean into him, warm and cozy beneath the blanket.
“You okay?”
I raise a brow and give him a pointed look. “You know, you ask me that at least once a day.”
He cringes. “That often, huh?”
“Yeah. What gives?”
He looks away for a minute, chewing on his lip. “I guess I feel guilty for not talking to you sooner.”
I tip my head at him. “Why did things change this year? Why now?”
He pops the top on his soda and takes a slow drink. Wiping his lips, he says, “I don’t know. I walked into English class that first day, and I saw you resting your head on your desk. Your eyes were closed and you looked so . . . serene. Of course, then you opened your eyes and snapped right at me—”
I grin and smack his arm. He smiles, but then he gets serious again, and I realize he wasn’t kidding.
“Look, you’re just a little intimidating is all.”
I snort. “You lie. You don’t get intimidated. Least of all by girls.”
“Anyone can see you have a wall bigger than the one in China. You’re just kind of ... unapproachable. It’s not like someone can catch your eye and smile if you’re constantly looking down at the ground. And it felt like to talk to you directly was to risk going down in flames.”
I blink. I guess I never realized just how effective I’ve been at keeping people at arm’s length.
He turns to look at me, and with how close we’re sitting, our noses are just inches apart. His voice lowers. “But I guess you’re worth the risk.” He leans in slowly, and I close my eyes.
This time, the kiss isn’t just a brush of his lips on mine; it’s more. His fingers find the back of my neck and he pulls me into him. His kiss deepens, and I stop breathing.
After a moment he pulls away, but immediately, I want him back. I take his face in my hands and pull him toward me, pressing my lips into his. I lean into the couch and pull him against me. It’s nothing like the sweet, innocent kisses of before. It’s raw and hungry, and I can’t get enough of it. I want this. I need this. Two years of being alone, and now the need to feel something burns out of control.
I nip at his bottom lip and pull him closer, closer than is possible, and kiss him harder, faster, longer, until my lungs burn. More than when I’ve been under water for fifteen minutes. My hands roam all over his back. My fingers find his hair and tangle in his curls. I want to forget everything. I want to just be with him, banish the loneliness.
He pulls back a little, breathless, his chest heaving. His wide eyes catch the flashes of light from the big screen. “Wow, I . . . I didn’t think . . . didn’t expect . . .” He pauses to gather his thoughts. “You spent so much time pushing me away, and now . . .” He stops again, struggles with what he wants to say as he picks up my hand and stares at our interlaced fingers.
“What?”
He worries his bottom lip and then looks me directly in the eyes. “I just really like you.”
Why does he look so confused? “And?”
He sighs and runs a hand through his dark curls, and they get a little more unruly. I struggle to keep my hands in my lap instead of reaching up to mess them up even more.
I love it when his hair is wild. He always gels it when he’s around other people.
As if hearing my thoughts, he speaks up. “You know how I’ve been with girls. How I was when Steven was around. But that’s not who I am anymore.” He pauses, runs his tongue over his teeth, deep in thought. “You’re not the only one who changed when he died.”
I look down, suddenly embarrassed by how desperate I must have looked, totally throwing myself at him like that. Cole wraps his arm around me.
He rests his lips against my temple. “You need to figure out what you really want from this—from us.”
I swallow, then find myself nodding, as if to agree, as if to say I want this—want to give him more than I already have.
Even though I know what we’re doing right now, in the dark theater, is the first step toward disaster, I don’t care anymore.
I just sink into him as he wraps his arms around me.
Chapter Nineteen
After I leave Cole’s house, I drive to the lake, and the anticipation is more like dread. Erik can’t be there in the tree line. He just can’t.
I shake my head and tighten my grip on the wheel. I was probably imagining it last time. My mind played tricks on me, imagining him there. It had been so dark.
It makes perfect sense.
Sort of.
I shut my car off and park it in its usual spot in the shadows of the big fir tree. But then I stall. I sit and stare out at the raindrops sliding down the windshield, and I wonder if I could possibly skip swimming tonight.
But I have to know if what I saw was real.
I slide out of the car and head toward my lake, walking slowly, letting my sneakers sink in the mud. The closer I get to my destination, the edgier I feel. When I step out into the clearing, the hairs on my arms stand on end, and I stop abruptly.
He’s standing next to my tree, darkly silent in the shadows. Right under the limb where I normally hang my clothes.
“I’m sorry,” he says, so much louder than the sounds of the surrounding forest. His tone is smooth as honey, a deep, beautiful baritone.
I stop several yards away from him, hoping the darkness is enough to conceal the fear shivering through me. “For what?”
He looks out at the lake for a long silent moment. Part of me wants to pick up and run. I can’t escape the feeling that he knows something, something I don’t want to know. That whatever he says next is going to change ev
erything.
Then, finally, he answers me. “For scaring you last night ... and then running. Until last night, I wasn’t totally sure you were what I thought you were, and so I had to follow you. Then when I saw you . . . I panicked.”
I take another step backward. He knew what I was ... before he saw me swimming?
He furrows his brow. “Are you actually afraid of me?” His head tips to the side, his blond hair sliding off his forehead.
I don’t answer. I just stare at him, willing my posture to relax, but I can’t seem to shake off my fears.
The concern melts into awe. “You really don’t know, do you?”
I fake anger, the one thing that’s gotten me through these last two years. “You have five seconds to tell me what you’re doing here or I leave.”
He twists away from the tree to face me fully. He leans his head to the side, a crease appearing between his brows. “I’m your match.”
I raise an eyebrow and try not to snort. “No, you’re just some guy who transferred to my school this year who likes to stalk people in the woods.”
He sighs and breaks eye contact. His voice lowers, cracks a little. A tremor of sadness wrenches through him. “All this time, I just sort of assumed you were looking for me, too. No wonder it was so hard to find you.”
It’s hard to fight the urge to step closer to him when he looks so vulnerable. He reminds me of me. But I didn’t manage thus far by being weak. “I don’t understand.” I cross my arms and hope it’s enough to muffle the thunderous sounds of my heart.
He takes one more step and when I look at him up close like this, I have to fight to stay where I am.
Erik’s eyes really do look like mine. Is this what he meant by match?
“I’m like you. I’m . . . drawn to the water,” he says.
All I can do is stare, until the silence and the questions spinning in my head are too much. How does he know what I am? I’ve never told anyone.
“You’re a siren?” I ask.
Erik laughs, a throaty masculine sound. “No, of course not. Sirens are women. I’m a nix.”
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