Ripple

by Mandy Hubbard

  The moon should be popping up by now, but the giant bank of clouds blocks it out. I need to swim soon, but I can’t bring myself to leave.

  An autumn storm rolls in, and lightning strikes over the ocean, illuminating the sky. Wind whips through my hair, and it streams out behind me, wild and unruly, a moving mass of waves. The cold bites through my blue sweater, but still I stand, and still I stare.

  The door to Cole’s room swings open. I consider moving, hiding, but I don’t. I watch him step onto the small deck attached to his room, staying close to the house where the overhang will protect him from the sudden onslaught of raindrops that fall all around me.

  One . . . Two . . .

  Lightning streaks across the blackened sky, and for one bright moment, I know Cole can see me.

  He reaches back and flips the porch light off, engulfing him in shadows as he steps forward into the downpour. His gray T-shirt darkens instantly.

  My sweater is soaked through as well, and even my sneakers are wet enough that I can feel the rain on my toes. It’s the sort of rain that soaks you through in seconds, turns your hair to dripping, tangled ropes. I should move. Run. Hide. But I stay rooted as he steps off the deck and into the dunes, as the wind continues to howl.

  He climbs over the small sandy hills and crosses the short expanse of reed grass. Before I can react, he’s standing right there in front of me, rain dripping from his hair. His T-shirt clings to the muscles on his shoulders and chest.

  “What the hell are you doing?” He has to shout to be heard.

  But he’s talking to me. Hope soars in my chest, only to fall at the look in his eyes.

  I shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t want this. I nearly killed him, and yet here I am anyway, as if once I tell him what I am—once he realizes it was me at the lake—he’s going to give me another chance. It’s impossible, but still I have to know.

  I just can’t stop myself from wanting to be with him. Maybe it’s fate, that he found my lake, went back again. I don’t know why he was there, but all that’s important is that he was.

  He’s the only thing that’s ever mattered. He’s the only person I’ve wanted to be close to ever since I knew the truth about myself.

  It’s him or no one.

  Lightning streaks again, but neither of us flinch. The lightning and thunder seem to be right on top of each other now, and yet we don’t move, don’t break our piercing stares.

  “Just answer me one thing!” he yells. The storm nearly swallows his words, ripping them away on the gust of wind. He steps closer and a bead of rainwater slides down the bridge of his nose, drips off. He’s standing so close it lands on the toe of my shoe.

  “Did you ever really care about me? At all?”

  My lip betrays me by trembling. I resist the urge to step back, retreat. Instead I nod as tears mix with the rain sliding down my cheeks. It’s hard to breathe. I just sniffle.

  The anger in his eyes melts, and he reaches out, as if to wipe away the tears. But at the last second, he seems to realize it’s futile. He cups my cheek instead.

  “Then why, Lexi? Why are you with him?”

  I open my mouth to say something, anything to keep him here with me, but a booming thunderclap rumbles, followed almost instantly by lightning.

  I make a decision right then and there. One that will finally tell me if this will ever truly work. I grab him by the T-shirt and pull him closer, shouting into his ear, “I can’t explain. But I can show you. Grab your iPod.”

  We sit in my car near the lake, shivering. He from the cold, and me . . . from fear.

  My mother played this game once. And it didn’t go well. She showed my dad who she was, and he only ran. It hurts now when I think of it. I never connected with her, never understood her, couldn’t see why she made the choices she did.

  But I get it now. Because the same blind hope surges through me. My head and my heart don’t agree. And I’m following my heart. I’m playing with fire, and I know if this all blows up, it’s going to be as bad for me as it was for her. But I can’t have Cole unless I tell him my secrets.

  Lying nearly got him killed. It got my mother’s boyfriend killed. Lying is a dangerous game.

  Maybe I won’t be able to have him even when he knows the truth about me either. But I have to try. I can’t live like this anymore, not without giving it a shot.

  He’s the only thing that makes me feel alive.

  “Are you ready?” I say, nearly in a whisper. The rain has quieted, leaves only tiny streaks on the windows. Cole is wearing a jacket now, but I haven’t bothered to change out of my damp sweater and jeans. My toes are wet inside my sneakers, chafing around the edges.

  He peers at me in the darkness. “I don’t understand why we’re here.”

  “You will. Come on.” I push my door open, and it lets out its usual squeak, only now it sounds like a death knell. It’s not too late to change my mind, pretend I brought him here just to see a lake that looks like a dozen others around here. But that won’t solve anything. That won’t give me Cole.

  The rain is little more than a light mist now, and the patchy clouds allow us to see where we’re going by the light of the moon. Funny, how quickly storms pass this close to the ocean.

  Cole trips on a root and knocks into me. He’s not used to these paths, can’t navigate his way in the darkness as well as I can. He must have brought a flashlight last night. When he trips again, I take his hand, savor the feeling of it in mine as I lead him by memory. The canopy of the forest blots out the remaining light.

  “Wait,” he says, pulling me to a stop. “I’ve been here before—”

  “I know,” I say, yanking him back to a walk. I have to get this over with before I change my mind.

  His hand is warm in mine, and it’s almost too much. I want to turn around and pin him to a tree and kiss him with everything I have. But instead, I force myself to keep walking, to ignore the humming of my veins.

  We emerge into the clearing, and the lake shines under the light of the moon.

  “I was just here. Two nights ago . . .” Cole says, a little in awe. “It was so strange, I—”

  “I know,” I say. “That’s what this is about. I saw you at this lake over a month ago. Why did you come?”

  “I come up here a lot. Not this lake, specifically, but the forest. Just to get away from things. I got turned around that night, ended up here when I should have been on my way home, but it was peaceful and I didn’t want to leave. If you were here, then why didn’t you—”

  “Because I didn’t want you to come back. But you did. You don’t understand—this is my lake.”

  He furrows his brow. “But it’s part of the park system. At least, I thought it was. One of my favorite trails is just a little further down the gravel road. But this lake is not on the maps.”

  “I know. That’s why it’s mine.”

  Cole looks like he’s going to say something, then stops himself, looking out at the lake again. I pull him over to the tree where I stood that night I watched him. I can feel it all as if it just happened: the bark digging into my nails, the fury boiling in my veins.

  Maybe if I’d known who he’d become to me, how much I’d come to love him, I could have avoided all of this. Instead, I am about to do the one thing I thought I would never do.

  Risk everything for a boy.

  I guess it’s just the way we are, us sirens. Craving love above all else. Unable to function once we find it. But I refuse to think that everything I have with Cole is as simple as that. He’s one of a kind. I need him. Want him.

  Love him.

  “Do you want to know what really happened with Steven?”

  He searches my eyes, and I just stare right back at him, no longer trying to hide all my secrets. Then he nods.

  I look down at the mud between our feet for a long second, taking in a deep breath. I have to do this. I have to. I nearly killed him by hiding the truth.

  The words I’d been trying so long to
keep inside rush out in one quick burst. “At around eleven that night, at the party, Steven invited me upstairs. I followed him out to the deck, but when I stepped out there, I could hardly hear his voice, because it was like the ocean was raging in my ears. I had this . . . inexplicable need to go swimming. So I asked him to go with me, down to the beach.”

  The expression on his face seems frozen, like it’s taking everything he has just to listen to me. The darkness all around us has created odd shadows, and I’m not sure I can see his expression quite right.

  I swallow. The story is only going to get worse. “We went down to the beach, and I felt this weird, excited giddiness. It was like an adrenalin rush, but a thousand times stronger. We stripped down and got in the water. Except as soon as I was in, I swam away from him. I . . . I started singing. And then the next thing I knew, everything was silent, and I couldn’t find Steven. I started swimming back to shore and then I . . . then . . . I found him. Floating face down.”

  Cole seems to be processing everything in slow motion, his bright hazel eyes turned dark under the waning light of the moon. “You can’t hold yourself responsible for that. He chose to get into the water at night. I read the police reports myself. It’s not your fault.”

  “But it is, Cole. It is.”

  He blinks and stops. Glances at the lake. Something shifts in his eyes. A flicker of fear?

  “I didn’t mean to kill him. I never wanted him to drown. And that’s the truth. I didn’t know what I was doing when I sang. I didn’t know what I was singing at all. But now I know what I am. Know why I wanted to go swimming. I lured him to his death. I’m a siren. It’s what I am.”

  At this, he doesn’t move. The moment stretches on and on and on. And then slowly, I see the wheels turning. “I was here a couple of nights ago. I remembering walking here, but then . . . it was like I blacked out. The next thing I knew, I was coughing up lungfuls of water, gasping for breath.”

  “That was me. I had to . . . drag you out of the lake and give you CPR.”

  “You saved me?”

  “Are you not listening? I drowned you!”

  The woods are heavy with silence tonight, no crickets or birds. I just told him everything, and he’s just standing there, not even blinking. I wish he’d scream or melt down or run away, because then I’d know what he’s thinking. His silence is enough to make me hope, and all hope ever does is hurt me.

  “I don’t understand. Why would he . . . why would I get in the water?”

  “It’ll be easier to show you.” I take in such a huge breath my chest visibly expands. This is it. “Did you bring your iPod?”

  He nods and fishes it out of the pocket of his baggy jeans, holding out the tiny red player in the palm of his hand.

  I stare at it. It’s my fallback plan. If he has those tiny earbuds in his ears, he won’t strain against the tree. Won’t try desperately to follow me into the lake.

  “Put the volume on as high as it goes. Something heavy. Rock or something.”

  He plays with the dial for a minute, and then music so loud and hard bursts from the headphones I can hear it from where I’m standing, at least four feet away. “Give me your belt.”

  He raises an eyebrow but does as I ask, sliding it out of the loops. I grip the leather in my hands as I lead him over to the big cedar tree behind us. “Do you trust me?” I ask, searching his dark expression. What if he runs, right now? What if he doesn’t even want to know what I’m about to show him?

  He nods, swallowing, his hazel eyes wide and genuine, totally unguarded. Even after everything that I’ve told him, everything that I’ve done, I can see that he really and truly trusts me, though God knows why.

  “Put the headphones in.”

  He pushes the earbuds into his ears, cringing a little at the volume. He goes to adjust it, but I put my hand on his, shaking my head. He leaves it alone and slips the iPod into the front pocket of his faded jeans.

  I take his hands and twist them behind his back. Then I loop his belt tightly around his wrists, over and over until he’s shackled to the tree, his arms behind his back. I come around to the front and look into his eyes. They’re searching mine for answers. He opens his mouth to speak, but then seems to realize he won’t hear my response with the iPod cranked like it is. With no other recourse, he just stands there, his lips parted, a questioning look in his eyes.

  This is the moment my life changes.

  For better or worse, I have to show him what I am. I want to close my eyes and make some kind of wish, but instead I lean forward and press my lips against his. It may be my last chance to kiss him, and I’m not going to waste it. He leans into me, straining against the pull of the belt. I cup his face in my hands and let the kiss linger for longer than it should.

  Then I tear myself away. I step back and unbutton my wet jeans, sliding them down my legs. His eyes glance downward and then flare wide. I don’t break eye contact as I slip my sweater over my head.

  “Lexi—” he starts, his voice louder than he realizes because the iPod is cranked so loud. His voice seems to echo into the quiet forest.

  I put a finger to my lips to silence him, hoping he can’t tell how nervous it makes me to know he’s watching me as I stand there, nearly naked, but knowing I have no choice. His eyes dart around, as if he expects to catch someone else watching us. Between the way I’m acting, the darkened sky, and the music blaring in his ears, he must be disoriented, thinking I’m totally crazy.

  And maybe I am. My bare feet grow cold against the muddy shore, but for a minute, I can’t seem to move away from the intense, confused expression on Cole’s face. I’ve tied him to a tree in the middle of a state forest and here I stand, half-naked.

  I step back until I feel the water lap at my toes. And then I stop.

  “Can you hear me?”

  Cole gives me a confused look. He can’t.

  Good.

  I turn away from him, then take a deep, not-quite-soothing breath and dive in.

  I stay under. For a long time. I swim in circles and try to get my hammering heart to slow down. I know that when I come up near the surface, the iridescent glint of my skin will be enough to tell him the truth.

  Besides, he has to see how long I can go without air.

  Finally, I burst up to the surface, forcing my jaw to clamp down. I need to make sure he still has the iPod on, so I turn to look at him. He’s still tied up, still has the earbuds in his ears. He’s staring at me, totally, completely still. He could be a statue.

  No . . . wait. Something’s not right with his expression. It’s not shock, or awe, or a thousand things I would expect to see at this point. It’s . . . alarm? Is he actually afraid of me? I hadn’t expected to see actual fear, real apprehension....

  My heart shreds. He’s genuinely terrified, by the stark look in his eyes—like I’m going to haul him out and kill him or something. Our eyes can’t seem to tear apart, and I just tread water as I take in the dark fear in his eyes.

  And then he moves.

  And I realize he’s not tied up anymore.

  Huh? The shadows shift and rearrange themselves. And then, the full picture seems to focus. It’s Erik who takes a step away from the tree. The moonlight falls across his face, casting a weird, grim darkness over his eyes. He gives me a twisted smile, one that sends a chill racing down my spine. He takes another step, toward Cole, toward me.

  Fear ripples through me again. Down my spine, settling low in my stomach. There’s victory in Erik’s look. Like he’s won. What is he doing?

  And then it gets worse. Sienna steps out from behind another tree, one hand gripping the bark like it’s the only thing steadying her.

  Pajamas. Somehow that’s the first thing I pick up on. She’s wearing flannel pants and a dark gray CCH T-shirt, probably something she borrowed from Patrick. I seem to be stuck on the pajamas, staring at them as if they’re the most important part of this puzzle. Did Erik go to her house, yank her out of bed, and bring her here?r />
  Panic swells again. How much has she seen? I try to read her expression, and I realize: enough. She’s seen enough. I bite hard on the edge of my lip. Hard enough to draw blood.

  Why would Erik do this? Why would he ruin everything in one fell swoop?

  I throw myself forward, until my bare feet find muddy bank and I climb out of the water. The lake water drips down my hair, slides down my skin. I take a few hurried steps, embarrassed to have an audience when I’m nearly naked. I instinctively go to grab my clothes, but they’re missing. Stolen.

  I start to step backward, hide my body in the water, but it makes my skin crawl. I don’t want to see the iridescent scales on my legs either. I’m not sure what Erik wants, only that he controls the situation. Does he want me in the water, or does he want me out?

  And why did he bring Sienna here? To destroy my life completely? Is he panicking because I pushed him away?

  I take a few more steps, so that I’m fully on the shore. I should be embarrassed, demand some clothes, but I’m too angry. How could Erik do this? Is he that desperate to separate me from everyone else? Does he think if he isolates me somehow, he’ll win?

  “What do you think you’re doing?” My voice was supposed to be angry, demanding, but it comes out pathetic and shaky.

  “Ensuring I get what I deserve.” He’s standing there as if he owns the lake, his shoulders squared, his smirk cocky.

  He looks nothing like the guy I’ve spent the last few weeks with. Nothing like him.

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “It means I worked very hard to make this all happen, and I’m not going to let you simply throw it away.”

  “What are you?” Sienna bounds forward. Her pink slippers sink into the mud as her hair floats out around her in the breeze left over from the storm. She’s inches from me. Her hands ball up and release, flex again, and I brace myself for the punch to the nose I’m sure is coming.

  But it doesn’t. I blink. Sienna seems to be in shock, not sure what to say to me or why she’s saying it. Just that she doesn’t understand any of this.

  “Did you drive here?” I ask.

  She blinks.