by Carrie Elks
He was cool. Sophisticated. The city to her country. And she couldn’t help but feel like he was sacrificing so much more than she was.
She sighed heavily. Logan’s eyes flickered open and his gaze fell on her. “Hey,” he said, his voice sleepy as he spoke. “What time is it?”
“Almost seven.”
He stretched his arms over his head, the action making the sheets fall to his waist. And yeah, she might have ogled a bit.
Or a lot.
“Can’t you sleep?”
“I’m usually starting work by now. Or at least feeding the chickens.”
“Do you think they know you’re not there?” He was a little more awake now, though his voice was still thick.
“Yep. I’ll pay for it tomorrow. Hester doesn’t like change. Luckily, she has a soft spot for Ellis. That’ll soothe the sting.”
“Do you think they’ll let you leave them again soon?” he asked.
“Why?” She gave him a curious smile. “I wasn’t planning on going anywhere for a while.”
“I was hoping you could come to the opening night of the restaurant. As my plus one.” He turned on his side, his face a breath away from hers. “I know it’s asking a lot, but I really want you here.” His lip quirked. “It’s my last big thing in Boston, I guess. Gray’s hired a private jet to fly them all here. I could ask him to save you a seat.”
Her chest tightened. She’d felt so out of place at the tasting yesterday. But he really wasn’t asking a lot. Not compared to what he was giving up. “Yeah,” she told him, nodding. “Let me check with Ellis, make sure that he can cover me again.”
“Have you thought about how you’re gonna juggle working at the farm once the baby arrives?” he asked her.
“I don’t know? Have you thought about how you’re going to juggle the baby with whatever plans you have?” She gave him an arched smile.
“Touché.” He grinned. “I guess we can work that out together.” He reached for her, sliding his finger along her cheekbone. “Doesn’t stop me from feeling a little jealous though,” he admitted.
“About Ellis? I promise I’m not sleeping with my ex-father-in-law.”
He laughed. “No. About Shaun. It’s hard knowing you’ll be working at the farm where you lived with him for all those years.”
“It’s my job,” she told him softly.
“I know.”
“And I don’t know what kind of impression you have of me and Shaun, but it wasn’t exactly marital bliss.”
He blinked as though it was new information. Granted, it probably was. She’d never shared much about her marriage with anybody. Not even Lainey. After Shaun died, it hurt way too much.
But Logan had put himself out there for her. He was giving everything up. She couldn’t let him believe the veneer she showed everybody else.
“I asked him for a divorce the night he died,” she admitted. “I don’t know if I would have gone through with it. And I never will now. But things were so bad between us. I wasn’t sure I could take much more.”
“Bad in what way?”
“He used to drink. A lot.” She breathed in sharply, memories assailing her. “He’d say awful things when he was drunk. Things that really hurt.”
Logan frowned. “Did he ever hit you?”
She pulled her lip between her teeth. “Only once. He promised not to do it again and he didn’t. But the words…” She blew out a mouthful of air. “They were painful enough.”
“Court… damn.”
“I know.” She inhaled sharply. “The night he died we had a huge argument. He kept telling me we should have a baby. Make it all better. And I told him I’d never have kids with him. It made him so angry. He stalked to the bathroom, found my birth control pills, and flushed them all down the toilet. Then he tried to kiss me.” She grimaced. “And I told him it was over. That I wanted a divorce.”
“What did he do?”
“Threw things around. Ranted. Then he called his brother and left a message for them to meet at a bar.”
“Carl?”
“Yeah, that’s right. But he never made it to the bar. They say it was an accident. That he was tired and fell asleep. And that’s why he drove into the oncoming traffic.” She swallowed hard. “But part of me never believed that.”
“You think he killed himself?”
“I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “But what I do know is it’s my fault. If we hadn’t argued, he wouldn’t have left that night, and he’d still be alive.” Her breath caught in her throat. For so long she’d been afraid to admit it, to herself more than anybody else. It was her fault that Ellis and Mary had lost a son. That they had to manage the farm without his strong hands to help.
There was no way she’d ever leave them to manage the farm for themselves. Not when she was the one who’d caused all the problems.
“He was a drunk. You said it yourself. Him dying wasn’t your fault. The same way it wouldn’t have been your fault if he’d been run over by a bus. He was a grown man. Made his own decisions. Ones that were nothing to do with you and everything to do with addiction.”
“The end result is the same.” She smiled wanly. “They lost a son.”
Logan reached for her, pulling her close to him, his face against her curls. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry he hurt you. And I’m sorry you’re still hurting. But you’re not alone.”
A sob escaped from her throat. The gentleness of his tone, his touch, made her want to bury herself in him. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?”
“For not judging me.”
“I’d never judge you. I’m not a judgey kind of guy.” He slid his arms around her, pressing his lips against her hair. “I can’t believe you’ve beat yourself up for so long about this. Did you ever talk to anybody about it?”
“I went to grief counseling,” she told him. “But I felt like a fraud. It was one of those group things. Everybody else was so devastated at their loss. And though I was too, I also felt so damn guilty. I kept thinking that if they really knew about me, about our arguments, that they’d blame me for his death.” The same way she blamed herself.
“It’s not your fault,” he said again. “People die. I watched my mom leave us and it almost killed me, but I knew it wasn’t my fault.”
She gave a soft nod. “I was the same with my mom. It was awful and overwhelming, but I didn’t feel any guilt. Not like with Shaun.”
“There’s every chance that if he hadn’t died that night, he would have drunk himself to death.” Logan stroked her hair. “And that wouldn’t have been your fault either.”
She knew he was speaking the truth, yet somehow it still didn’t soothe her the way she’d hoped it would. Shaun had wanted what she couldn’t give. One way or another that had led to his death.
“Maybe I’m just really bad at marriage,” she muttered.
He chuckled. “Hey, you’re talking to the biggest relationship loser, remember? You can’t be as bad as me.”
She glanced up at him, cupping her belly with her palm. “This poor kid really lucked out.”
Logan moved his head down, his hazel eyes intent as he brushed his lips against hers. “Our kid really has lucked out having you as a mom. I can’t think of anybody who’ll make a better one.”
She gave him a half smile. “How do you always know the right things to say?”
“I don’t. I wish I did. Most of the time I open my mouth and crap comes spilling out.”
She lifted her hand to cup his cheek. “That’s not true. You’re really insightful. I like that about you. That’s why you’re so good at your job. You anticipate peoples’ needs before they even know what they need.”
His eyes flashed with warmth. “Thank you.”
“And I’m proud of you,” she whispered. “For all your achievements.” She pulled her lip between her teeth. “I’m so glad that Hester ran out in front of your car that day.”
“Not as glad a
s I am. From the moment that damn hen walked out into the road and stared me down, that was it. It felt like being at the movies and putting 3D glasses on. I went from being a spectator to being part of something real. I’ve never felt that before.” He took her hand, placing it on his chest above where his heart was beating. “You brought me back to life.”
The vehemence in his eyes took her breath away. Her eyes stung at his beautiful words. “We have a lot to thank Harriet and Hester for,” she said softly. “If it hadn’t been for them we might not have met.”
The corner of his lip lifted. “I think they knew you were ready for me.” There was no teasing in his voice. “They just waited for me to drive along before they flew into the road to stop me.”
“What if you hadn’t stopped?” She bit down a smile. He was looking so serious.
“Then I guess they would’ve known what kind of man I was.”
This time she couldn’t help but grin. There were so many parts of Logan Hartson she was beginning to see. Not just the suave, sophisticated businessman, or the sensual lover who knew all the right places to make her breath catch. There was a softness to him, too. A gentleness she suspected nobody else knew about. And it touched her deep inside.
“I’m glad you stopped,” she said, her voice thick. “I’m even glad that Hester scratched your arm so I had to take you to the cottage. I probably owe her a gilded coop or something.”
“She can be our maid of honor.”
Courtney laughed out loud at the image of Hester in a pink bridesmaid’s dress, her beady eyes on Logan as she walked up the aisle. “I thought we’d talked about that,” she said, her eyes meeting his.
“We have. And I know you’re not ready to get married now. But I also hope you will be one day. I’m going to keep asking in case you are.”
She nodded, her heart too full to say anything. He leaned forward, brushing his lips against hers.
“I’m falling for you,” he murmured against her mouth, his hands sliding down her back. “So damn hard it hurts.”
Her breath caught in her throat. She was falling for him, too. In fact, she’d already fallen. But it didn’t hurt, it felt amazing. Like landing on a cloud. “I feel the same,” she whispered against his lips.
“Thank god.” He slid his palm down to her behind. “Because I don’t think I can live without you.”
She pressed her body against his, feeling every hard line. “You don’t have to.” And wasn’t that the best thing? She’d spent so long believing that she was alone in this world. That her chance at a relationship was long gone. But now, in his arms, she knew better. He moved his lips along her jaw, down her neck, his hands caressing her as he pulled her closer, and all those fears and thoughts rushed out of her, replaced by a pulsing need.
It would be okay. It had to be. Because she couldn’t give this up. She was addicted to Logan Hartson, and from the way he was worshipping her body with his lips, she knew he felt exactly the same way.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Courtney parked her truck outside Ellis and Mary’s house, shivering as she opened the driver’s door. The temperature had dipped again, and today it was ten below zero, even though the afternoon sun could be glimpsed between the low gray clouds.
This weather was good for the soil, at least, even if everything else was suffering. They needed the cold morning frosts to break down the clumps that had been plowed up after the harvest, readying the ground for this year’s sowing.
“Hey.” Ellis lifted a hand in greeting as he walked out of the barn on the other side of the yard. “Was everything all right on the pasture?”
Courtney rubbed her hands together to keep off the chill. “Yeah, I only had to fix one of the fences. But the animals are fine. I’ll bring them in at five, so they avoid the worst of the cold.” She wiggled her fingers, trying to move the blood through them. The tips of her fingers were turning white. “You doing okay?”
Ellis nodded. “Just servicing the tractor. Thought I’d take advantage of a bit of spare time. How was Boston?”
“Colder than this, if you can imagine.” She gave him a soft smile. It felt weird, talking to her deceased husband’s father about her trip to see Logan. “I was thinking about heading back up there in a couple of weeks,” she told him. “The restaurant’s opening night is coming up, and I got an invite.” She shifted her feet in an attempt to keep her muscles warm. “But only if you think you can cover me.”
“Why don’t we go inside the house and grab some coffee,” Ellis suggested. “Mary can get the planner out. Oh, and your restaurant friends, Ellie and Dan, have asked if they can up their egg order. I’m toying with getting us a few more hens.”
Courtney smiled. Something else to thank Logan for. “Great. Why don’t I do some investigating? Maybe even talk to them about the different type of hens we could get? There are some Marans I like the look of.”
“That sounds good to me,” Ellis said, shuffling toward the house. She walked next to him, trying not to notice the way each step he took looked like it was an effort. He seemed to feel the cold so much more nowadays. It was like it froze all his joints and made walking painful.
The fire was roaring when they walked inside the house. Mary looked up from the kitchen table where she was sewing, a big smile on her face. “Look at you two,” she said, pushing herself to standing. “All bright eyes and rosy cheeks. Sit down and I’ll pour you some coffee.” She inclined her head at the pot. “And I have a cake cooling on the rack.” She pointed at a hearty-looking apple cake. “You want some?”
Courtney smiled. “Yes please.” It was funny how she never turned down cake anymore. She had the baby to thank for that. “Can I help with the coffee?”
Mary frowned, and shook her head. “Oh no, you sit there. This is my domain.” She switched on the coffee pot and pulled out three chipped mugs. “How was Boston?”
“I’ve already asked her that,” Ellis told his wife, giving her a wink. “She said it was good.”
“And did you ask her anything else? Like whether the flight made her feel sick, or if the restaurant was beautiful?” Mary’s eyes met Courtney’s. They were full of humor, as though she was enjoying teasing her husband. “And how is Logan? Did I tell you I saw his aunt at church on Sunday?”
“You haven’t seen her to tell her, you silly old woman,” Ellis muttered. Mary slapped the back of his neck lightly, and he grabbed her hand, pulling her down to kiss her lips.
They had the ease of a couple who’d grown up together. Dating at sixteen, married at eighteen, their first child in their early twenties. They’d been known to complete each others’ sentences on more than one occasion.
“There was something else that I wanted to talk to you about,” Courtney said, when Mary had placed the coffees in front of them, and was slicing up the cake. “I’ve been thinking about selling the cottage and finding somewhere a little bigger.” She took a deep breath, not wanting to hurt them at all. “Logan and I were thinking of buying somewhere together for once the baby’s born.”
Mary looked up, putting the knife down. “I thought you might,” she said. “And that’s a good thing. Babies should be with both parents. Will you be moving to Boston, or a little closer?”
“Oh no, it’ll be close to here. I’ll still come here and work every day,” Courtney told her, taking a sip of the bitter coffee. “You don’t have to worry about that.”
Mary and Ellis exchanged a glance. “We weren’t sure you’d want to continue after the baby comes. You’re going to have a lot of things to juggle then.” Mary looked back at Courtney. “Please don’t feel like you need to do that on our account. I’ve taken a look at the numbers, if we scrimp on a few things we can afford to pay for extra help.”
They couldn’t. Not for more than the few weeks to cover her maternity leave. Courtney knew that from looking at the accounts herself. “No,” she said quickly. “There’s no need for that. Though we might need to hire a temporary worker for a few weeks
after I’ve had the baby, I’m planning to be back and working after that. I’ll bring the baby with me, or look for some childcare.”
“You’d be more than welcome to leave the baby here,” Mary told her. “We still have Carl and Shaun’s old crib somewhere. And it would be easy to stop in and feed him or her if you needed to.” Mary smiled at her warmly. “And I know I’d enjoy having a little baby around.”
“You’d do that?” Courtney felt her throat tighten.
“Of course. It’s important that you trust whoever looks after your little one. And this way you’ll be able to pop in all the time. We can even decorate the spare bedroom if you want. Make it feel all homey and nice.”
Another reminder of what good people Mary and Ellis were. Embracing the baby that had no blood tie to them. This was why she’d always do whatever she could for them. Why she’d work for them while taking as little pay as she could get away with.
“That sounds wonderful.” She gave them a warm smile. “Thank you.”
Courtney switched off the television and stood, rolling her shoulders to loosen the tightness in her muscles from two hours of sleeping on the sofa when she should have been in bed. It had been almost a week since she’d been in Boston. A week of late night phone calls from Logan, when he called during stolen moments in his car, or while visiting one of his restaurants. Yesterday he’d called her early in the morning, just after six, his voice low and warm. She’d fed the chickens with a smile on her face that morning. One that only he could put on her lips.
Crazy how much she was already missing him.
At nearly sixteen weeks pregnant, and it wasn’t only her stomach that was growing bigger. Her heart felt swollen, too, whenever she thought of Logan. But she felt good. Really good. Enough for Lainey to ask her the other day if she’d been seeing another beautician.
“No.” Courtney had grinned at her friend. “You know I love you, baby. I’d never cheat on you.”
