How could she possibly continue seeing himas a patient when their relationship had become so… personal?
She wasn’t even sure that was the right word, but it was the first that came to mind.
The only thing she could think to do for now was pretend; pretend like he was just any other patient coming into her office, seeking help.
After taking a long, deep breath, Vanessa spoke.“So… it’s Wednesday,” she started.“How’s your week been so far?”
The question might’ve seemed silly to most, seeing as how the two had gotten somewhat closer. However, Vanessa really had no idea what the last few days were like for Zander because there had been no communication between them whatsoever—a very deliberate tactic of her own doing. Before ending their date, Zander locked his number into her cell, but something stopped her from doing the same. It may have been that the idea of giving a man unlimited access to her so soon after her divorce being final made her uneasy. Disclosing her numberwould’ve also made the every-now-and-again meetups with Zander feel more substantial.
More real.
And she had so many reasons not to want that.
For one, she wrestled daily with the fact that she had now positioned herself to serve two very conflicting purposes in his life. Was it really possible to treat his condition while also feeding into the problem?
Uncomfortable with the silent question now lingering in her mind, she cleared her throat, waiting for him to answer.
She was nervous. Zander thought he picked up on that the moment he walked into the room, but now, seeing her fidget and shift in her seat, he knew for sure.Had giving in to him really unnerved her this much? She had to know their dealings outside this office would stay between them. He’d do his best to behave.
Although, it wouldn’t be easy by any stretch of the word.
“My week hasbeen wonderful,” he answered with a grin, playing along, doing what he could not to spook her even more.“And yours?”
“Fine. It’s been fine,” she answered.
A warm smile passed his way and, focusing on her full lips, he licked his own. A stray memory filled his thoughts and he could practically feel her creaming in his lap again, smelled the intoxicating aroma of her femininity as she gushed all over his cock that night.
Somehow, he held his composure as Vanessa studied her notes.
“Well, it looks like we left off with… I umm…”
Zander’s head cocked to the side when the sentence his doctor uttered trailed off midway through. Another deep breath puffed from her mouth and then she gripped the frame of her glasses, pulling them away from her face before setting them aside.
Brown eyes met Zander’s and he saw the frustration behind them. The very next second,words tumbled out.“It seems as if I… I don’t know where to start exactly.”
‘Well, that was unexpected,’ he thought to himself. Since the beginning, Vanessa had always been prepared, ready with a stream of questions to unleash. Never once had she been at a loss for words.
“I beg your pardon?” he asked, still not believing she couldn’t get her thoughts together.
Embarrassment washed over her the next instant. That’s what it looked like to Zander, anyway, as Vanessa lowered her head and scoured her notebook. She had to have notes. Detailed notes. He was sure of it. As much as he watched her scribble on those pages during their sessions, it was a wonder to him she hadn’t published a book about it all yet.
Without her noticing, he leaned up a bit, stealing a glance at her pages. At her full pages. There were definitely notes there. Just like he knew there had to be. So why wasn’t she using them? Why wasn’t she asking questions based on things they’d discussed previously?
Zander watched Vanessa thumb through it all, watched her bypass line after line of her thoughts and analyses from before, and it dawned on him. The issue wasn’t that Vanessa didn’t know where to start; she didn’t know where to start because it was him.
In the beginning, what made her most resistant was the invisible line that had to exist between patient and doctor, a line mostconsidered unethical to cross. While, yes, Zander was well aware of it, he’d never felt it applied to him.
Not in this case.
Not with her.
Was he in fact Vanessa’s patient? Yes, but he was different. He knew that. She knew that. He had issues just like the next person, but his being here in her office was, to him, in a professional capacity. He viewed his sessions with her as more of a mentoring arrangement than council. He and Vanessa were equals. He’d simply sought the help of a peer to get him over a hurdle that was beginning to affect him a little too deeply. Because of this, he didn’t feel guilty for pursuing her.
However, he knew she didn’t share in this theory.Zander was sure of it. Her moral compass was most certainly tuned more finely than his own. That meant, if he had to guess, she was currently thinking she couldn’t manage both sides of the coin. If he had to guess, she was currently thinking she had to choose. Or worse… she may have been thinking of severing ties completely.
Not willing to risk losing her in either capacity, Zander did what he does best—turned on the charm.
Resting his back against the sofa’s cushion, he quirked a smile.“Why not just start wherever you would with any other patient,” he suggested.
While that seemed simple enough, Vanessa certainly disagreed.“For starters,” she said, meeting Zander’s gaze.“You and I both know that’s not true. You’re not just any other patient.”
Hearing her acknowledge this brought a thrill to the center of his chest. It took everything in him to suppress the devious smirk just beneath the surface.
“Today, let’s pretend I am,” he countered.“Take another look at your notes. Whatever you would ask a patient based on what you have there, wherever you think we should begin… just go with it,” he concluded, hoping she felt more comfortable.
The way he saw it, if anyone should be nervous, it was him. He was sure she didn’t know this, but, with her lately, he’d been more open than with anyone else.
Ever.
There was no telling what she could convince him to share about himself. At the thought of it, Zander shifted in his seat, straightening the black tie that hung down the center of his chest.
Vanessa sucked in air, filling her lungs to the max as she flipped back to her first page. Blue ink spelled out in plain English where this conversation was supposed to begin, but she was having the hardest time formulating the question before her. He made it sound so simple that she should handle him the same way she handled every other case that crossed her desk, but this was anything but simple.
Among the many reservations she currently felt, she was concerned Zander would think her more pointed questions were being asked in an attempt to pry as opposed to her genuinely wanting to help him. She also feared she might not want the answers to some of the questions. Never once did she even consider Zander would lie his way out of them. She’d learned her lesson on that after accusing him of taking advantage of Roxy.
He wanted her to forget all the lines they crossed, though. Wanted her to blindly ask her questions and handle him as a professional, so… that’s what she’d try to do.
“What have your sexual behaviors been since our last session?” she forced out.“Your frame of mind before and after.How many partners?”
It felt like the wind had been knocked out of her after asking. Her eyes wouldn’t even go to him, so she kept them trained on her paper.
‘That’s more like it,’ he thought to himself, draping his arms across the back of the couch right after.
Zander answered Vanessa’s questions in order.“My frame of mind before the act: my head’s been clearer than usual,” he admitted, because it had been. Before, there was an almost constant haze clouding his thoughts, his judgment, but that wasn’t so much the case lately.“And as far as partners go,” he went on, unknowingly making Vanessa’s heart pound inside her chest as she waited for his
answer,“there’s only been one.”
She looked up now, for a moment unsure she should even believe him. But his eyes were set on her in such a way she dismissed the sliver of doubt right away.
There had only been one.
She decided to move on instead of exploring Zander’s admission further.
“And you mentioned a few weeks ago that you’ve been masturbating more often than usual. Has that still been the case?”
Most men would’ve been ashamed to share such intimate details, but not Zander.“Every day,” he shared. “Sometimestwice a day.”
Unable to help herself, Vanessa envisioned him in the throes of a heated moment—alone in bed, stark naked as he lie on top of a white sheet, moving his hand in quick, jerking motions up and down his cock as he neared orgasm.
Eventually, hereyes went back to her notes, but Zander wasn’t fooled. For the brief moment she checked out, without having to say where her thoughts drifted off to, Zander knew exactly what was on her mind. She was thinking of him, imagining him pleasuring himself.
Without hesitation, his hand went to the zipper of his dress slacks. Always aiming to please, he was more than willing to play that fantasy out for Vanessa right there in her office. It’d be nothing to pull out his cock and let her watch him come, but then he stopped himself. He stopped because a small, nagging voice in the back of his head told him this wasn’t what she needed from him right now. It reminded him of how difficult it seemed to be for her to keep the two sides of their relationship separate. With Vanessa’s attention still averted, he raised his zipper the few inches he’d tugged it down before coming to his senses.
Maybe some other time.
Vanessa lifted her eyes and compared these answers to the ones Zander had given in earlier sessions.
“Before, you seemed to resort to masturbation out of convenience. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but… you seem to be defaulting toward it, choosing it over actual intercourse.”
She would’ve asked any other patient to explain the change in behavior, so she asked Zander, too.
‘Nothing gets past her,’ he thought to himself, smiling a bit.
“…You’re correct,” he confirmed, although he did hesitate some.
Vanessa made a note before asking,“Any idea why that is? Maybe a change in your work schedule? Have you been feeling more tired than usual? Anything you can think of?”
Oh, he could come up with plenty of excuses, but none of them would be true. Nor would any of them expose him as much as the answer he was about to offer.
“I haven’t found myself… interested… in many women lately.”
Vanessalooked up, her eyes once again shielded by the slight glare of her glasses.“I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”
Damn her… she was going to make him spell it out.
Zander let out a sigh and propped his ankle on his knee when he sank deeper into the couch.“Over the past several weeks, I’ve found myself being… more selective about who I interact with. Less open.”
Vanessa sucked in a breath, but tried to be inconspicuous about it.“By choice?” she asked.
Feeling more and more like a caged rat, Zander’s face became void of expression as he felt the familiar flow of their sessions together returning. There was always this intense urge inside him to resist letting her in, while she became hyper-focused on digging deeper.
“No,” he answered.“Definitely not by choice.”
And that was the truth. If he’d been able to spread his desires out more evenly across the board, if he’d been able to scroll down that call log to some of the women who frequented his bed, he would have.
Never in his life had he been a one-woman man. In fact, the idea of being so restricted sickened him a little. Yet… there was only one lately who held his attention. Even the few active attempts he’d made at being with others failed. He, the man who prided himself on being ready for a spur-of-the-moment roll in the sack, couldn’t seem to get in the mood when the time came.
Except with her.
Always with her.
Vanessa saw clear signs of frustration on Zander’s face and it made her curious as to what brought that on.
“If it’s not by choice, then what is it?” she asked.
He stared out the window with an answer ready and waiting to be spoken. He knew why, but didn’t really want to share his reasons. What it boiled down to?
Vanessa.
In his eyes, she’d broken him somehow; made it where his body only worked for her. No one else. She poisoned him with this unyielding desire that he now believed only she could quench.
“Zander…?”
His eyes found hers and, instead of lying to her, instead of saying he wasn’t sure what the problem was, he chose to avoid the question altogether with a passive,“Sometimes things just happen.”
She stared, knowing there was more, but admittedly having no clue what he was holding back. However, as stubborn as he was, she knew there was no point in pressing.
“Ok, then. What about work? You mentioned that you were finding it hard to focus. Has that changed at all?”
He gave her question some thought, tilting his head as he stared at the outline of a lace bra beneath her blouse.
“It kind of goes hand in hand with the cloudiness lifting. I’m sharper in general,” he answered.
For some reason, she felt that. Maybe it was the lack of sexual innuendos he’d made today; the absence of snarky comments and clever comebacks. Today’s Zander was… unveiled. There was no mask. Just him. Open. Honest. Raw. Yes, there was still a certain sense of his predatory nature, but it was bridled somewhat. As if Zander was now more in control of it, instead of it controlling him.
“Well… it seems like you’re making quite a bit of progress,” she said, releasing a breath.“I’m sure each week will have its own challenges, but just take things one day at a time. In my eyes, you’ve made quite notable strides.”
She smiled sweetly and Zander ate it up—the smile, the compliments, that look in her eyes. He could tell she liked this side of him better. He was tamer, less unpredictable. He felt it, too.
“So… if I’m all better,” he began, dragging his eyes up the length of her legs until they disappeared beneath the hem of her skirt,“What ever will we do with the rest of our time?”
There was no mistaking the question and Vanessa felt heat flash across her face at Zander’s suggestion.
“Actually, we do still have a few things to discuss before we end this,” she started, dismissing the idea of giving in to her flesh like Zander wanted.“Your family. You shut me down every time I bring them up. Aside from your brother, I know nothing about your past. Why is that?”
‘This woman with her questions… she could ruin a wet dream if she tried hard enough,’ he thought to himself. For some reason, she just couldn’t let his past stay the past. He understood her wanting the whole picture, but… there were just some things he didn’t like to dwell on. Certain memories he didn’t like to revisit.
Almost his entire childhood was one of those things.
“Vanessa, love… please,” he said, feeling tension spreading across his brow.
She saw it, the wall she was so used to him casting up when they shifted to this.“Zander… it’s hard for me to really delve into your treatment if I don’t—”
“I understand,” he interjected.“It’s just that I’d rather not do this. Not today.”
‘Maybe not ever’, he added silently.
She couldn’t force him to speak, couldn’t force him to share things he didn’t want to share, but she now, more than ever, believed his past held an important key to his present state.
Lowering her pen, Vanessa looked Zander square in the eyes, wanting to clear something up.
“Off the record… you know I’m only asking about this because I want to help, don’t you? I’m not digging for any reason other than that.” She paused and assessed him, hoping he knew this to be true.“All I’ve
ever wanted, aside from… anything else,” she added, inadvertently touching on their newly established physical dealings,“I’ve only wanted to help you.”
Even without her stopping to address it, Zander never thought her intentions were anything but honorable. Still, it was nice that she thought enough of him to make sure he understood.
Guilt set in. If there wasanyone in the world he’d ever tell all his secrets to, it would be her. But… there were some things he planned to take to his grave.
“I—”
“We don’t have to discuss it today,” Vanessa cut in, adding,“But, eventually? We do have to face it.”
Chapter Thirteen
“And then the man said you can cut a worm up into like… a million pieces and it won’t die!” Ryan explained excitedly to Simon as Vanessa locked the garage door behind her.
Simon laughed. “You sure you’re not exaggerating? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that cutting a worm into a million pieces would surely kill it.”
“Nuh uh! The man at the assembly said!” Ryan insisted.
It took what little energy she had left to stomach this. Reminding herself that this was all for Ryan only helped a little. This was the one and only thing he requested for his birthday and, with this being his first since their family fell apart, it was important to Vanessa that it didn’t also go down in history as being his worst.
Still, as she watched Simon move about the kitchen taking out plates and cups as if he still lived there… it made her skin crawl.
He caught Vanessa watching him and passed a nervous smile her way. With the last glass in his hand, he realized he’d overstepped his bounds.
“I uh… I ordered the pizza on our way over,” he explained. “Ryan said that was what he wanted for dinner, so… I thought I’d just get us set up before it arrives.”
Vanessa’s cheeks hurt from the smile she forced. All she could offer in response was a stiff nod. After that, she had to put some space between she and her ex.
Overdose: A British Bad Boy Romance Page 18
