She hadn’t said more than two words aloud to him since he called himself confronting her in her office a few days prior. Even the final arrangements for tonight were made through text messages. She really had nothing to say to the man. He was always in her business, always in her house, and she was sick of it. Sick of the never ending access Simon had to her entire life. Hence the reason, she reached out to Dr. Keiser a couple afternoons ago to see if what Zander said was true. Low and behold, Keiser did have extra space in his practice for someone with her background. There were still some things to discuss, but Vanessa was hopeful.
Very hopeful.
In the privacy of her bedroom, she slipped out of her skirt and stockings. The day had been a long one and now she couldn’t even relax like she wanted to. Not really. Not with Simon in the house. She’d gotten used to her quiet evenings with no one but Ryan and now that equation was off by one.
The pillow-top mattress called out to her a little too loudly and she crossed the room to lie down on it, only dressed in undergarments and the expensive blouse she’d worn to the office. Phone in hand, her fingers aimlessly scrolled down her call log and then, somehow, she ended up in her contacts, at the very bottom of the alphabetical list… Zander.
It’d been days since his session and her thoughts had admittedly been on him more than she liked. They hadn’t spoken because she hadn’t given in and dialed him, but… it hadn’t been easy.
‘But why do I want to call?’ she asked herself.
Zander was all the things she hated in a man—abrasive, arrogant, unpredictable. Yet and still, the urge to reach out to him was strong. Part of the lure was that having his attention was addictive. Someone as intense as him, focusing all of that energy on one person. Yes, she craved it strong—the way he looked at her, the way he touched her, made her feel as if he owned her body despite her never willingly giving him ownership.
His last session had been eye-opening. He admitted so many things that had her head spinning. For starters, she was the only one he’d been with that week, maybe longer. And when they weren’t together, he chose to masturbate instead of seeking out a companion.
That meant something.
Vanessa wasn’t sure what it meant exactly, but it was worth making a note of.
She’d had such a hard time delving in during Zander’s last appointment. The conflict was multi-faceted and she could hardly even decide where to begin. Had it not been for him assuring her it was okay to handle him like he was any other case, she might not have ever found her focus. He made her feel comfortable, though—something she didn’t even think possible when she first met him, but now… things between them were changing so fast. Faster than she liked, actually. This uneasy feeling was precisely the reason she’d spent the last couple days trying to figure out how to tell Zander they had to end this completely—her seeing him as a patient, her seeing him for other things.
There was so much more for her to help him unearth about his condition, but, when they crossed the line, she felt she’d ruined her chances to be effective. He, no doubt, saw her differently now. Every question she asked, every assumption she made, would now be skewed because of what they’d done. She knew the error was on her part, though, not his. Pursuing her was in his nature. It was her responsibility to resist and she failed.
Failed herself.
Failed him.
Her mind was firm on this decision when she stood. However, she didn’t go far before an alert from her phone made her pause. Returning to the edge of her bed, she retrieved her cell and checked the missed message.
Zander… but how did he…
She hadn’t given him her number in return when she’d taken his, but it was definitely him.
‘Do you have a moment to talk?’ it read.
Polished fingernails lingered over the buttons, contemplating whether or not to respond. Her declaration to cut him off came to mind again, but for some reason she didn’t immediately close the message out. No. Instead, she stood there wondering why he reached out. Was something wrong? Was he hoping to see her again?
…Was this a test?
Thinking the latter had to be true, seeing as how she hadn’t given him permission to contact her, Vanessa set her phone down on the nightstand and went into the bathroom to freshen up. She had to get back downstairs and pretend to tolerate Simon for a little while longer. After changing into something more comfortable, she stepped back into her bedroom and tried to ignore the blinking light beckoning to her from across the room. Her phone. There was no doubt in her mind Zander had sent another message.
A sharp breath puffed from her lips when she gave in to her curiosity, deciding to see what else he had to say.
‘I’d like to see you tomorrow or… perhaps tonight?’
He wanted to see her.
A knot formed in the center of her stomach and she didn’t deny what caused it. It was that constant tug in two different directions. One urging her to delete the message and block him now that he’d mysteriously turned up with her number. The other urging her to call back. The decision shouldn’t have been as difficult as it was, but more than that, she shouldn’t have been leaning toward the latter option.
‘Don’t do it,’ she told herself. ‘Don’t do it.’
Ignoring Zander was the right decision. However, he’d gotten her in the habit of doing what felt right regardless of what her conscience had to say about it. For that reason, she was currently listening to the sound of the line ringing in her ear, waiting for Zander to pick up.
“I was beginning to think you weren’t going to respond,” he answered, a smile on his lips, no doubt. Vanessa could hear it through the phone.
“How’d you get my number?” she shot back coldly, ignoring how the words contrasted the warmth currently spreading through her body at the sound of Zander’s voice.
He chuckled into her ear and she imagined his breath caressing it when he did. Her eyes fell closed.
“I’m resourceful,” he replied, adding, “…and persistent.”
A straight answer was never given, but Vanessa figured that, for someone like Zander, looking her up had been easy.
“What do you want?” she asked curtly, placing a hand lightly over her throat, feeling how her pulse raced.
“I want to see you.” His answer came quickly, which didn’t surprise her. He’d never been one to beat around the bush.
The sound of Ryan’s laughter floated up the stairs, reminding her of the reason she was in for the night. “I can’t do that. Today’s my son’s birthday and we’re celebrating with him…”
“…We?”
Damn… she had slipped and said that.
She took a breath and explained, although she wasn’t sure why she even bothered. “Simon and I. Ry wanted his dad here for the night, so… I’m trying to be a good sport and not ruin his day, but…” She sighed into the phone and paced slowly, realizing she was saying way too much. “Long story short, I’m in for the evening and spending the night on the couch in a home I pay the note on.”
She sounded bitter. They both heard and felt it.
“Why the couch?” Zander pried.
That was a decision she made around lunchtime that afternoon. “Because Simon will be sleeping in Ryan’s spare bed and I just…” she paused, wondering why she was talking so much, sharing so much. “I’d rather be as far away from the bastard as possible.”
Silence.
It was rare Zander had nothing to say, but she figured he was just processing all she’d dumped on him. Realizing this, she hated herself a little more for letting him in on how her evening would be spent. If she was truly planning to cut him off, she needed to sever this invisible tether that had somehow formed between them.
And the sooner the better.
“Listen, I have to get downstairs,” she started, “but I need to talk to you about something. Would it be okay to give you a call tomorrow?”
When he hesitated, her brow lifted, wondering what
he might be thinking on the other end of the line.
“I’m always available for you,” he said matter-of-factly and Vanessa felt the words way down deep in her stomach.
Still, she couldn’t let him affect her.
“Sounds good. Talk then,” she forced out, ending the call right after. It was all she could do to keep from wavering.
More laughter and chatter met her when she reached the bottom of the stairs. The pizza had just arrived and the guys were already grabbing slices from the box where they sat at the kitchen table. Vanessa found her seat where Simon had placed a plate and glass. With her appetite just about nonexistent tonight, she only took one piece and nibbled from the end of it.
“Ma! I asked Dad if he can make his pancakes for us in the morning, but he said it’s up to you. Can he? Pleeeeease? It’s been a long time since he’s made ‘em for us. Please?” Ryan begged again.
It felt like, at every turn, Vanessa was forced to play the bad guy. When it came to being caught between her son and Simon. With Zander. She was tired of it and, this time, she felt Simon could have put a stop to things before they got that far. All he had to do was tell Ryan he had to leave first thing in the morning. That’s what he and Vanessa discussed. That was the only reason she agreed to this. However, when Ryan asked him to stick around, he shifted the responsibility of telling him no onto Vanessa’s shoulders.
She glared at him from across the table until she reminded herself that her son was watching them like a hawk tonight. Straightening her expression, she did the only thing she could.
“Sure. But right after that, Daddy has things to do, so he’ll be leaving.” She made sure she and Simon were clear on that with a stern look. In response, he nodded once and then went back to eating his pizza.
This was harder than she imagined it would be. Sitting across the table from him, sharing a meal with the man who’d broken her heart. Things were uncomfortable and she could only hope Ryan didn’t feel it. Judging by how his mouth had been running a mile a minute since he got home, she guessed he didn’t. Actually, his nonstop chatter made dinner easier to get through. Since she and Simon didn’t have much to say to one another, Ryan got to be the center of attention.
Vanessa listened as Ryan and Simon chatted about any random thing that popped into Ry’s head and, twenty minutes later, dinner was finally over and she jumped at the chance to clear the dishes away from the table. It gave her a much needed break from her ex.
She stared out the kitchen window at the large yard as hot, soapy water filled the sink. While she had high hopes that sunrise would bring an end to this charade, she had now agreed to stretch this visit out until breakfast ended. That was her limit, though.
On cue, heavy footsteps approached her from behind, taking her attention from the faucet when she turned to find a set of blue eyes fixed on her backside.
Ugh… did he really have the nerve to be checking her out?
She dismissed the thought, as well as the ugly comments that popped into her head to say to him and, instead, used this brief moment where it was just the two of them to discuss the plan for morning.
Once Simon was close enough, Vanessa whispered. “Thanks for throwing me under the bus.”
He stared with a look of bewilderment in his eyes.
“Pancakes?” she said, jogging his memory.
Simon blew out a breath and shifted his eyes to the ground as he handed over the last dish from the table. “I couldn’t tell him no,” he confessed. “I look at him and all I see is what we’ve done to him.”
Vanessa’s head tilted and she did her best to strike bone with the look she leveled on Simon. “We? No… we… didn’t do anything to Ryan,” she clarified, catching herself when her voice rose a little. “This is all your doing, Simon. I’m not the one who stepped out. I’m not the one who thought outside pussy was worth losing my entire family.”
She was practically breathing fire.
Simon took a moment to respond, but when he did, he was calm. “That wasn’t what I meant, Nessa. I’m just saying the kid’s innocent in all this. Our grown up issues have him caught in the middle and… dammit… I’m doing everything I can to make this easier on him. So if pancakes are gonna keep him smiling, then I don’t see the harm in it.”
‘Because being in my presence doesn’t make you sick to your stomach,’ she thought to herself, deciding she was done looking at him. Her eyes went back to the dishes.
“After breakfast, you have to go.” And she would stand firm on that. “I’d also like the boundaries for tonight to be clear,” she added. “I’ll sleep down here on the couch, so you and Ryan can be in his room.”
Simon nodded. “I’ll uh… I’ll gather drinks and snacks before we go up so we don’t have to disturb you.”
Vanessa nodded, but didn’t turn as she rinsed the glass in her hands. It wasn’t Ryan she didn’t want to see anymore, but she knew the two were a packaged deal for the night.
Simon didn’t say another word. He simply walked away and did as he promised, making a game of choosing what sweets to take up between he and Ryan. He was still talking Simon’s ear off until Vanessa could no longer hear them.
She was glad to be alone. All day she’d had this huge dark cloud hanging over her head knowing tonight was the night she’d have to pretend to be okay with this arrangement, knowing it’d be pure hell. It did her some good now to just acknowledge her frustration without having to put on a happy face, without having to pretend everything was all right.
Everything was not all right, but she’d done it for her son.
All of the lights were off and silence filled the empty space. Upstairs, Simon and Ryan laughed as they fired up the video game. She couldn’t deny that Simon was a good father… when he was around.
It seemed like there was always a conference or some panel he was being called to speak on. Being away as much as he was made cheating easier for him, she assumed. Not only because bringing women back to his hotel rooms was easy to get away with, but the emotional distance had to have played a part, too. He was gone so much, she felt like he became disconnected from her and Ryan in a way. That had to have created the gap in the relationship where other women were able to slip in undetected.
This wasn’t what she wanted to be thinking about tonight, but Simon’s upcoming trip brought up old feelings, especially because he’d be right back to ground zero—where the first affair she found out about had taken place. There were more. She was sure of it.
The living room television glowed, filling the room with pale light when Vanessa turned it on, hoping to drown out the echo of the memory threatening to take her to a bad place. She didn’t want that. Despite Simon being upstairs, she hoped to find peace. Seemed that was harder and harder to come by lately.
With Simon leaving town and leaving her high and dry on his plans to keep Ryan while he had a break from school, she thought that’d be a great time to take some time off herself, so that’s what she did. Starting Thursday of the following week, she’d have nothing to do but hang out with her favorite little guy and get into whatever trouble they could find. When she thought about it, maybe Simon going away had been a blessing in disguise, giving her a break and quality time with Ryan all in one.
Somehow, even with her thoughts running wild tonight, she managed to get roped into the plot of a movie she settled on, but she was beginning to drift off. Not wanting to miss the end, she set the DVR to record the rest just in case she dozed. Yawning, she reached for the blanket she’d hung over the back of the couch and covered herself with it.
As sleep threatened, Vanessa’s mind was vulnerable enough to slip back to thoughts of Zander without her fighting it. His invitation hadn’t been as easy to decline as she made it seem. Dare she admit this, but… she liked being around him; enjoyed his company. Yes, he was crass and a know-it-all, but… he was more than that.
She saw that now.
Thinking about him as anything other than a patient still made her
uncomfortable, although she’d no longer be seeing him in that capacity. Or any capacity, for that matter. That would be final as of tomorrow. He had some sort of hold on her, though, and she couldn’t put her finger on what it was about him that made her become a completely different person in his presence. With him, there was fire in her; she was free, she was passionate. He brought out a side of her that lie dormant for so long, but she couldn’t overlook that it was wrong. Feeling this way about him was dead wrong.
She blew out a breath. Reality was too heavy. She forced herself to focus on the movie, pushing aside all these conflicting thoughts until she was calm again.
The long day and mental exhaustion finally brought down a heavy sleep, deep enough that a sound at the back door startled her to the point she nearly rolled off the couch. She had no idea how long she’d been out, but it’d been long enough that her limbs now felt like dead weight.
Her eyes shifted toward the sliding door just beyond the arm of the couch, the direction she thought she’d heard the noise. A woman screaming on television brought her eyes there next and she assumed the horror movie now playing had been what she heard. Comfortable with that, she aimed the remote and the flat screen went black, as did the rest of the house.
The clock on the cable box read 2:46 a.m., which explained why she no longer heard the laughing and thumping from above. Simon and Ryan had most likely given up on their all-night video game marathon quite some time ago.
She sighed and turned over, letting her eyes flutter closed again, but this time she was awake and didn’t miss the sound of a gentle tap on the glass door. It startled her back to consciousness as she realized she hadn’t imagined it the first time. Her breathing was ragged as she looked around.
She sat up and the slight creak of the couch unnerved her even more. Her eyes focused in the direction of the door, but she couldn’t make anything out through the darkness.
“What the hell?” she said to herself, suddenly regretting her decision to sleep alone on the first floor. And, of course, her mind had been so frazzled, she forgot to set the alarm, too.
Overdose: A British Bad Boy Romance Page 19
