Anathema (Sojourner Series Book 4)

by Maria Rachel Hooley

  “Atmir? What are you doing here?” I push the button to raise the bed and try to control the racing of my heart. Yes, I know I had a good vision of him when I was dying, but that doesn’t change what he is, a triune angel, or what I am: an enemy of the Triune.

  “You can relax, child. I have not come to harm you.” He even crosses one leg over the other as a human would, which makes me want to laugh.

  “You seem rather amused,” he says, his filmy eyes peering intently at me. “Am I doing something wrong?”

  I shake my head. “No. It’s not you. It’s that I know what you are, and what you are can never blend in this world.”

  He nods . “I shall keep that in mind.”

  “So why are you here, if not on Triune business?” I ask the question even though I dread the answer. It’s rather like waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter what the answer will be, I’m sure it can’t be good.

  “I am on Triune business.”

  My shoulders tense, and I try not to think of Lepail’s hands and the pain shooting toward me. Why am I here, again? “Just spit it out, Atmir.”

  “It appears the problem we had with you has resolved itself. Therefore, we shall trouble you no longer.”

  For a second, I think I’m hearing only what I want to hear, not what Atmir is actually saying. But when he starts to rise, I hold up my hand. “Wait. I don’t understand. How is that possible?”

  He settles back into the chair. “It’s simple, really. For a couple of moments, you died, Elizabeth. In those moments, you lost the power. Now you are just a normal girl again, of no consequence to a triune of angels.”

  I mull over his words, trying to make sense of them, but I can’t. “But how did the power leave--not that I’m not really glad it’s gone.”

  He shrugs. “It would be no different if the power were housed in a weapon, Elizabeth. The moment the blade broke, the power would have ceased to be harnessed in the physical. It would simply have dispersed into the air for no one to possess. The moment you stopped breathing, the power fled your body, thus freeing you.”

  I take a deep, shaky breath. “So that’s it? I don’t have to worry about it anymore?”

  “No. And my work here is done.” He stands.

  “You knew that had happened, didn’t you? That’s why you went looking for my spirit.”

  He nods. “Yes. I was only trying to give back what you lost through no fault of your own.” He heads to the door.

  “Thank you, Atmir,” I say, finally smiling as though the weight of the world has been lifted from me.

  He nods. “You are welcome. Use the gift wisely, my child.”

  I watch him vanish from the room, amazed by the sudden shift of things again. I want to believe him, but it’s so hard after everything I’ve witnessed. So I close my eyes and search for the bright glowing energy which has been a part of me for so many months. Yet as hard and long as I search, I can’t find it. Atmir must be right. The power is gone, and I am free at last.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “How are you feeling, Elizabeth?”

  I turn toward the door to find Evan standing there, a vase filled with daisies in hand. “I’m okay,” I manage. I know it really doesn’t matter what I say. He’s going to know the truth, that I’m forever thinking of Lev. It’s been a day since I woke up, and Jimmie still really doesn’t want me getting up and around. Once again, he thinks I’m made of glass, but I don’t mind. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that Jimmie really is trying to look after me. I can’t fault him for that.

  “How’s Lev?”

  “He’s holding his own.” He walks in and sets the vase on the table. Then he sits in the chair by the bed. “Where’s Jimmie?”

  “Down at the cafeteria getting some lunch. Don’t worry, he’ll be back soon. Where’s Celia?”

  He nods toward the hallway. “Sitting with Lev. She chased me out, thinking I’d take a break from this place, but I don’t feel much like leaving, if you want the truth. Mind me sitting with you for a while? He offers a slight smile, but it doesn’t take much for me to realize he’s distracted, probably worried about Lev, too.

  “Go ahead.” I watch him sink into the chair. “Can I ask you something?” I brush the bangs from my face.

  Evan shrugs. “I’ll give you an answer if I have one.” He clasps his hands together and stares at the floor, waiting.

  “Why can’t you just heal Lev? He’s not exactly human, so it’s not like you’re breaking any rules by doing that.”

  “It’s gotten a little more complicated than that, Elizabeth.”

  Anger simmers just beneath the surface, and I grit my teeth, trying to keep my patience, but once again, it all seems so unfair and stacked against both Lev and me. “He’s an angel, Evan. What’s complicated about that? ”

  Evan shakes his head. “No, Elizabeth, he’s not. Not anymore.”

  A chill slides down my back, and I clench the blanket with weak hands. “What do you mean?” I know I’m hearing all wrong; I have to be. Lev is an angel. He’s been an angel since I’ve known him--six lifetimes.

  “You heard me. Lev is no longer one of us.” He rakes his fingers through his hair and shakes his head. “Which would be good in a way because all he really wants is to love you, Elizabeth. The problem is that his body is damaged beyond belief, and it’s going to take a miracle for him to pull through.”

  I start to get out of bed. “So heal him. I know you can. Lev did that for me once. You could do it for him.”

  Evan shakes his head. “I can’t.”

  I get up on shaky legs, intending to traipse down the hall, even if I have to drag this damned IV pole with me. “You mean you won’t. Lev is dying, and you won’t save him, right?” My voice is thick with the tears gathering in my eyes, and it’s really a good thing I don’t have any powers because I’m so not sure I could control them if I did.

  Evan jumps to his feet. “No, Elizabeth. I said I can’t and I meant it. I tried. Right after I stopped him from falling. I tried everything to muster the power he used on you—power that should have come easily. Except it didn’t. His body remained broken. So I did what I could. I called 911, hoping someone else could save him.” He shakes his head. “Now get back into that bed before I put you there myself. Maybe I can’t heal anyone, but I can make sure you don’t do anything to endanger yourself.”

  Stunned, I sit back on the bed and pull the covers over my body. Suddenly the pain inside my heart overwhelms me, and I start crying as what Evan is really saying finally makes sense. Lev could die. Permanently. I never thought he could become mortal. Then again, after he took a bullet for me and still came back, I never believed he could die, either.

  Evan quickly scoops me into his arms and holds me together as the dark thoughts play themselves out in my mind. He whispers things like “It’s okay” and “You need to focus on getting better.” I want to argue with him and tell him that if Lev dies, it will never get any better, but I know there’s no point. Besides, I’m sure he probably knows how I feel. So I let him hold me until the tears pass. He gradually sits back down and watches me, concern filling his features.

  “I never thought it would turn out like this,” I whisper, staring at my hands as they toy with the blankets.

  “I know. Me, either.” Evan shakes his head. “You wouldn’t believe the grudge he used to bear against humans. For him to have learned to love one more than himself is quite a feat. You do understand that, don’t you, Elizabeth?”

  I nod . “Yes.” I keep shaking, even though I hate showing my weaknesses. “I can’t stand the thought of losing him, Evan. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he dies.” I stare at the blanket, but I don’t know what I’m looking for, really. There are no answers written anywhere, certainly not on the bed or Evan’s face.

  “It’s not over, Elizabeth. You have to remember that.” He touches my face and stands. “I’m going to go back down the hall and check on Lev.”

  I si
t up higher. “I want to go with you.”

  “You’re not strong enough to be moving around, Elizabeth.” Evan heads to the door.

  “What if he dies and I don’t get to say goodbye?”

  Evan abruptly stops and looks back at me. For a moment, he just stands and stares. Finally, he nods. “All right. I’ll take you to him—for a couple of minutes.”

  “Thank you.” He grabs the robe from my dresser. “Here, put this on.” I nod and stand up so I can slip the robe on. Evan hovers close and unplugs the IV pole. Once I draw the ties into a knot, he wraps his arm around me in support as I nudge the IV pole along. More than once, I have to stop and lean against him. I’m exhausted by the time I reach Lev’s room, and Evan is pretty much supporting me.

  “You want to go back to your room? You look pale and weak.”

  I stubbornly shake my head and lean against him until I can catch my breath. “No, I want to see him. It’s important.”

  “All right,” Evan reluctantly agrees, tightening his hold. “But just for a minute. You look like you’re going to pass out, and that’s the last thing you need. Jimmie will have my head.”

  “I’m okay. I’m just a little weak, that’s all.”

  We turn the corner, and he helps me into the room. When I look at the bed and see Lev lying there, so still and pale, my knees give out and Evan holds me that much more firmly.

  “Easy, Elizabeth. The chair is right there by the bed. Just hang on.” He leads me to it and gently sets me into it. The abrupt movement jars the pain deep in my body, and I inhale sharply.

  “You okay?”

  I nod and look at Lev. He’s so pale, and no matter how hard I look, I can’t see the aura of his wings, which frightens me all the more. “Can I have a few moments alone with him, please?”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea to just leave you sitting here.”

  I swallow hard. “I’ll be fine. I promise..”

  Evan looks from me to Lev and finally nods. “Okay. I’ll give you five minutes. Don’t push for more. I’ll be right outside, if you need me.” He squeezes my shoulder reassuringly.

  “Thank you.”

  I wait until I hear the door close before I reach for Lev’s hand, carefully avoiding the spot where the IV has been inserted in the top of his hand. Even though tape covers the clear tube, I don’t want to hurt him accidentally, and the only way to avoid that is to watch where I touch and avoid the mottled area of his bruised skin. Even looking at it makes me cringe from imagining how much it hurts

  An oxygen tube rests under his nostrils, and his eyes are still. His chest barely rises and falls with each breath, and it seems like he’s barely even here. That’s my fault. If he hadn’t fallen in love with me, he would have gone on with his supernatural existence. All my fault.

  “Lev,” I whisper. “Can you hear me?” I brush the hair back from my face. I keep trembling, and force myself not to look at my hands. It just reminds me of all the things I can’t change that hurt. I keep watching his face, hoping his expression will break, but it doesn’t. He lies there, barely breathing.

  “Lev, please.” My voice is breaking, and I know if he doesn’t move, I’m going to lose it. I stroke his face, so sure that once he feels my touch, he’ll stir. He has to.

  Nothing.

  “Lev!” My voice is louder, more shrill. I stand though I know I’m too weak. I should be in bed. “Lev!” I lean over and rest my head on his chest. For the first time, I can hear a real heartbeat, but it’s slow and weak. I close my eyes and focus on it.

  “Elizabeth. It’s time to return you to bed.” Evan rests his hand on my shoulder and gently tries to pull me away.

  “I don’t want to go.” I fight him at every turn, wanting to stay with Lev forever. He’s where I belong.

  “I know you do. But you need to rest.”

  No matter how hard I try to cling to Lev, I feel Evan taking me away. I can’t bear that thought, so I begin to struggle. Evan keeps speaking to me in that slow, patient tone, but I don’t listen. There are no words that will make this acceptable. None. I keep struggling until I hear him say, “Sleep, Elizabeth. Sleep.”

  Then blackness comes for me, and I unwillingly surrender to it.

  “Lizzie? Can you hear me?”

  I flinch as the voice comes to me. It’s deep and diluted by unconsciousness, and it takes me a few seconds to even have a clue who’s speaking.

  “Lizzie?” Someone lightly pats my face.

  The voice speeds up to a regular pace. Jimmie’s voice. I open my eyes and blink to clear the haze.

  “Good to see you awake.”

  Jimmie sits in the chair beside my bed. Although he definitely looks more comfortable than the last time I saw him, all sleep and shower deprived, but I’m pretty sure he’s been there most of the time I’ve been out, however long that’s been.

  Lev.

  I start to sit up when Jimmie shakes his head. “Hey, take it easy, Lizzie. You’re still weak, you know?”

  “How’s Lev?” I reach for the cup beside the bed and drink. Even though it’s lukewarm, it still tastes good, which tells me how thirsty I am.

  “The same.” He averts his gaze, pretending to watch me set the cup back on the nightstand so I don’t spill any of it.

  “Has he come around yet?” I push the button to raise my head. Although I still feel weak, it’s not as bad, which gives me hope. I have to believe that something is going to change with Lev.

  “No, Lizzie. He hasn’t.”

  I cringe. “How long has it been?” I should know, but things have been so hazy between the exhaustion and the meds I’ve been given, not much is clear, really. I look down at my hand and see the IV is still there.

  “A week.” He points to the tray. “There’s a breakfast tray. Eggs and bacon. You should be hungry by now.”

  I shake my head. Yes, my stomach is growling, but the last thing I feel like doing is eating. “No, I’m still not hungry.”

  Jimmie shakes his head. “Damn it, Lizzie--you can’t stop living because of Lev. He wouldn’t want that, and you know it.”

  I grip the covers in my fists. “You talk like he’s already dead, Jimmie. Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

  “No, of course not.”

  I look at the stupid blue blanket draped around my body, and I loathe it. “Where’s Evan?”

  “In Lev’s room. Has hardly left.”

  I slide to the side of the bed and sling my legs over it.

  “What are you doing, Elizabeth?”

  “Going to see Lev and Evan.” I grab the robe from the other chair and quickly drape it around my body. I’m not particularly fond of the nice air vents in the back.

  “Maybe you shouldn’t get up so quick,” Jimmie argues, standing like I’m going to fall down. Although before I might have wondered if I could make it, today I feel stronger; I don’t think that’s going to be an issue.

  “I’m okay, Jimmie. I’m not made of glass, and I feel better today.”

  He frowns and stands there, hovering as usual. I can tell he wants to help me as I slip the robe over the shoulder with the IV, but I move so quickly he doesn’t have time, which leaves him awkwardly standing there, looking on without any idea how to help. “I just want you to be okay, Lizzie. I know you’re worried.”

  I tie the robe closed and grab the IV pole so I can brush past him. “Yeah, Jimmie, I am worried—and right now the only thing that’s going to make me feel any better is walking down that hall and looking in on Lev.”

  “You want me to come?” he asks softly, still standing there awkwardly.

  I shake my head. “No.” I want a few minutes alone with him, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  As I leave, Jimmie sinks back into one of the most uncomfortable- looking chairs I have ever seen. It has so little padding, and the angle of the back is sharp, which means nobody probably wants to sit there for long. Yet Jimmie will because I’m coming back.

  I am
ble down the hall, tugging the IV pole like my shadow. I look down at my hand where the tube is still taped, and as I wriggle my fingers, I feel the slow, carving ache from having something under my skin for so long. I’m sure that once a nurse actually takes it out, there’s going to be a bruise. It hurts too much not to leave some kind of mark, if you want the truth. But that’s the least of my worries.

  Lev’s door is closed, so I lightly knock.

  “Come in.” Evan’s voice. I turn the knob and see Evan sitting in a vigil probably very similar to what Jimmie has done with me. I know Evan isn’t Lev’s father, but there’s nothing in his expression that suggests he’s anything else to anyone who doesn’t know the whole story. There’s so much love and sadness, which only reminds me of my own.

  I step into the room. “How is he?”

  Evan barely looks up. “The same, Elizabeth.”

  Crossing the room, I sit in the other chair. “Can’t you reach him in his dreams?” I ask, noting that Evan’s right. Everything seems disturbingly the same as the last time I saw him.

  “I’ve tried. It’s like there’s no activity in his mind.”

  He opens his mouth, probably to tell me something crappy like I should prepare myself for the worst. Then again, how many times has the worst found me? How can I ever get more prepared than I already am? I wave him to silence and take a deep breath.

  “Can I have a few moments alone with him?”

  Immediately, Evan stiffens. “Elizabeth, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea after the last time. You were so upset….”

  I nod. “I know. It’s just hard to leave him, even when it’s time.”

  After one last look at the monitor, he finally reluctantly nods. “Okay. Just not too long.”

  “All right.” I wait for him to stand and walk out of the room before I take Lev’s hand in both of mine. Strange that I never really looked at his fingers before. He has an artist’s hands—long, graceful fingers which have stroked my skin so often that if I just close my eyes and think about it, I can recreate the sensation. I know his voice as intimately as my own, and I’ll never be able to forget the ocean blue of his eyes. But I guess I’m afraid that if something happens to him, all of those things will fade like a painting left in the sun. The memory will remain, but you can’t smell the memory of a rose no matter how beautifully the photographer captures it. The essence is in the living, and all those things which Lev has shared with me have been living moments.