Ask Me Something (The Something Series Book 2)

by Aubrey Bondurant

  “Was I fired from the account yesterday?”

  His silence and the grim set to his mouth were answer enough.

  I tried to walk by him into the house. I needed to get away.

  “Wait—” he said, grasping my elbow. “It’s only temporary. There’s a meeting on Monday that should resolve everything.”

  I turned and faced him. “But if I were to call her up at this very moment, what would she say? Oh, that’s right, I can’t because her number is in my work phone, and you made up some bullshit story about needing to put our phones away for the weekend because you were burned out. But that wasn’t it, was it? It was to keep me from finding out. I thought maybe I was supporting you for a change, but no, it was all a deception.”

  “Look, it’ll be fixed come next week, I promise. There’s a plan—”

  “I told you the one thing—” I started to have trouble talking as my heart rate and breathing began to spiral out of control. “—not to hide anything from me,” I managed to get out some fragments.

  He grimaced. “I wasn’t hiding it. I was merely delaying it until I could…”

  I wasn’t listening any longer. I’d been removed from the Tryon Pharmaceuticals account on Friday morning, and my boyfriend, the one man I’d come to trust the most, had not only known about it, but had also kept it from me. He’d hidden it after I’d specifically told him how I felt about lies of omission.

  Suddenly I was in a tunnel with everything becoming blurry. My heart raced, the pain of it beating so fast, it nearly doubled me over. I rushed into the house while feeling everyone’s eyes on me and not being able to do a thing about it. I could hear them whispering, see them judging. And suddenly I was brought back to sixteen years old.

  ***

  My very first panic attack had taken me completely off guard when I was a teenager. My mind hadn’t known how to process the shock of finding out this homeless beggar woman was my birth mother and I’d been adopted. My body had shut down. I’d thought I was dying right there on the ground that day, clutching my heart and gasping for breath. Evidently, when the paramedics had arrived, they’d suspected I was experiencing a seizure. It wasn’t until twenty-four hours later and a battery of tests that the doctors had determined I’d had a panic attack.

  It’s ironic that, to my parents, that had been a relief to hear. It meant I didn’t have anything medically wrong with me. But for me, personally, it had been terrible news. I would’ve welcomed a diagnosis of seizures or something else that didn’t have the same stigma. A panic attack meant I was weak. A panic attack meant I couldn’t control things.

  My parents had thought by hiding the fact that I’d been adopted, they were protecting me. But in fact they’d been shielding themselves, and so was Brian. It was only fitting that my second worst panic attack in history would start with his betrayal.

  But unlike the first one, on this occasion my body knew what to expect, and I could use some of the techniques I’d learned over the years to manage it. Both Brian’s and Colby’s voices came into focus, and I found myself in a bedroom. I vaguely remembered someone taking my hand and leading me upstairs.

  “I’m calling nine-one-one,” Brian said, dialing his cell phone.

  I shook my head adamantly and tried to speak. “No, it’s a—” Breathe, Sasha”—panic attack.”

  He looked like he didn’t believe me, and then Mark was there, too. Brian’s college friend must have arrived at the party after we had. Then Brian’s mom came in, and somewhere I could hear muffled tones arguing.

  Terrific, now my anxiety was rising again. “Please—need—people—to—leave.” For sixteen years I’d been able to keep this secret and now it was on display for everyone. It was my worst nightmare.

  Brian knelt in front of me, grasping my hands. “Honey, how do you know it’s a panic attack? What if it’s something more serious?”

  I shook my head and looked imploringly at Colby and Mark, who were hovering.

  Finally, Colby, bless his heart, started telling everyone to get out. I could only hope one of them hadn’t been McKenzie. I was sure I’d already ruined her party.

  “I’ve—had—them—before.”

  Brian looked confused. “What are you talking about? When?”

  I couldn’t begin to go into it with him, especially since he’d been partially responsible for this one. “Please go, Brian.” At least that had been a full sentence.

  “I’m not leaving. Tell me what I can do.”

  I shook my head, wanting to be left alone. I couldn’t have him, of all people, see me like this. Climbing off the bed quickly, I bolted for the bathroom and emptied the contents of my stomach.

  Brian’s hands held my hair back gently. After I was done, he offered me a cool wash cloth.

  My head was pounding, but my breathing had started to level out. It was amazing how slowly time crawled when you wished it to go quickly, but I’d learned there was no rushing an attack, else you brought on a second one.

  Brian’s eyes looked concerned. “How about I drive you to the hospital?”

  “No—I need to go lie—” Breathe. “—down at the hotel.”

  “Okay, I’ll take you.”

  “No.” I met his eyes, and that word hung between us. “I can’t.” The tears were starting to come now. If I didn’t get out of here soon I’d be a complete hysterical mess and Brian would want to comfort me. If that happened, god only knew what else I’d reveal.

  “Sasha, please—” His handsome face looked absolutely devastated.

  But there was nothing I could do to soothe him or tell him it would be okay right now. I had to concentrate on myself for the moment. I walked out to the bedroom, unsteady on my feet, to see both Colby and Mark looking for direction. “I need a taxi.”

  Both of them glanced toward Brian.

  “Why don’t you lie down here for a few minutes,” Mark suggested.

  I shook my head, feeling the panic start up again. “Please—I need—to go.”

  Brian put his arm around me, but I stepped back, not wanting his touch.

  “You’re making it worse—please—” The shame had started to settle in and I couldn’t meet his eyes. I was no longer the Sasha he thought he knew. Instead I’d humiliated him in front of his friends and family, not to mention myself. Yes, his betrayal had been the catalyst, but a normal person could have stormed off or cursed him out. My over-reaction highlighted my inability to deal with anything challenging.

  “I can drive her,” Colby offered.

  “No, you’ve been drinking. I’ll take her,” Mark stepped in. “Colby, you get the car brought around. Here’s my tag for the valet.”

  I didn’t know the man very well, but at that moment I was eternally grateful.

  Brian’s mouth fell into a hard line and both men moved to the corner of the room to have a heated debate. Finally, Mark prevailed and took my arm to lead me out.

  Thank goodness Colby had the lay of the house. He bounded up the stairs and took us down the back way.

  Brian didn’t follow.

  By the time we got in the car, my breathing had steadied and my heart rate had calmed. Absolute exhaustion battled the adrenaline needed to get the hell away from this place. I couldn’t handle answering any questions about my history or revealing any more than I already had. The gig was up, and it was a matter of time before Brian wanted answers.

  During the drive, Mark gratefully hadn’t said anything, only chancing a few glances toward me, mostly likely to ensure he didn’t have to GPS it to the nearest hospital. After pulling up at the hotel, he put the car in park, apparently intending to get out with me.

  I held up my hand. “I’m better now, thank you.”

  He hesitated. “I realize we don’t know one another very well, Sasha, but Brian insisted I see you up to your room.”

  “Then he’ll have to get over it,” I snapped. Wincing at my tone, I felt the tears threaten again. “I’m sorry, Mark. Look, I have to do this by myself. Y
ou can tell him I wouldn’t let you up.” I couldn’t handle one more sympathetic look today.

  He sighed. “No need to apologize. And I know this isn’t my place, but I have to say it. Brian may have screwed up, but he’s one of the best guys I know.”

  Yes, he was. Even in messing up, he’d managed to be tender and kind, wanting nothing more than an opportunity to explain himself. My panic attack had only confirmed that my reaction had been out of proportion to the problem. The Sasha he knew would’ve read him the riot act and left with her head held high. Instead, I’d hit rock bottom with plenty of witnesses to my shame. And on top of everything else, I’d ruined Kenzie’s graduation party.

  I turned towards Mark before getting out of the car. “Then the issue is obviously me.”

  ***

  Packing quickly, I knew I was on borrowed time. When Brian came back to the room, I intended to be gone. My pounding head made it challenging, however, and I had no choice but to move slower than usual. After glancing around the room one last time, I wheeled my suitcase toward the door. Briefly, I thought about my work phone in the safe and dismissed it. I didn’t have the combination anyhow.

  Opening the door, I came face to face with Brian. He was about to swipe his card.

  His eyes glanced down to my suitcase and back up to my face. “I thought you were going to lie down.”

  “I changed my mind. You should be back at Kenzie’s party. I already ruined some of it. She doesn’t need her favorite brother leaving to spoil the rest.” My voice was thick with emotion. It was one more thing I hated about myself at this moment.

  He frowned. “She doesn’t even know it happened. Everyone else there thinks I screwed up and you needed a minute. It’s not as bad as you think it was.”

  Yeah, right. “I need to go. I have a plane to catch.”

  “Sasha, please give me a few minutes.”

  I shook my head, feeling the tears. “I can’t.”

  He stepped into the room, forcing me to move back. The door closed behind him. “I know I screwed up, but if you’ll give me until Monday to fix—”

  Needing some distance, I moved towards the window, holding up my hand when he tried to come closer. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Don’t say that. It does matter. I didn’t want to keep it from you, but there are a lot of variables at the moment we’re working through. It’s bigger than just you or me.”

  The explanation didn’t matter at this point. The only thing that did was getting out of here before he asked more questions. “I have to leave.” My voice cracked on the last word.

  “Tell me about the panic attacks.”

  “No.” My eyes met his, and I took a deep breath, willing myself not to go into another one.

  “So you can feel betrayed with my omission about Vanessa, but the fact that you’ve never mentioned your panic attacks before isn’t the same thing?” He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.

  I sucked in my breath. “It’s not the same thing, and you know it.”

  “How is it not when I’m ready to call an ambulance because I don’t know what the hell is going on today, only to find out that it wasn’t the first time—Oh, shit—did you have one that day after Jamie came by? Is that what that was?”

  The air left my lungs. My secret had not only been on display at Kenzie’s party, but now Brian was putting together the entire truth. Now he’d know that I was incapable of handling any stressors without collapsing into a panic attack. I’d spent the last sixteen years building up an image that had taken less than thirty minutes to implode completely. I moved toward the door.

  He grabbed my arm. “You could’ve told me, Sash—”

  I truly was on the verge of having another attack. His sympathy was only making it worse. I couldn’t let him see me needing him. “I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry, it’s too much.”

  His eyes flashed with pain, and his voice rose. “So when would it be the best time?”

  “What?” Why the hell was he getting angry?

  “You agreed to be my girlfriend. Agreed to take the next step, and yet you can’t even tell me that you fucking miss me. You can’t tell me for a second that you might have feelings, too.”

  “I agreed because you pressured me and—” I immediately regretted my words when I saw the shattered look on his face.

  “Right. I’ve pressured you into this whole thing. Into the rules, into sex, into a relationship. All of it.” His voice was thick, and I could see the hurt in his eyes.

  Although I didn’t mean it and knew I was making a complete mess of this in the process, I reasoned it might be for the best if he believed that. By his own admission, I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I stood quiet.

  “You know what, maybe I did deliberately push you out of your comfort zone and into a relationship. In my defense, though, I did it because I’m in love with you. I’d hoped I could convince you to feel the same.”

  “You love me?” I asked incredulously.

  He nodded. “For the last eight years.”

  My heart sank when I realized what that meant. “You don’t love me, Brian. You don’t even know me.”

  He looked like I was talking crazy. “How can you say that?”

  “Take a good look at me. I’m not the girl you think you know.” I took a deep breath. It was best he knew all of it to save him the energy of thinking he could love someone like me. “I have an anxiety disorder. I’ve had it all my life, but the attacks started when I was sixteen, and I found out I was adopted by having my crack-addict mother come to school during lunch to ask me for money. My parents kept it from me my whole life. Three years ago in Miami when I received that call, and we had our almost-night: panic attack. Puking my guts up after Jamie left—You guessed it correctly, another one.” I paused, taking in his wide eyes and shocked expression. I was fire hosing him with my confession, but I couldn’t stop now that the seal was broken.

  “I throw up before each and every pitch like clockwork and shake so badly afterwards that I’m absolutely exhausted. I wear a black hair tie on my wrist to snap whenever I’m anxious, which is All. Of. The. Fucking. Time.” I showed him my wrist since I’d worn one to the party. “And the truth is: Maybe I’ve never told you that I miss you or shared my feelings because I realize now that it doesn’t matter how I feel, this relationship could never work. As much as I wish I was, I’m not the girl that you respect or that you thought you knew. I promise if you did know me, you wouldn’t miss me at all.”

  “That’s not true.” Scrubbing a hand over his face, he looked completely overwhelmed with the barrage of information. “If you’d give me a chance, we can figure this out. Have you seen a therapist about your anxiety? Maybe we could go together.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and fought the tears. Just when I thought I’d hit my lowest point, having him feel sorry for me was so much worse. “Stop, please.”

  “Sorry, I know I’m getting ahead of myself. We can take it slower. But I can even ask Mark for his therapist’s name. He’s up in Connecticut, and I hear he’s really good. I only want to help you—”

  And there it was. The unmistakable sound of what I’d tried to avoid my whole life. Someone seeing me as broken. My utter humiliation was complete. I was officially at rock bottom and Brian, someone I respected and who had once respected me had a front row seat. “I know that you’d like nothing better than to help. Part of it is because you’re a good guy, the other part may have something to do with trying to control the circumstances. But I can’t do this.” My heart was breaking, but a happily ever after wasn’t in my future. So I said the only thing I could to get him to let me go: “This isn’t working for me any longer. I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t mean that.” His voice shook with emotion.

  I took an unsteady breath and walked through the door. I needed to leave before I became selfish and clung to him.

  “Sasha, wait—”

  I turned, desperately wishing I could be the gir
l he thought he loved. “I’m not Sasha-B-Fierce. I never was.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

  After the cab dropped me off at the airport, I made a beeline for the car rental counter. The last place I wanted to go was back up to New York and ironically, the one place that did appeal to me was home. The drive would be therapeutic, and I’d return to New York when I was ready.

  I called my mother briefly, telling her I was on my way home. She didn’t ask why, only told me to drive safely and that she’d see me soon. The tears didn’t start until the halfway point into the six-hour drive from Virginia to coastal Carolina. Eight years. How could he have thought he’d been in love with me that long?

  The sound of my phone coming over the car’s Bluetooth startled me. Brian’s number flashed, and it was tempting to answer, but I knew I’d break down if I talked to him again right now.

  Giving up after a couple of attempts, he left me a text message.

  “Let me know that you’re okay when you get home. Please.”

  Unfortunately, it was one more reminder about what a great guy he was and launched me into a fresh round of tears over the fact that I’d never be good enough. I typed back that I was okay and left it at that.

  Grateful to have the long drive behind me, I stepped through my parents’ front door, and my mom greeted me immediately with a hug. When her arms came around me, I lost it.

  My father, bless his heart, took over while my mom went to go fix some tea. It was her answer for anything troubling.

  The big wall of a man took a seat next to me and let me cry it all out on his shoulder. Some fathers might have left a sobbing daughter to her mother, but not my dad. He knew I needed both of them.

  Finally, when it subsided, I met the concerned eyes of both my parents and took a deep breath. “I don’t know where to begin.”

  My dad patted my hand. “You start wherever you need to, baby girl.”

  Over the course of the next twenty minutes, I confessed to the couple dozen panic attacks I’d had over the years, the continued therapy, and my need to avoid confiding in anyone about it. I finished with my humiliation at Kenzie’s graduation party today.