The Warped Forest

by Thomas Carpenter

  In most games, recipes required two or more items. Alex searched around the area, foraging a hunk of lollygrass and a sugarroot.

  Alex threw the lollygrass into the pot with a piece of iguana meat, and after a few seconds, there was a flash, and a hunk of char was in their place. She dumped the failed meal, then threw the sugarroot into the pot with an iguana meat. The pot flashed again except this time it had a rainbow hue.

  You have received: Spicy Iguana Steak

  You have learned a new recipe: Spicy Iguana Steak

  After tossing the new item into her Handysack, Alex decided to experiment with the corpses that hadn't disappeared after looting. She threw more wood on the fire, getting it crackling before dumping an igneous iguana corpse into it. She watched the pot for a few minutes, expecting a change, but the edge of the dead creature only smoldered.

  "Duh, it's fireproof," said Alex.

  Rather than use up her few remaining water rations, Alex cast Dewdrop Orb into the pot. It took six tries before she completed the spell successfully, but it filled the pot with a nice, clean, magical water.

  Almost as soon as the water came to a boil, the igneous iguana corpse dissolved. Something small and shiny clinked onto the bottom of the pot, but since it was boiling, she threw another corpse in.

  You have gained a skill point: +1 Cooking

  When she was finished, she threw out the boiling water, revealing nine pebbles at the bottom of the pot. She dumped them into her hand.

  You have received: Chimeric Stone x2

  You have received: Worthless Bauble x7

  The chimeric stones had multicolor swirls across their surface while the worthless baubles looked like gray, chalky stone. She threw the baubles into the grass.

  "Chimeric stones," said Alex. "I wonder if this is what's causing these creatures to be all mixed up. Rhinoboar, raticore, igneous iguanas. What a mess."

  Almost as soon as she finished speaking, a quest pop-up appeared.

  Quest Offered: Figure out what the chimeric stones are for. (+5,000 XP) [Y/N]

  It's not like you have anything better to do.

  She accepted the quest. It would be her main priority, since there was no reasonable way she was going to grind her way to level twenty without numerous quests.

  Alex cleaned up her campsite as the fire burned low. Her stomach rumbled from the meats she'd eaten. Her body wasn't quite adjusting to these new foods.

  "The days must be shorter here than in the real world," said Alex, noticing the lengthening shadows.

  Sitting on a log while leaning back against a tree, Alex lifted her leg to let out a particularly rambunctious fart that went on for a good five seconds. She nearly fell off the log when something furry darted out from beneath it until she realized it was the shrew she'd met earlier.

  The shrew was wrinkling its nose, rubbing at it as if it were trying to remove something stuck to it.

  "Sorry, little shrew. I didn't know you were under there. My mom and I would get into horrible farting contests after chili dinners," said Alex.

  To her shock and amusement, the shrew stood on its hind legs before falling backwards into the leaves, feigning a small and furry death.

  "Oh, very funny," said Alex. "It wasn't that bad."

  To prove it, she took a sniff, only to find the stench made her nose wrinkle.

  "Sorry about that. I guess this in-game food does a number on my guts," she said.

  The shrew rolled back into its feet and scurried into the undergrowth, leaving her once more alone.

  She'd logged in during the morning hours, but it was almost evening time. She wasn't excited about the prospect of spending the night in the Warped Forest, since she didn't know what kind of dangers lurked. Usually game zones were more dangerous during the night.

  A dreadful screech sounded from nearby, startling Alex into producing her whip. When the forest resumed its soft dirge of insect noises, she looked to her weapon, remembering that its durability had been trashed by the iguanas.

  Before she lost too much light, Alex gathered a bundle of grass and rewrapped the Vicious Thorny Whip, which returned half of its durability. Towards the end, she was working by firelight alone, which left her twitchy at every pop of the fire or chirp of an insect.

  Darkvision was usually a priority for her since not all dungeons were lighted, but she had no vendor to learn the spell from, assuming this world even offered such benefits. Which meant she was going to have to brave the night without sight, since the forest canopy hid the burgeoning starlight.

  Without a bedroll, Alex made a cubby in the undergrowth, using a bush as a protective covering from night creatures. She let the fire dim to coals, not wanting to announce her presence too widely.

  Alex curled onto her side beneath the bushes, trying to ignore the growing cacophony of night song. Sleep evaded her as each time she nearly succumbed to slumber, a tree branch snapped, or a nearby creature made an awful noise. The worst was a grinding caw that occasionally echoed through the trees.

  When the stars shone faintly through the canopy above her, Alex woke with a start. On the other side of the ashy campfire, something was picking at the ground. She couldn't tell how large the creature was, only that it was less than ten feet from her location.

  Tired of hiding beneath the bush, Alex decided to surprise the creature picking around her camp. Crouched on her knees, she cast flame spit, but only succeeded in sending a spray of sparks across the camp.

  For a brief moment, Alex saw a dark figure expand its arms with a dreadful flutter.

  "Nice sparkler, asshole, but I'm trying to clean up over here," said the creature.

  Alex froze for a moment, stunned by the insult. The voice reminded Alex of her Great Aunt Beatrice, who had lived in Brooklyn before her death a few years ago.

  "Hello?"

  "Yeah, hello right back at ya," came the reply.

  "Can I relight my fire so I can see you?" asked Alex.

  "Sure thing, but just don't catch my tail feathers. I've waxed them to a particular sheen that glows just right in the starlight."

  Crouched beside the fire, knowing that something potentially dangerous was lurking a few feet away in the darkness was rather odd, but Alex managed to put more wood on the fire, expanding the ring of light.

  A massive black bird, easily three feet tall, was picking around in the grass. The avian snatched up a worthless bauble that Alex had discarded, threw it into the air with its beak, and caught it with a pouch on its hip beneath the wing.

  "Hello, bird," said Alex, adding a little wave to show she wasn't dangerous.

  "The name is Ethel Stormfeathers the Third," said the bird, giving a surprisingly agile bow before resuming to pick at the baubles like a common crow.

  "Uhm, it's nice to meet you, Ethel," said Alex as she used the firelight to analyze her campfire companion.

  Ethel Stormfeathers III, Great Raven, ??

  Didn't anyone tell you not to talk to strangers?

  You have gained a skill point: +1 Analyze

  "This is the proper moment when you introduce yourself," said Ethel.

  "I'm Alex, short for Alexandria," she said.

  "Like the library?" asked Ethel.

  "Sort of. Like the man who the library was named for," said Alex, then wrinkled her nose. "How do you know about that?"

  "A raven hears things," said Ethel as she shifted from foot to foot.

  "I take it you're not from the Warped Forest," said Alex.

  "A Great Raven would never lower themselves to such chimeric delights. We've already achieved the pinnacle of creaturehood," said Ethel, lifting her beak majestically while spreading her wings.

  Alex grabbed a handful of sticks, snapped them in her hands, and threw them into the fire, which was already crackling. While game designers had improved the NPCs considerably over the years, witty conversationalists they were not. Alex was intrigued by Ethel's verboseness—doubly so if she was a quest giver.

  "Sooo..
.is there anything you need help with?" asked Alex hopefully.

  "Fishing for quests? And here I thought you were a stand-up broad who'd come right out and ask," said Ethel.

  "Sorry, I'm still trying to figure out how this world works," said Alex.

  The Great Raven hopped around the fire, coming face-to-face with Alex, who was seated in the grass with her legs crossed. If the bird wanted to pluck an eye out there'd be nothing she could do about it.

  "There is this one thing, a very important thing, that I could use some help with," said Ethel, leaning close as if she were imparting a great secret.

  "What's that?" asked Alex, keeping her voice low, and when Ethel didn't say anything at first, she continued talking. "Is there a hunter bothering you? Or a great magical item you need retrieved?"

  The Great Raven tilted her head, staring back at Alex with her pebble-black eyes.

  "Hunter? Magical item? What do you think I am? Princess in disguise here? I'm a raven. I like shiny shit. You promise me all your worthless baubles and I might be convinced to come around from time to time," said Ethel, in a way that had Alex imagining a cigarette hanging from her lips.

  Quest Offered: Find 50 Worthless Baubles for Ethel (+500 XP / +100 reputation with Great Ravens) [Y/N]

  When she hit accept, another text box appeared:

  You have an indifferent reputation with Great Ravens

  When Alex brought up her quest tracker, she found the new item.

  Worthless Baubles given to Ethel: 0/50

  "Hey, how come I didn't get credit for the seven you picked out of the grass?" asked Alex.

  "Those were not given, but scavenged, thank you very much," said Ethel, adding a laugh-like caw. "Well, you have fun here in Camp Alexandria."

  Ethel took to flight, leaving Alex alone once more. She'd hoped the Great Raven might stay, give her some companionship, but it looked like she had more baubles to collect first. When she looked around, she found the bird had left a Shiny Black Feather, which Alex stored in the Handysack.

  Awake and alert, she practiced her water spells for an hour, poking around in the campfire while waiting for faez to regen. She managed another skill increase before getting sleepy enough to crawl back beneath the bushes.

  When she closed her eyes again, the realization that she wasn't home anymore hit her squarely in the gut. For the first eighteen years of her life, she'd lived in a little trailer in Kentucky, and while there had been struggles, especially after her dad died, she'd never felt alone. Between the online games and the nights sitting around the kitchen table playing board games with her parents, she'd always had someone to talk to.

  Now she was alone in a dark forest, hiding under a bush while trying to figure out how she was going to make progress in this impossible game. Suddenly, her bones ached with the desire to rush into her mom's room and curl up on the bed next to her while her mom played with her hair until she fell asleep. Even when things got bad between her and her mom, it was still home, a place you didn't have to figure out.

  It just was.

  Chapter Eleven

  Alex spent the next five weeks on the edges of the Warped Forest, grinding on the low-level mobs that she could take without endangering herself.

  The biggest challenge she had was finding enough creatures in the safer areas near the chasm that she was capable of killing. Whenever she got twitchy and tried to go further into the forest, she ran into something large and scary, and of a level that turned up ?? when she analyzed it.

  The only good thing that had come from her slow grind was that she'd used the time to establish her camp and work on the basics of Gamemakers Online. After the first night sleeping under a bush, she found a better spot with a spring-fed pond and a defensible hollow, which she bolstered with a spiked palisade.

  It felt more like a war zone than an adventure, surrounded by tall walls, but she needed her sleep each night if she wanted to hunt well the next day.

  The little shrew followed her to the camp, making appearances during the evenings. Alex took to capturing insects to feed the shrew, and in turn was rewarded with an occasional companion.

  "Do you have a name, my pointy-nosed friend?" she asked the shrew one night.

  The brown mammal lifted its little head and stared back at her as if it understood her question. On a whim, Alex analyzed the shrew again.

  Axomavillaratonii, critter, level 0

  "That's a mouthful," she said. "Would you mind if I just called you Axo?"

  To her surprise, Axo nodded.

  "You don't seem like you're from the Warped Forest. Did you get lost or choose to come here?"

  Axo squeaked, which could have meant any number of things, but then the critter made little jumps, followed by peering into the sky.

  "Hunted by hawks? I guess you came from the plains," said Alex.

  Axo nodded again.

  "Very shrewd of you to come here," said Alex, waiting for a reaction, but Axo stared back blankly.

  "Puns aren't your thing, huh? I used to groan at my dad's puns. At least until he died, and then I found out how much I missed them," said Alex.

  Axo rubbed its face with its tiny paws.

  "Thanks, Axo. But it's okay. I don't cry about it anymore." She raised an eyebrow. "Hey Axo, what does a gorilla wear to the beach?"

  The shrew stared back from its spot in the grass.

  "A donkey thong," said Alex, slapping her leg. "Oh, I kill me. Actually I kill mobs, but who's counting." She sighed. "See, this is what happens when you play solo for too long. You start telling bad jokes to critters. Anyway, night, Axo."

  #

  On the forty-fifth day since she'd been in Gamemakers Online, Alex had hunted down a pack of ferocious badgerpines. She'd been watching them for a few weeks, foraging for grubs in the undergrowth, but hadn't wanted to tackle them because the critters were level 5 and could shoot spikes over a dozen yards.

  Alex had been hunkered down in a blind waiting when she saw the first snaggle-toothed badgerpine waddling down the trail, four of its companions right behind it. When the first badgerpine reached a curve in the trail, Alex cut the rope, releasing the suspended logs that she'd prepared a few days before.

  You have hit a badgerpine for 29 damage with a BFL!

  You have hit a badgerpine for 15 damage with a BFL!

  You have gained a skill point: +1 Devious Device

  While she was excited about the damage, the real benefit was that the logs split the critters, giving her a chance to pick off the first before the others could join the fight.

  Alex leapt from behind the blind, striking the badgerpine with her spiked whip.

  You have hit a badgerpine for 14 damage! The badgerpine is affected by Bleed!

  As the badgerpine puffed up, readying a volley of spikes, Alex kicked a makeshift lever attached to a tree, which released a woven mat to fall between her and the creature. With a growling puff, the spikes imbedded into the grass mat.

  While the other creatures were still making their way through the underbrush towards her, Alex struck the first badgerpine two more times, killing it.

  You have gained experience: 50 XP

  Alex ran down the trail, expecting to find one badgerpine coming around the log, but a second appeared with the first, growling rabidly.

  Before it could launch a spike volley, Alex cast Dewdrop Orb on the lead badgerpine, capturing it. But she wasn't quick enough to avoid the second, and a spray of spikes hit her across the midsection.

  You have taken 6 damage!

  With a chunk of her health gone, she knew she couldn't take another hit. She retreated to the blind, drawing the badgerpine behind her. When it rambled into the space in a bowlegged trot, Alex pulled on a grass rope, which released a stacked pile of logs that cascaded into the badger and killed it instantly.

  You have gained experience: 50 XP

  Who do you think you are, Rambo?

  Chuckling at the reference, Alex climbed a nearby tree, using the notch
es she'd painstakingly burnt into its trunk. While she searched the undergrowth for the remaining critters, Alex reached into her Handysack for a Spicy Iguana Steak and quickly ate it.

  The game mechanics allowed her to practically inhale the food item, which was necessary for her to eat an eight ounce piece of meat in less than two seconds. Immediately, a fire formed in her gut, along with a "Now That's a Spicy Iguana!" icon near her health bar.

  The heat in her gut grew until beads of sweat broke out on her forehead. The first time she'd eaten one, it'd given her gas for days.

  When she saw a badgerpine waddling on the far side of the blind with the other a few paces behind, Alex made a quick recalculation and leapt, landing right in their path.

  The badgerpines startled but reacted quickly, puffing to send two volleys of quills into her, which could kill her even at full health.

  But Alex was quicker, releasing the lava-like substance from her gut in a torrent of fire and flames. It felt like she was a human volcano with indigestion. The two badgerpines were burnt to a crisp before even a single quill could be launched.

  You have gained experience: 50 XP

  You have gained experience: 50 XP

  Dracayrs!

  Once again, the game's love of pop culture made her laugh, though the chuckle came with a spicy belch. She knew little about Patron Dimple or Professor Marzio, but clearly they enjoyed peppering Gamemakers Online with references from the real world.

  As her shoulders relaxed in the exhaustion of victory, she heard a low growling from ten feet behind her. In that moment, she realized that the badgerpine from the Dewdrop Orb had managed to survive its watery suffocation and it was preparing to fill her back with deadly quills.