"And when Jason comes on those trailer visits you make it worth his while. You keep planning y'all future. Keep your toes and fingernails painted and your hair smelling clean. You show him that you're a good, educated woman, and I'll keep my eyes on that low, classless bitch!"
Cartier agreed with her mother. And she liked the idea of never mentioning Monya's name again while she was locked up. She knew it would be hard and almost kill her not to, but it was for the best. She didn't want to believe those two could swing an episode. The thought was repulsive. Monya knew Jason was all that Cartier had. Why would she want to take that away, especially after Cartier had given up her freedom for her? This was how she repaid her ... Cartier was mortified.
hile Cartier was busy planning her and Jason's future, she never fathomed the future would include a plus one so quickly. When the prison's RN told Cartier she was ten weeks pregnant, she didn't know how to take the news. As much as she wanted to be elated about having Jason's baby, the fact remained that their future together was sketchy at best. Additionally, she had all but given up on ever being released from prison. She was tired of being denied at every parole hearing and always for the same reason. But her prison record was stellar; not a blemish in almost seven years. Now she was pregnant, adding to her fear.
Cartier did as Trina said, and never mentioned Monya again. She even speculated that her mother knew more than she was saying, but she decided to leave it be, especially now. If Jason was fucking Monya, she was in prison and she couldn't control or worry about it. He could always explain away their sightings as business.
When Jason came to visit Cartier for their weekly visit, she was visibly sick. Jason took one look at her swollen breasts and flushed face, and knew instantly.
`Are you pregnant?" he asked.
Cartier shook her head. "I just found out yesterday."
"How far along are you?"
"I'm ten weeks ... how do you feel about that?"
"What's done is done," Jason replied nonchalantly.
Cartier was immediately sullen. It was as if she could do no right. She spoke with trepidation. "Are you not happy?" Her eyes displayed layers of hurt and anguish. She felt as though her whole marriage was falling apart.
Sensing her mood, Jason immediately perked up. "Of course I'm happy! You're having my daughter. I want her to look just like you." He gave Cartier a wet kiss on her forehead.
Cartier exhaled and actually smiled. It was the first time she'd felt good about anything in weeks. She knew the marriage was a huge mistake, but what was done was done. She wanted her marriage to work, even if it meant putting up with shit while she was still in prison.
"How do you know I'm not having your son?" she asked.
"I hope it's a girl," he said again. "What about you? You want a girl or boy?"
"Jason, I'm so scared," she said with genuine fear in her voice.
"About what?"
"The board denying my parole again. What will happen to our baby?"
"Stop talking crazy," Jason replied. He could hear the worry in her voice. "All you need to worry about is eating right and doing exercise, so you can deliver a healthy baby. They gonna let you up out of this joint. You done went to school and got your education. You're a model inmate. They only hit you with extra time to shake you up. But trust, you coming home soon."
Cartier was happy for the encouragement from Jason. That day he showed a glimpse of the old Jason she had grown to know and love.
wo weeks later, Cartier was astonished to see Monya sitting in the visiting room waiting for her. From a distance, Cartier could tell she looked slightly larger than she remembered, but surmised that they were no longer teenagers. Cartier didn't know how she should feel toward Monya. Were they still friends? Why had she abandoned her when she needed her the most? More importantly, was she sleeping with her husband. Cartier had so many questions going through her head, but the overwhelming feeling of joy superseded any ill feelings. Cartier actually missed and still loved Monya.
Monya didn't bother to stand as Cartier approached. Cartier sat down and the two faced each other. Cartier had a slight smile on her face, inviting conversation, but Monya's face was stone. Cartier quickly adopted Monya's mood.
"What are you doing here?" Cartier asked. "What do you want after all these years?"
"I came to talk to you," Monya replied in a serious tone. "Woman to woman. We got a few things that need to be sorted out."
Instantly, Cartier knew the rumors were true. She cut through the bullshit and was straight-up. "You really fucked my husband."
"Yup, I really did."
"You were my friend. I never thought dick would come between us."
"Jason isn't just a dick. He's a whole package who takes care of me very well."
"OK, he takes care of you. He takes care of me. We could go tit for tat, but the fact still remains, he married me and you're the angry mistress."
Monya glared, "Correction. I'm his baby momma...."
All the color drained from Cartier's face. She wanted to wrap her hands around Monya's throat and just squeeze. Immediately, she knew the reason for the visit. Monya came to provoke her. She knew Cartier was coming home soon, and Jason had probably told her that Cartier was pregnant. Cartier knew Monya wasn't lying. She could see the pregnancy all over her face and body.
"Congratulations, join the club," Cartier facetiously stated.
"Unfortunately for you, I'm in the first baby momma's club in a class all by myself. I'm nearly five months."
"And you came all the way up here to tell me that? You should have saved your gas money. I already got the memo. Jason told me," Cartier lied.
Now it was Monya's turn to lose color in her face. Jason told her he didn't want Cartier to know until after she came home. Maybe he broke down and told her beforehand ... Monya wasn't sure what to think.
Cartier had on a poker face, which irked Monya. She thought her exfriend would lash out and try to assault her. Scream all types of obscenities at her and denounce their friendship. Instead, she got a gleeful, well informed, bitch.
"Did he also tell you that he's filing for a divorce and we're getting married?"
"No, he never mentioned that. But he did say that you were delusional and gave good head."
"Great head. I give great head." The two adversaries eyed each other with hatred. Cartier wanted to ask Monya what had happened between them. How could the two of them, being as close as sisters, sit a few inches apart and loathe each other? If she had a hundred years to ponder the question, she was sure she still wouldn't come up with a viable answer. The situation had ripped Cartier apart internally, but she sat stoically until Monya abruptly ended the visit.
"I hope you got what you came for," Cartier yelled.
Monya just tossed up her middle finger and never looked back.
Inside her cell, Cartier purged her soul. She cried a wealth of emotions. She was confused and felt betrayed. Out of all the women Jason could have slept with, why did he have to sleep with Monya? And to sleep with her unprotected and get her pregnant. Another woman was having her husband's first born. Cartier felt trapped in a bad soap opera, only this was her reality. And for the first time since taking the rap, she wished she would have let Monya rot in jail.
That night, Cartier didn't feel like calling anyone. The next night she felt the same way. She just sat in her cell feeling sorry for herself. When Jason came for his usual visit, she had to pull herself together. Half of her didn't expect him to come. The other half of her was glad that he hadn't chosen Monya over her. Cartier kept her poker face on as she went and had a seat. Jason was extremely jovial. His demeanor plucked Cartier's nerve. But she was determined to keep it together.
"How's my baby?"Jason asked.
"Which one?"
"What you mean?" Jason asked, immediately sensing this would not be a good visit. He knew Monya had visited Cartier. When Cartier didn't call, he knew he was in deep shit. He wrestled with whether or not he sh
ould he, but thought against it. He wouldn't fully admit too much, but if he lied now when he was busted, only to be caught again in that same lie when Cartier came home, would be senseless.
"I mean, which baby are you asking about? Me or our baby," Cartier smiled and broke the ice. She knew he was ready for an argument, but she remembered what her mother told her. Don't make Monya an issue.
Jason's smile stretched half a mile. He was tickled she didn't want a confrontation.
"Both my babies. You and little Cee Cee."
"Little Cee Cee? You've already nicknamed our baby and you don't know what we're having?"
"You're having my baby girl, because I always get what I want."
Cartier wanted to say so badly that his behavior spoke louder than his words, but she chose to remain quiet. Although she spoke with a smile on her face, her eyes told her true feelings. They were dead and flat. The news about Jason and Monya sneaking around, coupled with the fact that Monya was carrying his firstborn, had truly killed her inside. The smarter part of her told her to never speak to Jason again and raise her baby on her own. The competitive side was saying, It's on, bitch. At the moment Cartier didn't know which side would win. Her head or her heart.
or a while, as the baby grew inside her, Cartier began to withdraw. The nurses had to warn her that she needed to eat to put on weight and nourish her child. Cartier tried, but it was too much. She couldn't pretend the situation with Jason and Monya wasn't affecting her. How long would she have to smile in his face and say nothing while he was out gallivanting with his mistress? He was her husband, and he'd already broken their vows and fucked up in the worst way.
Finally, Cartier couldn't take it anymore. When Jason came for their weekend trailer visit, she decided to have a heart-to-heart. They had a lot of things to talk about, mainly, who would keep the baby until she came home.
"I was thinking that my moms could take care of the baby," Jason said, "until you come home and we could take over."
"No, I don't really know your mother like that and I would feel better if my mother cared for our baby," Cartier countered.
"She already got two kids that she's struggling with," Jason said with attitude. "Besides, she be having them young niggas up there, ain't no telling what could happen to my baby. And I swear to God I will kill your mother if she ever let anything happen to my seed."
"Calm down," Cartier screamed. "You always losing your cool for no reason and acting like a kid. We're adults and we need to talk through situations. You yelling and acting all dumb with threats ain't gonna solve nothing."
"You right, but I needed to make my point," Jason defended himself
"It's still a point whether you scream it or speak it."
"Night, I got you. You don't gotta keep drilling me. So, what's up? Who's gonna watch the baby?"
"I still would prefer my mother," Cartier began explaining. "I've already asked her and told her she couldn't have company until I got home and that you'd give her money per month to help her with expenses. She said she thought that was a good idea"
"Is that what you really want?"
"Yes"
"Then, that's what it is"
"Good. Now we need to talk about you and your mistress"
That angle must have blindsided Jason, because his eyes stretched opened wide and he began babbling. It had been four months since Monya told Cartier about being pregnant and she never mentioned it once. Monya was due any day now and Jason actually began to believe Cartier wouldn't ever mention it.
"What are you talking about mistress?" he replied.
"Jason, please don't insult my intelligence. Your mistress. Monya. Your baby momma. We need to discuss that situation"
Jason exhaled. "What about it?"
"Before I step foot out of this jailhouse, you better end it," Cartier commanded. "I don't care when it started or why, nor do I care about her baby. But you better shut it down. Completely. If I come home and you're still seeing her, I will make you both regret that you ever betrayed me."
Cartier's words were filled with venom and laced with lies. She cared about it all. A part of her wanted to know all the seedy details. Who came on to whom first? Did they laugh at her? Were they in love? Did she fuck Jason better? She wanted to know that and more, but she wouldn't dare ask.
"Cartier, you right. And I'm sorry that-"
"Nah, it ain't that easy," she interrupted. "I don't want to hear your sorrys. I don't want to hear you beg and plead, and walk around here feeling sorry for yourself. I don't want you to make promises you don't intend to keep. You did that once before when you promised that you'd never betray me. Remember that?
"So I will never discuss this with you again. As I said, you will end that relationship, or I will. One way or another, your relationship with Monya will end."
Cartier was thinking crazy thoughts in her head as she sounded off about her husband's infidelities. As she spoke those words, she felt enough anger and rage to actually kill one or both of them for hurting her heart. At that moment, when she said shut it down or I will, she truly meant it.
This time, Trina was the bearer of bad news. Monya had had a healthy baby boy that she named, Jason Nicholas Payne, Jr. He was a junior. The thought repulsed Cartier. She didn't think the situation could feel any worse, but the news of the baby's birth was just as bad. She realized why Jason was pumping his fist for a baby girl. He already knew he was having a baby boy. Cartier wondered how she could love someone so much who hurt her so deeply. She had such big plans for their family and although she hated to admit it, Monya and Jason Jr. would be in their lives forever.
Whatever little tricks Monya was plotting would forever affect Cartier. Play dates, child support, sleepovers, daycare, birthdays, all would be compromised, because of her husband's infidelities. No matter how she sliced it, Monya would always remind Cartier she had her husband's firstborn and son. That was a double slap in the face.
That night, Cartier prayed for God to give her the strength to forgive those who hurt her most and to take away the regret she felt for standing up for Monya. She knew if the regret and disdain she had for Monya persisted, then it would kill her internally. It was already slowly tearing her up inside. She needed to let go of the past and begin to think about her future.
he sharp pain shooting through her backside was new for Cartier. She had never felt this bad before. The pain was worse than any menstrual cramp she'd ever experienced. She doubled over, clutching her stomach in agony. Within seconds, she was perspiring profusely. "H-h-help ... helpppp!" she managed to scream through her ordeal.
Her lower body felt as if it were on fire. Everything throbbed as she experienced sensations that were foreign to her. She wished her mother were there to rub her back and tell her everything was going to be all right.
She was happy when the guards showed up at her cell and took her to the prison infirmary. Now there was only the staff nurse and doctor, and they didn't tell her soothing words to comfort her or massage her aching back.
"You're a young girl. Push!" the nurse shouted, annoyed at Cartier's constant cries and complaints.
"It hurts!" Cartier screamed through her pain.
The nurse was disgusted. She didn't have any remorse for the convicted murderer getting knocked up in prison.
"It's supposed to hurt. You're birthing a child!" the nurse stated in a nasty tone.
Cartier couldn't understand where the nurse's anger was coming from, but she felt the disconnect with the elderly nurse. As much pain as she was in, she wished she could smack the bitch a time or two.
Eight hours later, Cartier gave birth to a healthy six pounds, five ounces baby girl. When the doctor placed her in Cartier's arms, she felt love. Her life finally had meaning and purpose. Cartier never expected to feel so emotional. Immediately, she began crying large tears as she continuously kissed the newborn's bald head.
"What shall I name you?" she asked her baby. The infant began to move around in her mother's arms. C
artier was so exhausted. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and go to sleep, but she couldn't. She only had a few hours with her baby before they took her away and she didn't want to waste one minute. Her heavy eyelids just stared at the little pink figure. Cartier studied her small fingers and toes, and examined her ears and the skin peeling from her body. Cartier tried in vain to see whom the little girl resembled, but it was too soon.
"What shall I name you?" Cartier asked again. After tossing around a few names in her head like Armani, Mercedes, Porsche, Cartier realized she didn't want to keep the tradition her mother had started. She wanted her daughter to be a good girl and have a chance at making a decent living. She was determined not to give her a name that would prevent her from having a professional job. She had seen the 60 Minutes and 48 Hours shows on TV about black folks being discriminated against in the professional workplace, because their names sounded too ethnic. And Armani and Mercedes definitely sounded black. Cartier smiled at her baby and thought that those names sounded more like a female swinging from a dancer's pole every night than one making business deals in a corporate boardroom.
"I bequeath you Christian Jane Payne," Cartier said to her newborn. Cartier liked the name. She liked that name very much, and she hoped that one day little Christian Jane Payne would like her name as well. It seemed like only seconds had passed before the nurse came in to take Christian away. Instantly, a deep depression set in Cartier's heart. She cried as the nurse nearly ripped the baby from her arms.
"I want my baby!" Cartier cried as she balled up her fists and then exploded in a fit of rage. She had to be sedated, which was something Cartier needed. The pressure had been intense for most of her pregnancy. At times, she wasn't sure if she would make it. She damned Jason and Monya for putting the extra stress on her during her pregnancy.
But as Cartier drifted off, she had good thoughts on her mind. She had delivered a blessing named Christian Jane Payne. Internally, she smiled as sleep called her name, a peaceful sleep.
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