Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1)

by Kristel, Courtney

  I cover my face in my hands and shake my head. “No, I’m not a virgin.” I drop my hands and stare past her while I admit for the first time to anyone besides Liv, “Jax and I used to sleep together.”

  “Wait, you’ve only fucked Jax?”

  God, she’s crude. I nod while I chew on my lower lip.

  She wiggles her eyebrows. “Recently?”

  I shrug. “A few months ago.”

  “Wow.”

  I nod. “Yeah.”

  I resume eating while Harper thinks about my sex life, no doubt. Hopefully she drops it, but I doubt I’ll be able to escape without telling her more. Her smile confirms my suspicions. I sigh as I wipe my mouth on a napkin.

  “When did you two start dating?”

  So we’re still on the Jax thing. I can’t blame her, if I was in her shoes I would be wondering the same thing. I bring the Heineken to my dry lips. I swallow a long pull of beer to help with the sudden desert forming in my throat.

  “We’ve never dated. It wasn’t like that for us. And no, before you ask, Logan doesn’t know anything about it.”

  “Okay, A, for effort. Really good try on not telling me the complete truth.” She claps her hands. “Bravo, it really was a nice try.” She applauds me again.

  Why am I friends with this chick again?

  “Seriously, though, what’s the real story?”

  I know that I have to tell her. She won’t let it go. Plus it might feel good getting this secret off my chest. I play with my napkin. I need to be doing something while we have this conversation. Things are about to get heavy. Heavier than she’s expecting. I decide to just lay it all on the table, no pretense.

  “Jax had a terrible childhood. Since I was nine, I would sneak him into my room at night. Over the years, our friendship turned into something more. He was my first kiss, my first love. The night before my sixteenth birthday, he flew back to California from NYU and surprised me. I lost my virginity under the stars to the man I loved that night.”

  I shiver as I remember him showering me with kisses to wake me up at midnight. It was the best gift he ever gave me.

  “Our entire relationship was a secret. I couldn’t tell anyone that I’d spent almost every night with Jax since we were children. He wouldn’t let me share his secret. We hid everything from my family. During the day he was just my best friend, but at night, in my room we were always more.”

  I grip my stomach as a painful memory ripples through me. I can’t grasp it, I don’t want to. Something in the back of mind warns me I’m not ready to remember, not yet. I shake the memories away and share the rest of our story to Harper.

  “Something happened to me six years ago, and no, I don’t want to talk about it. I lost myself and Jax along the way. For the last six years, I’ve shut down on everyone and everything.”

  Wow, not dark at all. It’s the truth, though, and I’m tired of hiding. It’s exhausting pretending to be somebody you’re not, always painting a smile on my face when all I want to do is scream.

  “I did the basics. Enough to get me through the day. I lived day-by-day. If you can count what I’ve been doing living. I shut myself out from the world and Jax for too long. I’ve always thought that I would end up with him, but he doesn’t want to be in the picture. Now I’m trying to find the person I used to be.” I shrug. “That’s my story.”

  “That’s just a chapter in your story, Addie. Your story isn’t finished yet.”

  We clink glasses in a toast. “To writing our stories.”

  Harper links her arm through mine as we leave the restaurant. I’m assaulted by the night chill as soon as she pushes through the door. Luckily Harper was smart enough to bring a jacket, me, not so much. I rub my hands up and down my arms for warmth and watch as she summons a cab. As I step closer to her for body warmth, I step in gum. Yuck. There’s a trashcan not two feet away. She supports my arm as I attempt to wipe the gum onto the grass.

  “I can’t stop thinking about what you said earlier,” she says while holding the cab door open.

  Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask. I’m not ready. Soon . . . Just not yet.

  “I understand feeling trapped, for wanting to find yourself. More than you know. I want you to understand that whatever happened to you six years ago changed you. You will never be the same person you once were. Remember that while you find yourself, Addie. Don’t focus on trying to be the girl you were, but be the woman you are now.”

  She wraps me into a tight hug. “I think that the woman you are now is inspiring. I think you’ve already found yourself. You just need to see what everyone else does.”

  My throat tightens from the sincerity of her words. All I can do is watch as she climbs into the cab in front of mine. The entire trip back to my apartment, I think about what she said to me.

  At the end of the week I meet Kohen for a movie night. We settle in our seats and he offers me his bag of popcorn. My disgusted face must be answer enough because he sets it in his lap again.

  “I’m a kettle corn person through and through,” I whisper, earning a chuckle from him.

  I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, but I choose to ignore it. I’ve come to realize that Kohen hates when I answer my phone on dates. I should have turned it off like I usually do, but I forgot. My mind is still elsewhere.

  I snatch my phone from my pocket to do just that. The opening credits are rolling in, and I don’t want to be the girl whose phone goes off during the movie. That girl sucks. I have every intention of turning it off without looking at my missed text but my thumb has other plans. Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m staring at the unanswered text from Jax. I gulp down my Pepsi as I read it.

  Jax: I miss you. Let me fix us, Ads. Come over.

  My heart stops working as I re-read the text. I’m so entrapped in it that I don’t even feel Kohen’s breath on my neck as he reads over my shoulder. Before what’s happening clicks into place, he rips my phone from my hands. All I can do is gape wide-eyed at Kohen as he slides my phone into his pocket. My mouth moves but no words emerge.

  He stands and holds his hand out for me.

  “What about the movie?” I ask stupidly.

  After a quick scan of the theater, he forcibly yanks me up by my hand. I glare at him as I sit back down. I make a point to appear comfortable even though my body hums in anger. How embarrassing! I can’t believe he’s acting like this over a text. Granted the text wasn’t the best, but it’s not like Jax confessed his undying love.

  “Get up, Adalynn.” Kohen commands quietly, but I don’t miss the threat in his tone.

  I raise an eyebrow. “You took me to the movies, so you can either sit down and enjoy it with me, or you can leave without me.” I shrug. “Your choice.”

  “Adalynn don—”

  “Kohen it’s simple, sit down and let’s enjoy the rest of our night. You’re making a bigger deal out of this than there needs to be.” I tug on his jeans. “Please don’t ruin our night because my friend, who I haven’t seen in a few months, said he misses me. It’s not what you think.”

  I’m surprised nobody has yelled at him for blocking the screen. As if reading my mind, Kohen glances around the darken theater again. He huffs loudly and settles in a chair two seats away from me. Mature.

  The movie starts before I can demand my phone back. Wanting to change the night around, I lean over to caress his hand with the tips of my fingers. He turns his head to me and shoots me a glare before facing the screen. I roll my eyes as I adjust myself in the chair.

  If someone were to ask me what the movie was about, I couldn’t tell them a single thing. It could have been in a foreign language and I wouldn’t have known any better. Because instead of enjoying the new comedy, I focused on the fact that Kohen made no move to sit next to me. He acted as if I wasn’t even there. He’s punishing me for something I have no control over. It’s not like I can tell Jax, someone who’s been in my life for sixteen years, that he can’t text me.

 
Silence fills the ride home. He keeps me tucked under his arm in the backseat. Every time I ask if wants to talk about it, he ignores me. When the cab pulls up to our apartment building Kohen tosses cash onto the seat and jerks me out of the taxi. Actually fucking tugs me out of it. This has to be about more than Jax just texting me. Looks like I won’t have to wait too long to get to the bottom of it. After dragging me through the lobby and into the elevator, Kohen pushes me against the nearest wall.

  “Are you going to tell me why you lied to me?”

  “I didn’t . . .” I trail off at the pressure of his fingers digging into my skin.

  “DO. NOT. LIE. TO. ME.”

  With each word, he squeezes me harder. I nod but don’t say anything. I don’t know what to say.

  “What’s really going on with you and Jax?”

  “Nothing!” I say, glad that I can tell the truth.

  He squeezes me tighter. I force myself not to react. I’m used to pain. I’ve inflicted pain on myself. This is nothing. I can handle this. I can handle Kohen when he’s irrationally upset over nothing. Well, not nothing since I’m the reason why he’s jealous in the first place.

  “I’ve been hanging out with you more and Jax has been busy with work. We keep missing each other when I go to dinner with Logan and Connor. We’ve been friends for sixteen years, he’s my brother’s best friend. He’s always going to be in my life. The sooner you realize this, the better for us. I will not put up with you acting like this.”

  His dark blue stormy eyes soften and I know he believes my lies. He blinks as if finally realizing he has me pinned against the wall of the elevator. He releases me and steps back.

  “Adalynn, I’m so sorry, baby. I . . . I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please believe me.”

  He lightly runs his fingers over my fresh bruises, then covers my cheeks with his hands. “I could never hurt you, Adalynn. I love you.” He trails kisses down my nose to my lips. “I love you so much, Adalynn. I’m so so sorry, baby.”

  The pain in his voice hurts me more than the bruises. I know all about doing something you wish you could take back, but you can’t. I know all about hurting the people you love the most. I know all about wanting to change the impossible. I feel his pain as if it’s my own.

  I stroke my hands up and down his strong chest. His muscles tense underneath my hands. I stare up at his handsome face so he believes what I have to say.

  “I know, I know you didn’t mean it. You didn’t hurt me. You could never really hurt me Kohen.”

  I lean up on my tiptoes, pull his head down with my hands and bring his lips to mine. In this one kiss I convey that we are all right, that I don’t blame him, and I’m not mad at him. We separate from each other when the elevator opens on my floor.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  He attention fixes on my bruises. I need to make him feel better. If he leaves like this he will only focus on the bruises, on hurting me. I don’t want that. I want to invite him in, to stay the night, but I think it would be best if we slept at our own places tonight. Not because I think I’m afraid of him, but because I think he needs time to himself. Another reason I don’t invite him in is because as much as I try to hide it, whenever he’s in my apartment I feel like I’m betraying Jax.

  I’m ridiculous, I know.

  I give him a long hug. I know he needs this reassurance before he goes back to his place. I force myself to relax into his embrace, something that’s harder to do than normal.

  He kisses the top of my head. “I better go.”

  I nod against his chest. After another minute of being in each other’s arms, he gently scoots away. Instead of kissing me in a way that will make my toes curl, he barely brushes his lips against mine.

  “I love you, Adalynn. Never forget that.”

  I remain silent. I don’t feel the same. He retreats into the elevator without another word.

  A few minutes later, I do my nightly routine. I avoid the mirror. I do not want to see the bruises taking residence on my forearms. I can feel them. I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing. Before I crawl into bed, I delete Jax’s text thread. I’m moving on with Kohen, I don’t need my past with Jax interfering with my present. Suddenly feeling as if all my energy has been stolen away, I’m pulled into a dreamless sleep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The next morning as I’m dressing, I stand transfixed, staring at the bluish bruise of Kohen’s fingerprints on my forearms. I lightly touch the bruise. It’s tender, but not as bad as it looks. My relief is short-lived when I realize that I’ll have to wear something to cover it up.

  With heavy footsteps, I sort through every blouse I have, which is a lot. After five minutes of eyeing the dress I really want to wear today, I select my creme pencil skirt and my Diane Von Furstenberg deep green long sleeve blouse.

  “This will have to do.” I say a silent goodbye to the dress.

  Spreading everything out, I change into a La Perla matching bra and panty set that are white with a gold lace trim. I’m feeling better about my outfit choice already as I slid the bra into place. This see-through number is one of my favorites.

  At work, I’m busy typing an email when I feel someone staring at me. Glancing up, I spot Kohen walking towards my office with a exquisite bouquet of red tulips. I ignore the curious glances coming our way, and meet him at my glass door.

  “What are these for?” I breathe them in. “They’re lovely!”

  He gives me a quick peck on my cheek. “They’re incentive for a beautiful brunette to go to lunch with me.”

  I glance down at my watch. He’s just in time. “Okay, give me a minute to finish everything up here. Then I’m all yours.”

  I let my boss know that I’m heading to lunch and give a quick wave to Harper as we pass her office on our way to the elevator. She barely notices us as she taps her keyboard. It’s a busy day for her. I make a mental note to bring her back something.

  Kohen interlaces our fingers together as we stroll to a nearby sushi place. He hasn’t said much since we’ve left Malcara Enterprises. As we take our seats in the crowded restaurant, I break the silence.

  “Are we okay?”

  He lets out a long breath. “I should be asking you that.” He runs his hand roughly down his face. “I’m so sorry, Adalynn. I can’t believe I did that. I never intended to hurt you. I promise that I—”

  I cover his mouth with my fingers. “Stop, Kohen. I told you last night, you have nothing to be sorry for and I meant it. Believe me. I’m fine.” I slide my fingers from his lips to caress his cheek. “You. Did. Not. Hurt. Me.”

  It takes a while for him to give me his first real smile since he showed up at my work. I give him a lingering kiss on the lips and turn my attention to the menu.

  “Great, now feed me. I’m starving!”

  He follows my lead and picks up the menu. “Your wish is my command.”

  After an enjoyable lunch, I head toward the restroom. I can’t help but notice that most women keep stealing glances at our table. I doubt that they’re staring at our empty plates. I love that he is oblivious to everyone in the restaurant. His sole focus is me, always me. He makes me feel cherished.

  I’m fully aware of the cheesy smile threatening to split my face in two when I walk into the bathroom. I ignore the two women checking themselves out in the mirror and go about my business. They talk about the usual things ladies discuss in the bathroom.

  “Do you like my hair this color or do you think I should go back to being blonde?”

  I ignore their conversation while I wash my hands.

  “He has the most striking green eyes I’ve ever seen.”

  I, of course, think of the green-eyed man that I know. As I dry my hands, I hear something else that makes me stop. Turning, I face the one who just mentioned Trinity.

  “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear you.” Because you’re louder than a blow-horn. “You wouldn’t happen to be talking about a man named Jaxon,
would you?”

  She immediately sizes me up. I do the same. I hate that her hair is practically the identical color as mine. Yes, she should go back to being a blonde. She does not pull off being a brunette well. Scratch that, she should keep it. She could stand putting on a few pounds. I’m sure if she turns too quickly she might snap in two. Would that be a bad thing? Her stupid skinny jeans and low cut shirt that shows off her ample breasts, make me want to throw something at her.

  My eyes blaze as I stare at her, unwilling to back down. I need to know I’m paranoid and that the world doesn’t revolve around Jax. Well, besides my world that is. Thankfully her friend pities me and turns her attention from her phone to me.

  “I believe his last name is Chandler, but I’m not sure. Why? Are you his girlfriend or something?”

  Both of them check my left hand for the ring they won’t find. I laugh, but I’m dying inside. “Oh no, nothing like that. He’s my brother’s friend. That’s it. I was just wondering.”

  Wow, small world. Out of all the restaurants in New York, I have to be at the place where one of Jax’s one night stands shows up. Wonderful. Today just keeps getting better. As she flicks her hair over her shoulder, I realize that I’ve seen her before. I squint to make sure. About two months ago, I saw her leaving Jax’s office. Has he been seeing her all this time? What about everything that happened between us? Did he leave me to choose her? Sweat bathes my forehead. I might be sick.

  “Oh wow! Do you know what his favorite food is? I’m planning on surprising him with dinner tonight.” She holds up a white card, his penthouse access card, and my heart breaks a little more. “We’ve been together a while, but his food preference hasn’t come up before.” Her friend snickers, making my no longer beating heart crack a little more. The slut continues to talk, unaware of the silent agony she’s putting me through. “I thought he would love the surprise with how busy he’s been with work this week.”

  Over-share much? I concentrate on not lashing out at her. I can’t figure out why it would be such a horrible idea to bash her face into the mirror. Ah, her friend. Witness. Don’t need that. I swallow the huge lump in my throat.