Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1)
Page 37
“Besides, I want to go out with them. It’s our weekly dinner and I’m not—”
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?” Kohen screams with disgust in his eyes.
“Excuse me?” I ask, while rubbing my hands down the dress.
He marches to my side, seizes my forearm and practically shoves me back into my closet. “You are NOT wearing that!” Kohen says while rifling through my clothes.
I know I should keep my mouth shut. Kohen is shaking in rage. But I don’t. “Last time I checked, you’re not my father. You will not tell me what I can and can’t wear!”
“You’re not going out dressed like that!”
“Like what?”
“A slut!” Kohen hurls a long sleeve top and a pair of jeans at me.
He is so fucking lucky that the clothes landed at me feet and not my face. I would’ve snapped if they hit me.
“A slut? Because my ass is hanging out, right?” I turn my head to look at my butt. “Oh wait, the dress goes to my knees! Wow, I’m such a slut! I can’t believe I’m not on the corner right now.”
“It’s not the length that’s the problem. Now go get some actual fucking clothes on. You’re not leaving dressed like that and tomorrow I’m going to go through your clothes for you.”
I just laugh. Which of course is opposite of what I should be doing based on his fist closing like he wants to hit something. Kohen stomps over to me.
“YOU. WILL. NOT. DRESS. LIKE. A. FUCKING. SLUT.” Lacing each word with disgust, he squeezes my forearms tighter.
Shut up Addie! Now is not the time to talk to him. Wait until he calms down. That little voice begs me to be quiet.
“Let go of me,” I say calmly even though I want to shout.
He doesn’t let go. He continues to stare at the offensive dress as if he can magically change my outfit with his eyes.
“Now, Kohen!”
Kohen takes a few deep breaths and I can see him the tension leaving his body. He releases me. I don’t even need to see the bruises his hands left. I can feel them. I maneuver closer to the door. He probably won’t touch me again like that, but I don’t want to risk it. He’s in control again, but I’d rather be close to an escape just in case.
“You will not dictate what I wear. I am not a slut, nor do I dress like one. I’ve only slept with one person, for crying out loud.”
Kohen’s face turns a little green and he’s breathing deeper as if trying not to throw up. Hopefully it’s because he just realized how he’s acting and not because I’ve slept with someone that isn’t him.
“If you ever, and I mean ever try to tell me what I can and can’t wear, we will be done. I’m a grown woman and if I want to walk outside naked, I will walk outside fucking naked and you will say nothing about it!”
“Adalynn—”
I cut him off. I do not want to hear how sorry he is right now. He needs to leave so I can have some much needed space. He just ruined a perfect day for no reason. I know he’s sorry, I know he wasn’t fully aware what he was doing or saying. But it doesn’t change the fact that I want him to leave. Now.
“I think you should go,” I say quietly before picking up my discarded flats.
Kohen jerks me in for a hug, but I back away.
“Ad—”
“No, you need to leave. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I know you’re sorry. It’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it. I need to leave. I’m already going to be late.”
I don’t even wait for a response. I stomp into my closet, angry that I have to throw on a cardigan to hide the bruises on my arm. My front door opens and closes and I sigh in relief. He can apologize all he wants tomorrow. Tonight I need a break from him and his irrational jealousy.
All frustration leaves the second I see my brother at the restaurant.
“Late as always.” Logan says while stepping out of the booth to give me a hug.
“Name one time,” I demand.
“I can name more than one time for every single day that I’ve known you,” Connor pipes up while embracing me.
“You’re annoying. Remind me why you’re here again?”
“Because you love me and I know you’re going to need your fix before I leave?”
“My fix?” I ask.
“Of seeing my good looks.” He turns around and wiggles his butt. “Oh and my ass, I know how much you can’t keep your eyes off it.”
Logan groans. I pretend to gag.
“Hurry up and sit down before we’re forced to leave.”
Connor fakes having a heart attack. “How you wound me.”
“Shut up,” I plead.
“Beautiful dress.” Connor says when he finally sits down besides me.
“Thanks, this ugly guy that can never take a hint got it for me.” I wink.
Connor raises an eyebrow. “Fine, see if I bring you back anything.”
That’s the second time Connor has mentioned something about leaving. I look from him to my brother. Both are grinning.
“Good news?” I ask, already knowing it is.
Both nod, not giving anything away. Fine. I’ll play along. I grab my glass of water and pretend to pull a Harper on Connor.
“Okay, okay, relax, Addie,” Connor says hastily.
Good move on his part. I’m not in the mood to play games tonight.
“We’re going to London,” Connor says at the same time Logan says, “We got the deal!”
I tell both of them how I’m not surprised. What’s the deal for? I have no idea. But what kind of sister would I be to ask questions on something that I should already know? Which of course makes me feel guilty. I’ve been so occupied in my own drama that I have neglected my brother.
“How long will you guys be gone?” I ask, hoping that they didn’t already tell me.
Logan rubs his jaw. Not good. Connor is the one that answers. “Two weeks.”
I can’t help the panic that is starting to take over. I can barely even remember the last time my brother left the country without me. When he was in college and I still had our family.
“I’m not leaving for two days,” Logan says, sensing my unease.
“I’ll be fine.” I don’t know if I say it for my brother’s benefit or mine.
An hour later they’re dropping me off, promising to call every day. Which of course I tell them not to do. I don’t need my brother or Connor worrying about me. I’ll be fine.
Two weeks.
Fourteen days.
The thought is both thrilling and nerve-racking.
Whenever Logan leaves, it’s always as short as possible and he either has Connor or Jax keeping me occupied. Connor is out since he’s going which only means Jax. I feel dizzy until I force myself to suck in oxygen. Logan wouldn’t do that to me. He wouldn’t make Jax keep tabs on me again. No, he can’t. He knows we’re not on good terms. Overprotective doesn’t even begin to describe him.
Fuck!
Chapter Twenty-Six
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, Addie,” Liv says. “I’m here for whatever you need. If you want to talk about the weather for the next hour, I’m all ears. However, you need to open up to someone. Once you do, you’ll feel better. Maybe not at first, but eventually.”
“Day-by-day right?” I ask, repeating that stupid saying Liv’s always says to me.
She nods. “Day-by-day.”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Start with whatever you want to tell me.”
Glancing down, I immediately force my finger to stop drawing random designs on my thigh. I wasn’t even aware I was doing that. It’s something that I’ve always done when I’m too stressed out, close to my breaking point. It helps calm me down. Where did I pick up this habit?
I think back, trying to remember the first time I started doing this. I was still swimming because I remember drawing random patterns on kick-boards. So it was before the accident if I was still swimming. Hmmm. I remember crying in the dark and feeling
someone drawing on me with their finger.
Jax.
I was crying for Jax. I couldn’t stop picturing him on the floor bleeding because of Wyatt. He didn’t know how to make me stop so he helped me into bed, and drew random things on my back with his finger tips until I fell asleep. He still does it. I get flashes of him doing it whenever I’ve been nervous, scared, or needed him. While I was in the hospital, underneath the table at a charity event, while he tutored me. The flashes go on and on. Then, as if I can’t help myself, I replay every time he would draw on my naked back with a sharpie. Despite everything, he’s still my strength. Remembering our time together helps me open up to Liv about the night that changed my entire life.
“Arguing, I remember arguing with my mom and dad.”
Liv doesn’t say anything. I know she’s giving me time to gather my thoughts and emotions. I’ve never talked about the accident before. For six long years, I’ve been quiet. It has been easier to not relive that night. I wish that with time, the memory had blurred, but if anything it has only gotten sharper.
I can remember every little detail: the pain, the smells, the cries, the emptiness from not being able to do anything but listen to them die. I never once believed I would be able to talk about that night. I promised myself I wouldn’t. I thought reliving that night would kill me. Hopefully I’m stronger than I realized and I can talk about that dreadful night that changed everything without losing myself again.
“They wanted to know something.” I rub my flat stomach. “I can’t remember what, though. I was yelling at them to drop it. It was my decision to keep the secret.”
I close my eyes trying to recall the details of the fight. Something tears at my brain, begging me to let it in. I shake my head, tossing away the painful memory before I can grasp it. I’m choosing to forget something important.
“I can’t remember why I was screaming at them to leave me alone.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
I shrug in answer. I massage my temples and try with everything in me to recall the fight. Jax. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop picturing his face. As much as it’s killing me to not ask Liv, I can’t. I know I’m not ready for those answers yet. Instead I let myself block out something vitally important. I tell Liv as much as I can recall about the fight. Putting the pieces together as I talk, but still having gaps in the puzzle that’s my life.
“I was so mad at them. They told me I had to tell them the truth, or I had to leave. They were going to cut me off until I told them everything. I kept yelling at them because they were being so unfair. They promised they would give me more time. They lied. Hadley squeezed my hand to try to calm me down, but I yanked my hand away and moved from the middle seat to the one next to the window so I wasn’t next to her anymore. I wanted to be left alone. Funny, I got what I wished for.”
I pick up a glass of water and force it down my too-tight throat. I wish I could forget the harsh words I said to my parents, but those words are forever engraved in my mind.
“We were about a mile away from our house when I saw the lights. Everything seemed to slow down but speed up all at once. Hadley was holding out her earphones to me with the most welcoming smile I’ve ever seen, our mom looked like she was crying, and my dad was silent and staring at me in the rearview mirror, trying to get me to look at him. I refused to meet his eyes because I was afraid of what I would see, so I looked out the window at the headlights that were coming in the wrong direction.”
I’m aware that I am drawing patterns on my hand. I wouldn’t be able to stop even if I wanted to . . . I need the calm that Jax brings, like I need oxygen.
“I tried to yell at my dad to stop, but nothing came out. I watched horrified as the lights grew closer and closer. Blinding me. I heard the impact more than felt it. I think I was still in shock and the pain didn’t register yet. I can still hear the sound of my dad’s head hitting the window and glass shattering.”
I hear the sound as clear as I can hear myself breathing. I have the sudden urge to throw up. I swallow the acid rising up my throat. I need to get this out more than anything. The words are spilling out on their own accord without any thought on my part. It’s liberating in the most painful way imaginable.
“When our car went airborne, that’s when the screaming started. Everyone was screaming except for my dad. I still have nightmares of the silence when the car finally stopped in the ditch. Then the ringing started. I tried to cover my ears to shut the noise off because it was so loud and it was hurting my head, but my hands weren’t working. I forgot that we were in a car accident. The smell of rubber confused me because I thought I was asleep somewhere in my house. I knew I wasn’t in my bed, but I didn’t know where I was.
“I kept trying to open my eyes, but every time I got close to opening them, I was out again, only to be awoken by the ringing again. I don’t know how long I was like that until I was finally able to open them. The sight was so horrible that I immediately started to scream. I was in my worst nightmare and I knew no matter how many times I closed and reopened my eyes, the scene in front of me wouldn’t change. My family was dying and there was nothing I could do but watch.”
Not being able to sit still, I head over to the window. A man walks his dog and across the street a couple hold hands as they wait for a taxi. I would guess teenagers. They don’t seem any older than seventeen. Fitting. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was seventeen without a care in the world. Then everything changed. Like everything always does. The worst that could happen had happened and there was nothing I could do but watch. I hated being helpless. I never want to feel powerless again.
That’s why I know no matter how I feel after talking with Liv, that I will be okay. I won’t be fine, but I’ll survive. I’ll keep living, breathing, because they can’t. I won’t just sit back and watch my life unveil before my eyes. I will always be a participant in life. I won’t give up. No more watching. Never again.
With newfound calm, I’m able to step away from the window and sit back down on the couch. I hug the pillow to my chest again. It’s a small comfort that I need right now. I give Liv a small smile so she knows that I’m okay. She’s so patient with me, pushes me when I need it. She understands me. The other therapists didn’t. They always tried to fix me. They never let me realize that I had to fix myself. Nobody can fix me; Liv just helps me see the pieces that are ready to be put back together.
“Do you want to talk some more, or save the rest for another day?” Liv asks.
“Continue. I need to get it out. It’s strange, I never thought I would be able to talk about it, but now that I am, I know I need to get it all out, or I won’t be able to.”
Liv nods in understanding.
“When I realized that screaming wasn’t going to stop time, I tried to get out of my seat to get help. I could see the blood dripping down my legs and onto the floor. My right hand wasn’t working because it was broken and dislocated and my left arm was stuck. It felt like hours until I was finally able to free my left arm. I broke my thumb and three fingers in the process of getting my hand unstuck between my seat and the door. I didn’t even feel the pain. I pushed it all aside so I could reach Hadley. She didn’t stir once. I could see that my mom was starting to come to, so I called out to her.”
The memory is so vivid that I’m reeled back into the past. I don’t fight it like I usually do. I need to relive it one more time to be able to move on.
“Mom!” I yell, trying frantically to unbuckle my seatbelt.
“Add—” she whispers, but stops as if just moving her mouth causes her too much pain.
“I can’t . . . I can’t get out. My seatbelt is stuck! Can you move? Can you see Dad? Hadley isn’t moving!”
“Ad—” She tries again, but stops.
I wait for her to say something else, but she doesn’t. I panic all over again. She’s not stirring. If I lean as far forward as the seatbelt will allow, I can barely see the rise and fall of her chest.
“Hadley.”
Nothing. Absolute silence.
“Hadley!” I yell louder.
More silence.
My eyelids feel heavy. I know I only have a few more seconds before sleep takes over. I fight it, fearing that if I close my eyes now, I won’t be able to open them again. My mom’s voice is the strength I need to keep my eyes open and keep fighting.
“I’ll always love you my sweet beautiful girl. I-I—”
“Don’t talk, Mom. Save your strength. I know you love me. I love you so much. I’m so—”
“You have nothing to be sorry for . . . Be the person that I raised . . . I’m so proud of the woman . . . that you’re becoming.”
She starts coughing, the kind of coughing that sounds like she’s choking. The sound alone makes my heart stop. It’s the red dots flying on the dashboard that have me screaming in terror. Blood. My mom is coughing up blood and the only thing I can do is sit here and watch her suffer.
When she finally stops coughing, she speaks again. I know that this is the last time I will ever hear her voice. With each word, I can tell how much pain she’s in and how much effort she expends to say words that most people take for granted. Nobody ever realizes how much they take for granted until it’s too late. Even words.
“Hadley will . . . need . . . you. Be strong for her. Tell Logan . . . how much I love him. Never forget . . . how much I love . . . you three.”
“Mom!” I cry.
“Shh you’ll . . . be . . . fine without . . . me sweetie.” She whispers so quietly I barely can hear her.
“Mom, don’t. I’m so sorry!”
I start screaming again. I scream for her to say more, but she never does. I stare at her unmoving body. I don’t know how much time passes until I finally break. My mom is gone and it’s all my fault.