Killing Time: The Realms Book 1.5 - (A Humorously Epic LitRPG Adventure)

by C. M. Carney

  “Drop your swords now or the priest gets a brain full of steel,” said the last man, who’d snuck up on me while his friends were being slaughtered. I felt the cold point of a dagger ease into my ear canal and froze. I raised my hands. “Now buddy, why don’t you let me go? This whole thing has nothing to do with me.”

  “Oh Lex, you couldn’t be more wrong,” she said. “This has everything to do with you.”

  “Dammit woman, I’m trying to live here. Can ya keep your damned yapper shut?”

  “You’ve got this Lex. I believe in you,” she said, and leaned on one leg, placing her sword over her shoulder in a far too casual manner for my taste.

  “What?” I said stupidly.

  “You just need to use your head.”

  My eyes widened as I caught her meaning. She can’t be serious. She nodded in a manner that suggested she was reading my thoughts. A plan, a very idiotic plan, formulated in my mind.

  “Shut up, both of you. I just want to go home. I didn’t even like those guys,” the man with the brain skewer said. “Back off and give me your word you won’t hurt me, and I’ll let him go.”

  The woman looked at him for a moment and then winked at me. “Nah, don’t think so.”

  “Shit,” I said and the man’s arm shook. He knew he was about to die and I could almost hear the marbles rattling around in his brain as he decided to take me with him.

  My mouth had gotten me into this predicament. Maybe she was right; maybe my head could get me out of it. I tensed my legs and leapt upwards with all my might. The blade sliced through the lower part of my earlobe a split second before the top of my head impacted the man’s jaw. I felt, or heard, not sure which, bone crack and teeth clatter and the man dropped the dagger. I spun and punched him in the face. He stumbled backwards, falling into a puddle.

  I stared down at him and some deep rooted fury took ahold of me. Before I knew it, my war hammer was in my hands and I’d charged the head with Spirit energy. The golden glow seemed almost holy as if I was a scourge of the gods. The man’s eyes locked onto mine and I could see that he knew I would kill him. To be fair, I hadn’t quite realized that was my intention, but apparently everyone is capable of murderous rage if pushed hard enough.

  The man’s hand flashed to the hilt of another dagger at his waist and I let go of my hesitation. I brought the hammer down onto his head with a thunderclap of energy. As the sound rolled away and returned as an echo, I looked down on the man's battered corpse. A torso with a massive exploded head that looked like it had been stretched in silly putty. The blink of an incoming prompt broke my stare.

  You have earned 875 XP for slaying an Aegyptian Goon

  You have earned 3,256 XP from The Agent’s Adventuring Party.

  You have reached Level 2.

  You have 5 unused Attribute Points.

  You have 1 unused Perk Point.

  “Cool, experience,” I muttered as my rage abated. I shook, as the shock of what I’d just done bit into me. I felt a light hand on my shoulder and looked to see the woman smiling at me.

  “Well done,” she said.

  “There’s a bump on my head,” I said and felt stupid for it.

  “I’m sure kid. But we should go. Only a matter of time before the constables show up, and I’ve had my fill of killing for tonight.”

  “You sure?” I said, looking around at the arrayed corpses. She seemed to consider my question, nodded in the affirmative, and then trilled a birdcall so accurate that I almost didn’t believe it was coming from her, even while I watched her pursed lips making the sound.

  Elves are cool.

  From further down the alley three tough looking men emerged from the shadows. Each one looked more deadly than the last. “These are my friends,” she said.

  “You had pals and did this by yourself?” She gave me a look that asked ‘did it look like I needed help?’ I shrugged. “Okay then, now what?” I asked, giving the men a sideways glance. This whole thing was making me nervous.

  “We get to the edge of town and then we’re out of here,” she said.

  Two of the silent men took point, and another stepped in behind me. I looked around and my mind went to dark places. Who was this woman? Could I trust her? She turned without another word and walked from the alley. With no other idea of what to do, I followed. We walked in silence. Several homes and buildings had lit candles or lanterns behind barred windows, but nobody seemed curious enough to open them. It seemed townsfolk in the Realms were the same as elsewhere, ignore the sounds of trouble, lock the doors and hope the cops handle it.

  Time passed and the debuffs I’d accrued from my beating wore off. I felt a lot better as my Attributes returned to normal, but the return of my mental faculties came with suspicious thoughts.

  “So, where’s Gryph?” I asked. There was something that had been bugging me for a while. This Agent was a complete badass, but also a psychotic nutbag. She just didn’t seem like the kind of gal that Gryph would send to find me. And why hadn’t he come himself?

  We reached the edge of town where an arched stone bridge crested a river. I stopped as serious feelings of anxiety crested in me. One man stopped mere inches behind me, invading my personal space. “Dude, don’t do that.” He just stared at me. “Um, what’s with Lurch here?”

  “He’s mute. They’re all mute. I find that to be very helpful in my line of work.”

  “And just what is your line of work?” I asked, as my suspicion grew to apprehension. Something just wasn’t right with any of this. She ignored the question and walked across the bridge. The river wasn’t wide, but the current was full of eddies and strong swirls.

  Lurch stepped in behind me, way too close for comfort. I got the hint and followed the small elf woman. “I don’t even know your name.”

  “Agent works for now. Anonymity is also very helpful in my line of work.”

  “And what is your line of work?” I asked again.

  She stopped in the middle of the bridge and turned on me. “Lets just say I find people who don’t want to be found.”

  I came to an abrupt halt and felt Lurch, well, lurching over me again. The other two took up flanking positions. “Who said I didn’t want to be found?” She smiled a grin that would have been arousing if I didn’t already know she really, really enjoyed killing people. “Gryph didn’t send you,” I said.

  “No. No he did not,” she said and a small pout crossed her lips as she saw my jaw clench. “I said a friend sent me. I didn’t say it was your friend.” Hands snatched and held my wrists in an iron grip and I felt a rope bind them. I struggled, but could not budge the massive mute’s grip and I knew it was time to panic. Yeah, yeah I know what you’re thinking. What took you so long dude? But, ya gotta cut me some slack. It was my first day of being alive and I was hammered.

  I’m sucking at life.

  The Agent walked up. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” she said.

  “Wow, kinda cliche, don’t ya think? Next thing you’re gonna give me a muahahaha laugh.”

  She cocked her head to the side and gave me a quizzical look. “You’re an odd one, you know that? I’ve never seen a banner NPC with so much personality. Usually you guys are monotone sticks in the mud who take weeks to become interesting. Why are you so different?”

  I shrugged my shoulders and gave her a look I imagined was tough. “I’m special. Many people have said so.” I immediately felt like an idiot. I wasn’t making much of an impression here. It was time to get answers. “What is it you want?”

  “Tell me where your Gryph is?”

  Of course she wanted Gryph. She had no real interest in me. See, I’m Gryph’s banner NPC, so besides lots of cool benefits, like being his automatic BFF, the gig comes with some pretty cool perks. One being that I can always sense where he is even if he's thousands of miles away. I’m like a Gryph detector, or maybe a Gryph GPS. There was just one problem, I couldn’t feel him, hadn’t been able to since I arrived in this crap to
wn. At first I thought it might be due to whatever debuffs Aluran had shocked me with, but after they faded I still couldn’t feel him.

  “Why do ya wanna know?” I said, in fear and annoyance.

  She looked at me and with a flick of her wrist, she suddenly held a thin dirk in her hand. “So you’re choosing the hard way?” She walked up and Lurch held me tighter.

  “Hold on, hold on,” I said in panic and she stopped a few feet from me. “I don’t know where he is, really and truly. I haven’t been able to sense him since I arrived here. Why do you think I’ve been drinking?”

  She stared at me for several thunderous heartbeats as if she were trying to extract information from my mind. I panicked for a moment. Was this nut job a Thought magician?

  The Agent pulled a small glowing stone from her pouch and held it in her palm. “Do you know what this is?”

  “A small, glowy pebble,” I said, hiding my fear with sarcasm.

  She grinned, and I got the sense that she found me amusing. That made me feel warm and fuzzy, but then I remembered she was a psychotic murderer and a chill chased the warmth away. “It’s a port stone. A one-time use magic item that will open a portal to anywhere my little heart desires.”

  “Does your heart desire a nice beach vacation? Margaritas and ceviche maybe?”

  She leaned in close to my ear and I felt her warm, sweet breath on my neck. “This is my vacation,” she whispered.

  I gulped. “Well to each her own I always say.”

  “Fortunately for you, I'm under orders not to use my more persuasive methods.” She backed away from me, tapping my cheek with the point of her dagger and smiled. “The boss told me I had to bring you to him, even if you told me what I wanted to know.”

  “Well, wouldn’t wanna disappoint the boss.”

  She turned without another word and walked across the bridge. Lurch pushed me ahead of him and I almost stumbled, but the rope binding my hands jerked me and I realized I was on a leash. “Well this is kinda humiliating. I mean, I like being tied up as much as the next guy, but I’d prefer if Lurch here didn’t join the party.”

  “You got spunk kid,” she said over her shoulder. “But, it won’t help you when the High God Aluran stares into your soul.”

  Fuck. A deep panic shot through me. There was no way I’d be able to resist the power of the High God. I couldn’t even resist the power of this tiny lunatic and her creepy butlers. Somehow I knew that Aluran could get Gryph’s location out of me in moments, even if I didn’t know where he was. My mind scrambled. A dozen horrible, no good plans rushed through my brain. Each required a skill set or level of badassery that I just didn’t possess.

  I panicked. I had to do something. Whatever the cost, I could not let Aluran find Gryph. I had to be the hero. Part of my mind hated how loyal I was to Gryph. I mean he was an okay guy, but had he earned the loyalty? A deeper memory almost answered that question when the Agent’s amused voice interrupted my thoughts.

  “Are you crying?” the Agent asked, and I realized that yes, in fact I was crying.

  “No. Maybe.” I’m some hero, I thought. I stopped and wept some more, just wanting to wallow in my misery. Lurch was having none of it and pushed me hard. I stumbled and fell onto my face, biting my tongue. The Agent turned and gave Lurch a WTF? look. He shrugged in apology, lifted me up and then pushed me forward again.

  “So, if you have this fancy teleportation rock, why do we have to do all this walking?” I asked and spit a wad of blood from my mouth. “Or falling?”

  The Agent whipped her thumb back at the town. “See that tower there. It used to be the home of a wizard named Harlan, hence why this town is named Harlan’s Watch. He was a bit of a recluse and cast a negation field on the area. Nobody can port in or out. So we have to get out of the field.” She pointed at a hill a few hundred feet from the far side of the bridge. “That hill marks the end of the negation zone, and incidentally, is where the good folks of Harlan’s Watch execute their murderers and rapists. I like that hill.”

  “Yeah, it's nice,” I said. My shoulders slumped in defeat and I walked forward. They say that when you know you’re going to die memories of your life flash before your eyes. Well, I’d only been alive a day, so memories of a wonderful life were slim. However, something bubbled up from my subconscious.

  A scene from a movie I’d watched a bunch of times back before I’d become buds with Gryph popped into my mind, and I had a plan. It had worked for Rob Roy, so it would work for me. I stumbled intentionally, bringing me closer to the edge of the bridge. Lurch rushed towards me and a bit of slack went into the rope. I leapt up onto the ledge, it wasn’t the best leap, but it got me to where I needed to be.

  The Agent spun, eyes wide, and yelled “Don’t!” Lurch ignored her and reached up to grab me. I looped the rope into a lasso and tossed it over the goon’s head. He looked at me in confusion for a moment. Then I jumped off the bridge.

  I fell a dozen feet before Lurch’s neck arrested my fall, nearly wrenching my arms from their sockets. The giant scrambled at the noose around his neck in panic for a moment before pulling a dagger from the sheathe at his wrist. He sawed at the rope.

  “Stop!” I heard the Agent yell in alarm, but she was too late. The rope split and I fell into the rushing water. I cheered inside my head as the current pulled me down stream. Take that, bitch, I thought and then I discovered the one, massive flaw in my plan. My hands were still bound, and I had no idea how to swim.

  I struggled against the bonds, but they wouldn’t budge. Apparently Lurch was more talented with knots than he was with words. I spun and twisted in the current and then sank. My lungs burned, and a prompt popped into my vision.

  Debuff Added: You are drowning. 5 points of DMG/Second.

  Shit, I thought. Then I died.

  ☠☠☠☠☠

  3

  I set my empty mug down onto the table with a hollow thunk, releasing an unexpected spark of energy that made me jump. Gaarm grinned, sucked at some bit of food in his crooked Stonehenge of brown teeth, and pushed his pile of coins forward. “I’m all in,” he said.

  “What?” I sputtered, my eyes wide in panic. I looked from the coins to Gaarm and back to the coins again. “What?”

  “He said all in,” The dealer mumbled in a tone that suggested I was an idiot. I sure felt like one. I had no idea what the hell was happening. A moment ago I was drowning. Now I was back in the inn on the cusp of getting my ass kicked.

  The dealer snapped his fingers and asked me what I wanted to do? I gave Gaarm a confused grin. “Haven’t we done this already?” I asked, looking around the room in panicked confusion.

  “We’ve been doing it for hours dwarf. How drunk are you?”

  “I’m an Ordonian,” I said in a low, confused voice, and then Gaarm and I said “Really?” at the same time. The large Eldarian’s eyes narrowed and his anger rose. “That’s what it says,” I muttered in a half-hearted manner.

  I was alive, and I had no idea why. You see, banner NPC’s don’t respawn the way Players do. Apparently the developers who hacked the Game Mechanics for Alistair Bechard/Aluran wanted to allow for Player errors, but wanted death to have some meaning, even if the price for that meaning was paid by their NPCs. So, I shouldn’t be alive. I’d died and I should have stayed dead.

  The pretty barmaid set a fresh pint of Master Grimslee’s potent honey mead in front of me. I jumped as the mug thumped the table. I looked up to see her warm smile. We’d done this before too. She smiled at me for a few seconds waiting. All I did was stare like a fool. With a grin that said ‘you’re cute when you’re drunk,’ she reached down and eased one of my coins towards her. “Thanks Seraphine,” she said, in a flirty, yet mocking tone.

  “Hey, that’s my line.” I said confused. She gave me the fake smile she’d given hundreds of times to drunken fools like me and slipped the coin into her apron.

  “Sir, what do you want to do?” the dealer asked, saying each word very slowly. I loo
ked up at him and his nose scrunched in distaste. The dealer nodded at my card. I looked at it and then up at Gaarm. I knew I had the winning card, but the phantom pain of the beating I’d taken was still fresh in my mind and I had zero desire to make that mistake again. “I fold,” I said.

  Gaarm smiled and his boys cheered. Part of me hated folding when I had the better hand even if that better hand had come by way of cheating. But, I liked living a lot more, and whatever the hell had just happened was not something I wanted repeated.

  “Is everyone else feeling okay?” I asked. Maybe I was hallucinating. Had Seraphine dosed my mead? I sniffed at my mug. What if she were some kind of assassin? I looked over at her as she brought another mug to the jumpy fire mage. He made a move for her ass, which she deftly blocked and made a no, no, no gesture with her fingers. He stared at her as she skipped away and then saw my eyes on him and held his hand out, sending a brief pulse of flame into the air, as if saying ‘that girl’s fire.’

  “Don’t be so sad,” Gaarm said to me and I looked at him. “Only way you could have beaten my hand was if you’d cheated. And that would have been a bad idea. I’ve killed men for less.”

  “I believe you,” I said.

  He grinned and slid a coin towards me. “Next drink is on me.”

  “Thanks,” I said, but my mind was already elsewhere. Where was the Agent? If I stayed in here with my new buddy Gaarm, would she leave me be? I knew the answer, and a chill ran through me.

  I need to protect Gryph.

  Wait, what? I’d just died and somehow jumped back in time and was likely facing death again and my first thought was about protecting Gryph. “What is wrong with me?” I mumbled.

  “It is called inebriation sir,” the dealer said, judging me from on high. I waved my hand dismissively at the man and rubbed at my temples. My head hurt. Not sure if it was cuz I’d died, or cuz I’d come back, or the mead or all of the above. Despite the pain all I could think of was my weird devotion to Gryph. That’s when a memory hit me.