by A. D. Ryan
She nodded sadly, her face slowly contorting as the trauma of past events came back to haunt her, even after all this time. “I do. I also remember how devastated they were three weeks later.”
I hated to see her in such despair as she remembered that part of our life. Her pain was my pain, and it tore at me to watch her face twist like that. “Sweetheart, their reaction wasn't solely from the miscarriage. You were verging on catatonic. It was starting to scare us.”
With a slow nod, Cassie sniffled and swiped the few stray tears that had fallen from her eyes. I wanted nothing more than to make things better for us, and I felt that there was only one way to truly do that. Knowing what reaction I was likely in for, I bit the bullet and spoke. “I want us to go back this summer. I'm desperate to fuse this family back together.” I paused for a moment to gauge her reaction. “My mother even called your parents already. They're going.”
Her head snapped up, and her eyes were still rimmed with tears. “No,” she said breathlessly. “You know I can't.”
“Cass, honey,” I whispered soothingly as I brushed more tears from her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs. “We can't keep living in fear of the past.”
Her head continued to shake from side to side in outright defiance to my request. I squeezed her hands gently and smiled at her, hoping to soften her resolve. I knew I had to do this to save us, so I pleaded. “Please?”
Cassie's eyes were filled with regret as she answered. “I'm sorry. You know I can't. I won’t.”
Chapter 6 | Never Give Up
I stared at her a moment, dumbfounded. How could she so readily dismiss this? Whatever the reason, I wasn’t ready to give up quite so easily.
“Are you afraid we're going to repeat history?” I asked her.
Cassie's brow furrowed. “No, it has nothing to do with that.”
I gripped her hands firmly in mine and looked deep into her eyes. “Listen, sweetheart, I know our life these last two years has been difficult, and our loss…” I took a moment to choke back my tears before continuing “…completely unbearable at times. But the Cassie I knew was so alive and carefree, and would fight the pain with everything she had. That's the Cassie that I remember…the Cassie that I fell in love with.”
Cassie's eyes overflowed with tears as she stood, running her hands through her hair. “I lost a baby, Jack,” she rasped, folding her arms around herself.
“We,” I corrected her quietly, leaning forward and resting my arms on my knees as I watched her pace the room. “We lost a baby…”
“What do you think of 'Hannah' for a girl?” I asked excitedly, looking up from the baby naming book I had picked up on my way home from work. Charlie was in bed, and Cassie and I were sitting on the couch watching “The Office” on television as I flipped through the pages. I was seated in the middle, while Cassie sat in the far corner, her legs pulled across my lap as she held the remote in her hand, waiting to swap the channel on the next commercial.
“Uh huh,” she agreed less than half-heartedly.
Slightly discouraged, I furrowed my brow in discontent and continued to flip through the book. Excitement reclaimed me a few pages later, though, and I had a feeling this was the one. “Oh! Or there's Max? For a boy, I mean.”
Cassie shrugged and flipped the channel with an annoyed sigh. “Whatever you want.”
I closed the book and placed it down on her thighs as she tried to shift away from me. It was frustrating, but I knew I had to keep trying to get her involved. “I was also thinking we could maybe paint the room beside Charlie's in soft neutral tones. You know, keep the gender a secret on purpose this time. Remember how incredible it was when Dr. Morris told us Charlie was a girl?”
Cassie turned onto her side and propped her elbow on the arm of the sofa, allowing her head to rest in the palm of her hand. “Not really,” she mumbled with a shrug, changing the channel again. There were no words to describe my shock as I absorbed her words. I stared at her with wide eyes, and she must have sensed my shock because she quickly added, “I was exhausted.”
My spirit was crushed as I took in her despondent tone of voice. I had been trying since California to help her move toward acceptance and happiness for the new addition coming into our lives, but my efforts were being thwarted time and time again.
I didn't stop trying, though. Every day we would still talk and laugh, and when I figured she was in a good mood, I would bring up the baby in some way. In an instant, her mood would shift and she would become withdrawn from the subject. There were times that she seemed a little bit happier, however, the simple fact remained; Cassie never once started the conversations regarding the child that was growing within her. Instead, she preferred to talk about work.
We had been back from our family vacation for almost two weeks, and both Cassie and I had returned to work a few days after we arrived home. Considering Cassie's company merger was still pretty fresh, things were going smoothly. The late nights had begun shortly after they signed their largest client yet, and I offered to take care of things at home until work slowed down for her. I hoped that this would alleviate a lot of her stress, and that maybe that was her reason for being so withdrawn from the pregnancy.
Then came the day that would ultimately change our lives forever. It was Friday—Cassie's birthday—and we had Charlie's party planned for the following day. It was fortunate that Cassie had been able to get the weekend off, and my parents had even offered to take Charlie for the night so I could take Cassie out.
My breath hitched when Cassie descended the stairs wearing a form-fitted royal blue dress that cut off just above her knees. She looked sensational, and I told her as much when I held out my hand for her as she took her final step into the entry. Thoughts of staying home and skipping our dinner reservations altogether flew through my head upon seeing her. The only thing keeping me from scooping her up in my arms and taking her back upstairs was the rarity of being without Charlie. With my resolve steeled for the moment, we got into the car and drove to Cassie's favorite Italian restaurant.
We were about halfway through dinner when Cassie winced slightly. The look of pain on her face alarmed me. “Sweetheart? Are you okay?”
She looked up at me with a smile I was sure was supposed to put me at ease, but it did no such thing. “Yeah. I've been having cramps all day,” she said as she waved her hand dismissively. “I'm sure it's nothing, and I see Dr. Morris on Monday for blood work. Plus, I cramped off and on with Charlie, too,” she reminded me.
I wasn't entirely reassured as I watched her carefully. She stabbed a spear of asparagus onto her fork and brought it to her mouth, narrowing her eyes at me as she chewed. “Your food is getting cold, Jack. I'm fine.”
I was skeptical, but I resumed eating my meal, my eyes never straying from her. Barely five minutes had passed when her entire body tensed and she clutched her stomach. “That's it,” I said as I stood and reached for my wallet. “We're going to the hospital.” I took out more than enough money to cover the meal and tossed it on the table before helping Cassie to her feet.
“Jack, you're overreacting,” Cassie told me, picking up her pace so she wasn't being dragged in my haste to leave the restaurant.
Pushing through the immense fear I felt in that moment, I smirked at her. “Are you really surprised?” I asked with a wink.
“No, I suppose not,” Cassie replied with a laugh as I opened her door and ushered her in. Her dress crept up her legs as she lowered herself into the passenger seat, and I was just about to close the door when my laugh died and my blood ran cold.
Cassie looked at me with mild concern before her eyes followed my intensely focused gaze. “Jack what's wr…?” Her words trailed off when she saw the thin crimson trail on her inner left thigh.
A sharp gasp echoed around me, jarring me from my paralyzed state, and I slammed her door before I rushed to get behind the wheel. Panic consumed every part of me. So much so, that I wasn't aware of time or speed limits as I sped through th
e streets of Frederick. I could only hope I was actually stopping for red lights. By the time we reached the hospital, Cassie's breathing was surprisingly in control, and she was calmly wiping at her leg with some wet-wipes she had found in the console. She must have been in shock, because the look on her face was far from the pure terror that mine likely portrayed.
My heart was hammering painfully against my ribs, and my hands were shaking as I threw the car into park. “Cassie, it could be nothing. We just have to try not to panic,” I told her in the calmest voice I could muster given the circumstances.
Very slowly, she pushed her hair off her face. “'Kay,” she said in an emotionless tone. She didn’t sound panicked at all, and this only served to increase my fear.
We walked as quickly as we could through the doors of the Urgent Care facility at the hospital before stopping at the front desk. A woman, whose name tag read “Grace,” looked up at us.
“Hi, what can I do for you this evening?” she asked cheerfully.
“We need to see a doctor as soon as possible,” I said frantically.
Grace looked at her computer monitor and cocked an eyebrow as she looked for an opening. “All right. And what is it in regards to?” she inquired as she clicked the mouse.
“My wife is about seven or eight weeks pregnant and she started bleeding.” My voice started to rise as my calm exterior began to crumble, and I could feel my anxiety spiking.
Grace’s head snapped up, and her eyes shifted from mine to Cassie's. “Oh! Okay, well, I need all your information, and I'll enter you into the system ASAP.”
As I rambled off our insurance information and the reason for our visit, I looked over at Cassie, who was standing stoically by my side. It was strange, but the look in her eyes was empty…almost completely void of any particular emotion as the shock seemingly pulled her under. Once I had given all the information I could, we were told to take a seat and we'd be seen as soon a doctor became available.
Sitting there didn't help put me at ease, though. My leg bounced rapidly, and I continually looked up at the time. Fear seeped in, invading every part of me, as I ran my trembling hands through my hair. With each passing millisecond, my anxiety level increased exponentially and my breathing became more and more shallow. It was too much; I was starting to lose my shit.
After looking at the clock for the hundredth time in two minutes, I glanced over at Cassie. She sat on the edge of her seat with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes appeared to be glazed over as she stared through the wall ahead of us. Seeing her slip into a near-catatonic state only served to remind me of the last time she was like this, and my chest tightened.
“Jack? Cassie?” The voice that called out to us seemed far away—as though it were cutting through the fog in my mind.
I raised my eyes toward the familiar sound. “Dad!” I cried, jumping to my feet as he approached.
“What are you guys doing here?” he asked, looking down at Cassie, whose expression was still emotionless and unfocused. “Cassie, sweetheart,” he began, looking worriedly at me as he knelt before her. He took her face in his hands and gently coaxed her gaze to his. They were completely glossed over—staring through him. “What's wrong?”
Her voice cracked as she answered monotonously. “I think I'm losing the baby.” She sounded cold—detached—and she blinked rapidly to focus her eyes on my father.
Just hearing the words caused my stomach to roll and my head to spin. I sat back down next to Cassie, resting my elbows on my knees and burying my face in my hands. Everything went black for a minute, and I was startled when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Son, come on. I'll take the both of you to an exam room and see if we can figure a few things out,” Dad offered.
I looked over at Cassie, whose eyes were now wide with fear as she noticed me falling apart. I took her by the hand and we stood, following my father down the corridor. I could feel the bile churning in my stomach
“Cassie, I'm going to try and acquire an ultrasound machine,” he said, shifting his eyes back and forth between the two of us. For the first time ever, he sounded nervous. “However, with you being so early in the pregnancy, it would have to be an internal procedure. I would understand if you'd prefer to wait for another doctor to become available.”
Cassie bit her lower lip as she looked at me to gauge my reaction. I squeezed her hand in reassurance before she met my dad’s eyes. “It's fine. I need to know now.”
With a nod, he patted her shoulder as he moved past her toward the door. “Well,” he began as he stopped and looked at her awkwardly, “Why don't you hop up on the table then? Just drape the paper sheet over your lower half, and I'll see if I can locate an ultrasound machine.”
My father was gone in a flash. I began pacing the room, pushing my hands roughly through my hair while Cassie walked toward the exam table. Her face went deathly pale and she cringed as she shed her blood-soaked underwear and climbed up onto the paper-covered table.
The door opened just then and Dad entered, wheeling in an ultrasound machine. Cassie lay back, mechanically putting her feet up in the stirrups as my father started the examination. To say the situation was uncomfortable would be the understatement of the millennium, but we all tried to ignore the awkwardness for the sake of this crisis. He was silent as he looked at the monitor, and I tried to see what he was staring at so intently while he clicked a series of keys to zoom in.
I lowered my gaze to Cassie in hopes of reassuring her, but she was staring up at the roof, her eyes glazed over once more. Any emotion she was feeling earlier dissipated. I leaned forward to place a tender kiss on her head, but she was completely unresponsive.
The silence in the room was maddening, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I exhaled loudly before speaking. “Dad, what the hell is going on?”
Then the air in the room changed, suddenly poisoned by the news my father gave me with just one look. When I squeezed Cassie's hand she turned her head slowly, and I looked down at her regretfully.
“I'm sorry, you two,” he said quietly as he removed his latex gloves.
It felt as though the rug had been ripped out from under me in a matter of minutes, and I sank to the chair behind me, never releasing my grip on Cassie's hand. I could feel the hot tears spill forth onto my cheeks, but I couldn't find the energy to lift my free hand to wipe them away.
Cassie sat up slowly, clutching the thin paper sheet around her as she drew in deep breaths. “Y…you're sure?” she asked in a wavering voice, her eyes fixed on me as I broke down emotionally.
“I am,” he said before explaining his findings.
I didn't hear much of what he was saying because I was in complete shock. Familiar words and phrases like “no fetal pole” and “unable to detect the heartbeat” seemed to stick out most prominently.
“We should do a D and C as soon as possible, Cassie.” I heard my dad say, his voice finally coming through loud and clear.
I snapped my head up in his direction. “What?” I asked, the tone in my voice only proving that I was still in denial.
“Son—” he started, looking at me with sympathy.
Cassie interjected before he could continue. “Do it.” It unnerved me just how steady and sure her voice was as she asked my father to end this pregnancy.
“Cassie!” I gasped, looking over at her with wide eyes.
When her eyes met mine, they were impossibly more vacant than they were when we first arrived. “It's already too late, Jack,” she said, her voice entirely steady in pitch.
“Son, we could just let nature take its course, but in some cases it poses too much of a risk to the woman and possibly her fertility,” Dad tried explaining.
I knew what I was being told to be true, but I just couldn't accept it. How could she accept it so readily? Why did she seem…fine? The confusion was starting to cloud my mind, making me dizzy. I buried my face in my hands as I tried to cross that fine line to acceptance, and I could feel the wetness f
rom my tears on the palms of my hands. With a shuddering breath I whispered, “I know.”
I felt a strong hand on my shoulder, and when I looked up, I was staring into the sympathy-filled eyes of my father. “I'll go and get everything in order, and when I return…” he paused and turned his focus back to a zombie-like Cassie before continuing “…we'll go through the details of the procedure, all right?” He left us in the room alone as we grieved. My eyes never left the floor as I tried to come to terms with everything that had happened in a matter of just a couple of hours…if that.
“Jack?” Cassie said softly. I looked up at her slowly, afraid to let her see how weak I was. I needed to be strong…for her. “Are…” she took a breath “…are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said in a low voice that even I didn't recognize. I stood and ran my fingers through my hair. “Everything is going to be fine. We'll figure things out from here. Together.” Taking her hands in mine, I offered her what was meant to be a warm smile, but it likely came across as forced as it felt. “How are you?” I asked.
Cassie's eyes became lackluster as she swallowed thickly and nodded. “I'm fine.”
There was a soft knock at the door, and when it opened, my father and a small, dark-haired nurse slipped in. The next hour and a half was pure torture. I didn't think I would survive the agony that tore its way through my body as I sat next to Cassie. I was shocked to hear Cassie tell my father she'd prefer to be awake for the procedure—I didn't even want to be awake for it.
They gave her a local anesthetic after she had changed into a hospital gown and positioned herself back onto the exam table. I watched her face the entire time, just waiting for this to hit her. It was bound to…I just wasn't sure when.
Toward the end of the procedure, one lone tear fell from the corner of her right eye—no sound, just the visual proof of her pain—and I leaned over and kissed it away. “It's going to be okay, Cass,” I whispered into her ear.
After the nurse left the room, Dad gave us a laundry list of things that were normal after this “procedure,” and things to watch for. He assisted Cassie into an upright position and kissed the top of her head before telling her she did an exceptional job. His words didn't seem to reach her as she inhaled deeply and stared through him.
