by A. D. Ryan
Whispering his condolences once more, he turned to leave the room. Just as he opened the door and slipped out, the nurse popped back in, and nestled in her arms was a pair of light blue hospital scrubs. “Mrs. Martin? Dr. Martin asked me to drop these off for you,” she said, setting the scrubs down on the table.
Cassie shook her head clear momentarily and looked at the small woman. “Thank you,” she told her kindly as the nurse slipped back out into the hall. Cassie looked down beside her, and lying atop the pile was a pair of disposable hospital underwear. “Well,” she said as she held them up. “Just when I thought this couldn't get any worse.” Her tone was meant to come off as a joke, but neither of us really found the humor in her words.
When Cassie was changed, she slipped her dress over her arm and we left the exam room to find my father right outside. He pulled Cassie into his arms and told us to head home.
“But Charlie?” Cassie spoke up.
Placing his hands on Cassie's shoulders, he stared into her eyes. “Sweetheart, you've just been put through something no one should ever have to experience. Go home and rest. Charlie is probably sleeping right now, anyway. Helen and I will bring her by for the party tomorrow.”
Cassie nodded solemnly in silent agreement, and I wrapped my arms around her. “Thanks, Dad,” I said as I led Cassie toward the exit.
When we arrived home, Cassie walked to the kitchen, dumped the dress she wore that night straight into the trash, and grabbed a bottle of wine and a glass before retiring to the couch. I stood in the open space between the two rooms, watching her for a moment as she drank her first glass quickly.
“Cass, we can have the dress cleaned,” I suggested.
“I don't want it,” she snapped. “I don't want to ever remember tonight. I want it to be as though none of this even happened.” Her expression hardened, and I watched her pour another glass of wine.
I couldn't disagree. It was a pretty shitty day, and one I would love to forget about. But the simple fact remained that it did happen, and it was what forced our lives into a downward spiral.
When we awoke the next day, the sun was out, which was a shame, because both of our moods were sullen. It was as though the world was trying to rub our noses in our recent loss. We remained in bed for what seemed like an eternity, neither one of us speaking or touching, just staring up at the ceiling in complete silence.
I heard the front door open when my parents showed up with Charlie at noon. She was as exuberant as ever. I climbed out of bed and tried to get Cassie up also, but she told me that she needed a minute.
I went downstairs to find Charlie at the table coloring, so I joined her and just watched her. I made the effort to be happy for her birthday, but it was hard. Charlie lost someone, too. She just didn't know it, and likely never would.
My mom came up behind me and kissed the top of my head before wrapping her arms around my shoulders. That one gesture caused fresh tears to prickle at my eyes, so I took a breath and blinked rapidly to hold them back.
Cassie's parents showed up shortly after, and the looks on their faces told me that they knew already. Gayle came into the room and hugged me. “I'm so sorry,” she said quietly.
“Thank you. But, today is about Charlie. We'd prefer not to take away from that,” I said, hoping she would understand.
She nodded, placing her hand on my cheek. “Of course, dear. Where's Cassie?”
“In bed, last I saw. She's…not taking it very well.” I knew that was an understatement.
Gayle and my mom went upstairs to try and convince Cassie to come down for the party, and while they were gone, Jennifer, Alex, Billy, and his girlfriend, Sarah, showed up. News travelled fast in this family, so I wasn't surprised—nor was I angry—that they all knew. It was easier this way.
Cassie came downstairs by one o'clock, closely flanked by our mothers. Her hair was brushed, but fell limp around her face, and the look in her eyes hadn't changed. She had exchanged the hospital scrubs that she had slept in for a pair of jeans and white T-shirt. One piece of clothing that concerned me was the knitted brown button-up sweater that she was pulling closed across her chest as she held her right hand over her heart.
It was the same sweater she wore almost every day during her depression two years ago.
Charlie ran for Cassie when she saw her, and Cassie smiled and hugged her, her eyes still unable to register anything around her. “Hey, baby,” she whispered as she buried her face in Charlie's blonde curls and inhaled deeply.
When Charlie wriggled free and ran over to her grandmothers, Cassie stood up and walked over to the far corner of the couch, sitting and bringing her knees up to her chest. Jennifer made a move to go to her, but I shook my head in a silent plea to not say anything that could make this worse—for any of us. She nodded her understanding and sat next to Cassie, who looked at her with sad eyes before she laid her head on her shoulder.
The following week didn't get any better for either of us. Being in my final year of my residency, I called my colleague, Sienna, Sunday night to ask if she'd mind me taking a few days to stay with Cassie, and she was more than willing to fill in for me. She expressed concern for Cassie and me, and even offered to stop by in a few days time to speak with us if we were ready.
Also, even though Cassie and I both had some time off, my mom still offered to come and pick Charlie up to keep her in her routine. I was certain she was only trying to keep Charlie sheltered from the depressing atmosphere of our home.
Cassie would stay in bed for hours most mornings and even refused to eat when I brought her food. Her behavior was familiar territory, and quite frankly, it was beginning to scare the shit out of me. If she wasn't in bed, she was huddled in the far corner of the couch with her legs bent up against her body, or at the table as we attempted to eat a meal together.
Cassie wouldn't eat much, instead pushing the food around on her plate.
“Cassie, you should eat. I can make you something else if you'd prefer?” I suggested carefully.
She shook her head weakly. “I'm not hungry.”
“Well,” I said, still trying to tread carefully. She hadn't snapped yet, but she was wound so tight, I knew it was coming. “Do you want to talk about it? It might help you move past—”
Her head snapped up, and her eyes were the most alive I'd seen them all week. They weren't the sparkling eyes I was used to, though…they were blazing with her anger as it bubbled to the surface. She slammed her fork down on the table and stood quickly. “Don't you dare try to psychoanalyze me, Jack Martin. You're not my fucking therapist!” she screamed as she rushed from the room, pulling her sweater closed around her, and locked herself in our bedroom.
She was right; I wasn't her therapist. But Sienna was. I called her immediately and asked for her to stop by when she could.
Cassie wasn't too thrilled when Sienna showed up the next night after work, but she complied—for the most part. We sat in the living room, Cassie all folded in on herself in her usual spot on the couch, and I sat beside her while Sienna took a seat on the loveseat across from us.
“Cassie?” Sienna started. “How are you feeling?”
“I'm fine,” she spat, keeping her gaze averted from Sienna's. I knew that if she looked into Sienna's eyes that she would crack…and so did she.
“Cassie, don't forget that I know you. I'm only here to help.” Sienna was good at her job. It was almost as though she held the power of compulsion in her hands and was able to make people do what she wished just by speaking in a certain tone of voice. “So, Cassie. How are you feeling about all of this?”
I watched Cassie carefully as she turned her head to meet Sienna's gaze. Her eyes weren't focused and seemed to stare right through Sienna, dead to the world and emotionless as she spoke. “Undeserving. Responsible. Guilty.” There was a heavy silence in the room before Cassie continued. “Failure.” Her eyes darted to mine very briefly before finding sanctuary in Sienna's. “Like, if I had wanted this baby from the
beginning, this wouldn't have happened.”
Shock hit me from every angle as I learned her true feelings, and I turned to her, aghast by this revelation. I opened my mouth to speak, only to have Sienna interject. “Jack, Cassie is allowed to express how she feels.”
“I know that, but she shouldn't feel that way. This wasn't her fault,” I said quietly, my eyes never leaving Cassie as her gaze fell to the cuff of her sweater so she could tug at an imaginary thread.
Sienna offered me a sympathetic smile before returning her focus to Cassie. “How have you been sleeping, Cassie?”
“I don't. Sleep, I mean. Every time I close my eyes…” She took a deep breath. “I just can't.”
“Are you eating anything?” Sienna knew she wasn't; I had discussed all of this with her earlier.
“I'm not hungry,” Cassie responded with no emotion.
Sienna sat back in her seat for a moment, waiting for one of us to say something. Minutes ticked by on the mantle clock before she spoke again. “Well, I'm going to prescribe some sleeping pills. And also an anti-depress—”
“No!” Cassie shouted, jumping to her feet. She crossed her arms around herself protectively as she looked at Sienna with an anger I had never before seen. “I lost a baby less than a week ago! I'm allowed to grieve!”
Sienna held her hands out in front of her in surrender. “I know that, Cassie. I'm not saying you have to take them now. But, in my experience, someone with your medical history and who has gone through the level of post-partum depression you did a couple of years ago has a chance for relapse in the wake of another trauma,” she said calmly.
“I won't be medicated again,” Cassie stated firmly.
“I understand. You have every right to feel what you feel,” Sienna said. “I'll leave the prescription with you. Keep it…just in case, okay?”
Cassie shook her head in frustration. “Whatever. I'm going to bed.”
Once Cassie left the room, I leaned forward and rested my arms on my knees, looking up at Sienna. “It's not good, is it?”
With a slight head shake and smile, she answered, “Jack, her pain…and your pain…is still so fresh. It's hard to say what's going to happen. Her reaction is expected. You're a psychiatrist, you know this…hell, you've dealt with it.” She leaned forward and locked eyes with me. “Now, how are you feeling?”
I cocked an eyebrow at her. “Are you seriously trying to evaluate me?”
“Jack.” Her tone was serious with an air of threat behind it.
I exhaled loudly as I flopped back into the couch. “I feel…” I took a minute so I could try and put into words what I was feeling. “Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Maybe if I hadn't been so damn happy about this pregnancy and forced Cassie to accept it, then she wouldn't be hurting right now.”
“Do you really feel as though you forced her acceptance?”
With an exasperated groan, I looked at Sienna. “You're far too good at this, you know that?” She smirked, and I rolled my eyes. “I guess I didn't really force her acceptance, but that's how it feels. It feels like once she's done grieving her loss—”
“Your loss, too, Jack,” she corrected.
“Obviously that goes without saying,” I said snarkily. “Anyway, it feels like once she's done grieving, she'll resent me and begin to pull away,” I admitted.
“Cassie loves you, Jack. You both just need some time.” Sienna's eyes drifted to her watch. “I have to get going, but if either of you need anything, you just let me know. I'll leave the prescriptions with you, all right?”
We stood, and Sienna handed me the papers before I walked her to the door. Before walking through the threshold, Sienna turned to me and pulled me into a friendly hug. “I care about you, Jack. About both of you. She'll come around, just give her some time.”
“Thank you,” I said as she pulled away, and I watched her walk to her car and drive down the street from the doorway. After locking the door, I headed upstairs to find Cassie lying in bed, wide awake.
“I'm sorry,” I said. “I just thought it would be easier for you to talk to her than to me.”
Cassie sighed. “I'm so tired.”
I knelt before her and stroked her hair. “Then sleep.”
Tears fell rapidly from her eyes. “I can't, because every time I close my eyes…all I see is…” she sobbed loudly before finishing “…the look on your face when your dad told you I had lost the baby.” She buried her face behind her hands and wept hysterically for the first time in a week. “I didn't want the baby, and you were so excited. And now…I've failed you so many times.”
Knowing it was my anguish that kept her from sleeping destroyed me. “Oh God, Cassie,” I whispered, moving to embrace her as she remained on the bed. I tried to make her feel better, but I knew the exhaustion was taking its toll on her. I pressed my lips to her forehead as she sobbed into my shoulder.
I didn't want to leave her right then, but she needed to sleep, and clearly that wasn't happening on its own. “I'm going to go and get the sleeping pills that Sienna prescribed. I'll be back in fifteen minutes, okay? I'll see if my mom can keep Charlie tonight, too.” I stood and walked to the door, stopping before leaving the room entirely. “I love you.”
Cassie raised her head and wiped her eyes as she sniffled. “I love you, too.”
Reliving such a painful part of our past was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. I knew it was what we needed in order to move on from it, but it didn't make it any less difficult.
I looked down at Cassie and could feel my eyes burn with tears. “Cassie, I'm afraid that if we don't try harder that our marriage won't survive.”
The faint sparkle that was left in her eyes burned out, and she sighed sadly. “I think it's too late to worry about that.”
Chapter 7 | Impasse
“What?” I asked in a hoarse voice after a beat of silence. Too late? What did she mean it was too late? I stood there, staring at her in shock as she looked me dead in the eye and told me that our marriage was over. My mouth opened and closed as I tried to find the words—any words.
I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. “So, what? You're telling me you don't love me?”
Cassie's eyes widened, and her head snapped back at my assumption. “No! That's not what I said at all. You know I love you. Both of you. God, Jack, I'd sacrifice my soul for you if I had to.” Cassie took a deep, trembling breath as her eyes hardened with resolve, and she broke the silence. “Look, we've both rehashed a bunch of shit that should have stayed buried for obvious reasons. So, before either one of us says anything else we don't mean, I'm going to go upstairs.” She turned from me in that moment and started to walk from the room.
It only took me two long strides to catch up to her. I took her by the hand and turned her to me. “No, you don't get to walk away from this that easily. Not this time.”
She raised an eyebrow and stared me down. “You think that any of this has been easy for me, Jack? For two years I've been struggling to come to terms with my choices. Each and every time I'm ready to move on from it all, you won't allow it. It kills me to know that I've hurt you this deeply.” Cassie placed her right hand on my cheek and smiled up at me. “I know you don't want to keep hurting. You don't deserve to keep hurting.”
“And you telling me that our marriage is over is supposed to help me how, exactly?” I demanded angrily. “I don't get how can you say that there's no hope to save our marriage? Our family?” I moved my arm back and forth between the two of us. Cassie only stood there, silent, as I continued on my tirade. “Shit, Cassie! Why now?”
Her eyes finally registered a sliver of remorse as they locked with mine. “It's not that I don't want to work on our marriage. I would love to be able to go back in time and fix it before it got to its breaking point. But we can't.”
“So, what? You want out?” I was furious that everything seemed so far out of my control.
Cassie's soft hand brushed my cheek. “Is that what you want?” she a
sked in a voice so small I almost didn't hear it.
“Of course not,” I responded. “I want things to go back to the way they were.”
Cassie inhaled deeply. “So do I, but we can't ignore the things that brought us to where we are now. We need to come to terms with them in hopes of being able to move forward. We need to keep Charlie's best interest at heart.”
“That's all I have been doing!” I shouted, moving away from her touch. To hear her disregard how much I actually did for our child on a daily basis seriously pissed me off. I was the one that was there day-in and day-out taking care of her. I was the one who ran to her bedside when she had a bad dream. I was a single father, regardless of the fact that I was married to our daughter's absent mother. How completely fucked up was that?
When I was certain I could keep my temper in check, I spoke. “She needs parents, Cassie. Parents…plural. Not one, but two.”
“I couldn't agree more,” Cassie responded with a small shrug. “I want to be there for her.” Her voice cracked as the tears streamed down her cheeks and she wiped them away furiously. “God! What I wouldn't give to sit with her on the couch and read to her…or even just hold her and ask her about her day!”
I rushed toward her, wrapping my hands gently around her biceps. “Then do those things. It's not too late.”
She struggled to free herself, her eyes wild as she moved to the other side of the room. “But it is! I fucked up, Jack!”
With the shake of my head, I furrowed my brow. “Regardless of whether or not you fucked up, you can change your relationship with her. Be there now.”
That was when Cassie shut down. The expression on her face went blank and her shoulders slumped ever-so-slightly. The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence as we stood staring at each other. Cassie's breathing was still shaking with the sobs that were slowly dying. Seconds turned to minutes before her eyes finally locked with mine. Without a word, she quietly moved forward, reaching out to place a hand on my chest.
