Remember When

by A. D. Ryan

  “Jack?” Dad inquired quietly. “What is it? What's wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just have a headache. I didn't sleep well last night.” It wasn't a lie; I was still having that same dream where I was at the piano and I heard the glass shatter above me. I looked down into my mother's all-knowing eyes and tried to smile. “I know you guys travelled all this way, but I'm really tired. Would you mind if…”

  A tear fell from her left eye as she shook her head. She tried to mask the disappointment in her voice, but I still heard it. More guilt weighed down on me. “No, of course not. We understand. Get some sleep. We'll see you tomorrow for our family session.”

  “Right,” I said monotonously. I had almost forgotten that we were scheduled for a family sit-down to discuss how everything was going, and how it got to where it was.

  Suddenly dizzy, I nodded and headed for my bed where I sat on the edge, my eyes locked on a black speck in the tile in hopes that I could make the room stop spinning for just a moment. “You'll…” I cleared my throat when it cracked slightly. “You'll tell Charlie I love and miss her very much?” I heard Cassie hop down from the window sill and move to my side. She laid one of her chilled hands on my shoulder, and I tried my hardest not to acknowledge its presence.

  “We will,” my mother promised, leaning down to hug me one more time, just missing Cassie's hand as she reached around my neck.

  As soon as they were gone, I changed into a T-shirt and a pair of flannel pants before crawling into my small twin-sized bed. I left the corner of the coverlet turned down and looked up at Cassie expectantly. She remained motionless before me, staring into my eyes with hesitation.

  “Please?” I whispered with need.

  With a solitary nod of surrender, Cassie climbed into the bed with me. She lay facing me, our legs bent so that our knees were touching, and she started stroking my hair while I raised the blanket up over her. We didn't say a word for a few minutes; we just stared into each other’s eyes.

  “You need to let me go,” she finally whispered. Her words didn't come as a shock. Not anymore. I now understood the weight that was behind them. I knew she was right, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed her. I was nothing without her.

  I shook my head, still keeping my gaze locked on hers. “I can't, Cass,” I whispered.

  “Try? For me? I need you to get out of here…and I can't go with you.” While her words upset me, she didn't seem fazed by them. She had accepted what had to happen here. I hadn't, though.

  “We won't be apart. I need you. Without you, I…” Tears fell from my eyes, and my hands fisted the fabric of her white shirt tightly, pulling her to me, securing in my mind that she was really here with me.

  Cassie allowed me to pull her body toward mine, and she wrapped her arms around my neck as I buried my face into the front of her shirt and held her tightly. “I'm so sorry!”

  “Shhh,” she soothed into my hair. “Everything's going to be okay, I promise.”

  I couldn't seem to find the words that could properly convey exactly what I was sorry for, and eventually, I had fallen asleep in Cassie's arms.

  Chapter 16 | Wide Awake

  The door to the ensuite bathroom creaked as it swung open, causing me to shudder at the sound. My eyes scanned the countertop to find it spotless, moving next to the tile floor. Nothing seemed out of place at first, but as the door opened wider, Cassie's feet came into view…then her calves…her thighs… My breathing hitched in fear as I pushed myself through the door and pulled her limp body into my arms.

  With her turned face-up, her head lolled back over my arm as I shook her gently in an effort to rouse her. “Cassie?” I cried. I could feel the tears beginning to burn my eyes the longer she didn't respond to me. “Cassie!” This time, I leaned my face down to hers and raised my voice, hoping beyond hope that that would work.

  Her body felt heavy in my arms, and my panic level increased—even though that shouldn't have been possible without causing a heart attack. My instincts finally kicked in, and I leaned my face to hers, turning away from her to listen for her breaths. The tears that were threatening finally fell when I realized she wasn't breathing.

  “Cass, honey! Don't do this to me!” I set Cassie back down on the tile floor and checked for a pulse. Nothing. I felt my heart strain as I struggled to remember what to do next. I felt as though all the air had left the room, and I was starting to see spots before my eyes. How did this happen?

  Taking a quick look around, I finally saw the glass that I had heard shatter only moments before, and lying amidst the debris was an empty pill bottle.

  The pill bottle I had left with her. The one that was almost full. “Fuuuuck,” I groaned quietly, the nausea rolling in the pit of my stomach. After taking a few deep breaths, I looked back down at my unmoving wife. I stared at her, not once looking away or blinking as shock set in. I had no idea what to do…where to go from here. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and quickly dialed 9-1-1.

  “9-1-1, what's your emergency?” a female voice answered.

  I swallowed thickly, still watching Cassie; praying that she'd wake up any second and we'd laugh about how I had overreacted again.

  She didn't. We wouldn't.

  “It's my wife.”

  “Okay, sir. What about your wife?”

  “She's not moving,” I responded, my tone unnervingly calm and collected while every part of my insides was screaming in protest against it. “I…I heard a glass break. Then I came upstairs and she was on the bathroom floor. Not… She's not moving…”

  “Is there a pulse, sir?” the 911 operator asked softly. I shook my head. “Sir? Is there a pulse?”

  “No,” I croaked. “She's not breathing either.”

  There was a pause that was probably only a few seconds in reality, but it felt like a lifetime before the operator spoke again. “Have you tried CPR?”

  My head shook sadly, more tears leaking onto my cheek. “CPR,” I sighed. “I know CPR…” Setting the phone down on the floor, I bent over Cassie's lifeless body and tilted her head back and began the process. I puffed air into her body from my lungs and thrust down on her chest in an effort to bring her back to me.

  “Come on, baby. Come back to me, please,” I chanted, my words jolted by the chest compressions. Minutes had passed, and I was getting no response. I found myself working more furiously, a combination of sad and angry tears streaming down my face, when suddenly there was a loud crack, forcing me to snap my arms back as if I was being held at gunpoint.

  With wide eyes, I stared at Cassie, wondering which rib I had just broken and whether or not I had caused her irreparable damage that even the best doctors wouldn't be able to fix. I leaned over and picked up the phone, my eyes never leaving Cassie's body.

  “I…I think I broke one of her ribs,” I stammered into the receiver. I suddenly started panicking, nothing I said was coherent, and I could barely make out what the woman on the other end of the phone was saying.

  “Sir, you have to remain calm. I have dispatched an emergency unit out to you. They should be there soon. All I ask is that you don't move the body.”

  I froze in an instant upon hearing her final words, the bile churning like tidal waves in my stomach as I became catatonic. I stared down at my wife's broken body, her eyes closed and her tank top riding up to settle just under her breasts. I fell back onto my backside, the phone clattering on the tile next to me. I lost the fight against my nausea and scrambled for the toilet quickly, spewing the contents of my stomach into the porcelain bowl.

  Time stood still, or at least, that's how it seemed. It could have been seconds, minutes, even hours before I heard the sound of sirens. It wasn't until I saw the flashing lights of the ambulance through the bedroom windows that I blinked my now-dry eyes and remembered Cassie's attire.

  “Let's…” My voice cracked, forcing me to clear my throat before I continued. “Let's fix you up before they get up here.” I whispered, reaching down gently to tu
g her shirt down so as not to overexpose her midriff.

  Once she was covered up, I stood from my spot on the floor and backed out of the bathroom slowly, stumbling over my own feet a couple of times. I then walked down to the front door and unlocked it just as the paramedics were rushing up the walk. “She's upstairs,” I rasped as they rushed past me, traipsing in mud from the recent storm we'd had. As I followed them up the stairs, I explained where they should go, my entire body numb to what was going on.

  They dropped to her side and began hooking her up to a heart monitor. The steady BLIP I expected to hear from the portable device was absent, and this caused a tremor to rock through my body. They felt around before they started administering CPR, and once again, I found myself holding out hope that she'd wake up and we'd be smiling and laughing again in no time. That she'd forgive me for the terrible fight we'd had.

  Nothing.

  With a sharp gasp for air, I sat upright in bed, sweat pouring down my forehead, and my hands death-gripping the thin blankets to my chest. Each intake of oxygen burned, and my lungs struggled every time. My eyes were focused on the soft light coming in through the narrow window on my door as I struggled to take in my surroundings and remember where I was.

  “Jack? What's wrong?” Cassie asked, suddenly appearing at my side.

  Closing my eyes and swallowing thickly, I answered. “I…I think I'm remembering more.” It wasn't until I felt Cassie's cool hand on the back of my neck, teasing the short hairs there, and her other over top of my own that my breathing eventually evened out and I lowered the blankets to my lap.

  “I found you…”

  Cassie nodded, watching her hand intently as it moved through my hair. “Yeah, I know.”

  The memory lingered like smog in my brain, polluting something pure; the only difference was that the images were crystal clear, and not hidden behind a thick cloud of poison. It choked me.

  “Talk to me,” she gently prodded, her fingers working like magic on my scalp. The tension in my muscles released, and I leaned my head down onto her shoulder with a sigh.

  “I don't want to talk. I just want to stay here with you,” I confessed, kissing her bare shoulder softly.

  Cassie's lips grazed the top of my head, breathing me in. “I can't stay,” she whispered, the hand she had in my hair never stopping.

  “Why not?” I asked, pushing my face up to look her in the eye.

  Cassie bit her lower lip and sighed. “Because I'm not good for you, Jack. My being here with you is only hurting you and those around you. You can't possibly want that.”

  She was right. But how could I want her to be gone…really fucking gone? My life didn't make sense without her in it. No, wait… I had Charlie, and in that way, my life totally made sense. But without Cassie, I was nothing. A shell. Empty.

  “I want you,” I whispered breathlessly, my lungs feeling tight as my anxiety returned.

  “I know. But, that's just not possible.”

  Even though her words cut like a knife to the heart, I knew that ultimately she was right. “Wh…what happens once you leave?”

  “You move on,” she responded softly, her hand ghosting over mine.

  Chapter 17 | The Truth Comes Out

  Falling back asleep was difficult. It wasn't until Cassie started humming softly, laying sweet kisses on my forehead while her fingers trailed lightly through my hair, that I was finally able to find the peace that sleep brought. It was restless, though; the dream I had…the memory…recurred every time I closed my eyes. What happened that day would continue to haunt me, and I could feel my grip on reality slipping every time I woke up in a cold sweat. I knew that it was supposed to be a good thing—my remembering—but, it didn't feel that way. It felt like it was the beginning of the end for me…for us, and I tried to will it all away. To forget once more.

  All I knew was I couldn't live in a world where I had allowed that to happen. Yet, I knew I needed to be there for Charlie. I couldn’t have both; I couldn’t escape without leaving Charlie. She meant the world to me. Ugh! It was all so confusing. Real, fantasy, fantasy, real. The two worlds I knew were slowly becoming one, and I wasn't sure which one I would ultimately choose…which one I wanted to choose. In one, I was a husband and father with a fantastic life. In the other, I was… I was a monster who let his wife…

  No, I couldn't be that person. How could I accept that?

  I had been awake for a while, just lying in bed thinking about all of this, but it wasn't until the morning sun broke through the clouds and streamed through the window that I sat up. I ran my hands over my weary face, feeling the stubble that had accumulated there over the last five days. I briefly contemplated shaving, but figured such luxuries probably weren't available to the depressed and delusional.

  “What are you thinking about?” Cassie inquired, sitting up behind me and running her hands over my shoulders.

  With a chuckle, I turned my head until I could see her through my periphery. “Shaving, actually.”

  When she laughed, my heart ached because it was a sound I missed so very much. If I were to allow my therapy to work, I would have to say goodbye to it. Forever. I wasn't sure I could do that.

  “I should, um, get ready. My parents will be here soon.” I turned to face her fully, my eyes pleading and afraid. “You'll be here when I come back, right?”

  She uttered those six words I had heard far more than I ever wanted to. “You know I can't promise that.”

  “Try?” I begged softly. “I'm…I'm just not ready right now.”

  “Okay, okay,” she said, offering me a smile to assure me that she would be here. “Everything's going to be all right.”

  I kissed her lightly and stood from my bed, grabbing a change of clothes so I could grab a quick shower before my appointment. After cleaning myself up, I pulled on my black sweater and jeans, then headed back to my room and found Cassie sitting on my bed, cross-legged and smiling. We didn't say anything to one another. Instead, I climbed back up onto the bed and rested my head on her shoulder as we sat in silence.

  “Mr. Martin?” I lifted my head as the door opened, and in walked the nurse with my parents at her side. “Your parents are here.”

  I pushed myself off the bed and wrapped my arms around my mom. “Hey, Mom. Dad. How've you guys been?”

  My dad clapped his hand down on my shoulder, and when I looked up at him from in my mother's arms, I noticed his gaze was directed toward my bed. Letting go of my mom, I turned to look at my bed. Cassie remained there, motionless, and it appeared as though he was looking right through her. “What?” I inquired nervously.

  Inhaling a deep breath, he turned to me with a smile. “It's nothing.” He suspected; I could feel it in my blood. It wasn't surprising, especially considering how I had been sitting when they entered, but it still frightened me. “Well,” he said, breaking up the brief, uncomfortable silence and pretending like it really was nothing. “We should get going.”

  I walked with my parents down the corridor, my mother’s arm looped through mine the entire way and talking like it was just any other day. “Frank and Gayle are dropping Charlie off tonight. She's very excited to see you again.”

  “Me, too,” I responded softly, silently wondering when that might be. I was just about to ask when they'd be bringing her by, but the door to Dr. Richards's office opened.

  “Good morning,” he greeted as we crossed the threshold into his office, closely flanked by my father.

  Releasing my mother's arm from my own and wrapping my arms tighter around my body, I nodded my greeting and made my way to my spot on the sofa. I allowed my gaze to stray from their usual focal point on the coffee table toward the door where my parents and doctor conversed for a moment.

  “How is he?” I heard my mother whisper. I was certain she didn't mean for me to hear, but I did.

  I also didn't miss the quick glance that Dr. Richards shot in my direction. He offered me a warm smile before turning back to my parents and assur
ing them that things were going quite well. My eyes wandered back to the coffee table where they fixated on the small bowl of silk flowers that Dr. Richards kept there.

  A few more moments had passed, and he and my father shared a moment, discussing my treatment and medications. Dr. Richards, while his friend, was also a professional and said he wasn't at liberty to share details, just that things were going along as planned.

  When they finally joined me, I was lost in thoughts of Cassie. Memories of some of the happier times we had shared.

  “So, Jack. How've you been since yesterday?”

  I shrugged in response to Dr. Richards. “All right, I suppose. No better, no worse.”

  “Did you sleep well?” I raised my eyes to his, and he knew as soon as he looked into them—noticing the dark circles that lined them—what the answer was. “Are you still dreaming?”

  I nodded once. “The dreams…they're changing,” I confessed. My parents turned to face me as I spoke to Dr. Richards, and I grew anxious. I started wringing my hands in my lap as I continued to tell my doctor about the newest dreams. “It used to be that I would just be coming home—sometimes with Charlie, sometimes without. I think my fear manifested that scenario. I…I would hear that glass shatter and I would bolt up the stairs. But I always woke up when I reached the bathroom door.”

  Dr. Richards leaned forward, clearly hearing everything I had said and drawing a conclusion in his mind. “So, are you saying you've since passed that threshold?”

  Swallowing thickly, I clenched my burning eyes shut. The memory of Cassie lying on the cold tile floor, broken glass around her, flashed briefly behind my closed eyelids, and I nodded as I choked back a sob. “I have. I couldn't save her. She…she…died before I even got there. It was all my fault.”

  Cassie's hand slipped into my view as she knelt before me, and I instantly felt at peace now that she was there with me. “It's okay,” she assured softly. “You can do this.”