by Jaci Burton
“You’re leaving,” he said flatly.
“Yes, I am.”
“Don’t go, baby. Not like this. Not when we have so much together.”
Eyeing Sam levelly, not wanting to betray the anguish pouring through her body, she said, “Look. It’s been fun, but that’s all it was. I have a life in New York that I want to get back to.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
If she believed what she saw in his eyes, she’d think he was as hurt as she was right now. But then Sam was obviously a better actor than she was.
“Is it?” She furiously wiped away the tears with the back of her hand, disgusted with herself for letting him know she was hurting.
“Your life is here, with me, in this town. I know it and you know it.” He took her hand in his, but Jordan just let it lay loosely in his palm. She felt dead inside, devoid of any feeling. She had to feel that way. Any other way hurt too much.
“I don’t know any such thing. You may have had these grandiose ideas about where you and I were headed, but I never did. I knew it would never work out, and I was right. My life isn’t here, and it certainly isn’t with you.
“This is a small town, Sam, and I hate small towns. Especially this one. You and I had some fun, and that’s all. In fact, I was trying to tell you that I didn’t love you. I’m sorry, but I don’t. You don’t have nearly enough to offer me, and my life is in New York. If I stayed here I’d be gone in less than a year.”
He dropped her hand as if it was on fire. She could barely meet his gaze, seeing the hurt in his eyes that she knew was a lie. He didn’t hurt. To hurt he’d have to care, and he didn’t care for her at all. Not like she thought he did. She was just another roll in the hay to him, another playmate until a better one came along.
He glared at her through those eyes of false pain, anger replacing the hurt. “I’m sorry you don’t trust me enough to know that my feelings for you are real. Sorry you’re going to throw away what we could have together. But I can’t make you trust in me or my love for you, Jordan. That you’ll have to figure out on your own.” He walked away, leaving her standing in the alley alone.
Just the way she’d always been. Alone. She liked it that way, right?
Leaning against the wall, she crouched down, laid her face in her hands, and let the racking sobs overtake her.
* * * * *
Sam threw his keys on his desk as he entered the office, preferring the darkness to turning on any lights.
Jordan didn’t have faith in him, didn’t trust him. Sure, he could understand it looked bad, it would have looked bad to anyone who would have walked in on that scene and found Penny draped all over him. But he’d told her how he felt, told her he loved her. And to Jordan, it had meant nothing.
Just like Penny.
Damn his ex-wife. He poured a glass of bourbon and sat down behind his desk, propping his feet on the top and leaning back in his chair. Her sense of lousy timing had always been impeccable.
Typical of Penny to go where the money was. She was even willing to try living in Magnolia again, she said, just because she realized how much she loved him. The thought made him laugh. Right. And he just fell off the turnip truck yesterday.
She’d always thought him stupid. That was her biggest mistake, and obviously she hadn’t learned a damn thing since they split up. She sure as hell hadn’t learned about love.
Penny had never loved anything in her life except money and excitement. And the guy she left him for had provided both, including an expensive lifestyle in Dallas, the big city she craved. That is until her new lover’s business went bankrupt, and Penny was forced to sacrifice. A word definitely not in her vocabulary.
So she thought she’d try her luck with her ex again. Well not this time. He may have been stupid once but he was smarter than most. Just having her hands on him tonight made his skin crawl.
How could he have ever thought she was attractive? She wore way too much makeup and dressed like a tramp. And he never noticed before how cold her eyes were.
Every moment he looked at Penny he was reminded of the warmth and light in Jordan’s emerald eyes, her soft skin, the way he felt when she touched him, the pleasure he received when he touched her. Jordan gave as much as Sam did, didn’t hold back her feelings.
Sam had wanted only to get away from Penny and find the woman he loved. But the woman he loved saw Penny throwing herself at him, and assumed he was reciprocating.
Regardless of how it looked, anyone who cared for him, who really knew him, would know it wasn’t in his nature to cheat or lie.
Fuck!
Maybe he’d been wrong about Jordan. Maybe she wasn’t the right woman for him all along. She didn’t trust him, in fact never had. And probably never would. He was better off without her.
So why did he ache so damn much right now? Why did his heart feel like a fist was wrapped around it, squeezing the life, the love, out of it?
Because despite how she felt about him, he loved her. Loved her like he had never loved another woman. And now she was leaving him, leaving Magnolia, and leaving a hole in his heart that would never heal.
Downing the contents of his glass in one gulp, he welcomed the burning in his chest, hoping it would mask the ache in his heart.
Chapter Thirteen
The doorbell rang just as Jordan finished organizing her things to pack. She ran downstairs, not really knowing who would be there but foolishly hoping it was the one person she didn’t really want to see.
She tried to mask her disappointment as she pulled the door open to find Katie. Putting on her best smile, she invited her in.
“You’re really leaving?” Katie motioned to the suitcases sitting at the bottom of the stairs as they walked down the hall towards the kitchen.
“Yes, it’s time for me to go. The house is sold and the new owners want a short closing period, so I have to be out today.”
“I can’t believe you’re really going to leave. I thought you were happy here, Jordan. I thought maybe with the success of the play you’d want to stay. And most importantly,” Katie said as she took the chair Jordan offered in the kitchen, “I thought you and Sam had something special together, and if nothing else, he’d be the reason you stayed.”
Jordan busied herself pouring tea, avoiding eye contact with Katie. “Sam and I have nothing together. We had some fun, and that was all.”
“What is it? I can tell you’re upset.”
“Nothing, really. Just a little stressed trying to get everything done before I leave.”
The look on Katie’s face showed her disbelief. “That’s not it. Talk to me.”
“There’s really nothing to—”
“Jordan,” Katie interrupted. “Tell me.”
Sighing, she sat at the table, no longer able to hide the pain she was feeling. “I found Sam with his ex-wife at the Summer Festival.”
“I heard Penny came back. Found them doing what?”
“Penny had her arms all over Sam, and his were on her,” she said and quickly relayed what she saw that night, trying not to relive the pain that stabbed her the moment she found the man she loved in the arms of his ex-wife. “Sam said it was nothing, that it was all her doing and he didn’t want any part of it.”
“You didn’t believe him, did you?”
“No.”
Katie took a deep breath. “I can’t believe Sam would do anything to deliberately hurt you. He cares deeply for you, all of us can see that. And it’s not in his nature to be a two-timer. Especially not with Penny. He learned his lesson a long time ago with her. I know for a fact he doesn’t want any part of her.”
“I know what I saw,” Jordan said defiantly.
“I’m sure you think you saw something, and I wouldn’t put it past Penny to put the moves on Sam again. I also know Sam.” With an admonishing look, she added. “And you should, too.”
She let her anger surface. It was so much easier to be angry than hurt. “What should I know?
That he’s like my father? That I never should have trusted him in the first place? Never should have…” She couldn’t finish the sentence, but Katie finished it for her.
“Never should have fallen in love with him, you mean? Are you in love with Sam?”
The tears fell despite her attempt to keep them at bay. She nodded, unable to speak and feeling stupid for her weakness.
Katie leaned over and put her arms around her. Finally Jordan let go of the emotions she’d held in check for the past few days, crying bucketfuls of tears and misery until she could barely breathe. Katie held her until the storm passed, then got up to grab some tissues and a cold cloth.
“If you love him, then you have to trust him.”
With a negative shake of her head, Jordan said, “Love is a fantasy. A woman will believe a man loves her only to find out later that he lied. They’re only faithful until someone else catches their eye. Then they’re off to the next woman. Just like my father.”
“Sam’s nothing like your father.”
“He’s exactly like my father.”
Katie heaved a sigh. “Jordan, if you’re ever going to find love—real love, you’ll have to learn to trust. And you can trust Sam. I know it.”
“I appreciate that, Katie, I really do. But I just…can’t. Not now. Maybe not ever.” The realization hit her like a cold slap in the face. She’d never be able to trust a man.
“You have to let go of the past sometime. Let your parents go. Theirs was a mistake from the beginning, but it has nothing to do with you. You can’t judge all men by your father.”
When she turned her head away, Katie grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look her in the eye. “You have a chance to have the kind of love most people only dream of. As your friend I’m going to tell you this one last time. Don’t be stupid. Don’t walk away from someone who loves you. You’ll end up alone and miserable.”
* * * * *
Alone and miserable. One week back in New York, and that’s exactly how Jordan felt. Thinking distance would be the best thing for her, she couldn’t wait to return to the familiar sights and sounds of New York City. Get back to work, get busy, and get her mind off Sam.
And her dream, the one she dreamt for so long, was finally in reach. She’d made enough money on the sale of the house to invest in her own theater. But she couldn’t muster up enough enthusiasm to care. In fact, the whole idea of starting a theater in New York no longer held any appeal.
Every time she thought about the money, her mind strayed to what she could build in Magnolia. The type of community theater that would bring revenues into a small town. With the diverse talents available there, let alone who she might find from the surrounding communities, she might have created a wonderful little theater right in her hometown. But that wasn’t her dream.
And wasn’t she supposed to stick to her goals? Pining after the man she’d lost would be something her mother would have done.
She wasn’t her mother.
So she’d loved, and she’d lost. Big deal. She’d get over it. For years she’d done just fine without a man in her life. It was time to get back to work, and forget about romance, about sex, about everything and anything having to do with Sam Tanner.
Right now she was busy trying to catch up, getting used to a new director. Clive Latrelle. The man was a tyrant, bellowing out orders and never satisfied with anything. Jordan could barely stand to work with him. Clive would be directing the new play for the next few months and would probably get worse. Directors like him always did. But it was her job.
She hated it. Hated her job, hated New York, hated the fact that not a single soul knew anything about her. She could die and no one would notice she was missing. She had no real friends. No one waved or said hello to her as she walked down the street. No friendly faces welcomed her when she walked into a store. No one here even knew her. She had no close girlfriends like Katie, no one she could confide in or just hang out with. Jordan was a stranger among a million people, instead of a friend and neighbor to hundreds.
But it was more than that.
She missed Sam so much she thought she’d die. Distance didn’t help erase the pain of being away from him. It only served to remind her how much she loved him, how much she needed him.
Lonely nights in her apartment gave her time to think about Sam, about what happened between the two of them. Had Katie been right? Was she completely wrong about what she’d seen that night in the alley?
In order to believe that Sam had been telling the truth, she’d have to trust.
Trust didn’t come easy, especially relating to men. Too many years watching men play her mother for a fool had taught her not to put her faith in anything a man said.
Her mother had always had hope. Hope that the new guy she dallied with would be the right one, and when that didn’t work out, hope that the next one would be better.
She’d hoped her way right into an early grave, miserably unhappy.
No way would Jordan trust implicitly.
Then again, she wasn’t her mother. Her mother just wanted too much; her dreams were too big. She searched for a perfect man, and one didn’t exist. When she didn’t find him, she found fault with the ones she was with, eventually driving them all away.
Did Jordan do the same thing to Sam? Had she been so convinced that she was right and he was wrong that she purposely walked away from something that could have been wonderful?
Why would he tell her he loved her and then take up with another woman the same day?
That didn’t make sense.
That kind of behavior wasn’t Sam.
Oh, God. He had told her the truth. His ex-wife had thrown herself at him in an attempt to reconcile.
None of this had been Sam’s fault. It had been hers. Her own fears, her own inability to trust. He’d given her his heart and she’d stomped all over it and threw it back at him, then made it worse by calling him a liar.
She hadn’t believed that he loved her.
How could Sam love her? Her own mother hadn’t loved her enough to stay with her.
God, she needed a shrink. How stupid was she? She had the man of her dreams in the palm of her hand and she blew him away like dust.
And now she was back in New York, with way too much time on her hands to think. Think about what was happening in Magnolia. Missing the familiar sights and smells of Belle Coeur. Missing the man who had shared her bed, who had shared her life.
New York was no longer her haven, her hiding place from real feelings and emotion. If nothing else, it only reminded her how empty her life had been before she returned to Magnolia. She’d buried herself so deeply in her career that she’d forgotten what was really important.
Now she knew what she was missing. Friendship, neighbors, people who knew and cared about her, and most importantly, love.
All these years she’d wondered what it was like to have a real, traditional family. Oh sure, she’d had Grandma, and Grandma had given her all the love and family one person could. Had she opened her eyes and her heart she would have realized that the entire town of Magnolia was her family.
All the years wondering what it was like to love someone. Someone who loved her back. She’d had that. With Sam.
Katie was right. The kind of love most people never experienced had been hers for the taking, and she’d foolishly let it go. But was it too late? Could she still have a chance at happiness, the kind her mother searched for and never found? Did she have the guts enough to try?
She was tired of thinking about it. Tired of being inactive, too paralyzed by fear to reach out for what she really wanted. No more. It was time for her to grow up, take a chance, even if she failed. She’d at least know she tried.
It was time for Jordan to put her parents’ pain to rest, and live her own life.
“Miss Weston!” Clive Latrelle bellowed down at her as she sat in the first row of seats making notes. “Where is my tea? I expressly instructed my tea was to be brought to me at
precisely ten a.m. It is now ten minutes after ten and I do not see it. Bring it to me now!”
Assistant Director, her behind. Jordan wasn’t an assistant, she was his personal maid.
“Miss Weston, are you deaf? Now, woman, now!”
That was it. She calmly placed her clipboard in the seat beside her, walked up the stairs to the stage and approached him. Clive was a short, pudgy-faced little gnome with a receding hairline and a huge ego. She’d bet he had a dick the size of pencil eraser, too. Smiling sweetly at him, she replied, “Get it yourself.”
Clive’s face reddened in surprise and anger. “What?”
Jordan sensed a hissy fit of epic proportions was about to take place.
“You heard me,” she replied calmly. “Get it yourself, you pompous, egotistical, bald-headed old fool. I quit.” She turned and walked from the theater, smiling as she heard Clive sputtering curses at her retreating form.
“Miss Weston! Where are you going?”
Jordan threw her head back and laughed with pure joy. “Home,” she said to herself as she walked out the door. “I’m going home.”
* * * * *
Another day, Sam thought as he pulled his truck into the parking spot in front of TNT. Another mundane day. Go to work, work until you’re so exhausted you can’t think, then collapse at home and try to sleep. Trouble was, sleep wasn’t coming. Hadn’t come since Jordan left.
God, he missed her. More than he thought he would. When she left, he was crushed. Pissed off. Disappointed that she didn’t have enough faith in him to trust him. But still he missed her. He even foolishly looked for her on the street every day, hoping to see her red hair flying as she turned the corner.
Foolish was right. She was gone. Back to New York, her big city. Back to where she was happy. As far away from Sam as she could get.
Snap out of it man! Get a grip and get on with your life. She isn’t coming back. Your love wasn’t enough for her, so let her go.
