Spies, Dad, Big Lauren and Me

by Joanna Nadin

  I am going to do Plan B as soon as I’ve found Dolly at Mr A M Feinstein’s. Big Lauren can’t come because she has to go to her cousins in Swansea, so it’s a solo mission. But, like Zac Black says, ‘That’s the way I like it.’

  Sunday

  15th June

  Something else Bad has happened. It’s not as bad as the wedding. But it still has a capital B.

  Everything was fine at breakfast, even when Mum asked why was I wearing a woolly hat to go to football, wouldn’t I be hot? I said it was in case Preston Bates kicked my head again and she just rolled her eyes at Dave, which is code for, ‘That boy is odd.’ Anyway, then Dave went to work in the Ford Fiesta Zetec and Mum took Stan to Arthur Malik’s in the Toyota Corolla and I walked to Beasley Street. But when I got to the end of the road, Kyle Perry was sitting on his front wall, which is actually just some broken concrete because his dad knocked it down with his van by mistake, and he said, ‘Oi, Grimshaw, where are you going?’ And I said, ‘Nowhere.’ Then he said, ‘What are they?’ and he was pointing at my binoculars so I said, ‘Binoculars. For seeing things at a distance.’ Then Kyle stood up and he is quite a few centimetres taller than me and said, ‘Want to come with us?’ And I said, ‘I can’t, I have to go to Beasley Street.’ But Kyle said, ‘You said you was going nowhere.’ Which was true. So in the end I said yes because I couldn’t tell him about Mr A M Feinstein and Nan’s cat Dolly, because he’d laugh, and I couldn’t tell him about football because he knows I am rubbish at football and he’d laugh. So that is how I ended up in Mr Patel’s as a decoy.

  Kyle said I had a good face for a decoy, because I didn’t have an earring or shaved head and I looked like a complete geek, which is good for shopkeepers and also teachers etc., because geeks do not generally steal. So I had to talk to Mr Patel about Dolly the cat still being missing while Kyle took three packets of cola bottles and some strawberry bootlaces and put them inside his jacket. Mr Patel said it was sad because Nan was his best cat food customer as well, and she hadn’t bought any for a week and had only been in once for the Echo in case there was a headline story about Dolly, which there wasn’t. And all the time the electricity in my stomach was going mental and I thought I might actually be sick until I heard the bell on the door ding and I knew Kyle had got away. I said, ‘I’ve got to go.’ And Mr Patel said, ‘Here, son.’ And he held out a Double Decker. I said, ‘No, you’re all right.’ But he said, ‘Take it. You’re a good boy, Billy.’

  But I’m not. I’m not good. Because I haven’t found Dolly or cased Mr A M Feinstein or been to football. Instead I’ve helped Kyle Perry steal from Mr Patel, and I’ve two bags of Haribo that Kyle gave me as my share of the deal and a Double Decker, which I don’t even like, and I can’t tell Mum because then she’ll know I didn’t go to football.

  I’ve put the stuff up the chimney with the logbook. But I still feel sick and there’s so much electricity in me that I’ve done forty-seven press-ups and ten jumps and counted the glo-stars and I’m still tingling. Mum said maybe the football isn’t such a good idea because it’s got me all over-excited, and maybe she needs to check with Dr Singh and get more tests done, but I said no I am definitely going next week and can Dave take me please in the Ford Fiesta Zetec. And then Mum smiled, because she thinks it’s because I like Dave now. But I don’t. It’s just that I don’t want to be a decoy and steal things. I want to be a spy and work for the Greater Good.

  Monday

  16th June

  The Bad thing number two has got worse.

  I thought today would be a good day because there was no school because it is an INSET day, i.e. the teachers are doing learning for once (not an INSECT day, which is what Stan thought, i.e. with loads of beetles everywhere). Mum was at work and Dave’s friend Dave Two was coming round to play WarRaiders on the computer, which usually means me and Stan can do whatever we like, i.e. make an obstacle course in the garden with the mini trampoline and the slide. Anyway we were jumping off the slide on to the trampoline and I heard the doorbell go, because it is really loud and plays ‘Clair de Lune’. Then Dave came out and said, ‘Your friend’s here, Billy.’ And at first I thought it was Big Lauren, but then I remembered she was still at her cousins’ in Swansea, and I felt a bad feeling in my stomach again, and when I went inside it got worse, because Kyle Perry was sat on the sofa in the front room in a shiny tracksuit and gold necklace with a K on it. Dave said, ‘Would you boys like some Coke?’ Kyle said yes and I nodded. Then, when Dave went to get it from the kitchen, Kyle said, ‘Have you told anyone about yesterday?’ And I said no. And he said, ‘Well, don’t, because I’ll be watching you,’ and he did the sign that means ‘I’m watching you’ off that film with Robert de Niro. And I said, ‘I won’t tell anyone. I swear.’ Then he said, ‘Mr Patel is a muppet anyway. He smells of curry.’ And I said, ‘Yeah’, even though that’s not being tolerant and respectful of people, and is why wars start. As soon as I’d said it I felt the electricity jump inside me again, so that when Dave came in with the Coke and a packet of Jaffa Cakes I knew I wouldn’t be able to swallow any down and they’d be stuck in my throat. But Kyle didn’t have electricity. He drank all his Coke and ate seven Jaffa Cakes, which is almost as many as Big Lauren. Then he did a burp and said, ‘Your dad’s all right.’ And I said, ‘He’s not my dad, he’s Dave.’ So Kyle said, ‘Where’s your real dad? Is he dead?’ and I said, ‘No, he lives in London. He’s a spy.’ And Kyle said, ‘For real?’ and I said, ‘Yes. He lives in a loft and works for MI5.’ And Kyle said, ‘I wish my dad lived in London. He works down the welders on the ring road.’ Then he went a bit quiet like he was thinking about something or maybe he was just looking at the stain on the floor where Stan trod on a chocolate button. Then he looked at me and said, ‘Got to go. See you in school, Grimshaw.’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’ And he went.

  And Dave said, ‘Your friend seems nice, Billy.’

  But he’s not my friend. And he’s not nice. Not at all.

  Tuesday

  7th June

  When I woke up I still felt sick because of the stealing and Kyle Perry being my friend so I told Mum I had stomach-ache, which was true. But Mum said, ‘Not today for heaven’s sake, Billy, Dave’s on a double shift and I can’t afford to be off before the wedding.’ And she took my temperature with Dave’s digital thermometer and it was 36.9 Celsius, which is normal. So I had to go. And all the way in Mum was in a bad mood. It’s because she is annoyed with me for being friends with Kyle Perry because he’s a bad influence, and annoyed with Dave for letting him in the house and also for not agreeing he is a bad influence. Dave says Kyle’s probably misunderstood and has a hard time at home. I said I didn’t invite him and it’s not my fault if he likes me. But she said, ‘Just try to ignore him.’

  And I tried to. When I walked into the classroom I sat straight down next to Lauren and pretended not to hear Kyle say, ‘All right, Grimshaw?’ And when he passed me a cola bottle under the table I just let it roll on to the floor and Big Lauren picked it up and ate it. But at lunch he made me notice him. I was on the field with Big Lauren reading Heat magazine but he came over and said, ‘Bog off, Fatty,’ to her which isn’t respectful either, but she did bog off because she’s scared of Kyle Perry. Then Kyle said, ‘You’re my mate now, you don’t have to hang around with fat girls any more.’ I said, ‘She’s not fat, she’s big-boned.’ But Kyle looked at me like I was mental so I said, ‘And she’s not my friend.’ He shrugged and said, ‘Whatever. Anyway, you’re my lookout, Spy Boy. Come with me.’

  And so I did. Because part of me, the boy part, was scared to say no. And because another part, the spy part, liked being ‘Spy Boy’. But I wished I hadn’t. I wished I’d listened to Mum and pretended to be deaf or blind or dead or something. Because then he did another bad thing.

  He went and found Sean Hawkes, who has diabetes and is called Sugar-Free Sean, and made him go behind the bike shed. And then Kyle took his rucksack off him and got something out. It was a Mari
o computer game and I know it was new because Sean was showing it to Stephen Warren in registration. Then Kyle threw the rucksack back and said, ‘Thanks, Sean.’ And all the time I was supposed to look out for Wing Nuts or Miss Horridge or Mrs Peacock who is our dinner lady. And I tried to. I tried to look at the field. I tried to make my eyes move but they wouldn’t. They just looked at Kyle and what he was doing. And it was like I was doing it too. Holding Sean’s head against the wall. Jabbing my fingers in his face. Taking his stuff. Even though I was just standing there, I was still guilty.

  Then it was over and Kyle grabbed my arm and made me run back to the main field. I said, ‘But he’ll tell.’ And Kyle said, ‘No he won’t. There’s two of us and only one of him.’

  And I thought that, if I was with Sean, then Kyle would be the one on his own. And I wondered if that would make a difference. But then I thought that maybe Sean would be the one with Kyle, and I would be the one being held against the wall. And I didn’t know which was worse.

  After school, Big Lauren came over and Mum let her in before I could say no. She came up to my room and sat on the blue duvet and said, ‘Why are you hanging out with Kyle Perry? He’s a headcase.’ I said, ‘I’m not, he’s hanging out with me.’ And she said, ‘Yeah, right’, which means ‘That is a lie.’ Then she said did I want to think of Plan B about vegetarianism but I said no thanks. Because I didn’t want to do plans. I just wanted to count the glo-stars and make the feeling go away.

  Wednesday

  18th June

  Sean Hawkes has got a bruise on his wrist. It is from where Kyle grabbed it. I know this because he sat next to me at lunch which is where Big Lauren normally sits only she was sitting next to Karen Connolly today who is her second best friend after me. And he said, ‘You have to tell Wing Nuts or Miss Horridge what happened,’ but I could see Kyle Perry on the free dinners table and he did the sign that means, ‘I’m watching you.’ So I said, ‘What are you talking about?’ Sean said, ‘Behind the bike shed. I know you were there.’ But Kyle was still watching me so I said I needed the toilet and I just got up and went to the loo. And I didn’t even come out when Mrs Peacock knocked on the door and said, ‘Are you all right in there, Billy Grimshaw?’ I said, ‘Yes, thanks.’ And she went away.

  But the sick feeling didn’t and at break I said to Miss Horridge I was ill and couldn’t go outside so she said, ‘OK, get your bag, you had better go and see Miss Butterworth. Someone can go with you.’ And I said, ‘I’ll go on my own,’ but Kyle said, ‘I’ll go, miss,’ and Miss Horridge is always trying to get him to be more responsible and caring so she was all happy and said, ‘That is very kind, Kyle. Thank you.’ But on the way he made me go into the junior toilet and he said, ‘Here you go.’ It was the Mario computer game. The one he stole off Sean. I said no thanks but Kyle said, ‘It’s yours. Instead of that WarRaiders Dave was playing. That’s rubbish. Anyway, you’re my mate now.’

  So I took it. Because I had to. And I pushed it to the bottom of my bag where no one could see it. And then I went to Miss Butterworth and told her I felt sick, and she said, ‘Oh not another one,’ because there’s Norovirus going round at the moment, and that I’d better lie down and she would call my mum. So she called the emergency contact number and said, ‘The cavalry’s on its way.’

  But when the cavalry got here it wasn’t Mum, it was Dave. And I started crying. And Dave just picked me up and carried me to the car even though he is short and a nurse and not a secret agent and I stopped crying so much because it felt a bit safe.

  When I got home I went upstairs but not to bed. I had to put the game up the chimney with the sweets and the logbook. And I tried to forget about them and just think about feeling safe when Dave was carrying me. But it was like they were all glowing through the wall, like the stars, and shouting, and I could see them and hear them, even when I shut my eyes and put my hands over my ears.

  I kept thinking Dave or Mum would hear them as well, but when Mum came up she just stroked my head again. And she said, ‘I’m so sorry, Billy. I shouldn’t have sent you in. I didn’t listen. I’ll stay off tomorrow. Stacey can cover.’

  And after a while the game and the sweets quietened down. And there were still fifty glo-stars. And then I wasn’t scared of Kyle Perry, I was annoyed. Because he was distracting me from the important stuff. Like finding Dolly. And getting rid of Dave. And getting Dad back. And I knew I needed to get my eye back on the ball, like Wayne Rooney.

  Or Zac Black.

  Thursday

  19th June

  I did Plan B today. Not just thought of it. But actually did it. It was a surprise, even to me. But Zac Black says it’s all about surprise. And details. But mostly surprise.

  It was because today was bangers and mash for tea. Mum said it at breakfast, when she was being extra nice to me because of making me go to school yesterday. She said if I felt better by teatime I could have bangers and mash. And then the idea just came into my mind and hovered there all big and shimmering and I knew what I had to do. I had to do the GREAT SAUSAGE SWAP. So after my toast and Lucozade, which is what Mum always gives us when we are ill, I said I had to go back to bed to recover a bit more, but actually it was to do the details. So by the time Dave came back from work I knew exactly what was going to happen.

  What I did was, while Mum was tidying Stan’s room, which she says is a complete bomb-site because his Playmobil is all over the floor and there’s felt tip stains on the duvet, I put some of our normal sausages inside Dave’s Linda McCartney vegetarian sausages box and put the real Linda McCartney ones in the bin under a banana skin and some potato peel. So when Mum did tea she cooked just real sausages but in two separate frying pans because Dave doesn’t like meat atoms on his food. Mum said, ‘It’s amazing how realistic those Linda McCartney’s are, I don’t think I’ll miss meat at all if I give it up.’ And I thought, ‘That’s what you think.’ At the table Dave poked his sausages and said, ‘Are you sure these are Linda’s?’ and Mum said, ‘Of course, what do you think I’m trying to do? Poison you?’ And I thought chance would be a fine thing. But Dave cut a piece with his knife and put it on his fork and I watched as he opened his mouth and put it in. And he chewed, and it was like it was in slow motion, because it took ages and all the focus was on his mouth, but eventually he actually swallowed. And cut another piece. And another. Until he had eaten two out of his three sausages. I said, ‘Are you enjoying your bangers and mash, Dave?’ and Dave said, ‘Why thank you, Billy, yes I am. Are you?’ And I said, ‘Yes, I feel a lot better now.’ And Stan said, ‘Those aren’t Linda’s, those are real ones – look, there’s some gristle.’ And Dave looked at his fork and then he went all pale and then ran to the loo and I heard him spit out the sausage and cough. But no sick came up. Mum went after him and I heard her say, ‘Sorry, Dave. I’m so sorry.’ And he said, ‘Christ, Jeanie, didn’t you check?’ And she said, ‘They were definitely in the Linda box.’ And then it all went quiet. And when Mum came back in her lips were really thin and her forehead was all creased and she said, ‘Billy Grimshaw, did you swap the sausages over so that Dave ate meat?’ And I said, ‘Why doesn’t Dave eat meat? It’s not normal.’ And she said, ‘That wasn’t an answer.’ So I said yes. And she said, ‘Go to your room, now. I’ll deal with you later.’

  So I did. Even though it wasn’t part of the plan. In Plan B Dave was supposed to shout at her and Mum would say, ‘Well, you’re stupid for being a vegetarian,’ and then Dave would move back to Pilkington Street and Mum would realise she only loved men who ate meat. Like Dad.

  When Mum came up she was still really angry. She said I had to say sorry to her and sorry to Dave, and that was the last time she was falling for my pretend illnesses, and she didn’t know what had got into me lately, I was completely out of control, and it was a good job she was marrying Dave because I needed some flaming discipline, and Dave was a good man and what had he ever done to me. And I thought, ‘Ask you to marry him.’ But I didn’t say it. Instead I
said sorry. To her and to Dave.

  But now I need a Plan C. Zac Black didn’t mention a Plan C.

  Friday

  20th June

  I had to go to school today. I tried to say no but Mum and Dave were busy arguing because Stan wanted to take his wedding suit in for show and tell and Dave said, ‘Well at least it’s interesting.’ Because she is always telling Stan to take in something interesting, not just his Millennium Falcon like he normally does. But Mum said, ‘Are you stupid? He’ll have it covered in Plasticine by first break. There is no way he is taking it. Can’t he take your nurse watch?’ Which is upside down and is stuck on Dave’s shirt. But Dave said, ‘You must be joking, he’ll swap it for a piece of tat, knowing him.’ Because swapping is big in Year 1. Stan has already swapped an Ewok for a lightsaber and the light doesn’t even work and Arthur Malik tried to swap his brother Archie for a Power Rangers water bottle, but his mum said no.

  Mum said, ‘So it’s OK if he swaps his wedding suit but not your watch.’ And Dave said, ‘I give up’ and went to work. And Mum got even crosser and made Stan get a broken Bionicle for show and tell because she doesn’t care if he swaps that, and drove us to school and didn’t even say goodbye properly. And I wanted to say, ‘Stay, Mum.’ But I couldn’t. Because you’re not allowed to when you are in juniors, you’re supposed to be grown-up and just walk on your own into class. So I did. I walked on my own, and I breathed in, because you can’t be sick if you have air in your lungs, it’s a fact.