by Mark McCoy
In cool weather, I throw a jacket over my shirt. Forget about your dad’s jackets. Today, there are some really nice jackets out there, leather, corduroy, cotton, so many different styles – patched, distressed, destroyed. My jackets are from brands like Armani and Boss, along with a few finds from unknown but excellent Italian, Spanish and American brands.
Sometimes, you may still have the urge to go out looking elegant. There’s a winning formula. I learned it from the salespeople at the Armani store in London – classic black shoes, nice black trousers, a new black T-shirt that sits perfectly (not tucked in) and a tailored but cool black jacket. Every woman will be crazy about how you look. You can take off the jacket and look young, casual. Leave the jacket on, and look respectable but stylish and cool, someone who doesn’t rely on anyone. Here’s the trick: Go to the movies, look at the hero. If he’s a not a senior banker, statesman, or the chairman of some company, he’s not wearing a suit and tie. Scriptwriters want women to go crazy over him. Pay attention to the exact style. Try to remember or even take notes. Put them in your pocket, and you’ll have a couple of role models.
Now, let’s talk about shopping for a minute. First of all, look for a saleswoman. Many of the men who work in clothing stores are gay and if you leave the work of dressing in the hands of a gay man, there’s a good chance you’ll come out looking great to gay men. The question is, who do you want to look great for? If you’re dressing for women, let a woman dress you. Let her dress you as though you are her man.
Look at the mannequins in the shop window. You’ll see some good styles and outfits. Choose a mannequin whose look you like. Look at a store poster. In most cases, it features the store’s best look. By the way, that’s most true when it comes to sunglasses. There, everything is design and image. Look at the poster. On the face of the gorgeous model, they’ll display the season’s best sunglasses. Ask for them right away. Don’t be surprised if they’ve run out. Anyone who has half a brain has already bought them.
Sunglasses, by the way, tend to get lost. Keep a pair in the car. Leave them there. When you get out of the car in the middle of the day, put them on, but at the end of the day, put them back in the glove compartment. Now I want to point out something critical. If your sunglasses are connected to a string and sometimes you take off the sunglasses and let them hang around your neck, you’re in trouble. It’s not sexy. Sunglass designers do everything they can to make you look good. A man with the right sunglasses looks great. If designers thought that having a string hanging from the glasses made anyone look better, they would have added it themselves. That string transforms a fashionable accessory into a donkey harness. Worse still – if your regular glasses are also hanging from a string around your neck, and you switch between the glasses when needed, you’re a donkey and you’re stuck .
Shoes
Everything starts with the shoes. When I go to meetings with new people, the first thing I do is check out their shoes. It’s a habit from when I was in the service, but it works fine in civilian life, too. Let’s say the man in front of you is pretending to be a wealthy businessman. He’ll show up in a suit and tie, but two things will give him away: his shoes and his belt. These two items will be scuffed and faded, out of style and won’t match his outfit. A belt is a matter for professionals, but the shoes will scream the truth. You can check my thesis in any casino. Gamblers must dress up because there’s a dress code, but a look at their shoes reveals the truth. The man in the dark suit, his shoes are light khaki. Scuffed, stained, lost their original shape long ago and took on the shape of his clumsy foot. Boat shoes that became sinking ships, just like him. Anyone who needs a costume will rent a suit but stay in his own shoes.
Let me say this: If you have the money to buy just one item, don’t think twice. Buy yourself a good pair of shoes. Don’t scrimp. Wedding suits can be rented, but not shoes.
With jeans, I recommend shoes that don’t have laces. Most recommended: low boots. Leave your high boots in Texas. Low boots give you good posture, make you a bit taller, are easy to put on and take off, and there are so many varieties to choose from. With dark blue jeans, I recommend dark brown boots. With light jeans, go for black.
Pointed boots are more masculine, and can be polished or rough. It’s part of their charm. Sturdy boots may come with a zipper on the side. Soft leather boots need to be of good quality, with a little rounded tip, well-kept and cared for. Such boots may come with an elastic side, and are essentially stylish designer shoes, just plain, without laces and covering the ankle. As for boat shoes, the problem with them is taste and understanding. Most boat shoes are awful. Few are the work of an expert designer. If you’re not sure of your own sense of style, consult with someone. In any case, don’t buy cheap boat shoes. They’ll look like bloated kayaks within a month. And don’t ever wear boat shoes without socks. It may look tempting, but it’s a stinky, sticky trap. Remember that pair of socks you have in reserve. Go to a movie without first going home first? The least you can do is change your socks.
Sweats
If you’re not a style king and don’t have incredible taste, it’s best that you never wear a tracksuit. Ever. Sweatpants are rarely flattering. It’s a matter of cut, design, fabric. It’s not by chance that most people who wear tracksuits are not waiting for anyone. It’s an article of clothing that fits somewhere between a hospital gown and pajamas and that final resting place that we’re not going to think about. Nevertheless, there are some great tracksuits out there, mostly from companies that specialize in fashionable sportswear. There are also successful brands of jeans that make great exercise wear. Go to one of those stores and ask to see the styles. Try them on. Sweatpants don’t need to be really tight, but they shouldn’t look like a laundry bag, either. If you wear sweatpants, wear running shoes. Ideally, ones that are cool and not too wide. Don’t ever wear sweats with sandals .
Most importantly: Don’t ever wear a tracksuit with matching sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It’s the insult of the century. If you’re wearing sweatpants, wear a T-shirt. If you bump into a man wearing a tracksuit, walk away quickly. And while I’m already talking to you, I would say that you should also stay away from anyone wearing jean overalls, unless you’re Angelina Jolie, in a movie about a woman who is painting her rented apartment.
Zorba or Charles
It’s time to decide who you are, a Greek god or a British prince. This will help you with both women and fish.
Many women argue that you can know whether a man will be good in bed according to whether or not he likes seafood. There’s something to that. We’re not talking about the length of his dick or intercourse, we’re talking about attitude. Approach to life. Libido. I’ve never liked men who compared a woman’s vagina to fish. I was insulted for the women and for the fish. There’s nothing like a vagina and nothing like fish. For men who don’t like oral sex because there’s something that disgusts them, I feel sorry for them. It’s like not hugging your son because he’s sticky from a lollipop. And then they still want a blow job, even though their balls are as sticky as the floor of a cab. In other words, it’s about time you decide who you are – Zorba or Charles.
Why Zorba or Charles? We’re talking about two different models of masculinity. The first is Zorba. You’ll see him sitting at the port in Marseilles with his friends over fish soup. He cracks lobsters with his hands and sucks out their soft white flesh. He dips a slice of bread into the fish sauce and rinses it down with a glass of Pernod. You can also find him at the Caviar House in London’s Heathrow airport. Jeans and a light jacket. His financial status may be better than that of Zorba in Marseilles, but both of them love life. In Heathrow, he sits over a bowl of mussels and a glass of white wine. He’s happy to spend thirty pounds sterling on a meal, even though in another thirty minutes he’ll be served a free one on the plane. He has style and passion, and isn’t going to give them up for a reheated meal served on a plastic tray.
You can also meet him in a Greek village. At ele
ven o’clock in the morning, he devours a bowl of sardines with a glass of ouzo. You’ll also see him at the market in Barcelona, in Tuscany, in Provence, on a yacht in Turkey feasting on lamb chops with a bottle of red wine. This man belongs to a cult. An instinctive and sensual cult. A man that loves to suck anything, especially life.
The other man is Charles. You’ll find him at tourist restaurants. Usually he can’t stand the thought of eating fish. He doesn’t have any high culinary demands. Eating for him is about satisfying hunger. He would prefer to eat a simple steak with potatoes or rice, drink cola and have pudding for dessert. This type of man is more calculating, less adventurous. Less open to my taste of life. You could meet this man all over Europe, making a sour face, at the table next to Zorba.
Of course this is a generalization, but Zorba goes after the heart and passion while Charles pursues logic and viability. Who is more relatable to you? Ask a woman. Despite the financial temptation, most will prefer Zorba the Greek. Zorba will spend his last penny on a good meal and a warm woman. Prince Charles would turn his back on Diana, even if she was queen. Give me Diana and I will convert. Virtuous teacher by day, wild beast by night. Zorba will go down on a woman even if she’s walked through the desert for a week because he understands that sex that isn’t dirty just isn’t sex. Charles will think eighty times if he should insert a finger or not, even if the princess has just come out of a dishwasher.
One of my friends, who owned several gas stations in the eastern United States, said that he thinks we are doing Charles an injustice. Charles was actually quite naughty, he says, and simply preferred Camilla to Diana. “Maybe,” I said to him while we ate at a friend’s house. “But if we could invite one of them to a meal – Zorba or Charles – who could hang out with us, laugh with us, and won’t show up with a handkerchief in his jacket pocket, who would you invite? Who would you trust more if something happened and we needed help?”
“It depends on what type of help we needed,” my friend replied. “Close a tab with sailors at a bar or get a passport from an enemy country.”
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It doesn’t matter who you want to be, a Greek god or a British prince, when it comes to food, you need to understand. It will help you understand something about the taste of life. Food is an existential and eternal pleasure, and it’s always available. Pleasure in food attests to passion. Food can be the cauldron for heating up your relationship with your spouse. Cooking is easy. Three cookbooks, a few games in the kitchen, and you’re an amateur cook. We’ll get to it. Feed her – with a fork, with your hand, with a piece of toast that you serve her. It indicates intimacy and caring. It’s romantic and sensual. Serving from a common dish is a great chance for building your future together. A few iron rules:
In restaurants, give her the better seat. Don’t sit like an old man at McDonald’s. Connect with the hostess, the waitress, the shift manager or whoever else is in charge of things so that you come out satisfied. Go into the kitchen and compliment the chef. Show interest. Tell them to send something tasty to the table.
Don’t eat too much. I have a tradition with my wife. We order two appetizers and a single entree to share. Sometimes three appetizers. It’s a great system. Varied, together, and not so much that you overeat.
At home, when you prepare food, open a bottle of wine (for instructions, see the chapter about wine). Forget about large meals at set times. Surprise her at midnight with a thin liver pâté sandwich and a glass of cognac. I promise, afterwards you’ll fall asleep with a smile.
When it comes to breakfast on the weekend, don’t hesitate to open a bottle of champagne. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Pour a bit of Crème de Cassis into the glass first, it’s called a “Kir Royale.” A slice of salmon with lemon and your breakfast looks just like the one Bradley Cooper is having.
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We’ll get to home cooking in a minute, but first I want you to specialize on a different front. It’s important to me that you become an expert in fish and shellfish. Not just because you probably understand regular things as much as everyone else, but mainly because your woman will be very impressed. You don’t have to tell her where you got this information from. For all I care, you can tell her that you worked on a fishing boat in Alaska. A basic note: Fish is eaten in a fish restaurant. Not in restaurants that serve everything along with fish. Restaurants that you know, the kind where the chef has been living and breathing the sea since he was a boy. There’s no shortage of them, everywhere in the world. You can identify them without having to know the chef. You can identify them after you know the fish.
How to choose fresh fish
The gills – Lift the gills beside the head of the fish. They should be bright red. If the color is too dark or too bright, it’s a sign that the fish isn’t fresh. Second, the gills should spread like an accordion. If they are stuck together – not fresh.
The fish eyes should be transparent, taut, clean and convex. The pupils should be sharp and clear. If they aren’t, don’t buy.
Feel free to touch. Press the middle of the fish. The indent should return to its original place immediately. If it doesn’t, it’s not fresh.
Whether you’re choosing a fish in the market or from the daily catch at a seaside restaurant, note all of these things. In the market, don’t be swayed by talk about “the fishing boat that just unloaded its catch.” These are tricks by fishermen who came back from sea last winter. In a restaurant, ask to see the fish before it’s prepared. Check it according to the guidelines above. Employees will be impressed by your understanding, just don’t go overboard. If it’s a serious restaurant with certificates, you have nothing to worry about.
Shellfish are a more sensitive story, but no less worthwhile. It may turn out that shellfish aren’t your favorite dish. If I were you, I wouldn’t give up. I would try to crack the mystery of the magical oyster. It’s enough to try it with the right guide and the secret is yours. It’s true that an oyster’s appearance and texture can be a bit threatening. The taste of the oyster isn’t obvious either, and does require some effort. But give me an hour in a good oyster bar and I’d be able to change your mind. Okay, let’s be fair. Out of ten people, I’d succeed with seven.
Clearly, there’s a psychological aspect to all of this. It’s not by chance that some men giggle at the sight of an oyster. It reminds them of a vagina. I think this shows their childish attitude toward the female organ. It’s worth remembering that oysters are the peak of food luxury. It’s no coincidence that the oyster is considered to be an aphrodisiac. Anyway, I’m interested in one thing at the moment. Let’s say you love oysters and your girlfriend doesn’t. What do you do?
Don’t care.
Try a bit to convince her and then leave her alone.
Decide that you are going to make her love oysters .
I am one of those men who chooses the third option. In my opinion, it’s one of the secrets. You know something wonderful, why not work hard until your partner enjoys it too?
So, how do you move her to switch sides, you ask. Good. I like it. First of all, choose a place that specializes in oysters. One of my favorites is the Oyster Bar in London’s Chelsea neighborhood. There, and anywhere else in the world with the same amount of class, I recommend choosing the right oyster for beginners; that is, smaller oysters with a delicate texture. Start with a suitable bottle of wine – champagne or Chablis, or maybe Gewurztraminer, whose bold flavor balances the oysters. A refreshing and crisp champagne allows the oyster to slide harmoniously. By the way, you can also tell her that the fact that champagne, the queen of wines, goes so wonderfully with oysters proves their natural status as the shellfish that sits at the summit of culinary delights.
It’s best if you prepare the oyster for her. After looking at all the oysters that have been served, choose the small, flat ones, with the least problematic texture. Separate the oyster meat from the base of the shell, drip on it two drops of lemon juice, a flat teaspoon of wine vinegar with finely chopped
shallots, and a drop of red tabasco sauce. Pour a glass of wine for her and serve the detached oyster to her mouth while it’s still resting in its shell. It’s not a bad idea to immediately serve her a piece of toast with Dutch butter to help with the bite.
A small smile. The devil’s not so bad after all. Now don’t bother her. She doesn’t have to eat another one. No need to weigh her down the first time. You can go back to it in two weeks. You need to continue working on it. Stick to it. She mustn’t try herself and have a bad experience with an oyster that’s too fat or one that is more suitable to advanced eaters. We’re likely to lose her. You need to be by her side a few times, until she gains confidence. Until the taste grows on her. Until she is addicted. If you behave this way with everything, she’ll become addicted to you, too.
The Sixth Sense
And the diamonds wink in Cyprus
We practiced this many times. You go into the room. Everything looks normal. Go and find what isn’t. In a room that’s supposed to have been empty for a week, an analog clock shows the right time. There’s no mechanical clock that continues to work after forty-eight hours. Someone was here. Turned on the TV, watched the channel it is set on. That’s what the person who was here saw. What did they think at that moment? That’s how you know if the housekeeper was here watching her soap opera in your room.
Or a police officer arrives to fill in the report. You leave the café in a sprint, saying, “I stopped for a moment to put something in the room.” If he had touched the top of the car hood, he would have noticed that the car is cool and you’re making it up. You’d been there for an hour, at least.
